Spending the night with Camila was not foreign to me anymore. Waking up with her was.
For a moment I thought I was still dreaming when I saw the beautiful young woman draped in the white sheets looking at me. She looked so perfect it made my heart ache in a very odd way. Her light hair was a little messy but still silkily spread on the pillows and her slightly tanned skin was a wonderful contrast to the white sheets. Her face was softly lit by the sunlight which made her eyes sparkle in a lighter brown than usual. Everything about her seemed to mesmerize me and my heart was beating in at a dangerous rate. I was head over heels in love with her; in a way I had never been in love with anyone else. To be honest, I never really loved anyone else.
She seemed to pick up on my green eyes full of adoration, taking in every little detail of her because her cheeks blushed a little bit. I wanted to stroke the flushed part of her skin but I was strangely scared to touch her; like she was a mirage that would vanish if I got too close. Maybe it was merely the leftovers of my insecurity concerning the younger ones usual ways of running away. A part of me was still terrified of doing some wrong and making her leave me again.
Instead I felt her hand reach out and gently roll me on to my side as well so we were facing each other. I was still in a state of shock and absolute admiration when her voice appeared again after that little silence.
“Is it ok that I’m here?”, she asked and sounded just as insecure as I felt.
“Of course, I’m just surprised”, I admitted truthfully and swallowed the lump in my throat.
She flashed a sad smile but focused her eyes on mine still. I never felt more vulnerable and exposed than when I was sharing intimate moments like these with her. She stroked my arm tenderly, circling my warm but paler skin with caution. I was so overwhelmed by my own feelings I couldn’t reciprocate her affection. Her brown eyes showed some uncertainty which sparked my anxiety this would end just like the other times.
“I know my track record with this is not exactly something I’m proud of”, Camila spoke lowly. “And I’m not sure how to say what I have to say next.”
There it was. The moment I had feared since waking up. My breathing quickened as soon as her eyes averted mine for the first time. How many times would my heart endure another stab? I wasn’t sure but I prepared myself for another letdown.
“I’m a mess”, she started saying. “I’m still not sure why you even want to put up with me. Everything that’s going on with my family and I just broke off my engagement…I’m just not ready to make any kind of commitment right now. But…I can’t deny that there’s something between us that I would like to explore at some point. I’m probably not making a lot sense; what I’m trying to ask you is…if we could take things slow?”
Her eyes were the ones that exuded insecurity now. I felt elated after hearing she was even considering making us a real thing. In my head I had already prepared myself for a different speech, with her saying this was a mistake. The mere possibility of being with the person I loved so deeply was enough to make heart burst.
“If this is taking it slow”, I said and pointed to us being in bed together, “then I’m all for taking it slow.”
She slapped my arm playfully but I saw her laughing lightly while her cheeks flushed again.
“Lauren, I’m being serious”, she pouted.
“So am I”, I smirked and couldn’t help but feel so overjoyed in this moment.
She bit her lower lip and seemed more at ease now as well. There was still a certain expectant expression in her eyes and I took a deep breath before I took her hand off my arm and interlaced our fingers instead.
“Why would you even have to ask me that? Of course, we can take things slow”, I said in a more sincere tone now and kissed the back of her hand very softly. The tenderness in her chocolate eyes made my entire body warm up. We locked eyes for a few seconds and sort of sealed our agreement with the look we shared. My lips found her hand again but kissed the inside of her wrist this time. There was not an inch of her skin I didn’t want to kiss. This was ok for taking it slow, right?
“You’re not going to make this easy on me, are you?”, she said and I chuckled.
“Just answer me this one question: that song you sang in the coffee shop was about us, right?”, I asked because I couldn’t forget her wonderful performance. There was nothing more beautiful than seeing Camila sing. She always lost herself in whatever song her lips smashed.
“I think all of my songs are about you”, she slipped up and looked a little embarrassed after that unwanted confession. The shade of red on her cheeks became more visible. She looked so adorable and a lot younger without make up.
“Here’s my proposal: I’ll agree to take things slow if you sing another song for me”, I tried bargaining and saw her struggling with that decision.
“Please?”, I asked and focused the green of my eyes on her unsure brown ones. She sighed lightly and I knew I won.
Unfortunately that meant that she sat up and got out of bed to put on at least her underwear and shirt before spying one of my guitars in one corner of the room. I never played it much although I had learned a little bit. But Camila was way more skilled and I felt my heart flutter when she sat down on the bed again with the guitar in her hands. I sat up now as well and covered my still naked body with the sheet as I watched the woman I loved prepare.
“You tell all the boys “No”
Makes you feel good, yeah.
I know you’re out of my league
But that won’t scare me away, oh, no
You’ve carried on so long,
You couldn’t stop if you tried it.
You’ve built your wall so high
That no one could climb it,
But I’m gonna try.
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?
Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl
I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?
You let all the girls go
Makes you feel good, don’t it?
Behind your Broadway show
I heard a voice say, “Please, don’t hurt me”
I’m gonna climb on top your ivory tower
I’ll hold your hand and then we’ll jump right out
We’ll be falling, falling but that’s OK
‘Cause I’ll be right here
I just wanna know
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?
Would you let me see beneath your perfect?
Take it off now, girl, take it off now, girl
‘Cause I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight, oh, oh, oh, tonight?
See beneath your beautiful, oh, tonight.
We ain’t perfect, we ain’t perfect, no.
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?“
[ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iD7SHWM_Y0 maybe a weird song choice but I can actually see Camila liking and singing it]
Was it possible to fall in love with someone all over again although you already loved them with all of your heart? Hearing her sing in a soothing but passionate voice those moving words, I felt exactly like that. It was almost scary how perfect she seemed to be in my eyes. And she wondered why I loved her? My eyes carried the love I had for her while I just listened. She looked up sometimes and met my warm gaze but mostly focused on her singing and playing the guitar simultaneously. There were a few tears swelling in my eyes but I fought them successfully because I didn’t want to be too emotional; which turned out to be really difficult the more passion her voice carried. Knowing she had written those words about me reminded me of how strong her feelings must have been all those years. It was ironic how tables had turned because I felt like a teenage girl who did not know what to do with her feelings now.
The lyrics pierced into my very core; my soul. She broke down the last walls that guarded a part of my heart I didn’t even know about before. A part of my heart that loved so fiercely and unconditionally it made me question if anyone had ever loved someone the way I loved her. I realized it had always been there but I had buried it until she made me face it.
As soon as her voice subsided I felt the biggest lump in my throat. She wanted to take things slow and I wanted to tell her how much I loved her. The dilemma! Her eyes slowly locked with mine again and a loving smile grazed my lips immediately until I swallowed the lump that made me choked up.
“You’re not making this easy on me, either”, I whispered because every fiber of my being wanted to tell and show her how much she meant to me.
She blushed once again and seemed touched by my words. I wanted to lean over and kiss those perfect lips but I wasn’t sure if that was too much. Being in casual relationships should be my specialty but I couldn’t contain myself when it came to the talented singer sitting on my bed. She looked so much younger right now and a part of me wondered what would have happened if I had realized my feelings for her earlier.
I couldn’t follow through with my thoughts because Camila’s cell phone buzzed somewhere on the floor. She got up and looked for it.
“Hello?”, she said and sounded a little winded because she tried hurrying with finding the vibrating device in her hand now. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I must have lost track of time. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
She hung up and now looked for her pants and shoes to dress herself completely.
“I’m sorry but I have to go. Some of my family is at the airport and I completely forgot to pick them up!”, she said hectically.
“Do you want me to drive you?”, I asked and had a hard time keeping up with her sudden movements.
“No, you have to pick up the others later like we planned. It’s all good, just a little glitch in our schedule. I’ll talk to you later”, she said hastily and rushed out my room.
Within seconds she had left but this time it was different. There was a chance; a chance of us being together. The thought alone made me smile like an idiot and I pulled the sheets over my face, just smiling to myself and humming the song Camila had just sung for me.
Even though I could have spent the entire day just daydreaming about what had happened in the last twelve hours, I had a lot of things to do. All day I drove around town, picking people up from the airport or train station, bringing them back to my house and trying to make them feel as comfortable as possible in these trying times. Thankfully, Camila’s extended family was just as warm as I expected and extremely easy to handle.
It was around six when I found myself alone in the big mansion because everyone had settled in and then gone to the hospital to see Sinuhe. There were still three people missing. Three women I had invited without Camila knowing. They were our own little family: Dinah, Normani and Ally. They were supposed to arrive at any minute now and I had arranged their bedrooms already. Finally the doorbell rang and I made my way to the front door to see their familiar faces.
“Hey”, I greeted them softly and gave each of them a big hug.
An hour later they were sitting on the couch with me and I had brought them up to speed on everything that was going because Camila hadn’t been very elaborate with them. I knew she wouldn’t mind and hopefully approved of my decision to fly them out as well.
Suddenly I heard someone enter the living room and found Camila standing behind us in shock. I hadn’t locked the front door because I expected people to walk in and out these days a lot. And I had enough security to be safe still. The three women got up instantly and closed in on Camila in a big group hug. She seemed overwhelmed but looked at me knowingly. It was not hard to guess that I was the one behind their visit. But she smiled and that was all I needed to see before the now four young women rejoined me on the couch.
Camila sat down next to me and pulled a thin blanket over us. I felt her hand reach for mine underneath the cover and I interlaced our fingers without hesitation. No one saw it but I enjoyed every little bit of affection I got from her. Softly caressing the back of her hand with my thumb, I listened to all of them talk while staying rather quiet. All of them reassured Camila how much they wanted to be there for her and I kept squeezing her warm hand in mine.
We sat and talked for a while before Camila’s family returned and chaos started to ensue. There were so many people now I felt a little swamped but kept my cool as best as I could. Everyone was in good spirits; as good as can be expected under the circumstances and I saw Camila heading for the door out of the corner of my eye. I ran over immediately.
“Hey, are you leaving?”, I asked although it was obvious that she was.
“Yeah, I’m going to stay in the hospital tonight”, she explained and looked rather drained from the very long day we both had had.
“Ok, but you could stay here if you want”, I just had to throw that out there and saw her eyebrows lifting. “Just sleeping, I promise”, I added with a little smile because I knew we were taking things slow.
“I’m not sure I’d able to resist the temptation actually lying next to you”, she said and made my heart flutter again. “But…I really want to be with my mom.”
The sadness in her eyes and voice made me realize how selfish it was of me to ask her to stay here. Of course she wanted to spend her mom’s last days with her. So, I nodded quickly and opened the door for her. She leaned in and surprised me with a little kiss on the cheek.
“I’ll see you tomorrow”, she breathed and tried giving me a smile.
“Goodnight”, I replied and watched her walk down the driveway to her car. I hated seeing her leave. No matter how short the time span until I’d see her again. Before I knew it I was running after her again and caught her just in time.
“Let me come with you. I haven’t seen her all day”, I blurted out and saw Camila’s surprised face.
“You have enough to do right here. I’m fine, you don’t have to worry.”
“I know, but I would really like to see her. I’ll come back before anyone really notices.”
The younger one seemed too tired to put up a big fight and agreed to me joining her. I lied when I said I wasn’t worried because I was. She looked so fragile tonight and I was very concerned about leaving her alone. The car ride was quiet but I figured she was just exhausted.
Entering Sinuhe’s hospital room I was shocked to see the older woman. She looked a lot worse than the last time I had seen her. Her skin was pale as a ghost and her eyes looked inanimate. It broke my heart to see her in that condition and I couldn’t understand how Camila was still going. Just imagining that would be my mom was too much. I was on the verge of crying already. Watching the young woman walk up to the older one, kissing her forehead so tenderly like she was afraid of hurting her, made me transfixed to the spot.
Sinuhe was breathing a lot heavier than just a couple of days ago and it was scary to see how quickly her situation had deteriorated. She took Camila’s hand and I was fighting all of my instincts to not cry right there.
“Go home, Camila”, the sick woman said in a strained voice. “I don’t want you to see me like this. I’ll be better tomorrow…come back then.”
The first tear rolled down my cheek when I saw Camila sitting down on the edge of the bed and rest her head on her mother’s chest. It took her quite a lot of strength but Sinuhe stroked her daughters’ hair lovingly, causing more tears to fall from my eyes.
“Prométeme hija”, the exerted voice continued. “Promise me, you won’t be sad forever. Promise me, to fall in love and love to the tips of your fingers because that’s the only way to live life to the fullest. Don’t run away from people loving you because you deserve it, carino. I love you so much, you’ll never understand just how much. And I’ll be there, always. Every step of the way; when you get married one day; when you’ll have babies. Don’t be sad forever but take me with me you instead.”
I was still frozen in my position and the only thing I felt was heartbreak. For the woman I loved and for the older woman saying goodbye to her child. Although I couldn’t see Camila’s face, I heard her sobbing quietly while her mother placed soothing kisses on her forehead. I didn’t bother wiping my tears anymore because it was pointless.
“I don’t want to say goodbye”, Camila whispered and started crying profusely.
“You don’t have to. I’ll always be there”, her mother continued saying and I saw tears streaming down her face now as well.
Maybe I should have just left the room but no one said anything and I was frozen. Watching them hold each other and making last memories. I couldn’t tell how much time passed until Camila had calmed down and slowly got up.
“I’m…just going to freshen up quickly”, she said and avoided looking at me while rushing out to the floors to find the nearest bathroom.
Now Sinuhe focused on me and I still felt paralyzed from what I had just witnessed. She told me to come over though and I felt my feet move automatically. The woman now took my hand in the same way she had taken Camila’s before and I wanted to stop crying but I couldn’t.
“Thank you, Lauren”, she said and I shook my head because she didn’t have to thank me at all. “Thank you for being such an important part of our family’s life; especially Camila’s. I told you this before but I am so happy she has you. My greatest fear was to leave my children behind but I know they’re taken care of now. They are loved. So, thank you for loving my daughter the way you do.”
I wanted to say something; anything. But there were no words coming out of my mouth. My voice would probably be so shaky nothing would make sense anyway. Instead I just looked at her tired eyes and squeezed her hand. I felt myself nod lightly and took a very deep breath.
The door opened again and this time Camila, her father and Sofi came in. I knew it was time for me to go. This would be a moment between them and l bent down to kiss Sinuhe’s cheek very gently. She cupped my cheek lightly and I couldn’t bring myself to look at her again because it was so painful to think I’d see her for the last time possibly. Walking towards the rest of the family, I locked eyes with Camila for a second and wanted her to know that I would stay outside if she wanted me to.
“Go home”, she whispered softly and put on a brave smile.
I did what she told me to do because I didn’t want to be overbearing. She had her family there and I decided to give them their space. The drive back home was surreal. I felt numb and a little out of it. All I could think about was Camila and what she was probably going through right now. I’d probably never understand the full capacity of her pain. I had lost my grandmother to cancer when I was 15 but losing a parent was probably not the same thing as a grandparent. And Camila had always been very close with her mother which made it even harder. I was going to be there for her. It was all I could do at this point.
Returning to the house, everyone was asleep and I decided to try doing the same. That was easier said than done. My mind was too preoccupied with the heart wrenching moment in the hospital. It took almost two hours until my body finally gave out and I drifted into a restless sleep.
Being a light sleeper in general, I instantly woke up when I heard my bedroom being opened. I knew it must have been in the middle of the night because the sun was still down and everything was dark. Turning on the little bedside lamp I had no time to completely make out who it was but I felt Camila’s body almost collapsing into my arms, pushing me back down on the bed.Instantly I hugged her and pulled her as close as humanly possible. She was shuddering and trembling like never before. Her sobs made me join in her tears almost immediately. My shirt was soaked in her tears within a few seconds but I couldn’t care less. All I wanted was for her to feel safe and loved. I wanted her to know that she could be broken and vulnerable with me.
“She’s gone”, I heard her trembling voice say and tightened my grip in her hair to hold her even more.
“I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry, Camila”, I repeated over and over again because there were no words to possibly comfort her in this situation.
Although I had sort of known this could happen tonight, hearing her confirm my thoughts was excruciatingly painful. I closed my eyes and stroked her hair and back to calm her down.
“I can’t…imagine living..in a world…where she…doesn’t exist”, her jerky voice said.
“You heard what she said. She’ll always be there”, I tried comforting her but it took a long time until I felt her heaving chest movements die down slowly. It almost felt like she passed out in my arms out of exhaustion. Her breathing seemed normal so I knew she had just fallen asleep. That didn’t stop me from continuing caressing her back because it was also comforting to me. As heartbreaking as all of this was, I felt so touched and special that she trusted me enough to come to me in her darkest moment.
I remembered Sofi saying that Camila would probably be in denial but it didn’t feel like that all tonight. But I had no idea that would change drastically the near future.