They are somewhere. At someone's place.
But it's that song, the loud, cheerful but melancholic harmonica- that clenching of the stomach, the certainty of all those possibilities, all those things you could do, you won't, but you might. That sad, small smile, the tender way you will renew memories of all those moments that were more important than the mass of daily routines and usual sensations. Those moments you can get caught in all over again, those that make you forget life for a while, that play you a melody of lasting emotions.
It makes Slash feel young. Because he is. It makes him think that there's so much he can feel, so much he can become and maybe, just maybe it isn't important what happened or what could be. What counts is the cold beer in his hand, his friends beside him, that stupid, cheesy country song and Axl's soft smile as their eyes meet, both of them caught in a drunken moment full of light- hearted joy.
Judy didn't feel well. Judy stayed home and for the first time in weeks Axl actually smiles at him that way – shy, warm, affectionate, the small little curl of the corner of his mouth, his front teeth slightly visible, while he brushes a hair strand from his eyes. They look away, they both stare to the ground. They are not doing something important, it's not even that this night would differ from others - it's just that it feels like forever. Out of no reason maybe; it's just the atmosphere, it's the song, it's the sad look in Axls eyes when he looks at him again, before standing up, heading to the bathroom with way too slow, too hesitant steps.
Slash watches him walking away, his nails absently scratching at his beer can. A sigh. Another. Izzy looking at him from the corner of his eyes.
"Need a cigarette, Slasher?"
He offers him his package, encouraging Slash to take one by shaking it.
"Sure...thanks...why?"
"Just go and smoke it."
And then he just does it- just stands up as well, heading outside, but surely stopping in the dark hallway, in front of the bathroom. He leans against the wall while he listens to all the people inside the kitchen, the living room, all those in the garden. Drinking, laughing, jumping into that ridiculously big pool. There's a slight thrill of being separated from them, of not being seen by them.
When the door opens and Axl walks out, he firstly does not see him as well- then he does and he stiffens, staring at him. Slash straightens slightly, separating with the wall, looking at his feet and he's sure that it was a bad idea to follow, a bad idea to think Axl would have wanted him to. But Axl steps nearer standing directly beside him, his breath audible in the stiller hallway.
"Slash...", he says and there's still that song, his stomach stilled clenched, as he watches the long shadows on the wooden floor, the slim stream of light from the still half opened bathroom door.
"What?"
"I...maybe...I didn't realize..."
"Yeah...?"
Slash tries to sound unimpressed, he tries to sound cool and casual, but he doesn't.
"I'm...sorry..."
"I don't care..."
"Ok."
"I don't fuckin'care, Axl..."
Axl is even nearer now and Slash can't help, but turn to him, his head falling to Axls shoulder, while he repeats it again - "I don't fuckin'care, you asshole...you fuckin'asshole..."
"I know..."
"Fuck you..."
Axl sighs deeply, then lays a hand to Slashs head. He removes it immediately, then lays it back like he can't decide if he wants to touch him or not. His fingers start to softly brush through Slash locks and Slash knows he shouldn't relax under his touch, shouldn't give in as soon as Judy isn't around for once, so he steps back again.
"Don't...I just wanted to have a piss, ok?"
"Ok..."
Axls hand is still at his neck and Slash shifts from foot to foot slightly, wanting to just go, but not wanting at the same time. His fingers are jerking as his hand comes up to Axls waist. A step backwards, separating them, a step near to him again and finally Axls hand it at his shoulder to fix him in place.
A few more seconds in which they don't move- then they both lean in slightly, Axls head tilting as he lays his chin to Slashs shoulder and they share a loose, hesitant embrace.
Slash turns his head slightly, his lips brushing against Axls cheekbone. He knows what's coming, knows what they are both waiting for, but Slash whispers a soft, "No...", anyway when Axl turns his head as well and they are breathing against each others lips. "No..."; Axl agrees, but they don't move.
They start brushing their bottom lips together, eyes halfway closed, just touching in the slightest, never a real kiss, but both of them wanting. Just staying in control with a lot of will strength.
"C-come...come home with...me...tonight...", Slash whispers, having said it before really noticing.
He can read it all from Axls face: The <i> I can't </i>, the <i> I shouldn't </i>, the <i> Judy is waiting for me </i> . But Axl just nods. Nods without really wanting to, nods against his inner voice telling him that it's cheating, that he's going to betray his girlfriend- for real this time as he is sure when he agrees there's no going back.
When they finally separate, walking back into the living room and beside Izzy, Slash catches himself checking the watch. Izzy sees it. Izzy also watches the still unlit cigarette in between his trembling fingers, but as always he says nothing.
The way through the front- yard is awkward- silent, long, darkened with the certainty that Judy is going to worry, that she's going to be angry, sad and the worst is that she will be right.
But they walk down the stairs to Slashs room, the door closing behind them and they look at each other, being flooded with all those memories from those few nights they have shared.
Axl looks inside of the terrarium, then to the bed, hands buried inside of his pockets, gaze lowered as he sits down on it.
It's so different.
So different from those times when their worst problem had been nervousness.
"Can I...can I have...a kiss?", Slash asks when he sits down beside him.
"Yes...", Axl breaths before leaning in slowly, giving a small, feathery kiss to Slashs full bottom lip, then leans back again.
"I...I think...I...missed...you..."
"I...know...", Axl looks away, blushed, looking worried, "...you said all those mean things..."
It was barely audible, more or less whispered to himself.
"I...yes...I did..."
"You said I sound horrible...you said I'm a bad singer...you..."
"I know. I know...I just..."
"You know, Judy tells me she loves my voice, she encourages me..."
Slash grimaces, biting his lips, staring into the corner of the room while starting to fumble with the bracelets on his wrists. "Why are you comparing us...?"
"But..."
"What, Axl?! Tell me everything. Tell me how awesome she is."
Axl's whole body is tensed, his head lowered. "Are you...jealous...?"
"No."
"But why-"
"Shut up. Just shut up you Idiot."
"Ok..."
They keep on sitting there on the bed for a while longer, until Slash finally stops to fumble with his jewelry, looking at Axl from under his hair.
"I shouldn't be here...", Axl says.
"You shouldn't..."
"But..."
"But...what?"
"I...wanna stay..."
"Do you?"
"Yes...", they move closer to each other again without even really noticing, then Axl leans against Slashs chest, letting him wrap an arm around him and closes his eyes with a tired, lazy sigh, "...just a few more minutes..."
"Yes..."
"She won't notice..."
"She won't...", Slashs fingers are stroking up and down Axls back, making him hum quietly.
Everything is warm. Warm and slow and sleepy.
"Do you want me to bring you there?"
"How?"
"Bike..."
"No..."
"Wanna go alone then?"
"No..."
"Uh...", Slashs lips land on Axls head, as he mumbles against his hair, "do you....wanna...I mean you can...sleep on...the couch..."
Nothing at first, then another breathed, "No...Just...".
Axl lifts his head, looking into Slashs unsure face, then they start to brush their lips together again, just like in the hallway.
"Just...what..."
Warm breath.
"We...can't kiss..."
Nose against nose.
"I know..."
"We..."
The first firmer touch comes warm and wet, their lips sticking together for just a second too long to not count. Another one. Another. A quiet whimper of giving in, of loosing against himself- then a slow, tender kiss.
Axl stopping it, Axl starting it again, until Slashs hand is at his cheek, warmly cupping his face.
"Don't leave..."
"I-"
"Don't."
"Ok..."
"Ok..."
Slash lays flat to his back then, pulling Axl with him, holding him in place above him with both hands at his face. "Show me..."
He holds him in a tight embrace as Axl starts kissing his neck and his shoulders, sighing quietly, relaxing against his warmth. They are slowly getting naked, hands stroking against each others bodies, both of them breathing heavily through their noses.
The first finger is easy, smooth, arousing, the second one has Slash panting for air and the third one hurts.
But he doesn't care. All he wants, all they want, is this single night. This slow and despair filled single and last night.
When Axl enters him Slash is desperately clinging to him, burying his face to his neck, quiet sobs and hitched breaths, but he doesn't want this to end. They don't even moan- just small, shaky sounds, everything slow and intense, familiar, but new, both of them knowing that it shouldn't be.
But it doesn't count. It doesn't count, cause' it makes them feel. Feel the heat, the shelter, the soothing feeling of skin on skin, sharing kisses, sharing the same air.
When Slash comes he has a strong grip at Axl, pulling him close, his whole body grinding, jerking against him, while Axl has his face pressed against Slashs neck, inhaling the sweet smell of fresh sweat.
When it's over they just keep on laying there, pressed to each other, their fingers intertwined, breathing calmly into the dark room.
Bittersweet evanescence.
"Do you remember our promise, Slash?"
"Sure..."
"That we wouldn't change..."
"Yes..."
"Do you really think we can keep it?"
"No. It's already broken."
"Yes...it's already broken..."
Then he crawls even nearer to Slash, hugging him tightly with both arms around his belly, involuntarily counting the hours they will have until sunrise.