It's the first thought in his head when he wakes up, a sting in his stomach making him hiss before he can even open his eyes.
'Don't go'.
His fingers involuntarily tighten around Axls bare hip as he carefully presses against him from behind. Judged by Axls slow, steady breaths he's sleeping still so he tries desperately to not wake him as he strokes over his back with his nose, his whole face against Axls warm, soft skin, trying to choke on his scent.
A low whine leaves his mouth and he can't help but wrap both arms tightly around Axls chest, having him in a strong grip pressed against his body.
"Slash...", Axl whispers, sounding more awake than, sleepy, but Slash just tries to ignore that fact, "don't squeeze me like that...you making it hard to breath..."
But Slash just shakes his head, mumbling against Axls back. "No. I don't care..."
"Let me go..."
"No." He shakes his head again fiercely this time, not caring if it's stubborn and childish, his sleepiness making him brave. Axl sighs, but then lays his hand to Slashs arms, relaxing against him, making Slash loosen his grip slightly. "Better...".
It's lingering in the air - the 'I have to go'. But no ones dares to speak it out loud, both trying to ignore the fact that it's already 2 in the afternoon. The red, glowing numbers on Slash alarm are way too visible though and Slash knows Axl is staring at them. "Don't look at it..."
"At what?"
"The fuckin' time..."
"You're childish."
"I'm younger than you."
"Slash I have to go. Judy will be worried."
"Call her."
"I...do you...even have a phone?"
"Sure. Under the bed. Your side."
"Ok...but-"
"You said you don't want to leave yesterday."
"Yes and then I said 'just a few more minutes'..."
"You stayed the night instead."
"Yeah...you dumb fuck..."
"Axl...I don't wanna...it's just...please..."
"Please what."
"Please stay."
Slash hates the slightly desperate tone in his own voice as he answers, but he is way past caring. It's too late anyway.
"Why?"
"Why what?! Why what, you fuckin' asshole. What do you think?!"
Axl stiffens slightly, then swallows audibly, his hand leaving Slashs arm. "I told you...to not...not..."
"Not what?"
"To not fall in love with me...you...have...you?"
Slash says nothing. Nothing, but just listenes to his own fastened heartbeat. Simply because he doesn't know what it feels like and he doesn't even know what he feels.
Then Axl grabs for the phone suddenly, searching under the bed and peeling himself out of Slashs grip. He sits up, getting the cable into the outlet beside the bed. Then he puts the phone on his lap, starting to type, the ratternd sound of the dial loud with the unresponded question still in both their heads. Slash listens to the ringing, watching Axl bite his lips, before he starts talking.
"It's me...yeah calm down, baby, I'm fine...yes..."
He grimaces slightly.
"Goddamit, yes...got pretty late...no...yeah...no...no...what the fuck, no! I haven't, I'm n-...no I'm not...", he stops then, looking panicked, then mouthing a "Where am I?" towards Slash, "I'll be coming home soon...At a friends...no, I'm with no other girl...as said, damn, no other fuckin' girl...fuck...I'm at Slash's..." A few more grimaces, a tired sounding, "Yeah at rehearsal...", a yelled "Then don't you crazy bitch!" and Axl throws the phone on the floor with full force, before burying his face to the pillow with a low growl.
Slash just sits there, watching him, before hesistantly reaching out to poke Axls shoulder, but he slaps his hand away. "We'll meet her at rehearsal."
"Axl?"
"Hm..." Slash almost chokes on his own tongue, but he spits the question out anyway, too quickly spoken, too quiet. "Why her?"
"What?!"
"You heard me..."
"I...uh..."
"You love her?"
"Dunno..."
"Ok..."
Axl sits up, looking in his face angrily. "Well obviously I cheated on her, right?!"
"Hm...", Slash shrugs his shoulders, really not knowing what to answer to that.
"She asked me if I fucked another girl. I said no."
"Well...you haven't..."
"Yeah but I goddamn fucked y- oh, goddamit, I don't fuckin' know." Axl buries his face in both hands, rubbing his eyes, but allows Slash to rob forward and lay his head to his lap. He brushes fingers through Slashs hair slowly after a while as they sit in silence and Slash rubs his nose against Axl skin again, both arms wrapped around his thigh tightly.
"You're like a fuckin' octopus today..."
"Huh?"
"Clinging to me with those tentacles-" and he gives a bunch of painfully hard pokes to Slashs arms, making Slash laugh and wriggle. "Stop it, asshole!"
Axl doesn't stop, but starts a low singsang. "Slash's a clingy bastard, clingy, clingy, clingy!!!", until Slash gives a hard punch to Axls belly, making him cough but laugh. "Fuck you!"
"Axl?"
"Yeah?"
"You wan't pizza?"
"Yes!"
"Good. Lets go and get some."
---
Judy's eyes are piercing through Slashs skin. Every look, every word Slash shares with Axl gets her brows furrowing further, her pretty features in a grimace of hate and disgust. She screamt at Axl first, turning her face away everytime he tried to kiss her, but in the end he sweet talked her into forgiving him for not coming home and Slash had to watch them sucking face on the couch before it was time to start rehearsing.
She kept on just looking then, pouting, playing with her hair and Slash couldn't hide the slight amusement as he watched her trying to get Axls attention what really wasn't working.
Now that they are done she's still sitting there, while everybody is outside smoking and Slash finds himself all alone with her when he walks in again first. A quiet smile, then he just ignores her, starting to tune his guitar, until her soft voice breaks the uncomfortable silence. "Slash?"
"Hm?", he looks up, desperately trying to not sound pissed.
"Why did Axl slept at your place yesterday?"
"Uh, why not? He used to live at my place for almost five full months, remember?"
"Yes. But not anymore. I was worried."
Slash watches her pouting slightly, silently wondering how he could have thought of her as a sweet girl in the beginning as for now he can't see something different than a huge attention whore. Slash just shrugs his shoulders, not interested in a fuckin' conversation, but Judy seems to not be done. "Have you been high?"
"What?" He keeps on tuning, not even bothering to look at her.
"Have you been high?"
"Why?"
"Just asking..."
"Ok..."
"Have you?"
Now he looks up, rolling his eyes. "Drunk, high, whatever, I don't fuckin' know."
She crosses her arms in front of her chest, squeezing her boobs in between them. "You don't have to yell at me."
"I'm not yelling, girl."
"Why didn't he come home, Slash? Tell me the truth."
"Talk to him goddammit."
"You're an asshole." Slash turns around at that, slowly loosing his composure.
"Am I yeah? Well, I don't fuckin' care what you think, sweety."
"I'm not your sweety."
"Thank god."
"Stay away from him!"
"What?!"
"You heard me."
"And you think you can just tell me what to do? Aw."
"He's MY boyfriend."
"What do you want from me Judy?"
"Stop looking at him like you do."
"Like what? What ya' wanna say?"
"You know pretty well, what I wanna say!" Now her voice is highpitched as she throws her long blond curls to her back.
"Do I?"
"Yes! I'm not fuckin' stupid."
"Oh, not?"
"I saw you kissing!"
Slashs heart is racing, adrenaline shooting through his body, an exciting, anger fueling poison that makes him wanna spit in her stupid face. "Yeah, guess what, wasn't the fuckin' first time."
He knows she should stop the talking now, but Judy's shocked expression fills him with bitter satisfaction, so he just continues. "You want the truth, yeah? Ya' wanna know why he didn't come home yesterday?!"
"I-"
"Oh, I can tell you!", and he approaches her slowly, stroking hair from his face to be able to look at her fully, "Cause' I had him pressed against the goddamn' wall, moaning my fuckin' name and not giving a shit about you."
Not entirely the truth, but he just wants to hurt her and judged by her wide eyed, horrofied expression it seems to work.
"You fuckin' fag!", she spits out then, her voice nearly breaking as she's about to start crying. Slash lets out a short, barking laugh. "Yeah, seems like your boyfriend is a fuckin' fag! No wonder, cause' you're just a stupid, whiny bitch! Nobody would want you."
There are really tears in her eyes now, but Slash just can't stop. "Let me tell you something: I fucked him and he loved it."
She opens her mouth, staring at him. "You're lying!"
"Am I?! Want me to tell you how he sounded when he came?! Cause' he came fuckin' hard."
Her bottom lip is trembling as she desperately tries to blink the tears away, but Slash just gives her a sarcastic smile, before heading for the door again. She finally finds the strength to actually say something then. "It means fuckin' nothing!"
She suddenly stands up then, her face flushed with anger as she points a finger at him. "It means nothing!"
"Think what you want."
"He never wanted you, Slash!"
"Whatever."
But the realization comes with a hard clenching of his stomach, his throat suddenly feeling too tight as he's almost choking on his own breath. He doesn't even know which realization it is exactly- it's just the certainty that something is terribly wrong, that something isn't right how it is and it fuckin' hurts, making his chest sting and his head spin with a down pulling feeling of hopelessness.
"Maybe he kissed you, maybe he fucked you, but that's all you'll ever get from him!"
She's standing in front of him now, her small fists clenched, her voice dull in his head as if from far away.
"Did he ever tell you how beautiful you are to him?!"
No.
"Did he ever hold your hand in public?"
No.
"Did he hold you when you cried? Whispered in your ear how much he loves you before he felt asleep? Did he?! Tell me, Slash!"
The change comes suddenly, overwhelmingly, every self- confidence melting into strong, omnidirectional, dull pain. It feels like despair, but less frantic, cause' the truth is so clear, so unchangeable. He looks to the side, his hands trembling, sweaty as he whispers a low "No", more to himself than to her, but she hears it and she grins and continues.
"Yes! Because he never wanted you!"
"Shut up..."
"-He fucked you and dropped you for me like a goddamn piece of trash!"
"Shut up you cunt!"
"He doesn't want you! And he never will! Do you get that?!"
The tears come as a hot, burning sting that fills his eyes and he just throws his guitar to the ground with a deafening bang, the strings swinging in painful sounding tones, making Judy jerk before he turns around and outside, passing the others. He doesn't even really hear them as he starts running, hot tears streaming down his face, low sobs leaving his mouth.
"Eh where ya' going?"
"Slash! What the fuck?!"
Fuck them.
Fuck them all.
He just wants to scream and run and run and run until his legs start hurting and the physical pain it only fueling the feeling of helplessness.
They can all fuck off.
Everyone can fuck off and die.
Judy can die and Rob can die and Axl can die and everybody on the whole fuckin' planet and all that simply because Axl never wanted him.
When he arrives at his grandmas house he hesitates at first, cause he doesn't want to settle, doesn't want to accept that he's crying over a girls angry words, but he is sobbing like a maniac and his grandma is in the frontyard, cutting bushes. She turns around after just a few seconds, seeing him standing there in front of the garden, unsure, helpless, crying and before he can decide for anything she's at his side, pulling him in a tight embrace, starting to stroke his hair and he just looses it even more, sniffing and sobbing loudly as he presses his face to her shoulder, feeling like a small child.
She doesn't ask what's wrong, she doesn't try to shush him or tell him to stop the crying.
She's just standing there with him, holding him close while he starts trembling and grabbing the cloth of her dress tightly.