Chapter Two: How to survive a shopping trip with the ladies
So you get dragged off by the ladies to go on a shopping trip with them. All guys should have experienced this by now, the agonizing pain of going from shop to fucking shop looking at the same things over and over again for hours and hours. And by the end of the day of walking and walking they haven’t bought a single fucking piece of clothing, ever experienced that kind of pain? Well we have, a lot. So here’s our little survival guide on shopping with girls. And again with the warning that this applies to us and our past experiences! Not all girls are like this and be cautious when trying these tip!
[DON’T]
Ever get dragged into the ladies underwear section:
Okay this is just hell for any guy if you get dragged into there with either your; sister, mum, gran or any female family member. It’s awkward and just plain gross, sure it’s okay to be dragged in there if it’s your girlfriend because that way you can pick her lingerie for her [huge bonus for you] but if it’s not your girlfriend just never even go there. For multiple different reasons too, the worst that could happen is that they try it on and take forever in the dressing rooms, meaning your left standing outside with a bunch of nanny pants and mummy bras in your arms, completely vulnerable to the passing eyes of mates who may be walking past. This actually happened once to our bro James, at Trade Secret- yes TRADE Secret NOT Victoria’s Secret. Shopping with his mother and sister and he was standing outside holding pairs and pairs of Bonds underwear, we took a picture and now we use it as blackmail, lucky he didn’t see us or else he would have run us over with his motorcycle. So simple tip, just avoid going in there, unless you’ve got your girlfriend with you don’t, because that’s just a no-go.
Remember there is an exception to this one, if you have a girlfriend and she drags you into Victoria’s Secret or another lingerie store, do go in with her. She may model a few things for you, and she may even let you pick her lingerie for her, which is just a huge bonus for you next time you get it on!
[DO]
Wear comfortable clothing and bring appropriate supplies:
Okay this one is pretty damn simple we must admit. Do NOT we repeat DO NOT, go shopping with women wearing clothing that could possibly chafe, suffocate, or is uncomfortable. Do not for christ’s sake go shopping wearing fucking woolen jumpers and tight ass jeans because we can promise you now that your legs will be purple by the end of the day and you will be sweating like Ryan does when he watches the sex scenes in chick-flicks. Also do not make the mistake of tightening up your converse high-top laces because you’ll be regretting it a lot and also find a nice purple line on your lower leg from where you tightened too much. Trust us this has happened a lot! We also recommend investing in a trolley; you know those coloured ones that old people bring to the shops and markets, yeah those. You’ll be saving your fingers the pain of ‘plastic suffocation’ or in its scientific name 'painus in the fingerus from plasticus bagus' in which the carrying of too many plastic bags in one hand can result in a very purple looking hand and or finger joints, after which the numbness will linger for a few hours to a few days. Also we recommend bringing either a phone, iPod, or download some good games and apps on your phone/iPod and you should be okay for the day.
[DON’T]
Tell them what you honestly think:
This applies to any and every woman you go shopping with; mum, aunt, gran, sister, and girlfriend. You walk into a store, she starts walking around looking through the clothing racks and the shelves and you find yourself a nice man-seat. She finds something ‘nice’ and tells you she’s going to go and try it on, she comes out and flaunts it for you, and what do you say? Just smile and keep calm, if she looks absolutely hideous in it, don’t say a word, because if your girl likes it the quicker the trip will be over. Then sometimes there’s that compromising stitch where they hold up two different sets of clothes and ask which one looks better, that’s when you’re in trouble. This situation is an exception if there’s a clear winner; pick the other one because chances are said lady will pick the opposite one to the one you said looked nice. Trust us this logic actually works, it’s like they don’t trust our goddamn opinions; why the fuck would you ask if you’re just going pick the other one anyway? Ladies and their stupid logic huh, we swear the makeup gets to them!
[DO]
Keep your answers short:
When your woman asks you a straight up question which requires a straight up answer, we recommend keeping your answer short and straight to the point, that way she won’t have anything to analyse in what you’re saying? You know how the ladies do that? Analyse what every little word you say could mean, when really what we say is what we mean in the first place. So to save yourself the ‘what are you trying to say? That I’m fat?’ look, just keep it short and sharp….simple right? WRONG. You have to be perfect in executing your answer too, if you show any hesitation on your voice or in your voice, you’re screwed. If she asks if her butt looks big in something, just give her a straight up ‘no’, show any hesitation or indecision and we’re back to scanning the clothing racks and shelves for something that doesn’t make her butt look big.
[DON’T]
Show weakness:
NEVER EVER EVER SHOW WEAKNESS WHEN SHOPPING WITH WOMEN!! If you’re getting tired and your feet are aching, your back is sore, your fingers are numb and your stomach is rumbling like a hungry beast, just suck it up and stay quiet. You show the slightest amount of weakness and they’ll gain satisfaction from it, and yes that may mean shopping for an even longer time just to see you suffer. Just man up and grow a goddamn pair-if you haven’t already- and endure the rest of the shopping trip, the less she sees you suffer, the faster it can be over with. If you’re getting pissed at the constant shop-hopping then just suck it up.
[DO]
Distribute the pain:
Nothing is worse than enduring a whole day shopping trip alone. So our tip is to ring up a mate who has a girl and make your two women ‘bond’ by shopping, that way you aren’t suffering alone and your girl has someone else to bombard with questions, a lot of the time this also means you can sneakily leave the premises with said mate and go to the nearest bar or games shop/sports shop. Or better yet do what we did and fake being sick and go to the nearest Maccas* and pig out. *Maccas = McDonalds
[DON’T]
Say these phrases:
“You’ve already got one like that in your closet/wardrobe” – suicide just plain suicide, because now by saying this, she’ll be drawing up a mental image in her head of her wardrobe and checking if she does, which can take forever, and once done if she does then she’ll just put the damn thing back and look for something else, if you want to leave quickly don’t say it.
“Just pick one” – don’t do this unless you want to spend more time holding bags or irritating her. She’ll sense your irritated and bored and take an unnecessary amount of time picking another one, and continuously asking if you like it or not.
“Can we go?” OR “I’ve had enough”– just don’t for do many reasons, because she will just keep on shopping, and remembering to buy things she hasn’t bought yet.
We have proven that when using these phrases these things actually happen. Of course if you don’t believe us go out and test those with your woman…..don’t say we didn’t warn you though!
[DON’T]
Flirt with the sales girl:
I’m pretty sure this one is self-explanatory but then again there are some clueless people out there so we’ll explain. You walk into a shop with your girlfriend/relative/friend, and bam a hot sales assistant comes up and asks if you need help. As tempting as it is to simply flirt with her, for the love of god and everything holy don’t go there. Especially if you’re with your girlfriend, even though she may be looking away she has eyes on the back of her head, and super hearing, so unless you want to make a scene and get your ass dumped don’t flirt. This also applies to the mother and the sister and the friend, they’ll give you a lecture on ‘treating girls nicely’ or ‘that’s not how I raised my boy’. Mother long gone are the diaper days! However don’t talk back if they scold you either, this results in you being dragged out of the shop by the ear, and/or being clawed on your arm which then results in a sharp stinging sensation and a gnarly scar.
[DO]
Suffer in silence:
Just do it! Don’t bother arguing with the woman or pushing her buttons, don’t bother challenging her choices either, just practice your best ‘I’m awake and listening’ expression and smile to everything she says. We also recommend practicing your zoning out skills too, makes for a more endurable day. We did this last shopping trip and it worked a charm! No shouting or fighting, just peace and calm.
[DON’T]
Give her full reins on the cash-flow:
Girlfriend or not, do not make the mistake of offering to pay for every single little thing she wants. I mean sure paying for things is our job, but sometimes paying for a $15 pink loofah is just ridiculous. If you’re not loaded, just tell her you’re broke and all will be well. Don’t pay for shoes that cost $85 simply because you gave into the goddamn puppy-dog eyes look. Learn some resistance bros!