Everything hurt. Not only was my exhausted body giving me hell this morning, my heart was still in pieces after everything that had happened the night before.
I hadn’t slept all night after leaving Camila’s house. And it wasn’t because of the drugs either, they’d wear off pretty quickly anyways; it was that agonizing feeling of having lost the brown eyed girl for good. Thinking about the way she had looked at me on the porch made me nauseous. The amount of anger in her voice made me quiver. It never dawned on me that she would notice the fact I had been using. Having done more than enough questionable things in my life, snorting coke on her birthday when she had just confessed one of her biggest secrets to me, was definitely not my proudest moment.
The smell of fresh coffee was the only pleasant thing about this morning. I should’ve been gone back to LA but I was in no condition to do that. Normally I should be sleeping but I couldn’t although every fiber of my body ached. So I had called my manager and cancelled the entire day which gave me at least today to recuperate before flying back tomorrow. Hopefully I would’ve gotten some sleep by then.
Until then, coffee had to suffice because I was not going to use any more of that damn stuff in my purse. It ruined everything. All of my hopes had vanished when Camila told me to leave. Now she had finally seen how screwed up I really was. I had always wondered why she’d like me anyways – not to mention have the kind of feelings she confessed of having.
I was surprised to hear my door bell ring because no one really knew that I was home. Everyone should think I was in LA but I slowly dragged my worn out body to the front door. My eyes shot wide open when I saw Camila standing on my doorstep.
“Hey”, I almost gasped in shock. I never would have expected her to be here. Actually I thought I’d never hear from her again.
“Hi”, she said softly. “Is this a bad time?”
“No, not at all. Come in”, I immediately replied and let her in. “Do you…want some coffee? I just made some?”
She nodded lightly and I could see some dark circles under her eyes. Not as dark and scary as mine but they made her otherwise perfect face look strained for the first time. Her light steps followed me into the kitchen and she sat down on the counter while I poured the dark and hot liquid into a cup.
“I would offer you something to eat but I don’t have anything my fridge that’s even remotely eatable”, I tried making pointless conversation because I was nervous.
My heart was racing again because this was so unexpected. What if she just came here to tell me that we shouldn’t see each other anymore? That she didn’t want to be involved in all of my drama and my obviously messed up lifestyle? My eyes glanced up for a second but she just looked outside and seemed more composed than I was. I put in two spoons of sugar and some cream because she used to take her coffee like that.
“Here”, I said quietly and placed the hot cup in front of her on the counter.
I figured she wouldn’t want to be too close to me which was way I chose to lean against the sink opposite of her. Her hair was in a ponytail and she looked a lot more casual in her simple white shirt, blue jeans and black converse. It was almost something I wore on a daily basis. She was still gorgeous and as soon as I met her warm brown eyes my heart fluttered. Her natural beauty was even more breathtaking than her enhanced, stylish one.
“I’m sorry about…”, we suddenly both blurted out at the same time. Our eyes met in a confused look before we couldn’t help but laugh nervously. Sometimes it really felt like we were wired the same way.
“Please, let me go first. I’m not sure if I’m going to lose courage otherwise”, Camila said and my pulse quickened. I prepared myself for the very worst.
“I’m very sorry for going off on you last night”, she apologized. “I never should’ve gone about things the way I have and I didn’t want to ambush you. There was some pent up tension that needed some release but I never wanted you to feel…feel so badly that you felt, you had to take such extreme measures to make yourself feel good again.”
My heart sank when I heard her heavenly voice crack at the end. She blamed herself for me getting high at her birthday. Could she be any more caring? It killed me to see her this affected by my own mistakes because she had every right to yell at me or be angry with me. Instead she was compassionate and I didn’t understand why I deserved her even being a part of my life again.
“Camila, it wasn’t your fault. I hadn’t slept in 48 hours and my body…” I tried to justify but she interrupted me softly.
“You don’t have to explain, Lauren. I’m not here to pass judgment because I’ve told you already that I can’t even comprehend the amount of stress and anxiety you probably endure every day and have endured for the last ten years. All I want to say is that I am sorry if I contributed to any more of that and I’m always here to talk…whenever you’re ready.”
I didn’t know what to say. Her empathy and understanding ways were overwhelming. My mouth was dry as I drowned in those warm, brown of her eyes. There were so many things I wanted to say but nothing came out. It took me a while to actually calm myself down to a point where my mouth would open and form sensible sentences.
“I need you to know something as well”, I said hesitantly because this was long overdue. Last night had opened my eyes and I wanted her to understand my side of things. Remembering her words when she had questioned me about not drinking during the game was the catalyst for me opening up.
“I was never ashamed of what we did”, I admitted genuinely and saw her face soften because I finally answered one of her many questions. “But I thought you were. The closer we got, the harder you pushed me away afterwards. That’s why I never would have expected you to feel the way you did. Maybe I wasn’t aware of your feelings and couldn’t reciprocate them then but I want you to know that…it was special to me as well. I hate knowing that you might think it was all just a game because it wasn’t.”
My fingers were almost trembling as I spoke because I was touching on a subject that was so delicate and beautiful, I didn’t want to ruin it. Camila smiled warmly which reassured me.
“I know “, she said and her voice was shaky. “And I always knew that you cared about me on deep level although you didn’t feel the same way I did. It was the reason why I was able to give myself to you so willingly.” Her eyes were starting to get watery and I felt the same thing happening to me. “I don’t regret that. I never have and you need to know that. Being with you was…it was the most magical and perfect night I ever could have envisioned. I remember feeling so fulfilled and safe.”
I felt like my chest was going to burst because my heart was beating so wildly when Camila talked so honestly and beautifully about her feelings. My emotions were running wild because there were so many memories I recalled but also tried listening to every word that left her perfect lips. This was a big step for us because we had never talked about everything that had happened. Seeing her get so emotional as well was sparking some hope. Hope of what?, I asked myself.
“The only thing I do regret is the way I treated you a lot of the times”, she continued making my eyes fill even more with tears. “Distancing myself from you was my only way of coping with these overwhelming feelings I had. There was no one I could really talk to about us and that made it even harder. Ignoring you was incredibly difficult but it was less painful than facing the fact that I had fallen in love with someone unattainable. It wasn’t fair of me but I hope you’ll forgive me at some point.”
“I already have”, I said immediately and met her gaze. The first tear fell from her eyes and landed in her coffee. “Don’t cry, please”, I begged just above a whisper because I hated seeing her upset.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get this emotional but I feel like there’s this weight lifted off my shoulders now that you know. It’s like…I finally have some closure and can move on for good.”
And there it was; the moment my heart actually broke.
It must have been some sort of karmic retribution for all the shit I had done up until this point. Just when I realized that I was in fact having feelings for the woman sitting opposite of me, she told me that she had moved on. I knew she had because she was seeing someone else – someone perfect – but hearing her say the word closure was like a dagger in my chest.
“Lauren, I want to be your friend and be there for you in the way you were always there for me. Maybe I’ll be able to repay you for being the most amazing friend to me although I had hurt so many times”, she continued saying and my eyes were burning with tears now.
I was exhausted and tired; too exhausted to hold back any longer. The waterworks were going off now and I buried my face in my hands; embarrassed about breaking down in front of her. The worst part was that I didn’t know why I was crying now. There were too many things going on in my head but the sharp pain in my heart was too much to handle. I was sobbing uncontrollably within seconds before I felt Camila wrapping in her arms around me.
On one hand, I was happy to feel her comforting me but on the other hand, I was devastated because I was now certain that I had missed the chance of being with the one person that could have made me whole again. She hugged me tightly as if she was trying to support me because I honestly felt like passing out almost. The exhaustion, physically and mentally was becoming more and more apparent.
I didn’t know much time passed but Camila never let go until I was the one softly pulling back. The embarrassment was obvious on my face when I chose not to look at her. I must have looked like a zombie by now.
“What do you say if you take a shower and I’ll buy you some real breakfast with some decent coffee”, she said and I knew she was trying to cheer me up. “No offense, but your coffee making skills have not improved at all.”
I was now laughing softly through my tears and looked up into those eyes that seemed to peer into my soul sometimes. Just softly nodding my head in agreement I went upstairs afterwards and tried to clean up as best as I could. The shower was a good start and took off some tension. Quickly I grabbed some black jeans, my rolling stone t-shirt and combat boots before rejoining Camila in the kitchen.
She decided to drive and I guessed she saw how tired I looked. Neither of us really spoke on the way to the small but cozy coffee shop she took me to. A young woman our age approached me as soon as I got out of the car and asked for a picture. I never discarded my fans whishes although I felt like crap. When the fan saw Camila, she almost freaked and started talking about how much she loved Fifth Harmony. I tried my best to be as engaging as I could but Camila took the lead and was her wonderful self by letting me take the backseat in this one. We both posed for a picture with the young woman but then finally walked into the coffee shop.
Only a couple of people were inside and Camila had chosen this place exactly for that reason, I assumed. She ordered our coffees and some bagels while I picked our table. I knew she was trying really hard to keep my spirits up but I felt my entire system close to shutting down at every moment.
“When are you leaving?”, Camila asked me and broke the silence when she sat down and handed me my breakfast.
“Tomorrow morning. I was supposed to be back in LA this morning but I…couldn’t make it”, I said vaguely.
She noticed my discomfort talking about work and changed the topic.
“You know, they have some really cool open mic nights here. It’s the only place I have performed in since the group split”, she revealed and I now noticed the little stage a few steps away from us.
A smile grazed my lips again because just thinking about her singing warmed my heart. It had been so long since I had heard her infallible voice.
I felt a tap on my arm and suddenly noticed this little girl shyly looking at me.
“Are you Lauren Jauregui?”, she asked in the cutest voice ever, making my face light up immediately.
“Yes, I am. And who are you?”, I replied with a big smile and saw her smile as well.
“I’m Katie”, the little girl answered. She was probably around five and just so precious with her big blue eyes looking at me full of admiration.
“Can you sing something for me?”, she surprised me with her request because I was prepared to take a picture or even sign a napkin.
“Yeah, sing for her Lauren”, Camila said and smirked pointing to the little stage. She knew exactly that I wouldn’t be able to deny the little girls wish. There were maybe five other people in the coffee shop and the stage was not open.
“Pleeeeease”, I heard the infantine voice say and took a breath.
“Alright, if we get thrown out for crashing the stage I’m blaming you”, I said to Camila but she just grinned and watched me walk on to the little platform. There was a piano and I decided to sit down on the small bench in front of it. I loved playing but I rarely had the time to just sit down and be creative with melodies anymore. There were a lot of songs I could choose from when it came to my own repertoire but I remembered the lyrics I had just written a few days ago. The inspiration for the song was the young woman sitting a few steps away. She didn’t know that and before I knew what I was doing, my fingers started playing the simple melody I had in my mind.
The raspy tone in my voice sounded a little more rough than usual but I tried my best. I wasn’t able to look at her while I was singing because I wasn’t sure how I’d react at this point. The song was unfinished and very short but extremely personal which made it more difficult than I expected. Knowing that her eyes were probably on me was nerve-racking and I felt my heart beat uncontrollably in my chest. My eyes were closed for the most part but opened sometimes to look at the keys underneath my fingers.
“When I look into your eyes
It’s like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There’s so much they hold
I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up
‘Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it
No, I won’t give up”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErYtXcsVBR8
I didn’t realize that I sang with so much conviction and passion, my voice echoed in the entire coffee shop making everyone stop in their tracks. My chest was heaving almost when the last syllable left my lips with a shaky tone. Slowly I opened eyes and the first thing I saw were Camila’s eyes piercing through mine. She looked stirred and almost overwhelmed. There was no way she could know the song was about her but her gaze made me shake in my boots – literally.
When I got up from the piano I felt dizzy and my body was now shutting down quickly. I tried holding on to anything when I felt my legs giving out but there was no avoiding it anymore – I fainted.
———————————————————————-
The cigarette loosely trapped between my lips was meant to be lit an hour ago but once I sat down at the piano everything else became irrelevant. I was twirling the pen in my hand while scribbling down some words and trying to imagine the perfect melody to accompany the words. There weren’t a lot things that made my otherwise constantly anxious mind relax like writing and composing.
I was alone at the apartment and had no idea where everyone else was but I didn’t care at this point. My connection to the group was almost non-existent. We were friendly but not really friends anymore. I had made new friends and even though everyone hated Jason, he had opened a new world to me. A world that made me escape the pain I had been feeling for quite a while now.
That pain was great motivation and inspiration sometimes, though. I couldn’t think of a melody but wanted to play anyways. So I started hitting the keys of the first song that came to my mind. I didn’t sing but just played the tune that was not necessarily the newest one but I had always loved it. Not to mention, a certain band member and former best friend used to love singing it as well when we were on the casting show together.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rbvsf20KcsQ
There was something so engrossing about losing yourself in the music that fulfilled every piece of your soul. When the last sound faded I sighed lightly and had this weird feeling. I couldn’t see or hear her but I felt her. My head tilted to the side to find Camila standing in the doorway and watch me.
“How long have you been standing there?”, I asked and placed the cigarette behind my ear now.
“Long enough to remember why I always I envy your talent”, she said making me blush a little. It was the nicest thing she had said to me in a long time.
She walked over to me and I was astonished when she sat next to me on the small bench, our legs touching lightly.
“I love that song”, she said softly and I felt that annoying warmth creep up on me when she spoke so gently. I wasn’t sure how to act or what to say because our friendship had been so chilly. Being this close to her and actually having a conversation with her alone was irritatingly exciting.
“Would you play it again?”, she asked and looked at her now. “Just once more.”
Her smile was irresistible and I found myself giving in automatically.
“Only if you sing”, I said just as softly and watched her smile widen.
My fingers started replaying the melody when her amazing voice never seized to amaze me. No matter how many times I heard her sing, I never got tired of her runs and vocal technique that made every song so uniquely her. I didn’t have a need to join in because I just wanted her pure tone enchanting me for whatever fleeting moment this was.
“’Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn’t need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don’t know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love’s insanity, why are you my clarity?”
The room fell completely silent after her interpretation of the song and the butterflies in my stomach were so unbelievably prominent. Very slowly I looked to my side again and faced the younger girl. My green eyes fell on her lips that were still slightly parted as she was doing the same. She was looking just as intently at my lips and there were merely inches between us. I felt that incredible desire to just close the gap between us and kiss those full lips. Did she want me to?
“Lauren?!”, I heard a male voice call me and approach us fast.
Both of us jumped a little and before Jason had reached me, Camila had gotten up and left in a hurry. My eyes followed her for a second before I sighed and got up as well to greet the older man.
The next morning I entered the apartment after a pretty heavy night of partying. The other girls would probably get up soon and get ready for the press today. I made my way to the kitchen and needed some coffee. Well, actually I didn’t really need it because I had just used something a lot stronger than caffeine to sustain my alertness. Still, I craved the dark liquid in the morning.
I poured myself a cup when I heard someone coming down the stairs. My eyes focused on Camila in her pajamas. My foggy brain was making me do things I never would have done otherwise as I looked her up and down when she entered the kitchen.
“Hey”, she said sleepily but looked concerned.
“Hi”, I simply replied and couldn’t keep my eyes off of her for some reason.
“Did you just come home?”
“Yep.”
I wanted to avoid further questioning by giving short answers and heard Camila sigh lightly. She was now getting some cereal and went about her morning ritual as if I wasn’t there. My eyes followed every motion and I could sense her getting a little nervous.
“I can smell the alcohol from here, you know”, she said and I smirked.
“Are you telling me that I stink?”, I countered and got the soft giggle from her that I wanted.
“No, I’m telling you to probably shower before we’re leaving.”
She was standing with her back towards me the entire time and I took in every little curve of her body in front of me. Being awake and alert was one thing but there was another reaction to what I had just done. I was getting a little…horny whenever I was hopped up.
Last night there had been this moment at the piano and I found myself wondering what would have happened if Jason hadn’t interrupted us. I walked up to her from behind and came to a stop when our bodies barely touched. Her muscles tightened and I bit my bottom lip.
God, the smell of her shampoo made my close my eyes in bliss. My senses were heightened and I could see, smell and hear every little detail of her right now. I swiftly brushed her long hair to the side with my hand and exposed her neck. The goose bumps on her skin were unmistakable. She didn’t move or say anything but I couldn’t help myself.
“Do you want to join me?”, I whispered against the already fazed skin and heard her swallow a big gulp of cereal.
Her chest was rising a lot quicker than before which fueled my fire. She didn’t answer but also didn’t decline. I exhaled heavy, letting the hot air hit her neck again and sending a shiver down her spine. Wetting my lips briefly I lowered and tilted my head so I could reach that perfect spot of her neck that I knew drove her crazy from previous experience. The tip of my tongue grazed her skin delicately before my lips closed down on the heated skin. She took in a very deep breath and tried avoiding a moan escaping her lips.
She was trying not to give in but as long as she wouldn’t stop me there was no stopping me in my clouded state of mind. Repeating my motion just an inch lower I wrapped one arm around her entire waist and pulled her body into mine. She was trembling now and my own lust was overwhelming. The other hand moved up as well and passionately cupped one of her breasts over the fabric of her shirt. She wasn’t wearing a bra and I immediately felt her erect nipple making me groan in delight.
That’s when she grabbed my hand and pulled it off her breast. I thought she’d push me off next but was sorely shocked when she guided my hand down her body and into her shorts. Just when I grazed the fabric of her underwear there were some loud steps coming down the stairs.
“Shit”, I hissed and felt Camila nudging me off and walking towards the sink when Dinah came in.
“What up, dawgs?”, she greeted in her typical fashion but my body still in a frenzy.
“Morning”, Camila said in a very shaky voice that displayed her arousal again.
I needed a shower now, for sure. A cold one – a very cold one. Without saying anything I left the kitchen but heard Camila’s voice before disappearing into my room.
“How can someone be so sweet and kind one minute and just change into another person the next morning?”
The tone in her voice was questionable. I knew she was talking about me but as long as she didn’t know what had induced my behavior just now, I didn’t care in my hazy mind. She’d never find out about this, I said to myself.