As soon as my mind had run through my memory of that particular night, I snapped back to the present.
“I’m sorry, but I have to take this”, Camila said, glancing at her cell phone.
“Sure, take it”, I replied and watched her slowly walk a few steps away from me.
This was the perfect time to finally gain some sort of poise back. I took in a few deep breaths and calmed my nerves. Hearing the song, threw me for a complete loop but everything else before that as well. Camila was here. In my dressing room. And she was dating a woman! A very hot one of course but I tried to suppress whatever feeling of jealousy started to build.
My piercing green eyes slowly studied the confidant woman on the opposite side of the room. She wasn’t facing me at the moment so I was able to really see how much she had changed physically. Her hair was a lot lighter than it used to be actually. At first I didn’t even notice but now that my head wasn’t spinning anymore, I was able to appreciate her transformation. She had always been pretty but now she was…stunning.
Her complexion was flawless with a light tan and her style was still impeccable. The tight jeans hugged her figure perfectly and I couldn’t help but notice how well it accentuated her butt. I immediately smirked internally when I found myself checking her out shamelessly. But who wouldn’t? Everyone does it, right? Her ruffled top was simple but elegant, just like the beige blazer she wore on top of it. My eyes wandered along her seemingly endless legs again before I heard her speak again.
“Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude but that was my mom. She told me to say hi to you”, the younger woman addressed me while coming closer.
As soon as I heard her mention her mom my face lit up. We used to have a very good relationship although my friendship with Camila had been extremely…complicated at times.
“Aww, tell her I say Hi as well. How is she doing?”, I asked casually but then saw Camila’s face tighten up for the first time since she had entered my dressing room.
“She’s…doing better. Uhm…she’s in remission actually. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer but she’s fine now.”
My heart honestly cramped up. I could not believe that the beautiful woman in front of me had been going through such hardship and I had no idea. Yes, our friendship did not end on a good note but I felt incredibly guilty in this moment for not ever reaching out.
“I’m so sorry, Camila. Please, tell her that I am happy to hear that she’s doing better. And if there’s anything I can do-“, I said genuinely before I was cut off.
“It’s ok, Lauren. Really, she’s fine. But I’ll tell her.”
It was painfully obvious that she did not want to go any further with that discussion and I certainly didn’t want to force her.
“I should probably go and let you rest”, Camila said and finally smiled again. Even if it was a softer smile than before, I was relieved to see that our conversation hadn’t gone sour.
“Actually, I’m not going to rest at all”, I laughed and saw her bewildered face. “I’m throwing a little after party at my house because I have two whole days off. You are more than welcome to join us. I mean, you and Hanna.”
It was the first time I mentioned Hanna and wanted to make clear that I had been listening before. I must have looked like an idiot but I was determined to make things right. Not giving her a chance to decline right away, I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote down my address and number.
“If you decide to be spontaneous once more today”, I said with a little grin und gave her the little piece of paper.
“I can’t make any promises. But it was really good to see you, Lauren”, she replied and I could hear the sincerity in her voice.
“Same here”, I returned just as sincere before she left the dressing room.
I took in a deep breath and tried to process everything that I had just heard, seen and witnessed. But it wasn’t long before my driver picked me up to go home. The mansion I had been living in wasn’t really my home but it was the closest thing to it. Being on the road constantly made it quite difficult to make a home. But I didn’t want to complain again, which is why focused on preparing for the party.
Just after an hour my house had filled with more people than I remembered inviting. This seemed to happen a lot lately whenever I tried to organize a small get together. It turned into a rather big thing but I was honestly enjoying not being alone in the usually empty house. After the concert I contemplated for what seemed like ages on what I should wear. It would be stupid to deny the fact that I was nervous about seeing Camila and Hanna again. The most aesthetically beautiful couple I had ever laid eyes on. There was that feeling of slight jealousy again…but I decided on something rather simple because I didn’t want to appear desperate by wearing my tightest dress. Although the thought had crossed my mind. Instead I went with a pair of black skinny jeans, a cropped off grey shirt and denim vest with a pair of very high black heels. Casual but hot…hopefully. I usually wasn’t this insecure but Camila’s new confidence and appearance really made me question why people thought I was attractive?
My eyes scanned the filled living room when I saw the door open and Camila come through the door. No sight of Hanna. My heart made a quick leap in my chest even when it shouldn’t. I instantly made my way to her and greeted her with a big smile.
“Hey, welcome”, I said when the door opened again and Hanna appeared next to my ex band mate.
“Both of you”, I added with a grin though my heart sank a little.
“First if all, I want to apologize for being rude earlier. Sometimes it takes me a little while to come back to earth when I leave the stage. So I am very sorry if I seemed impolite”, I addressed Hanna because I did not want to come off like an ass in front of someone Camila obviously cared about.
“No, you were not rude at all. I figured that you were maybe just a little overwhelmed”, the blonde woman said understandingly and with that the tension seemed to ease.
My eyes focused on Camila who suddenly looked up. Did she just…check me out? I almost smirked but remembered that we weren’t alone. At least my outfit choice proved to be a success.
“Can I get you something to drink?”
“Since Hanna is driving I am the designated drinker”, Camila said cheekily. “Do you have any wine?”
“Wine?”, I asked with a raised eyebrow.
“What? Not cool enough for you?”, she shot back but I laughed gently.
“No, I just wouldn’t have pegged you as wine drinker.”
“Then, what would you suggest?”
“I suggest that I bring whatever it is that you desire. So, red or white?”
“Make it red.”
The conversation seemed to go perfectly and even Hanna’s presence didn’t cause me as much discomfort as I thought it would. She seemed very nice. When I returned to both women I handed Camila a glass of very expensive red wine and Hanna a non-alcoholic cocktail. They seemed pleased with their beverages and I was pleased with my improved behavior.
“Your house is insane”, Camila exhaled and looked around the mansion. I just thanked her politely but didn’t agree with her. It was honestly a waste of money since I spent, like what, five weeks a year in here. But, no complaining I told myself.
“Do you mind if we look around a bit?”
“No, not at all”, I said. “I can give you the grand tour.”
“You don’t have to do that. I’m sure there are other people who would also like to enjoy your hosting abilities”, the younger one said and smiled slightly, making my heart flutter.
I dismissed her concern about the other people with a hand motion and instructed them to follow me. The house was huge and I showed them only the most interesting parts. Camila especially loved the studio in the basement. Before I wanted to finish our tour, there was one room left.
“This is my office. Where all of my most valuable possessions are stored”, I explained when we entered the big room full of pictures and awards. There was one big wall, plastered with everything concerning Fifth Harmony. Our gold records and a lot of pictures. I saw Camila study the wall intently and taking a few sips from her glass which was almost empty by now. I joined her and watched her eyes narrow one picture of the group.
“Was that taken on…my 18th birthday?”, she said surprised and I almost choked on my drink.
“Yeah, I think so.” I knew it was taken that night but I tried to play it cool.
“Interesting”, she said almost smugly which made me look at her a little confused. “That was some night”, she added.
My eyes widened when she said that and my stupid mouth opened before I knew better.
“I thought you didn’t remember that night?”, I blurted out.
I kicked off my shoes and slowly made my way to the bathroom. A change of clothes and some cold water on my face seemed to do wonders. I had just returned from the night club where all of us had celebrated Camila’s 18thBirthday. It had been a great night, no doubt. To my own surprise I wasn’t nearly as drunk as I intended. If I was being honest, I stopped drinking when I saw how drunk Camila had been. My concern for the younger girl was bigger than my desire to party all night. I wanted to make sure that I was somewhat lucid in case something happened. But the night had ended and everyone had a great time.
Now I was just happy to wear my shorts and tank top and go to bed. Just when I slipped under the covers, I heard a loud thud right outside of my room, followed by what was Camilas voice.
“Lauren?!”, she almost screamed and started banging on my door. I shot up in my bed and basically ran to my hotel door before anyone else heard what was going on. The last thing I wanted, was for her to get in trouble on her birthday.
“Heeeeyyyyy”, she exclaimed as soon as I opened the door and actually threw herself into my arms.
“What the…”, I mumbled before struggling to keep my balance with the added weight of her entire body on mine. “Oh boy.”
“Lauren…”she just slurred and didn’t add anything else.
“Yep, that’s me.” I was concerned, to say the least. She didn’t seem this drunk when we left but now she was completely out of it. “Camila? Stand up, ok? I’ll get you to your room so you can lie down but you have to help me here a little”, I tried reasoning with her.
Her arms were still around my neck but she finally supported her own weight so I was able to hold her up straight.
“I don’t want to go…to my room. I want to stay here”, she continued slurring but I just dismissed her words. Instead I tried nudging her out the door with me but she became angry and pushed us back inside.
“Camila!” I interjected surprised.
“NO! I’m just going to back if you get me to my room”, she said causing me to sigh.
“Alright, you can crash here”, I gave in and told myself to just let her have my bed. Maybe I would be able to sneak in her room afterwards and sleep in her bed. She’ll probably be out cold and not even notice. Otherwise I’d take the floor as soon as she was asleep.
She slowly let go of me and started staggering towards my bed. I followed her after closing my door and looked at her coming to a stop in front of my bed.
“Oh god, I’m suffocating in this dress!”, she whined and with no hesitation at all started unzipping her dress in the back!
“What are you doing?”, I tried to stop her but she pulled down the upper part of her dress just when I had reached her. My eyes flew open when I saw her black bra right in front me and tried focusing on her eyes. She grinned from ear to ear when our eyes met and saw her bite her bottom lip.
“Can you give me your green sweatshirt that I really like? I always wanted to wear that.”
I solely focused on her face when she said that and abruptly went to my suitcase, pulling out the sweatshirt she was talking about. Carefully locking my eyes with her again, I handed her the piece of clothing. She tried pulling it over her head but failed miserably. She fell on to my bed with her arms tangled in the sleeves and her upper body still exposed. My eyes now studied the bare skin of her stomach, which looked so smooth and toned. It took me a second before I snapped back and tried helping her.
“Camz, hold still. You’re not making this any easier if you’re wiggling around”, I tried telling her but she just wouldn’t listen.
“Yo, what the hell are you doin?”, I heard Dinah’s voice come up behind me. I froze.
Shit, this looks bad. My hands were grasping the sweater as I was almost straddling Camila on the bed. The younger girl was still half naked and I knew what it must have looked like.
“She…Camila wanted…——she wanted to change and crash here but then she sort of fell on my bed”, I started explaining and realized how stupid I sounded. Camila had finally stopped moving, allowing me to pull down the sweatshirt and taking a step back. Dinah looked confused but amused as well. She was probably just as drunk as me but not quite as drunk as Camila.
“It’s all good, Lauren. You deal with her tonight. I’m gonna enjoy having a room to myself then”, she said and basically danced out of my room.
I let out a sigh of frustration when Camila just pulled of the dress completely. Here bare legs not being covered at all now made me gasp. The matching black underwear did not go unnoticed.
“You…should put on some pants”, I managed to say.
Camila suddenly grabbed my waist and pulled me closer. My heart started racing because that was very unlike her.
“Do you really want me to?”, she asked with a grin and I reminded myself how wasted she was. She probably thought I was Harry Styles at this point. I took her hand off my waist and walked back to my suitcase. A pair of black sweatpants would be the easiest decision now and I threw them on the bed next to her.
This time she succeeded in putting them on without my help and I had laid down on the other side of the bed with a book in my hand. There was another thud but this time Camila landed next to me on the bed. She was lying on her side and watched me intently. What on earth was she doing? Her breathing almost reached my arms because she was so close. I was starting to get nervous because I had never witnessed Camila this drunk. Not even close to that drunk actually.
“Do you hate me?”, she slurred.
“No, I don’t hate you”, I replied indifferently.
“Do you love me?”
My pulse quickened instantly although I tried my best to remain stoic. Sure, I loved her. She was my closest friend…in a sense. Things were still weird sometimes after her last late night visit. The memory of that night made me gulp lightly. Tonight felt like a big déjà vu. She hadn’t looked at me for months after that night and I didn’t want to risk losing her again by making drunken choices. It had taken us a very long time to get over whatever happened that night. It’s been over a year now and she still didn’t spend any time with me alone. This was the first time since…the experiment.
“What are you reading?” she continued asking because I didn’t answer.
“Do you really care?” I asked amused because she was obviously just trying to get my attention.
“No” she laughed and made me to join in her laughter. I finally looked up from my book and met her gaze. Her eyes were a little dazed from the alcohol but there was such depth in them. They always amazed me. Even in her drunken state, she looked at me like I was the most important person in her life. It had been a very long time since she had looked at me like that. I missed it and for just a second I wanted to believe that I was still her person. Even though I knew it wasn’t true. I felt myself smiling at her in silence and almost losing myself in those big chocolate eyes.
“You are something else”, I said lovingly and wanted to return to my book.
What happened next took my breath away: literally. Before realizing what was happening, I felt Camila’s lips pressing against mine making me squeal and back away instinctively.
“What the hell are you doing?!” I exclaimed in complete and utter shock. She managed to do it again and leave me absolutely perplexed. This time I definitely blamed the large amounts of alcohol in her system.
“What does it look like I’m doing?” she said without backing off and still staying extremely close to me.
“It looks like you are wasted and not aware of your actions right now.”
Camila giggled and made my heart flutter in a way I had never felt before. What the hell was that?
“I just…want to have some fun. Last time we did this, it was fun, right? Before I screwed it up, of course”, she slurred and apparently didn’t realize that she was now acknowledging our ‘special night’ for the very first time. Well, it took her only 15 months. I couldn’t answer because I wasn’t sure what was going on in that head of hers right now.
“It’s my birthday, so consider it my birthday gift”, she tried a different angle.
“I already gave you your gift and technically it’s not your birthday anymore”, I said as factual as possible, causing her to groan in frustrating.
“Lauren…” she whispered and looked up to my eyes again. “Always so serious.”
She was mocking me now. I hated it when people said I was too serious or uptight. Which was exactly what she was accusing me of right now. Just because I didn’t want to make out with her for fun? When did she become ‘Miss Uninhibited’? This was only the alcohol speaking. I didn’t respond in hopes of her giving up but we ended up having a staring contest. Her eyes softened and I was able to distinguish a certain sadness that made me seriously consider just giving her what she wanted.
“I just…want to feel something”, she suddenly said and made my resistance crumble even more. Her desperation was so heartbreaking and familiar. There were a lot of times where I was feeling just as empty and hollow. I finally understood why she was asking me for it. Or at least I thought so. She craved that closeness and comfort, right? Just like me. My thoughts were going back to the first time this happened and I couldn’t deny that I had enjoyed being that close to her. It wasn’t just physical either. There was something special when we were together; a natural chemistry that translated into physical compatibility as well.
My vanishing resistance must have been visible because I saw Camila leaning in to kiss me. This time, I let her. Her soft lips were unlike any other lips I had ever kissed. My book slowly fell off the bed when the younger girl’s mouth was almost attacking me. Her kiss was a little sloppy and I could definitely taste the alcohol. It wasn’t a bad kiss but we could do so much better, I thought. That’s why I pulled away gently, forcing her to look at me.
“Slow and steady, remember”, I whispered with the biggest smirk before initiating our next try. She was a quick learner, that’s for sure. Even during the first time she had effortlessly managed to do exactly what I told her to do.
But this time it was different. As much as I was struggling to remain in control, she hastily moved her lips against mine and seemed hell-bent on making it even more intense than last time. Her body was inching dangerously close and I felt almost powerless when she tried to devour my lips with hers. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried once again to make her slow down by placing my hands on both sides of her face; moving her head slowly in a pace that I felt more comfortable in.
All of a sudden I felt one of her legs move up and trying to get on the other side of my hip. Was she trying to straddle me?! I had to avoid that because kissing was one thing but I wasn’t sure if I was ready to give up any more of the control. That’s why I gently, yet affirmatively pushed her on her back so I was the one laying on my side now. I adjusted myself slightly over her and relaxed even more. Who was I kidding? I loved being in control. And I loved seeing the admiration in those big brown eyes when I became more confidant and dominant. God, this is so wrong, I thought, looking down but I couldn’t stop myself from bending down and giving her a kiss, very similar to the first ones we shared; sensual and playful. Withdrawing my lips every once in a while and making her sigh in frustration when I pulled away.
Her hand slowly placed herself on my shoulder. I was surprised to feel her warm fingertips gently stroking my skin. The tank top I wore gave her a lot bare skin to work with and she took advantage of it - exploring my collarbone and shoulders thoroughly. The other hand quickly found the courage to tangle up in my thick long hair. She probably didn’t realize it in her fuzzy state but she was driving me absolutely insane. The way her fingers mimicked the intensity of her feelings made me all tingly. Because every time I deepened the kiss, her fingers gripped my skin and hair more intensely, signaling she liked it.
The subtle things made my thoughts run wild and swim in a pool of lust and fear. I had never paid so close attention to anyone. Every little touch, breath or movement did not go unnoticed and that scared the crap out of me. I could be selfish and even self-involved but I always told myself that artists were supposed to be that way. But when it came to Camila I couldn’t help but be constantly concerned with what she was doing or feeling. It felt like a second nature to me almost.
I was starting to lose control once again when she was pulling me closer and kissed me with a passion that I had never felt before. Every few seconds she sent another shiver down my spine. She was panting and I heard a soft moan escape her lips. I didn’t care at this point. I was not about to ruin this again and responded by sucking her bottom lip for the very first time. Her reaction made me almost faint because she arched her back, and scratched my shoulder unexpectedly.
“Ouch”, I gasped when her fingernails left red streaks on my skin.
“Sorry”, she mumbled but didn’t even give a second to catch my breath before she connected our lips again. Her grip become more desperate and I felt her pulling me more strongly towards her. I tried my best avoiding too much contact because I was already in a very dangerous state as it was.
“Camz…slow down”, I panted, breaking free from her kiss, which intoxicated every single cell of my body. Her slim body was constantly trying to reach mine and I felt myself giving in with every passing second. My last resort was actually begging her to stop tempting me like this.
Of course it didn’t work. Camila was not even hearing me at this point and just continued what she was doing before. Her leg wrapped itself around my hip, causing me to stop breathing for a second. It still didn’t bother her because I felt her tongue sneakily pushing through my parted lips. My body was reacting before my brain could catch up; meeting her tongue with mine. I wasn’t even aware of what I was doing when I tilted my head, cupped her face with both hands and began exploring the younger girl’s mouth with my tongue. She was basically convulsing under me now.
Suddenly I felt her hand slip under my tank top, tracing my entire spine with just one finger.
“Wait…”, I tried to say but I wasn’t sure if I had even said anything. Instead I looked into a couple of hungry brown eyes full of lust. My pulse was out of control and I found myself at yet another crossroad. The rational part of my brain told me to stop whereas my body screamed for more. Her trembling lips kissed my chin when her hand moved forward and almost touched the fabric of my bra.
“Camila, stop…”, I finally managed to say.
My reflexes were surprisingly quick and I grabbed her wrist, slowly pulling our hands out from under my shirt.
“What? We were just getting to the good part, right?”, she said breathlessly while my jaw dropped a little. Did she seriously just say that? My nerves started flaring up once again because I realized this was not a fun experiment anymore. The intensity of this moment was unmet by anything I’ve ever experienced before. I just looked at her in disbelief and tried reading her eyes.
“You instructed me with first base so why not second base.”
That was the moment where my brain took over. She couldn’t possibly want me to do this. She was drunk and I took advantage of the situation. This could be the end of our friendship, I thought. Her hand was still stroking my hair while the rest of her body was urging me to get back down and pick up where we left of.
“You don’t honestly expect me to do that when you’re this hammered? Tomorrow you’re not going to remember any of this and I am already starting to feel like a perverted asshole who took advantage of you”, I stated nervously.
Camila just laughed. “If anyone took advantage here, it was me. And I kinda liked it”, she whispered and tried kissing me again but I pulled back. She groaned even more frustrated now and fell back into the mattress, finally letting of my still tingling body. “You still don’t get it…”, she trailed off with a sigh and closed her eyes. I watched her intently as she drifted to sleep within a few seconds. Her hair spread out on the pillow, her face relaxed and soft made her look a lot younger than eighteen. She looked peaceful. I planted a tender kiss on her forehead before getting of the bed.
I needed some air…or a cigarette. Even better. Making my way to the lobby, I didn’t expect anyone to be there because it was in the middle of the night. Lighting my cigarette, I inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. I didn’t smoke often but sometimes I needed it to take the edge off. And right now, I really needed some edge taken off.
“Girl, I know you think you’re Lana Del Rey and shit, but if you think you’re gonna be smoking on stage next, I’m gonna kick your ass”, I heard Dinah’s voice and laughed immediately.
“Why are you still up?”, I asked surprised because she was the one sleeping the most usually.
“Needed a midnight snack”, she said and pointed to some sort of vending machine. “I guess Mila is passed out?”
I nodded slightly and tried my best not to be suspicious in any way.
“Did you guys have a fight? You have some serious scratches on her shoulder.”
My eyes focused the part of my body Dinah had just mentioned. There were three very long and almost bloody scratches on my shoulder blade. Damn, I knew Camila was being rough but this display just emphasized how out of control things had gotten.
“That happened when I was trying to get her to change. When she fell, she accidently scratched me because she was trying to keep herself from falling over”, I lied as best as I could. “She’s quite the handful when she’s drunk.”
“Yeah, I bet”, the other girl said in a tone that made me think she knew more than I wanted her to know.
“I hate to ask but…is there any way we could switch rooms tonight?”, I asked carefully.
“You want me to take over and sleep in your bed?”
I nodded my head and hoped she wouldn’t ask any more questions. And she didn’t. We just exchanged our room keys and I felt relieved. Camila was not going to remember anything tomorrow and I would pretend nothing happened. Perfect plan.
“Do you think she will remember anything tomorrow?”, I asked Dinah trying to sound as nonchalantly as humanly possible. She looked at me for a few seconds before answering.
“Hell, no! Did you see that girl? I’ll be surprised if she even wakes up tomorrow”, she said and slowly made her way down the corridor to my room, where she would spent the night.
She’s not going to remember, I repeated internally. It was the only chance I had of maintaining my friendship with Camila. After Dinah’s agreement I felt more confident that I would be the only person ever knowing this even happened.