My eyes blinked rapidly as a very bright ray of sunlight hit my face. Groaning quietly I was not entirely awake yet when my hand instinctively looked for the warm body that I had spent the night with. But there was nothing. Opening my eyes now, I got up a little and found myself alone in the big bed of Camila’s hotel room. There was a note on the pillow and my heart was racing immediately although I had been dead asleep just seconds ago.
“Lauren,
I’ve been staring at this piece of paper for over an hour now; trying to find the right words but I might have to consider the possibility that there are no words for how I am feeling right now. The only thing I know for certain is this: I need time.
So please don’t call me. I need some time to figure all of this out.
- Camila”
As soon as I finished reading her words, I read them again…and again. I was trying desperately to find out what the younger one could be feeling. Her note was so incredibly vague and I was not sure what I should do. I wanted to call her and tell her that I would wait forever if she wanted me to. Her wish was pretty clear, though. She wanted space; which meant distance. And that scared the crap out of me. I was reminded of so many times this had happened and Camila ran away. Back then she couldn’t tell me what she felt but I had been hopeful this time would be different.
Seeing all of her stuff gone made me think of my battle of trying not to fall asleep. I had this premonition this would happen and stayed up as long as I possibly could. The fresh memory of me stroking her soft hair, letting the silky strands run through my fingers and listening to her steady breathing while she was sleeping, made me choke up. What if I hadn’t fallen asleep? Maybe I could have talked to her and made her stay.
If history were to repeat itself then I wouldn’t hear from her for a while. The mere thought of being apart again was so unbearable after that incredible night we had shared. The images in my head of Camila doing these ungodly things made my cheeks burn instantly. I looked at the bed with the ruffled sheets and there was some lipstick of mine all over them and the pillows.
“Camila! Time to wake..up!”, I heard Normani’s voice suddenly enter the room and grabbed the sheets to cover my naked body.
“What the fuck?!” I screamed and saw the young woman’s shocked face stare at me.
“Oh my god! I’m so sorry…Camila gave me an extra key and said I should wake her up”, she explained and still looked completely confused on what she actually saw.
My eyes were probably popping out of their sockets and I gripped the sheets even tighter. Normani’s face scrunched up which made me even more nervous. It looked like she hadn’t put it together yet.
“Jesus, it smells like sex in here”, she blurted out and I could see the lights go off in her head. Her eyes locked with mine now and I felt the lump in my throat. Apparently she needed some time to process because no one could have seen this coming. Not even I had been prepared for what had happened between Camila and I. She excused herself politely and left the room without another word. Quickly I got up and looked for my clothes that were distributed all over the floor. I rushed out of the room as soon as I was dressed and walked to my own room.
On my way I, of course, met Dinah who looked me up and down and realized I was wearing the same clothes from last night. My hair was a mess and just everything about me indicated what a wild night I had. She was grinning and winked at me.
“You’re rockin’ that walk of shame, girl”, she said and gave me a pat on the shoulder as we crossed paths in the hallway. God, if she only knew that I was doing the walk of shame because of her closest friend, she’d probably react differently.
Finally getting to my own room I had to take a very deep breath. It still hadn’t sunk in. I definitely needed a cigarette now. Reaching into my pockets to find a lighter, I found the note from Camila scrunched up instead. I pulled it out and read it again. I was caught in this very weird state of not having processed what happened and being absolutely devastated when I thought of the consequences. Camila’s last words kept echoing in my head and I regretted not telling her how I felt when I had the chance. My stomach turned just thinking about the fact that Camila dismissed my feelings as a need for comfort. Sure, I was lonely and craving some sort of affection but it was so much more with her. It always had been.
Before I knew it I was dialing her number and called her. She didn’t want me to but maybe she just wanted me to fight for her. There had to be a way I could fix this. I only needed to talk to her but she didn’t pick up. Frustrated I threw my phone on my bed and picked up my cigarettes when I heard a familiar voice outside of my door.
“Lauren? Are you decent?”, Normani asked and I couldn’t help but blush. I walked over to the door and let her in. She seemed more composed than before.
“I’m going outside for a smoke”, I said in a raspy voice and pointed to the balcony of my room.
“Great, I’ll join you”, she said and I was not sure why she was here. We went on the balcony anyways and I lit the cigarette, inhaling very deeply for the first time. Even though I loved Normani and she was one of my closest friends, my closest friend actually, I was scared of what might come out of her mouth. She was also very close with Camila and who knew what this conversation would amount to. I decided to be quiet, sit down and wait for her to start.
“This is probably none of my business but I’m worried”, she said and I inhaled once more. “Whatever happened between you two, you should really be careful, Lauren. This is not just a random hook up. This could be…detrimental to your friendship because Camila may have changed a lot but I’m not sure if she’s going to handle this well.”
Of course Normani thought I was just having a one night stand with Camila, I thought annoyed. Granted, she had no idea what had already happened in the past. No one knew. She only knew that Camila used to have very strong feelings, not that we actually acted on them, or that I was the one falling for the brown eyed girl right now. I didn’t want to explain it all because I was still so wrapped up in everything that had happened just hours ago.
“I’m not taking advantage of her, if that’s what you’re saying”, I replied defensively.
“I’m not saying that. And contrary to what you’re thinking, I’m not taking sides here. I just think you should be mindful of…”
“I love her”, I interrupted her suddenly and even surprised myself with that confession. Normani was being quiet now and looked dumbfounded. I never used that word in connection to someone else because I was so afraid of losing someone that I loved that I refused to love anything. “You’re probably not going to believe me because Camila won’t even believe me but I do.”
My voice was getting rather shaky and I looked at the view from the balcony instead of my friend’s eyes. I was afraid of her reaction.
“You told her that?”, she asked and seemed genuinely concerned.
“I tried but she wasn’t really…receptive. She thinks I’m lonely and just need someone; anyone. When in reality I only need her”, I said and it was almost like I was confessing all of this to myself as well. “She says she needs time.”
“Then you should give it to her”, Normani said softly.
I knew she was right but my heart ached in a way that was excruciating. It felt like I was never enough for Camila. No matter how close we got and how much things changed, the ending stayed the same: Camila left me. That realization alone was too much for me to stomach and I’d rather been in denial. But I couldn’t be anymore. Ever since she had shown up in my dressing room, the blinders had fallen off. I was in love with her and I always had been.
“What if she doesn’t love me anymore?” I asked Normani vulnerably and didn’t get answer. She and I both knew this could be a possibility since Camila was dating someone else. Someone so freaking perfect it made me want to jump off the balcony. Why would anyone leave Hanna for me? Choosing between a gorgeous doctor and a worn out pop star was not a particularly difficult choice. But I needed to make it one.
I took Normani’s advice and gave Camila time in hopes she’d make the first step. Days became weeks and the tour was a good distraction from my emotional chaos. But there wasn’t a moment when I wasn’t secretly hoping the younger one would just show up like she had not too long ago in Miami. Almost six weeks passed and I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt her slipping away and needed to do something; anything at this point.
So I took the first flight out to Miami and decided to make a stop at the coffee shop I had performed in with Camila on my way to my house. As I approached the establishment, I heard a lot of noise and saw the poster on the door. It was open mic night. Entering the crowded room I had to squeeze myself in because it was so packed. I didn’t have time to look at the stage but I’d recognize the voice filling the room with eyes closed anyway: it was her.
“I was really nervous because I haven’t performed my own songs in a while but you all have been so amazing. This last song I want to sing for you is called ‘Fools’. Enjoy”, she said and I had found a good spot in the back where I could see her. She was so focused and barely noticed anyone which was a good thing since I just wanted her to be relaxed. The guitar strapped around her neck and the casual outfit she wore reminded me of the younger version of her. I did not have any time to succumb to my nostalgic thoughts when her first line caused goose bumps already.
“Those hardest to love need it most
….
Friends, I watched us as we changed
The feelings in my headspace rearranged
I want you more than I’ve wanted anyone
Isn’t that dangerous?
The anticipation before the kiss
Mirrored in my shaking lips
Oh god I feel so unprepared
The two of us so out of place
My feelings written on my face
Got what I want but now I’m scared
What if we ruin it all, and we love like fools?
And all we have we lose?
I don’t want you to go but I want you so
So tell me what
Tell me what we choose
What we choose
What we choose”
I was completely mesmerized by her. Her singing with me and the other girls on stage in Vegas was nothing compared to what she displayed now. The passion for every word and note was so apparent it made my heart race. But that wasn’t the only reason my pulse had sped up. I couldn’t help but wonder why the lyrics felt so appropriate to our situation. Obviously I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions but it hit close to home. I clapped with everyone else in the room who were smitten with the beautiful singer going off stage now. I made my way over to her and felt my heart beat faster with every step I took.
“Hey”, I said as soon as I reached her and saw the absolute shock on her face. She almost dropped her guitar.
“What are you doing here?”, she asked.
“I wanted to see you”, I said truthfully and didn’t want to overwhelm her anymore.
She ran her hand nervously through her hair and that’s when I saw it: the shiny diamonded ring on her left hand. My lips parted slightly and my green eyes focused on what I had just discovered. It felt like someone had just ripped my heart out and stomped on it. When my eyes focused on hers I could see how tense she was because I had noticed the engagement ring. This could not be happening right now.
“That’s a joke, right?”, I said harsher than I intended but the pain in my chest would not subside.
“Don’t make a scene in here, please”, Camila said quietly and avoided my gaze.
“Then tell me this is a fucking joke!” I snapped but felt her grab my wrist and pull me outside before the other people in the coffee shop noticed the storm that was brewing. The fresh air should’ve helped but instead it just fueled my anger for some reason. Camila crossed her arms defensively when we got outside.
“Are you trying to hurt me? Is this some sort of payback for what happened when I wasn’t reciprocating your feelings all these years?”, I asked as my voice shook.
“Not everything is about you”, she shot back with just as much anger.
“Oh, no? What about that song in there? Look me in the eyes and tell me that song was not about us.”
She didn’t say anything now and I sensed her discomfort. I just couldn’t stop myself; it felt like I was going to explode with all of these contradicting feelings inside of me.
“You can’t keep doing this; pulling me in and then pushing me away because you’re overwhelmed somehow. You have to at least give me a chance to say what I feel. And I…I love you, Camila”, I said and felt my heart beating out of my chest now.
“No, you don’t”, she said and shook her head, making me furious because it took so much out of me to finally say those words.
“And how do you know that?”
“Because you had five years of trying to figure out what you felt for me, while I pined after you. But now that your life is a mess, you suddenly love me? You’re the joke, not me! I found someone who genuinely loves me and I’m not going to ruin my life over you again because it is more convenient for you now to be with me until the next best thing comes around.”
I was shocked to hear what she thought of me. We never fought because she hated confrontation but obviously that had changed as well. A part of me was almost relieved that she’d at least tell me what she thought; no matter how much it hurt. The other part of me just wanted to hurt her back.
“Maybe you’re right and I can’t ask you to ruin your life over me but you’re doing a pretty good job by yourself: you can’t marry someone out of guilt”, I said with so much fury it made every syllable shaky.
“Fuck you, Lauren”, Camila hissed and wanted to push past me because I had taken it a step too far maybe.
My hands reacted before my brain could and cupped her face, pressing my lips harshly against hers. She tried pushing me off but I held on to her almost violently until I felt her hand connect to my cheek. The slapping sound echoed in the empty streets and I felt the burning sensation on my skin. We were both breathing heavily and I felt so incredibly ashamed when I saw the amount of hurt in her eyes.
“Camila, I’m..so sorry”, I stuttered and felt paralyzed after what had just happened.
That’s when I heard her cell phone vibrate and the young woman picked up immediately. I was not able to focus on what she said or who she spoke to. My mind was replaying the shameful moment of just before. I never wanted our meeting to play out like this and the guilt was eating me alive already. My thoughts were interrupted abruptly when I heard Camila’s phone fall to the floor.
My eyes quickly looked up and saw that every color had vanished from the beautiful face in front of me. Her voice was thin and almost incomprehensibly low when she spoke in absolute shock.
“That was the hospital. My mom…her cancer is back.”
——————————————————————————-
Being at the Cabellos house was just like being at my own house these days. Ever since placing third on the X Factor, Camila and I had returned to Miami and spent every day together. We were so used to being around each other from the show and never stopped once we got home. I was sitting on the kitchen counter, looking at some tweets and chewing my gum while Camila and her mom were arguing about what Camila should wear. We wanted to go see a movie and her mom started the argument or disagreement rather, when she suggested Camila should doll up more when we went out.
“It’s not a fashion show, Mami”, Camila pouted and I saw her approach me. I smiled softly as she leaned against the counter I was sitting on so her body was standing between my legs with her back facing me. It was an instinct almost to wrap my arms casually around her neck.
“Claro, but you could be at least go take a shower and wear something nice”,Sinuhe said while preparing dinner for the entire family. I felt Camila reach for one of my hands that were dangling loosely in front of her while my arms were resting on her shoulders. She started playing with my fingers and I felt a little flutter in my stomach but ignored it immediately. We were very affectionate with each other but that was a culture thing, I said. All of my family was like that and hers as well. So they never saw anything weird about us being so close.
“Fine. But it’s your fault that Lauren has to wait then”, Camila said.
“That’s ok. Go ahead. I can help your mom with dinner”, I offered and smiled at the older woman when Camila slipped out of my embrace and went upstairs. Rolling up my sleeves, I jumped off the counter and listened to the woman’s instructions of what I could help her with. I started cutting some vegetables when I heard Sinuhe’s voice again after a while.
“Are you excited about going back to LA in two weeks?”, she asked and I started grinning instantly.
“Yeah, I can’t wait. It’s going to be crazy. Just thinking about the fact that we got signed and we’re going to record an album…it’s insane”, I said excitedly.
“I am very happy for you girls. You deserve it. But I am also a little worried for Camila”, the woman admitted and caught my attention even more. “She’s so naïve sometimes and I don’t know how she’ll be able to handle of all it.”
“I get it. Camz can be pretty silly sometimes but she’s really smart. And she has incredible instincts, too. She can read people almost immediately and I’m always surprised that her first impressions of people turn out to be right. I wished I could be that perceptive. You shouldn’t worry too much, I think. And besides, I’ll take care of her as well”, I said and didn’t realize the older one had stopped in her tracks to listen to my kind words about her daughter.
“You know, I am very happy Camila met you”, she said and I focused my green eyes on hers now. “She was having a hard time in school and never had a lot of friends. We were all very worried about her because she seemed to be…depressed sometimes. But ever since you met, she is so happy and I know you give her a lot of confidence. You may not understand this but you cannot imagine how happy it makes a parent to see their child blossom like that. And I know you have a very big part in that.”
Her heartwarming smile in combination with her words touched me so deeply I couldn’t speak for a few seconds. I knew Camila had a rough time before but I never knew I had such a dramatic effect on her entire life. It was flattering but I couldn’t take credit for that, could I?
“She really has changed my life, too. I never had a friend that understood me like she does because I can be handful”, I laughed lightly but then felt the older woman’s hand at the back of my head when she leaned down and gave me a motherly kiss on the side of my forehead.
“You are perfect just as you are, hija”, she said and I smiled at her afterwards as we continued our cooking before she said something I’d never forget.
“Promise me you’ll always be there for each other, no matter what happens.”
“I promise”, I said without any hesitation and full of conviction we’d never part ways.
“What are you guys talking about?”, Camila’s voice appeared as she entered the kitchen again. I couldn’t help myself but notice how pretty she looked. Her hair was flowing and still a little wet from the shower but I could smell the shampoo even from afar. The white shorts showed off her slender legs and she had tied that signature knot in the front of her red shirt.
A part of me wanted to tease her about the conversation I just had with her mom by saying something like, ‘Just how much you love me’; but I didn’t. It felt like that conversation was something private and sacred between Sinuhe and I.
“Nothing really”, I said instead and saw Camila walk up to me. She was resting her head on my shoulder and put one arm around me as I finished up the last vegetables.
“Ok girls, you can go now. But don’t be too late”, her mom said.
We said goodbye and left Camila’s house to walk to the movie theatre that was not too far away.
“Sorry about my mom making you wait”, Camila said apologetically while I just smiled.
“No, she was right. It was worth it; you look really pretty”, I complimented her and saw her cheeks flush in the same color as her shirt. She linked arms with me and I kept thinking about what Sinuhe had said about us being there for each other no matter what happened. I was so convinced that nothing would ever come between us and I’d able to keep my promise to that wonderful woman who had raised an even more wonderful daughter.