"Mani" the Latina said shaking the brown girl that was still asleep on her lap. She almost didn't want to wake her. For one because of how beautiful and peaceful she looked and two she wanted her to stay asleep since she had mentioned not feeling well.
Normani laid for a second longer trying to ignore her but after a few light squeezes to her shoulder she stirred around with a huff.
"Hmmmm" the brown girl groaned groggily, with her eyes still shut feeling Lauren's hand grip her shoulder.
"I have to go, Lucy's waiting for me"
The older girl opened her eyes at the words and lifted up, looking at Lauren. Lucy again? She couldn't even spend the day with Lauren with out hearing her name. Lauren had been here for hours but it still wasn't enough, she wanted her to stay.
She was going to get her to stay.
At this point, even though in person she finally taught herself to play cordial with Lucy, she hated her most. She hated how Lauren would smile at her right in her face. She hated the hugs, the kisses. She hated that Lauren's smile reached her eyes when she smiled at Lucy.
That's how she used to smile at Normani. That's how she did still smile at Normani and that made matters worse. Normani knew just like Lauren did that it was possible to be in love with two people at once. But the brown girl thought the bond her and Lauren had was for more than what Lauren had with Lucy.
She thought that Lauren would be with her, the way it was supposed to be. But it's been three months since that kiss in the hallway.
Three months since Lauren chose to stay with Lucy.
Three months since Lauren asked of Normani the same thing the the brown girl had asked of her once before, to pretend it never happened. But how? How was that possible? How could Normani pretend that having her lips on Lauren didn't feel like everything right happening all at once. How could she pretend that it didn't make her feel whole again? How could she pretend that she didn't want to do it over and over again? How could she pretend that she didn't want Lauren to be hers again?
She's been pretending for these last few months. She's been nice to Lucy, they even hung out once. But she hated it. She hated her. She hated how happy she made Lauren. But contrast to that, the problem is she loved seeing Lauren happy, so if this is what made her happy? If Lucy made her happy, which she did and the brown girl could still make her happy being her best friend then that's what had to happen.
It was so hard.
The Latina gaged her reaction, but it wasnt easy to tell what Normani was feeling.
"Are you feeling better?" Lauren questioned softly as she pulled a piece of lint out of the brown girls hair before running her hand over and fixing a curl.
The older girl responded with just a frown and grabbed around the waist Lauren, shifting herself so that her knees were on the back cushion of the couch and her head was in the latinas chest. Lauren sighed and held her close.
"You're so spoiled" the younger girl murmured, rubbing up and down her arm before kissing over her temple softly.
She was ecstatic that they could do this again. That they had gotten close enough to be this close with out arguing or scared that things could go wrong. It really did seem like she had her best friend back and with Lucy still in her life this was best. It felt like the highschool days all over again. Everyone was happy. Or at least that's what she thought.
"I don't feel good, don't leave me" she whined grabbing her shirt tighter.
Lauren's heart melted. 'Don't leave me'.. she realized that more often recently leaving Normani is all she has been doing. She didn't want to admit it but that was her very own way of coping. She grimaced a little remembering Normanis face the day she told her she loved Lucy.
"I'll stay" Lauren responded softly "You should get in bed, i'll sit up with you until you want me to go"
Normani nodded and stood up making her way to the room. Lauren pulled out her phone and sent a quick text to Lucy saying that she wouldn't be back there as quick as she thought. The bad part is Lucy knew that Lauren was supposed to be spending the day with Normani but they were supposed to be out and about instead of laying around. So Lauren knew that most likely Lucy would be skeptical as to what held her up. But it wasn't Lauren's fault that Normani didn't feel well enough to go out and that she needed her here with her now.
"Do you need anything" Lauren questioned standing in the door way looking at the brown girl snuggled into her blanket.
"No" Normani mumbled rolling over.
Lauren sighed and walked over to the bed sitting herself down by her. She timidly placed a hand over her hip that was covered by the grey blanket.
"You have to tell me what's going wrong so I can help" she is whispered squeezing her bestfriends hip.
"I don't know what's wrong" Normani frowned "I've been feeling like this for a while now"
"What did you eat?"
"Nothing"
"Are you hungry?"
"No"
Lauren huffed and started rubbing over her hip gently, looking down to her. She had her curls sprawled over the pillow gripping it tightly and the blanket up to her neck.
"How exactly do you feel?" The pale girl questioned sounding every bit of concerned.
"Sick" Normani responded.
"Mani" Lauren frowned "How am I supposed to help if you're not telling me anything?"
Normani didn't respond. So lauren sat there as she laid, waiting for her to fall back asleep. After about fifteen her phone buzzed from the dresser. She rolled over facing Lauren and gave her a look telling her it was okay to grab it. The Latina reached for the phone and scoffed at the screen when she saw the name.
"Daddy?" She questioned holding the phone up.
"Oh Quincy.. what does he want?" Normani questioned tiredly.
Lauren looked down at the screen to actually read the text this time "Well, daddy wants to come over" she scoffed.
"Tell him to come"
"What?" Lauren raised her brows, offended "Why?"
"Well.. you won't lay with me"
"No.. no I'll lay with you. You didn't ask" she put the phone the dresser and kicked her shoes off, somewhat eagerly.
"Take your clothes off" Normani murmured looking up at her.
Lauren raised her brows and stood there froze. "I have some clothes in my drawer for you I mean.. I don't want your dirty clothes in my bed" Normani corrected herself eyeing Lauren's reaction.
The Latina smirked playfully "I think you just want me to stay"
"Maybe" Normani teased squinting her eyes "Now come"
"Come? Woah there baby.. when was the last time you made me do that" Lauren smirked.
Normani looked at her and they both burst out in laughter "You're a mess" She responded shaking her head "Don't make me laugh please"
Lauren smiled and climbed in under. Because of where Normani was laying, Lauren was able to lay down completely with out touching her. She laid flat on her back with her hands folded on top of the covers. She looked up at the ceiling, lost in thought.
What was she doing? Why did laying down with Normani feel so bad? If it was as innocent as it was meant to be, her just being there to comfort her best friend, why did she feel so guilty?
She didn't notice that the brown girls eyes were on her. Staring at the side of her face. She took moments like this to look at the real beauty of the Latina. The moments where she was deep
in thought and boy could Lauren think.
That's one of the things that Normani had always loved about her. How passionate she was. How her face could tell what her mind wouldn't speak.
"Do you see this shit mani?!" The sixteen year old Latina yelled laughing at the screen "See this is why my children won't watch this?"
Normani smiled and shook her head, Lauren was so in to this damn show "It's spongebob Lauren, it's a classic. My kids will definitely watch it, its funny. Don't get all deep with it"
"Well in that case my kids will watch it too" Lauren smiled as her face turned a darker shade of red.
"What? Why?" Normani giggled.
"Nothing" Lauren smiled playfully.
Normani raised her brow "You're such a weirdo" she murmured poking the pale girls side.
"I'm your weirdo.. right?" the younger girl grabbed normanis hand from her side and kissed it playfully.
"Ew you flirt" Normani laughed pulling her hand away.
More recently Lauren would joke with the brown girl like this. But Normani had no idea that the things she said and did, she really meant. She never took it too seriously. She never explored the option of Lauren liking her, it was just too weird. They knew each other since they were five. She was oblivious to it all.
Lauren however was hoping that just one day maybe Normani would open up her mind to being with a woman, open her mind to being with her best friend.
"So.. we haven't had one of our talks in a while where you tell me all about your dream wedding and family"
Normanis smile widened, spread across her whole face. She loved talking about the future it was already set in her mind. She had the perfect life set, in chronological order. "Okay well, my wedding will be big of course, like really big. Big and pink -"
"I like big and pink. Well when it's for you. Will I be there?" Lauren questioned interrupting, even though the answer was obvious.
"Um yeah.." the brown girl answered in a duh tone. She paused looking at the tv before looking back at Lauren "I was thinking maybe you could walk me down. I mean I don't have a father and I don't see myself getting a stepfather ever. Do you know how special that would be? I mean it makes sense, you're the person I love most second to my mom, well my husband would be second at this point but yeah" she smiled eyeing Lauren.
Husband? Of course and of course she'll love her husband more than Lauren. Normani didn't know this but the simple things that she would say with such ease would hurt Lauren.
"Me? Walk you down?" Lauren chuckled, trying to hide her frown "how about I wait for you at the alter?" She blinked at her.
"Lauren" Normani frowned "I'm serious, you wouldn't want to?"
The Latina sighed "Yes princess" she spoke sarcastically "I'll walk you down the Aisle if that's what you want me to do. I'll be maid of honor. I'll be a regular bridesmaid. I'll hold your dress as you walk down if that's all you need me to do. I'd do anything for you"
"I know" Normani smiled in a spoiled way "And that's why I love you"
Lauren gasped bringing her hand up to her chest, pretending to be offended "You just use me?"
"Never" Normani smiled poking her nose "You know i'd do anything for you too"
"I know" the Latina smiled "So who's this person that's standing at the alter then? The perfect person?"
"Well he'd be that nice brown skin color, oooh and tall, big and strong so he can hold me" she said wrapping her arms around herself and smiling "Yum... and he'd be gentle and caring and spoil me"
This was how Normani always described her perfect spouse and the look was nothing like Lauren. For one Lauren couldnt be the man that she wanted, the man that she craved. The man that she was trying to use to fill the void of her absent father. Every time she asked Normani who's the type of person she wanted to be with Lauren hoped that one day it would change.
She saw a picture or two of Normanis father and he fit that mold. But he left. He left a little girl and mama drea. He left his family and because of that he didn't deserve them. He didn't deserve for Normani to be trying to find someone like him. She deserved better, far better.
But still Lauren couldn't blame her for wanting someone brown skin. The Latina always thought brown skin was flawless. Especially on Normani. There never was a day that went by when she didn't tell Normani how beautiful both she was and her skin.
But the other attributes Lauren had, she was so loving, caring, and she spoiled the shit out of Normani.
"I see" Lauren nodded "Cute"
"What about you? Your perfect woman?" Normani smiled questioning.
"You" Lauren whispered with a small crooked smile.
The brown girl chuckled and shook her head "I love you Lo"
"I love you more"
Lauren was knocked out of her flash back by Normanis voice "Are you okay?"
She looked over to the brown girl and blinked a few times, feeling emotional. She always had these flashbacks of them together and she didn't know why. She started having them more and more over the last few years of their life. They would happen whenever she was around Normani and something similar to what happened in the flashback was happening present, something that she could remember.
"I'm okay" she whispered, shaking herself out of the trans.
"What are you thinking about?" Normani questioned.
"Go to bed" the pale girl said scooting over and trying to hold Normani but she couldn't make herself to.
Normani turned around so that her back was facing Lauren. They still had a lot of distance between eachother. The Latina had her hand on her shoulder and her other hand behind her own head. The older girl felt the hand on her shoulder shaking and for some reason that still gave her hope.
Once, a few years ago Lauren told Normani that her hands shook whenever she was around because she had this way of making her nervous. After all of these years it still didn't change.
"Lauren" Normani whispered, not looking back. Her eyes were on the wall across the room.
"Yeah?"
She blinked hard and took a breath before murmuring "Can you hold me like you used to?"
"Oh y-yeah.. sure" Lauren responded shakily after a short pause.
She scooted closer so that their bodies were pressed up against each other's. It felt so warm. She moved the curly hair from off of Normanis face and laid her head down burying her face in her neck. She felt the simultaneous sigh of relief that they both let out. Her hand slid under the brown girls shirt and she started rubbing over the clinched abs, like she always did.
"Thank you" Normani whispered scooting back into her even further. Her breath hitched feeling Lauren's hand brush lightly over the bottom of her breasts. She couldn't fit the life of her figure if if Lauren always did this on purpose or if it was an honest mistake.
After a while she shut her eyes and easily she drifted off into a sleep. She wouldn't dare tell Lauren that she's been losing sleep for a long time down. She wouldn't tell her that the last time she got a good night of sleep was the last time she held her like this.
Lauren was always there before everything that happened took place.. Those night when Mama drea would have to work the night shift. Those weekends when she had business trips. Those nights when Normani would have nightmares. All these moments Lauren was there holding her like this.
Lauren woke up in the middle of the night feeling the sudden crave and desire. She couldn't wait any longer. She peeked over at the brown girl who was still sound asleep.
She used her forearm to grab her closer again by her waist, connecting their bodies. She brought her face down into the crook of her neck and Jesus she smelled so good. The brown girl began to shuffle a bit so Lauren lifted her head to look down at her.
"Why are you stiffing me?" Normani whispered tiredly, opening one eye.
Lauren smiled and dipped her head in her shoulder "I'm sorry, go back to sleep"
"You're leaving?" Normani questioned with a frown, now both eyes were open.
"No" the younger girl responded kissing her ear.
After Lauren's response Normani reached back to grab her arm, she shuffled back and Lauren scooted closer. At this moment the pale girl realized why it felt wrong. It felt wrong because it felt so right.
It felt wrong because at any moment if Normani initiated anything she knew she would be able to resist even though she loved Lucy. If Normani turned around and kissed her right now she wouldn't say no. If Normani pulled each item of clothing off of her one at a time, sweet and slow, she would let her.
Not because it was sex and sex felt good, but because it would be sex with Normani and sex with Normani was out of this world special, for many reasons.
The main reason was because of the simple fact that it was Normani and Lauren hated that. She hated how Normani still could affect her this way even though she's been trying to get over her. She needs Normani as her bestfriend because anything other than that proved to be harmful to both of them.
It was ironic that at first it was Normani who was afraid to go down that route together and now it was Lauren. No matter how much she did truly want to be with Normani she was afraid that it wouldn't work out yet again and they would go through the whole falling out again. What if they tried again and this time something worse would happen? What if one did something that the other just truly couldn't forgive and it ruined them forever. Those were the thoughts that ran through Lauren's head often, that's why she chose Lucy.
Once figured that the brown girl had fallen into a deep enough sleep she eased away, trying to be sure not to wake her. She looked back and saw that Dinah had made it back so she assumed ally was back as well in her room. She stood up and slipped her clothes on before easing out of the room.
Normani wasn't really all of the way sleep, so she felt Lauren get up and leave. She couldn't go back to sleep so she got up to see if Lauren was still there, why would she leave at two am anyway?
She walked out and saw that the front door was slightly open. Once she opened it she saw Lauren jump and throw something on the ground beside them and step on it.
"Shit.. you scared me" she said bringing a hand up to her chest.
"What was that?" Normani questioned raising a brow.
"Nothing, why are you awake?"
The brown girl sniffed a little and then leaned in and sniffed Lauren "You're smoking?!"
She reached in the Latinas pockets feeling for something. "Stop, get out of my pockets" Lauren protested trying to fight her off but she found them.
"Cigarettes?" Normani scolded her holding them up "Wha -what the hell? Why are you smoking? When did this happen?"
Lauren sighed and ran her hands through her hair "A while ago"
"How long is a while Lauren? You've been hiding this from me?"
"A few months, I don't know it just happened. Lucy just -"
"Lucy?" Normani scoffed "Don't tell me she's the one that got you smoking and give me all the more reason to hate that bitch"
Lauren stepped back and leaned on the brick wall on the outside of the building. She didn't know what to say.
"You don't see how manipulative she is?" The brown girl questioned softening her voice "You're so different now.. you don't see that she's changing you?"
"I'm not different" Lauren spoke glaring at her.
Normani scoffed "Yes, you are Lauren"
"Well I guess people fucking grow up Normani. I'm not five year old Lauren, I'm not fifteen, not eighteen.. I'm twenty-one"
"Well I don't prefer this Lauren"
"Well that's just too bad princess" the Latina spoke sarcastically along with a sarcastic smile "Now isn't it?"
The brown girl looked at Lauren as if she lost her mind before giving her an 'okay you got it nod'. "These.. this" she held up the pack of cigarettes and shook them "Its not happening around me. You're not killing yourself on my watch"
She threw the pack as far as she could go before walking inside and slamming the door, being sure to lock it.
"Open the door" Lauren said knocking.
"GO HOME"
The Latina laughed a little, just imagining how Normani looked on the other side. She was almost certain that she had her arms folded and her lip pouted.
"I'm sorry, open.. it's colddd" she whined slapping on the door.
After a while the brown girl opened the door standing there just like Lauren had imagined.
"I don't want you smoking Lauren, you have to stop"
"I mean yeah.. if you care that much. I'll try, it's not like I'm addicted or anything. I don't need them" the Latina murmured stepping inside and taking off her jacket.
"You'll try? Try to see your way back up out of here then"
"Stop it Mani, I'm serious"
Instead of responding the brown girl rolled her eyes and made her way back to the room. Lauren took her shoes off and walked in as well. When she got in Normani was laid with her arms and legs both spread, clearly purposely to not give Lauren room.
"Scoot over" she whispered nudging her.
"My bed is full"
"Funny, first you wanted me to lay with you and now.." her voice trailed off as she tried to squeeze on the little part that had space on the bed.
"Move" Normani whispered harshly, trying to still be mad "It's too late for this"
Lauren laughed quietly and reached over grabbing on to the sheets behind the brown girl. If Normani pushed her off they both were going down.
"Stop, you're going to wake Dinah up" Normani giggled as Lauren wrapped her legs around hers "oh my god"
"Well scoot over" Lauren whispered holding on for dear life.
Normani mushed her sending her to the ground with a thump. She didn't mean to push that hard so she gasped and tried to grab her but it didn't work.
"Fuccccccck" Lauren whispered squeezing her cheeks together and holding her hand over them. Normani was snickering from above in the bed. "What the... hell did I fall on?" She said chuckling and pulling a book from under her butt.
"I'm guessing you don't do your school work" she said holding the text book up.
"No that's what I had you for, now be quiet. Come on"
"I knew you couldn't stay mad at me" Lauren whispered with a smile climbing back into the bed.
"Shut up" Normani whispered snuggling back into her front ways this time.
"I care about you Lauren" she continued, brushing her nose over the Latinas neck.
"Are you sniffing me?" Lauren teased.
"Yes and you fucking stink" she laughed "You smell like smoke"
"I'll stop mani" Lauren whispered after a sigh.
"Please" the brown girl responded softly. After her uncle died of cancer when she was a little girl and she saw what her mother went through. It scarred her. To her, because of what little Normani saw cancer was a monster.
Of course cancer could come from anything, but in that list included cigarettes and she always thought people were so stupid for putting themselves at risk when they didn't have to be.
//
Two days had past and Lauren found herself at Normanis apartment once again, this time under different circumstances.
"What? What is it?" Lauren questioned looking at the brown girl who was pacing back and forth gnawing on her nail.
Normani was clearly distraught. She had to tell her. There was no easy way to do it. But she needed Lauren in the moment.
"I'm pregnant"
After hearing the words the Latinas face dropped, her world fell. She knew Normani had news because of the how shaky her voice on the phone. But she had no idea it would be this.
She stood there for a few moments trying to register if what she had heard was actually what Normani said. It's couldn't be. This is not how it's supposed to be.She felt like someone took her heart out if her chest and crushed it.
"MANI" she cried as a whisper, with her voice cracking and her eyes watering.
Her whole world shattered. This couldn't be true. This couldn't be happening. How could her baby be having a baby?
I didn't make sense. It didn't seem possible. "Wha -what? Your pre- ... how?"
Normani and her were supposed to have babies. She felt the walls caving in, it was harder to breathe.
"How?" She whispered.
"I don't know.." Normani shook her head as her eyes now started to water "I just need your support, please"
"What am I supposed to say Normani? Am I supposed to be fucking happy for you?!" Lauren yelled after a scoff, it was getting harder to hold the tears in.
"What right do you have to be angry Lauren?!"
"I have every right! We were supposed to..." her voice trailed off as she bit her shaky bottom lip "How are you going to have a baby mani?" She whispered after a pause, letting out a sigh.
"I'm not"
"What?" Lauren raised her brows.
"I'm.. not keeping it" After words escaped her mouth she broke down in sobs and tears.
Lauren sighed and walked over to her wrapping her arms around her. The brown girl grabbed on to her shirt still sobbing uncontrollably. She didn't want to have an abortion but she felt she had no other option.
"I'm sorry" the pale girl murmured running her hand up and down her arm as she held her close "I'm sorry for yelling. I'm here for you.. Shhh"
Lauren had no idea how long they were sitting for as Normani cried, but she didn't mind. Sh didn't know that to feel about all of this. She knew Normani was not ready for a baby but she still felt bad that Normani mentioning abortion made her feel better.
After the sobs died down to whimpers and then sniffles Lauren pulled her out of her hold "You know whatever you do everything is going to be okay. Seriously you're so fucking strong. All this shit that you went through recently and over your whole life, you can get through this" she sighed and shook her head before looking back into Normanis eyes "As your best friend I'm here, I promise to be here through everything"
"I -I don't want to do it Lauren. But I'm not ready.. at all. How am I going to start my life as a professional dancer in California with a child, alone? I'm mean you'll be there but... I didn't even tell him and I don't want to" she wiped a tear "This was not supposed to happen.. I'm not ready Lauren"
"Who's the father?"
The brown girl scooted back on the chair away from Lauren and looked down at her fingers playing with them. Lauren scooter closer and grabbed her hands "Who? Please don't tell me..." her voice faded of with a frown.
"Trevor" the brown girl murmured and Lauren frowned even more "I'm almost sure it's him"
Almost sure?
"What?!" Lauren raised her brows trying not to judge.
"After we had sex he wasn't the only one afterwards" she frowned "but we were drunk and he didn't wear a conform. I took the morning after pill... I just -" she murmured on but Lauren cut her off.
"Who else?" Lauren questioned nervously.
"Quincy or..."
"Jesus mani.." Lauren grunted running her hands through her hair, before circling her palms over her forehead clearly stressed "Wh-why are you sleeping with all these people, Mani? This isn't you"
"Lauren I need somebody" Normani answered back as her voice cracked. She shook her head and sat back feeling more tears escape her eyes.
"I don't have a father, my mom was barely there. You were there Lauren, always.. a -and now you're not" she wiped a tear "So yes like you said that day in the restaurant, I'm filling a void and it's you.. you made me need you and now you're gone"
Lauren blinked at her hearing every word she said.
"I'm here" she whispered at the brown girl.
"Not the way I need you"
"You... pushed me away" Lauren shook her head "You told me you didn't want me in that way, you convinced me we weren't right in that way. Jesus, you're so confusing"
"I'm not trying to be" Normani whined.
The was a long pause in the conversation as neither one of them spoke. Neither one knew what to say. Lauren sat rubbing her hands over her thighs and Normani just wiped the access tears away.
The Latina sighed and finally looked to Normani "Did you tell anyone other than me?"
"Dinah.. she went to the hospital with me when we were trying to figure out what was wrong. I wish she didn't know, she runs her mouth too much"
"When did you go?"
"Yesterday"
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"It's not like this is easy to tell" Normani frowned "I cried all fucking night, all morning"
"I would have held you Mani, shit.." Lauren sighed running her hands though her hair, this was too much "I would have been there. Call me Normani, anytime. I will be here..anytime. I need you to know that"
The brown girl nodded. Lauren was this angry and Normani only waited a day to tell her.
"How many weeks are you?" She questioned timidly, she didn't know the boundaries of questions like this since Normani was getting an abortion.
"12 weeks" the brown girl murmured, ashamed.
The Latina gasped after doing the math of twelve weeks. That was around New Years. She could have stopped this. She could have saved Normani all of this pain that she was about to endeavor, physically and emotionally if she just stopped her that night.
She didn't know exactly how many people Normani was or is sleeping with but for some reason she believe that it was Trevor who got Normani pregnant and she hated him ten times more now. She wanted to kill him.
Normanis phone rung from the coffee table and she cringed seeing the name. This could not be happening. She reached to grab it and after a deep breath she hit talk.
"Hello?"
"Welcome to the family Bitchhhhhhhh aaaaah!"
"ZENDAYA" Normani yelled, both in shock and angrily "Please, I need you to stop" she whined feeling the tears build in her eyes again.
"Wait what's wrong?" The mixed girl questioned with a soft voice full of concern.
Before Normani even thought to answer the question she hit end and flung the phone across the room "Dinah fucking told her!" She cried letting the tears stream down her face.
"Calm down.. look at me" Lauren spoke "Look at me. Fuck them" she grabbed her face forcing Normani to finally open her eyes, she looked so defeated "This is your decision, this is your body, this is your life. If the whole fucking world turns against you, im going to be here. What ever you do" she used her thumb to wipe the tears.
Her own lip started quivering as suddenly speaking became hard to do because of what she was about to say, it hurt. "If you decide to keep it... I'll buy every single diaper, I'll buy the pacifiers, the wipes. I'll change pampers. Because I love you" she whispered pressing their foreheads together.
"If you decide not to, I'll hold your hand through it all. You know I would" she looked back up and whispered with her hands still tight around Normanis face and her eyes scanning it entirely, she hated seeing her like this.
Normani nodded still looking down, even though Lauren was right there centimeters away she couldn't look at her. She felt both ashamed and disgusted in herself. Laurens hands lifted her head slightly and with in moments she felt the latinas lips on her chin, a soft quick peck.
The brown girl opened her eyes looking to her and couldn't help the small crooked smile that washed over her face.
"There it is" Lauren whispered with a smile "The most beautiful smile in the world"
Normani smiled even more, rolling her eyes before pointing to her chin again and Lauren did her the pleasure of kissing it softly again. She pointed to her cheek this time and Lauren kissed it after a playful scoff at Normanis spoiledness.
The brown girl pointed to her other cheek, her forehead and her nose and got a small peck for each as she giggled in Lauren's hold. The Latina always knew what to do to make her better. There was no way simple kisses would fix this, but in the moment itnumbed the pain. It made Normani forget about the shit she has been going through. From breaking her leg all the way to this, she just couldn't catch a break.
//
Lauren's POV:
Normani got the abortion yesterday. She cried the whole way there. She's so strong, seeing her cry, seeing her go through things like this is so hard. It's scary.
We're growing up and this cruel world is breaking us, we haven't even reached age twenty-two yet. What's next? How does it get worse than this?
She's still in the hospital because since she waited after the nine week mark to get it she needed more doses of the medicine, Misoprostol, to help carry the procedure.
They didn't let me in to be with her and still I remember her face when they guided her to the room. She looked like she needed me. She needed me to be strong for her, to be super fit her.
No matter how much I didn't want to see it, how much I didn't want to see the pain on her face as it happened.. I wanted to hold her hand. I wanted to be there. I wanted to kiss her forehead and tell her that everything would be okay.
But honestly would everything even be okay? Would things be the same? Would she go back to her normal life or would something like this scar her forever?
She didn't tell anyone, so for all we know me, Dinah and zendaya are the only ones that know. Ally doesn't, she didn't even tell Mama drea. How is it going to be holding a secret like this from your mother your whole life?
How is it going to be knowing that she killed her mothers first grandchild, her first baby.
After the procedure was over and they finally let me in. I remember so vividly her face. She looked tired, defeated. She looked hurt, pained, disgusted. It was far worse than how she looked after breaking her leg. This pain was far worse.
How easy is it to move on from this?
I remember when I sat by her on the bed almost afraid to touch her, she looked at me and whispered "Please tell me I'm not a bad person Lauren"
I almost broke down into tears. She isn't a bad person. She's the best person, the most kind, carefree, gentle, loving, beautiful person who deserves none of this.
I'm not sure if she told Dinah and Zendaya that she was getting an abortion yet and I don't blame her. I can only imagine how hard it is to do. And the fact that those two were jumping around like it was a party when they found out only makes it harder.
I unlocked the front door to my apartment that I still share with Lucy and my roommates be plopped in the couch. I had just finished dropping Normani back to her place and the last thing she told me was that she wanted to be alone.
"Lo.. is that you?" I heard Lucy call from the back.
"Mhmmm" I groaned taking my shoes off. I'm beyond tired, physically and emotionally. These last few weeks have been something.
I realized that I've been spending less and less time with Lucy and Normani has been taking the majority of my time again. But I love it, I love that I can see my best friend whenever I want with out having to worry about hiding it from Lucy.
I pulled out a cigarette and a lighter from my pocket and walked over to our balcony. I lit it looking down to my bare feet on the cool concrete, wondering why I chose to take my shoes off before coming out here.
After the first intake of it I heard a familiar voice in my head. "I don't want you smoking Lauren, you have to stop"
I sighed and dug it into the railing putting it out. Before leaning my elbows on the railing and resting my head in my hands.
"You can't come speak?" I heard a voice question after the balcony door opened.
"Sorry" I whispered looking back a her.
"Where were you last night and this morning?" She questioned looking me in the eyes.
"Why does it matter? I'm here now" I spoke going to sit on the chair we had placed out there.
She came and sat on the chair beside me "Do you have anymore cigarettes?"
"Here take them" I husked grabbing the whole pack out and throwing them to her.
"What's wrong with you?" She raised her brows "I hate when you act like this"
"Nothing, I'm fine" I shook my head.
"Okay so tell me where you were last night.. are you cheating on me?"
"Lucy please.. I am not in the mood. No I am not cheating on you. And I would really appreciate if you didn't ask that again"
She scoffed "Well it's not like you didn't before"
"And it's not like you didn't before, but you don't see me down your throat about it"
"Okay Lauren.." she nodded, taking a puff "Don't make me keep you away from her and all of these other hoes again, like I did before"
I looked at her scrunching up my face. She doesn't even look like the same person anymore. She's getting less attractive, something about her is changing. I'm starting to get fed up with the way she talks to me.
I squint a little more looking in and Normani was right, she does look like a sloth.
"Hello.. Are you listening?" She snapped her fingers in my face "I'm the best you'll ever get Lauren, so get your shit together and treat me like you have some freaking sense before I leave"
After she said those words, I heard the voice in my head again. "You don't see how manipulative she is? You're so different now.. you don't see that she's changing you?"
I realize that she is an evil bitch. She's been controlling me for two years at this point. Blocking me out from the world, telling me just how perfect she is and that I don't deserve her.
At first it was good and that's what made me love her. She built me up, told me I was beautiful, made me laugh. But she also told me how bad Normani was. She would bring up all the bad things Normani did and tell them into my ear in her own way making them saying worse. Even though she had no idea truly. And I believed her, I fucking believed her.
I allowed her to let Normani and I drift away. What the fuck am I doing here? I deserve better.
"Leave.." I spoke softly glaring at her.
"What?" She questioned with her brow raised.
"If I'm so bad, if I don't deserve you. If you're too good for me.. leave. I'm tired"
"Lauren" she whined looking at me, I see her eyes getting glossy. She probably couldn't believe how calm my reaction was. But when you're tired of being tired, it gets easy to let go.
"You have been controlling me for years now, you manipulative bitch" I hissed through my teeth "You let me fall in love with you even though you didn't love me. I still don't even think you do. You're trying to change me into someone that you want to love and I'm not letting you any more. You're draining me Lucy"
She blinked and sent tears down her cheeks "No.. I do love you"
"No you don't! You love what you're trying to create" I sighed and ran my hands over my jeans "I'll have my shit out by the end of the week"
"No! No Lauren, baby" she whined putting the cigarette outside grabbing my arm "What about California, I thought I was coming with you once we graduate? I already applied for internships. You can't.. I'm sorry. I didn't mean those things"
"How don't you mean things that you've been telling me since forever?! I don't care.. you can go to California but you're not coming with me. I'll be with Normani Kordei Hamilton" I husked standing up from the chair.
"I knew it. That bitch. Fuck you and fuck her!" She yelled standing up and pointing her fingers in my face.
I mushed her hand away and chuckled lightly at her audacity, before going back into the house. She followed me in and grabbed my arm.
"Lucy get off of me!" I yelled pulling my arm out if her hold "I'm trying so hard not to hit you right now"
"Woah woah woah" my third roommate Jamie said running from the back "What the hell is going on?"
"Nothing" I grunted and grabbed my shoes and keys "I'm leaving"
"I'm changing the locks!" Was the last thing I heard before the door slammed.
After walking down the apartment hall a little I stopped to put my shoes on. I couldn't see clearly out if my eyes, it was all a blur because of the tears forming.
I slouched down all the way and brought my knees up to my chest with my back against the wall, sobbing. Rocking back and forth.
I am different, she did change me. I let her.
What is wrong with me?
A/N:
I'm sooooooo sorry for taking so long to update😩 still love me please.
It's gon get better😊
Vote and comment please for the next chapter😘