The Dude's Guide to Girls

Chapter One: How to deal with girls who are PMS-ing

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Chapter One: How to deal with girls who are PMS-ing

Every single dude in the world has had to deal with chicks who is PMS-ing at least once in their life, if not then you’re just a fucking alien or you’ve got immunity- in which we’ll hunt you down and learn your fucking secrets to zoning out. So the guys and I have come up with ways to avoid being beaten by chicks when it’s their time of the month. Be warned though half this shit might not work but this is from past experiences. You can try and attempt this at home if you want, but we aren’t responsible for any consequences. Also not all girls are like this, a lot of them aren’t affected so much by PMS, remember this is from our experiences only, and we have some loco women in our life.

[DO]

Be nice to them:

So just smile and nod to whatever they say, always agree with what they say [even if they’re so wrong you want to hit them] and never show any signs of weakness, or else they’ll pounce and claw your faces off. Constantly compliment her and say how pretty she looks, even though she looks under the weather during her period, just smile and hug her. No snide or sarcastic comments or they will pick it up and goodbye sanity, hello I want to kill myself. Just nod and say yes to everything and DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT EVER! The second you connect gazes you’re screwed because then she can detect your lying…..you know how girls have that sixth sense? Women’s intuition or whatever? Yeah that. NO EYE CONTACT IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR DICK!!

[DON’T]

Piss them off:

Never piss a chick off when they’re hormonal, EVER. We’ve done that too many times and this resulted in bruises, cuts, and verbal abuse from the she-devils who we would rather not mention the names of in case they found this. So anyways don’t piss them off about anything, especially while on their reds or else. If your girl likes Lord of the Rings and in particular Legolas don’t piss her off by calling Legolass a gay sparkly vampire while watching the movie! Never ever ever disagree or start an argument with the missus if not needed. Trust us, save yourself the ear bashing and don’t even go there. Just be nice to them for 7 days while they’re spilling the reds down there and you’ll escape alive. There’s nothing worse than a bitchy girlfriend/sister/mum/aunty/best friend. So avoid arguing and fights at all costs, even if it means taking a blow to the man ego, you’ve got to do it for their sake, or else its ‘you’re this’, ‘you’re that’ for the whole week or a couple of hours.

[DO]

Learn to be considerate:

Okay yeah so we guys never have periods, because we don’t have a vagina so we can’t be all “omg I totes know how you feel” no, just no. But us guys can try and be considerate; keyword here is T R Y. So yeah we don’t know what it feels like to have blood flowing out of our private areas and we never will so we can’t empathise with the ladies. Instead we can try and be considerate. Always try and get her what she wants/needs and don’t ask questions why they need it just get it. Like once my girlfriend asked for an icepack- don’t know why!- and I didn’t get it, and she went full on aggro and just raged for an hour, telling me I was the worst boyfriend and a lazy ass. Learn from our mistakes and just be a man-slave for a week every month, A] you’ll keep your girlfriend, B] if she’s your mum she won’t ground you or give you extra household jobs and you’ll be the favourite child, C] if she’s your friend she won’t kick your ass. So if she asks for cotton buds, get them, if she asks for an apple, get it, if she asks for a pad, and get it. Save yourself the abuse and just get the damn things. It’ll keep your woman happy and keep you alive.

[DON’T]

Ditch them:

As tempting as it is to mysteriously disappear for a week on a camping trip, while your girlfriend is PMS-ing, she will find out! Chances are you’ll crash into each other at the shops, trust us this happened once with my stalker ex of a girlfriend. I told her me and the guys went on a surfing trip for a week or two, because her PMS was just scary shit, and we literally crashed into her at the shops. How you ask? Two words; trolley racing. She blew up and started throwing lemons at me and I had to be escorted out of Coles, fucking bitch got lemon in my eye. So learn from our lesson and don’t ditch. Even if you don’t go to extremes like that, don’t ditch on a date, don’t ditch while you’re on a date, just don’t ditch if you want to keep your crown jewels safe. Just stick to it and bear with them for a week or at least until the hormones die down.

[DO]

Learn some patience:

Be patient! Yes the ladies will take longer than usual in the toilets because of the blood that leaks onto their nappies called pads. Even if you are bursting to piss, do not tell her to hurry up unless you want to slit your own throat. I’ve done that once and I got a rolled up pad thrown in my face; you do not want those thrown at you, its grotty and feral on so many levels! So instead invest in a porta-loo outside, or have a shovel in your backyard so you can dig yourself a dunny [a hole in the ground that you can shit in]. Of course if you have a second toilet you could just go to the second toilet, unless that too is occupied, just learn to control your piss!

[DON’T]

Ask if your girl is PMS-ing:

Do not do this shit, if she eats more comfort food than normal and gets emotional then she’s PMS-ing. If you ask her is she’s on her reds, she’ll just get even more irritated with you, and chuck a rage, because chances are she really is PMS-ing, and you’ll only get a huge bitch fit from your missus.

[DO]

Go the extra mile:

If it means hugging her tight for an hour, or even cooking her favourite dessert, enduring an hour or two to watch her favourite rom-com, going the extra mile to make your woman happy will keep you happy. If she wanted to try a new sundae flavor at McDonalds let her, if it means watching the Notebook just goddamn do it! Means less fighting and arguing and it also means a hell of a happy lady!