It was 7:54 am. I was standing in the gym and I was alone. Granted, I was a few minutes early, but usually, at least a few of the Avengers are here for our 8 o'clock training session early too. Something was going on.
Pietro had left early this morning with Wanda. It was almost the anniversary of their parent's deaths, and they wanted to spend some time alone. I had sworn to give them as much privacy as possible, even though Pietro had insisted it wasn't necessary. This was something that was between them, and I respected that.
Besides, ever since the Battle of Sokovia, Wanda and Pietro have been spending less time together than they were used to, and I had a feeling I was the cause. It's not that Wanda didn't like me and wouldn't hang out with us occasionally, but I think she still feels responsible for what happened between us in the Hydra base, so she seems to avoid me most of the time. So, I resolved to give them all the time they needed together. For now, I was on my own.
I teleported to Steve, who should've already been in the training room, hoping for an answer from him on the Avengers' absences. He was in the control room, where about twenty agents were clicking away at their computers, monitoring potential threats. Steve was leaned over the shoulder of a woman named Renee. I had never actually talked to her, but I'd passed her several times in the hall, and I'd read her file. But, to be fair, I've read everyone's file. Call me paranoid, but after HYDRA hurt me, I was going to do everything in my power to make sure that double agents were a thing of the past.
Steve and Renee both jumped as I appeared next to them in a fury of blue light. Steve regained his composure quickly, and let his head fall in front of him with a sigh.
"How many times have I told you not to sneak up on me like that, Em?" Steve asked under his breath.
"Sorry." I mumbled. "Sorry, Renee." The woman looked taken aback by the use of her name. I felt heat rise to my cheeks. I guess it's not normal to use someone's name when you've never actually been introduced. I already had the reputation of being a stalker and eavesdropper because of my powers. I really didn't need to help play into that.
I cleared my throat and continued, turning back to Steve. "Why aren't you dressed? Training starts in five minutes. Doesn't it look bad for our fearless leader to be late?"
Steve wrinkled his eyebrows together. "Didn't I tell you? I gave everyone the day off."
I huffed out my chest. "I haven't talked to you outside of training for about three weeks, Steve. When exactly did you think you told me about that?"
Steve had been busy lately, but that wasn't the only reason we hadn't talked in a few weeks. Shortly after the Battle of Sokovia, Steve came to me, asking if I could track down Bucky for him. I knew Bucky didn't want to be found. Steve himself knew that, but he didn't want to listen to reason, so I lied. I told him that I couldn't track him because I had never met him. Both of those were lies. I could find someone by just knowing their name if I really wanted to. And, I had met Bucky once. When I first got my powers, I had accidentally teleported to him, and talked with him briefly. Our conversation, on top of everything else, was enough to convince me that it was for the best if Bucky was able to stay hidden for a little bit longer.
But, as my powers developed, Steve started to doubt my lie, and asked me again and again to find Bucky. Finally, a few weeks ago, I told him the truth. I told him that I could find him, but I wouldn't, for his sake. I knew too well what it felt like to lose yourself, quite literally, and I couldn't even imagine what he felt like, being forced to do so many terrible things over the years.
No, I wouldn't help Steve find Bucky until Bucky was ready, and when he was, I wouldn't need to help.
Still, Steve was blinded when it came to his best friend, and to him, it didn't really matter if I was right or wrong.
"I guess I just assumed you knew, then." Steve said.
It was a flimsy excuse, and he knew that. He also knew that I was very sensitive about the fact that I couldn't completely control my shadows. I let out an exasperated breath, and gave him a pointed look. "Right, so we don't have to talk, because I'm always just spying on you, is that it? You know I can't control my powers fully yet, Steve. I do have better things to do than watch you all day."
"Em, you know I didn't mean it like that." Steve said.
"I used to always know what you meant." I said sadly. "And you always used to trust me."
"You think because you had one conversation with Bucky, suddenly you know what's best for him? I've known him a lot longer than you have, Emelia. What right do you have to tell me what is and isn't good for him?"
"You knew the old Bucky, Steve. He isn't the same person he used to be." I said, trying not to raise my voice. I was fully aware of everyone in the room looking our way.
"How would you know?" Steve seethed.
"Are you the same person you used to be?" I snapped. To make matters worse, my skin started to glow a faint blue,a side effect of my anger. Yet another aspect of my powers I hadn't learned to control yet.
Steve could hardly look at me. I shouldn't have come to him. Why did I? I could have just gone to Nat about training. That was stupid of me. Steve clearly wasn't ready to think clearly about this.
I teleported out of the room without a second thought, wanting more than anything to be away from the invasive glances of the agents. I teleported to the room that Pietro and I shared and only took the time to throw on some day clothes before teleporting again. As my feet left the ground, I didn't really know where I was going. I just wanted away from here.
My feet hit the ground again, and I felt the sun on my face. As I looked around, I immediately recognized my surroundings. I was in the Square, the memorial to the victims of the Battle of New York, and the place I had first met Steve.
Thankfully, no one had seen my hasty arrival here. Everyone was too preoccupied with their own lives to notice me. I put the hood on my sweatshirt up, and started walking. No one knew my face yet. Steve had decided it was best for Pietro and I to stay out of the press so that once we left, there were no questions about where we'd gone. I just didn't want anyone looking at me at all.
I walked until I reached a bench on the far side of the Square. The bench faced a wall that had all the names of the deceased from the battle engraved into it. I had stared at this wall for hours upon hours since I came into possession of the infinity stone in my chest. It was a painful reminder of what the power I hold can do in the wrong hands, with the wrong intentions.
The names of 74 civilians and another 42 National Guard, NYPD and firefighters were all engraved on the wall in front of me, and all I hear when I look at it are the screams of people dying that I could hear from my apartment building that day. I remember seeing the smoke rising over midtown and hearing buildings reduced to rubble.
In the battle of Sokovia, 177 people were killed by an artificial intelligence that was made possible in Tony's research by the Mind Stone. The stones could change the velocity of the human race in a day, and in fact, they made a habit of it. HYDRA was founded in search of the power of the stone in my chest. How many horrors have they caused during the war, or in the years since then?
"I thought I might find you here." Steve's voice startled me.
"Didn't we just have a conversation about not sneaking up on people?" I asked looking foward at the wall.
Steve walked around the bench and sat next to me. "Yeah, well, payback."
I probably would have laughed at that if I wasn't so upset right now.
Steve was quiet for a moment, just staring forward at the wall
"Why do you come here?" He asked, finally.
I took a breath before answering. The sun was shining off the memorial, making me squint into the sunlight.
"Everything is so different with the stone. Before, I could do what I want, and it didn't matter. I didn't matter. Now, every single decision I make has the potential to impact the entire universe, good or bad. If I let my guard down for one minute, I could start something that could hurt so many people. This place; these names; it's a reminder of the weight of the Infinity Stone." I said.
"Em, you would never hurt a soul. You don't even like killing bugs." Steve said.
"But I can. If I wanted to, right now, I could send this entire planet hurtling towards the sun. That terrifies me." I said.
"But you wouldn't. That's what matters. All of us are capable of terrible things, even without powers. What's important is what's in your-" Steve stopped short, awkwardly.
I looked at him confused, and then realized what had happened. I laughed. "You were going to say 'what's in your heart' weren't you?" I said through giggles.
Steve smiled. "Yeah. Sorry. I wasn't thinking."
"It's okay." I settled myself down, and stopped laughing. "Look, I shouldn't have snapped at you earlier. I know you didn't mean what you said. I'm sorry."
"You shouldn't have to apologize. You were right. You've been right about it all. What you said earlier... Well, I do still trust you. I've been letting my search for Bucky cloud my judgment. I'm sorry." He said, his eyes meeting mine.
"You know I want you to find him." I said.
He nodded. "I know you do."
"As soon as he wants to be found, I will bring you to him, even if I'm in outer space when that happens." I said.
Steve nodded again, letting his eyes wander back towards the wall. "Can I ask you something?"
I looked at Steve, trying to figure out why he was so serious all the sudden. "Anything."
"Why are you so afraid you're going to hurt someone? And I don't mean just because you are capable of it. That's not the only reason. Something else has been bothering you. You and I know you would never choose to hurt someone, and you don't lose control of your powers to the extent of harming anyone. I've seen you in training. So, what is it that makes you think you would ever do that?" Steve continued looking at the wall, deep in thought.
I felt my eyes begin to water. Leave it to Steve to figure something out that I didn't even want to think about myself.
"Ever since Pietro died, I can't stop thinking about losing someone close to me. I've had a horrible feeling that someone I love is going to die, and considering our line of work, it isn't entirely impossible. I'm terrified of losing you or Pietro, or Nat, or Wanda, or any of the others. You guys mean everything to me." I said.
"Em-" Steve began as I thought about what I would say next.
"Let me finish. I need to say this." I said. "What scares me is that someday I will have to choose between what I should do, and saving one of you. It's my job to keep cosmic order, or at least it will be when I have all the Infinity Stones, which means every choice I make impacts the universe far beyond my immediate concerns. It's something I've been all too aware of since I brought Pietro back.
"It's not like I could change anything now, or worse yet, that I would want to change anything, but bringing him back could have upset the balance somehow. I love you guys, you're my family, and that love will always cloud my judgment. And now that my decisions can have astronomical consequences..." I motioned at the wall.
"I'm not saying I would bring anyone else back, I can't do that. I know that much, but what if we're in battle and I have to make the call. Finish the mission and save the world or save you? I know how it sounds, but... I don't know that I could sit back and watch anyone else get hurt, no matter the consequences."
I hadn't told that to anyone, not even Pietro. It was the thought, deep in my mind that had been haunting me the last few months.
For a long time, Steve didn't say anything. He just stared at the wall, seemingly reading over the names, thinking.
"You'll do the right thing." He said quietly. "If it ever really does come down to that, you'll make the right choice. I know you will."
"I don't know if I want to." I admitted quietly.
A/N: As promised, here is the BONUS chapter!
I hope you like it! Let me know what you think by voting and commenting!
The real conflicts that are going to run throughout this story will start in the next chapter! I can't wait to get into it!
What are you guys looking forward to in this book??
As always, thanks for reading!! <3