"Queen Be! Start over! We're losing you as soon as the chorus comes in!" the director yelled to me as the music for "No One Mourns the Wicked" cut off suddenly.
I coughed, trying to prepare my throat for the extremely high notes. I wasn't exactly an opera singer. Notes ike Glinda's took some getting used to. Not to mention that I had to get used to singing it in Korean instead of English, too.
"I'm sorry, Shiljjang-nim..."
"Don't apologize, just get it right." His words were harsh. there was absolutely no favoritism going on in the theater. We'd only been practicing for two weeks, but the directors were already getting serious. It was much, much more than was expected from high school musicals. But, then again, for those it was accounted for that we had other responsibilities outside of the musical. For this, it was a job. Even when I wasn't in rehearsal, I was expected to be practicing. Most of my day was spent going over music, reviewing lines... stuff like that.
"Alright, start the music again!"
~
I dropped onto the chair next to Min Hee, tossing my hair over my shoulder. I really wished they would let me cut it. It was getting long enough at this point that I was starting to sit on it. But no-- they wanted me to keep it long for the musical.
Min Hee nudged me, pointing to a picture on her phone. "Wow, the sexy is coming out. Better keep your eyes on your boyfriend."
"He's not like that, Min Hee!"
"Sure he's not. Any more than you are. Actually, come to think of it, you're probably much more dirty-minded than he is."
"I don't doubt that. Well, actually... I don't know. There all really crazy. And Mimi's no exception."
"You even have nicknames. It's adorable."
"Don't you have a nickname for John? Something like "son-of-a--"
"Ladies! Break's over!"
Min Hee stood up, laughing. "Son of a drunk, yes. Now come on, Glinda. You're supposed to be the good witch. Get your mind out of the gutter."
"Hey, the gutter is a nice place. It's fun down there."
"I'm so happy I cannot read your mind, Melissa. I don't think I would enjoy the pictures."
"Why? Since I have such a vivid imagination, they're practically in high-definition..."
"You're not helping! And practice your dance! You almost tripped me last time!"
~
It's somewhat lonely to be a solo artist. It really is. When I had to rehearse lines, I didn't have any members to give the script to and have them read for me. When I needed to practice dancing, I was in the practice room (the one with the cloud wallpaper. You know the one), all by myself.
Which was where I was, practicing the choreography for "Dancing Through Life", when Minho knocked on the door. I turned the music off and sat down against the wall.
"I was actually going to talk to you when I had the time, Sunbae."
"Oh, really?"
"Yup. Em wanted me to ask you not to tell anyone about her little fiasco... she's embarrassed and doesn't want her precious B.A.P members to hear about it."
"Rstory Em?"
"Yeah. She's been really worried about it."
"Is she okay? After almost drowning, I mean."
"Oh, sure, she's fine. She's not quite as tough as I am, but the girl recovers quickly. Why, are you worried?"
He leaned against the wall, thinking. "A little. Technically I saved her life as much as she saved mine, but I don't think it's nearly as embarrassing on my end."
I thought about the videos of it that had played on the news for weeks, and had almost as many hits on Youtube as the Rstory video that made them famous, and remembered the hilarious way Em had struggled through the water, calling Minho's name. I tried not to laugh.
"You have a point there."
"Do you think I could maybe pay her back?"
"Huh? Ummmm... maybe. Do you know the B.A.P members?"
"Not very well."
"Pity. That would kill her. Well, I guess... I can give you her phone number, and you can call her and ask..."
"I already gave her mine, but she never called me."
It was difficult to hide the grin playing its way over my lips. "Oh, did you now?" There were a million and one ways I could raise hell with just that knowledge.
"Choi Minsung, you're scaring me."
"Mission accomplished, then. But I'm warning you, she thinks you're a frog."
"What?"
"A frog. Well, she doesn't really think you're a frog, but I'm willing to bet she won't drop it very easily."
"You have odd taste in friends."
"Coming from the hyung whore..."
"How much do you know?!"
I laughed maniacally for point. "I know more than you'd ever want me to, Choi Minho."
"You've been talking to Key again, haven't you?"
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!"
~
Okay, I admit, it's really fun to act like a nutcase in front of my sunbaes. Especially when he's asking questions about my best friends. Minho's questions made me feel uncomfortable, so I just acted weird to get him slightly flustered. Is that cruel? That I myself had someone that said sweet things to me and smiled for me even when I knew he was having a terrible day, yet the idea of someone being even remotely interested in my friends made me squirm slightly. Especially because it was my sunbae. I mean... I knew these people. I worked with these people.
But hey, maybe I was just blowing this all way out of proportion. Maybe Minho was just being a nice guy, and was worrying about Em's well-being. After all, the girl could be a bit... much sometimes. But, then again, couldn't I? Of the five of us, the Wisconsin Girls, I was the one who was the least approachable. The one men deliberately avoided because I had a strong enough personality that could overshadow them. And in a male-dominant world, men don't generally like women that can overshadow them.
Perhaps I am a feminist. I've never really thought about it before. But, I mean, I don't exactly fight for women's rights. I just don't understand why I should be expected to admit I'm wrong just because it's a man saying so. And believe me, the messages are subtler, but they're still there.
Okay, random tangent. Back to Em and Minho.
Em didn't actually think that Minho was a frog. But since she wasn't a SHINee fan, she wasn't holding back her usual strange behavior for him, so she said the first things that came into her head. Which was usually quite peculiar.
But hey, maybe it's strange behavior that can peak someone's interest. Maybe it's that kind of thing that makes someone curious. So then they start to pay attention. Not that I had any experience with this.
Oh, wait...
"Minsung? Minsung. Earth to Choi Minsung!"
It wasn't until Krystal waved her hand in front of my face that I realized that I'd been staring into space in the middle of a meeting with f(x).
"Oh! Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I just completely spaced out." I cleared my throat, blushing. "So the song is pretty simple. I thought it would be good for you guys because it's pretty bright and cheery. Which most of my songs aren't, so you should consider yourselves lucky."
"Why are so many of your songs depressing, though?" Sulli asked, but looking like she was only half interested in the discussion over the song.
"What can I say? I'm a cynic. Life is pain. ANYWAY, so the company is giving this song to you. Lots of English lines for Amber and Krystal..."
"Great!" Amber yelled, taking the sheet music from me. "What's the song about again?"
"It's called 'Secret Secret', so you can figure it out."
"Oooooh, a secret boyfriend?!" Luna asked, looking over Amber's shoulder at the music.
"Yes. So what do you think? I don't know if it's single material or not, but they asked me to explain it to you, so there you go." I started to get up, but Victoria caught my arm.
"Are you in a hurry? You want to watch a movie with us?"
I bit my lip. "Normally I would, but..." but I have a date. It was an extremely weird thought. Not that it was the first one. It just still felt weird to think about.
She seemed a little disappointed, but shrugged and said, "oh". Then she suddenly looked up at me again and said "OOOOHHHH..." like she'd been hit by some epiphany.
The other members gave their leader a strange look, and I put my finger to my lips, making a clear point to Victoria.
"What? Victoria! What do you know?!" Krystal, Sulli, Luna and Amber all clambered closer to her, trying to get the truth out of her.
"I can't tell you! Minsung will kill me!"
"Yes, I will! Goodbye ladies! Talk to you later!"
"No wait, hey! Get back here!"
~
"You've sold over half a million albums over the past three months, and you still can't afford a pair of high heels?" Tiffany asked as I pulled my hair into a side ponytail and looked at myself in the mirror.
"The company paid for my plane ticket here. And my school application. And my dorm with Min Hee. They're still taking it out of my earnings," I answered, twisting to make sure that the black high-heeled boots I was wearing went well with the skinny jeans and sapphire blue wrap I was wearing over my blue-green tank top. "So I'm not actually getting most of it. And besides, it's not that I can't afford the high heels. It's that I still have to make choices between high heels and other things I need. Like cat food."
As if to prove the point, KyuMin strolled up and rubbed against my leg. I picked him up, feeling him purr as I stroked his back.
"Well, you look fine, honey. You actually look like a girl!"
"Are you sure this isn't a bit much? What if I draw too much attention, and someone notices me?"
"You'll be fine. Just act like a girl on a romantic date."
"Isn't that--"
"EXACTLY! And try not to act too..."
"American?"
"I was going to say 'obnoxious'. But same thing."
I took a shaky breath, looking at myself again in the mirror. "Tiffany, this isn't our first date. It's not. Why am I still so nervous?!"
She shrugged, then smiled. "How am I supposed to know? But seriously, don't worry about it!"
"And you have to keep your promise. You can't tell anyone."
"Honey, almost everyone at the company knows about it already."
"REALLY?!"
"I had a bet with Taeyeon about how long it would take you to start dating," she admitted. "I lost. I was betting It wouldn't take so long. But she thought you'd scare him too much."
"Well, she wasn't wrong. I scare everyone away."
"Apparently not everyone. Now shut up and get out of here! Go, go... where are you going, again?"
"Restaurant."
"Oh, right! Go eat." She pushed me out the door, taking my cat away from me. "But don't order anything too expensive, or say really obtrusive things, or..."
"Nah, I think I'll just wing it."
"You say that every time!"
"Thank you for helping me get ready, Tiffany. See you later, okay?"
"Call me after you get back! Tell me how it goes!"
"Okay, okay, okay."
"Lychees!" I remarked, holding the small white fruit up with my fork. "I LOVE these!" I took a bite, enjoying the sweet pear-like flavor. I smiled at the taste, wondering why I hadn't eaten any in a while. Not since I had moved out of the apartment with Min Hee. That was when I had gone to the local market, doing my own shopping.
Oh my gosh, I was doing it again. I was with Zhou Mi, and I was thinking of completely random things. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Why can't I focus on one thing for like, two seconds?!
"You're blushing again," he pointed out, smiling over his food.
I blushed deeper. "I'm thinking about stupid stuff again."
"Tell me."
"Just, you know... trainee times. When I bought my own food. I can't do my own grocery shopping anymore. I kind of miss haggling."
He laughed, then leaned forward onto his elbows. "Well, you do well on variety shows, then."
"I really wanted to be on 'Mamma Mia', so I can mess with Kyuhyun while he's MCing, but my mom hates cameras, and would never agree to it. It's terrible, really."
"You could try 'Radio Star' instead," he suggested.
"Ooooohhh, now there's an idea! Maybe when I have a comeback. I just love publicly harassing my Oppas. Especially Kyuhyun. He's fun to pick on."
"Am I?"
"Of course!" I blurted, then realized what I said. "I mean... well, yeah. But, shhh... It's my secret." I suddenly started laughing, realizing what I'd just said in Chinese. "My secret". Wo de mimi.
I bit back the laughter when I saw his confused expression. So I said it again. "My secret," I said in English. "Wo de Mimi."
He laughed. "You even wrote a song about me."
I spewed some of the water back in the glass, choking on it. Very classy, I know. "How do you know--?!"
"Song Qian."
"Do any of the people in this company know how to keep things to themselves?!"
"No, not really."
"Yes, you're probably right. It is the SM family, after all." I took a bite, contemplating while I chewed. "Everyone knows. It's a very bad secret."
"Stop saying 'secret'! You're confusing me!"
"Sorry, Mimi," I laughed. "Although I think this is the first time I've been able to use any puns when I'm speaking in Chinese. You guys do that to me all the time, and it's always PEW! Way over my head."
"That's a good thing?"
"You're lucky I liked you enough to learn your language, instead of the other way around. From the way you all were in the U.S, I know what happens when you try to learn English."
"I'm learning English!"
"Oh really? Okay, test time," I teased. "Prove it."
He pulled a notebook out of his pocket and opened it in front of me. It took me a second to realize what it was.
"HEY! That's my quote notebook!" I tried to snatch it back, but he pulled it out of reach, reading aloud, "Sometimes one must choose whether to be kind or to be honorable. Sometimes, one cannot be both." He looked quite proud of himself. "Will, Clockwork Princess."
I leaned forward, resting my chin in my hands and trying not to show how much of an effect those words had on me. "You're pronunciation leaves something to be desired. But otherwise, I'm almost impressed."
"I'm going to pretend it was a compliment."
I needed to stop looking at him, or I would kiss him. And I couldn't do that in public. People would see. And then there would go our secret.
So I quickly scooped food into my mouth, trying to quiet my heartbeat. "So what does it mean, then? Since I know you didn't read the book."
"How are you so sure?"
"You or Henry reading anything more than a hundred pages long is like a Christmas miracle."
"Yeah, you're probably right."
We both laughed, and then he slid his plate to the side of the table and leaned forward. "Okay, so it means that doing the good thing isn't always the same thing as doing the right thing. You can help someone, but you'd be hurting yourself by doing so."
"Correct. Of course, context in the original book was Will Herondale comparing himself to Sydney Carton from A Tale of Two Cities. When Lucie Mannette has to choose between saving the soul of the self-destructive Sydney, or Charles Darnay, the man she was already married to." My eyes were getting misty. Personally, it was the most romantic story in the world. Screw Romeo and Juliette. I hated that play.
Zhou Mi shook his head. "One second I think I understand what you're saying and then the next thing I know, you're rambling about things I don't understand at all."
"Oh, sorry! Anyway, give me my quote book back! I've been looking for that!"
"No, I think I'll keep it. It gives me insight into the things you don't say."
"Do you want me to tell you everything that comes to my mind?! Because I assure you, nobobdy wants to go there. Yourself included."
"Then what kinds of things do you think?"
Blushing. Blushing. Blushing. Don't say it. Don't say anything. It's horrible. "I'm telling you, I'm not telling you." I pushed my empty plate away and stood up. "You're going to kill me yet, Mimi."
He moved around the table, so he was standing next to me. "Okay, then answer at least one question." He looked so nervous. It must be something serious.
"How do women walk in those things?!" he asked, pointing down at my high-heeled boots.
I started laughing. And couldn't stop. And then we were both laughing, and it took a long time for me to stop. "One foot in front of the other. Keep your back straight. That's really all I can say."
~
"I shouldn't have been nervous at all. I think I just need to be comfortable," I said to Tiffany over the phone. "The way it was before. Only different."
"I totally understand exactly what you mean."
"Sarcasm not appreciated here, Tiff!"
"I'm not being sarcastic! But hey, you're doing fine. Just don't act like a kid."
"I've never felt like a kid. Even when I was one."
"That's good. Just be your normal strange, eccentric, yet very smart self. Unless... you didn't talk about books, did you?!"
"Ummm..."
"You did."
"I can't help it! They're a part of my life!"
"Well, I guess I can't stop you. Just try not to talk too much about stuff he has no idea about. Okay? Alright, I have to go. We're practicing our new song."
"It won't be fantastic."
"What?! Why?"
"Because I didn't write it."
I heard her laugh through the line. "Goodnight, honey. See you tomorrow, probably."
~
"Did you even practice, Queen Be?! Do you spend all of your time just playing around?! How can we produce a musical if one of the two main characters can't even get her notes right?!" the director yelled as the music screeched to a halt and the lights went down.
"I practice every day, Shiljjang-nim," I replied with as much dignity as I could manage.
"Then why have you made the same mistakes over and over again?! Are you learning nothing?!"
I choked down the tears that were starting to come to my eyes. I wasted half of my life, practicing for that musical. I was an idol. I couldn't just focus on one thing at a time. I needed to write songs, practice the ones I already had, and look over offers from other people requesting that I work with them. All day every day. And yet I still spent half of the overall day just time and time again singing the songs. Practicing the music. Counting beats. Running through the dances.
"I'll try harder, Shiljjang-nim," was all I could say, fighting to control my voice so that it wouldn't break.
"Shiljjang-nim, maybe we should take a break..." Min Hee suggested as gently as she could.
"And you, Kim Min Hee! I'm sure Queen be has earned her popularity somehow. I doubt she wants your help all of the time. Perhaps you should practice your own music more often, instead of concentrating on hers. The two of you are the stars. You should be an example for the rest of the cast!"
Min Hee clenched her fist so tightly that her knuckles turned white, trying to control herself. "May we please take a break, Ahjusshi?"
"Fine. Five minutes," he sighed, and stalked off.
As soon as he was gone, Min Hee and I crumpled to the ground, both of us utterly drained.
"I don't know what else to do," I blurted, rubbing my eyes. "I practice every day. Over and over again. I give my all during rehearsal. And yet I can never get it right."
Min Hee just sighed and shook her head. "I know. Same here. But hey, don't feel so bad about it. When this is over with, they'll be begging you to come back for another musical. They're just stressed because we open in a couple weeks. So they have to push that stress onto somebody."
I half-smiled, and took a swig of water. "Well, at least we have each other."
She returned the smile, lightly kicking me in the leg. "Yeah, at least we have each other. Just like old times, right?"
"Right."
~
While I practiced for my musical, the boys of SJM were preparing for their October comeback. I'd passed my birthday without even realizing it. That was how absorbed I'd been in my life. I was nineteen, and hadn't even realized it. Not that being nineteen actually gained me anything. I guess I just didn't think of it as important, as completely focused on work as I was.
However, working towards a comeback meant that the boys were all very, very busy. Dance practice ran for hours. Vocal practice just as long. And inbetween that, there was still the usual business of running SuKiRa and writing songs, and keeping up with practice on the older songs so they didn't get rusty.
So when I got home after practice, I sat down on the ground of my living room and pulled out my jewelry kit. I hadn't made anything in a long time, so people were starting to insist that I buy jewelry. Which, for me, is almost insulting. I don't buy jewelry.
I began twisting wire, and stringing beads, and tying knots, focusing on making a pair of golden earings that were shaped like a bee. My signature animal now, apparently.
It was good for me. It was a nice break from repeatedly going over the music from Wicked, and only draining energy from myself. And still, despite getting yelled at by the directors, and constantly screwing up, I still enjoyed the musical. So being able to just take a break was nice. Relaxing. I was able to focus entirely on twisting the wires together, making the jewelry shine.
I heard the door open, and I set the jewelry kit aside, so I could get up and meet my visitor.
It was Zhou Mi, carefully closing the door behind himself. I relaxed again, and smiled at him.
He needed it. His face was gaunt and drawn, and the rings under his eyes were darker than usual. His regular straight, proud posture was dulled by exhaustion, and his shoulders slumped.
He immediately sat against the wall next to me, then stretched out so he was laying on the ground with my lap as a pillow. As if that was the idea from even before he had entered.
I leaned forward and kissed him, just happy to have him there. When I straightened back up, I bit back a smile and dragged my fingertips over the skin of his hairline, asking "Are you comfy?"
"Mhm," was his answer.
I laughed, letting my fingers wind and curl through his thick, smooth hair. Long, like an idol's should be. Just having him there was enough to make me forget about the hard day at practice, and feel like smiling. "This reminds me of the time when you worked so hard that you got a fever and fainted on me and I had to drag you into a tea shop so you'd be out of the street."
I felt, rather than heard, his laughter, and saw it from the way his lips curled upwards. "That was really embarrassing."
"You were laying on the ground in front of me and then suddenly sat up, because you'd hallucinated that you were laying in my lap." I laughed again, recalling the scene. "Only this time, you're not hallucinating it."
"I dont know why I thought that. It was really strange."
"Wishful thinking?" I suggested.
"I didn't really... not at that point."
"Oh darn. It wasn't love at first sight. Of course, that doesn't actually exist."
"It doesn't?! My entire childhood has been a lie!"
I laughed again, my jewlery project already entirely forgotten. "You look better now."
"Than the way I had then? I don't have a fever this time."
"No, I mean from when you walked in. You don't seem so... exhausted." It was true. The tension was gone from his shoulders, and there weren't so many stress lines on his face.
"Really? Because I feel like I could just fall asleep right now."
"That's because you're relaxed now. It's relieving. I was worried that you were overworking yourself again."
"You don't get that much sleep, either. Yet you always still have energy."
I continued to run my fingers through his hair, just completely unable to stop. "Well, you know. That's one advantage to being young. I have lots of energy. But you wouldn't know. You're an old man."
He made a face at me, despite his closed eyes, and I could only laugh. After a long silence, I wondered if he'd fallen asleep.
"There are much more comfortable places to sleep than my lap, Mimi. Like in your dorm. With Henry."
"Are you trying to get rid of me?"
"Yes. My foot's falling asleep."
He laughed again, but didn't move. "I'll go back soon. But just... just a little while longer."
"People are going to find out eventually," I blurted, because it had been on my mind the entire time.
"I know," he replied. "I don't care."