"Ammi you didn't even ask me and you just said yes?" She said to her mother. She had finally gotten her alone as she didn't want her father or brother overhearing their conversation.
"Because you were the one who told me that you wanted to get married to him. And at the hospital I saw your concern for him. Don't worry I understand your hesitance. Just trust Allah everything will be fine." She said smiling as she patted her daughter on the shoulder.
"I never told you I wanted to marry him!" Maya exclaimed. She hadn't even dreamt that her mother would even remember that time when she had said that for Daniyal. She remembered that she had never gotten to tell her the name or anything else but how could her mother assume that she had been talking about Zayan.
"I know you didn't. But I am your mother. Actions speak louder than words beta. The way you comforted him spoke volumes. No need to be shy. I know you inside out." She said with a wink and her eyes widened slightly. She was not one to talk to her mother about these things, especially right now.
"But Ammi-" she started but then shut her mouth. What was she supposed to say?
"What now?" She asked mischievously, taking her hesitance for shyness.
"Ammi just reject the proposal. I am not ready to marry him right now." She said finally.
"What? Reject the proposal? Are you out of your mind Maya?" Her mother exclaimed in shock. "These things don't work like that. One second you do a commitment and the next you back off. I understand that you feel that you are not ready for such a commitment yet but just trust Allah for once. Maybe this is the right time."
"But-"
"I don't understand your hesitance Maya. Tell me clearly, what's wrong?" She said scrutinzing her and Maya averted her gaze. Her mother could really read her and if she found out what had happened she would break and she couldn't do this to her mother.
"I - Mama please understand." She pleaded. "I want to focus on my career first."
This was the ready made excuse she had.
"And why would you leave your job then?" She asked suspiciously.
Maya cringed at the mention of that. How could she possibly go there now, when those walls reminded her of something like that.
"Mama I'll find another job but please don't make me leave from here." She said, hoping her mother would listen to her.
"No Maya. I am not going to hear a word from you about that. It was in your fate. Leave the rest to Allah. He will do the best for you." She said and Maya knew it was of no use to argue with her anymore.
She stalked off to her room.
What the hell was going on in her life?
How could she marry Zayan? It wasn't about him. He was a good person. It was actually about her. Did she deserve him? He knew that another man had touched her so would he ever be able to come to terms with that? Would she ever be able to give her husband his rights? Would she ever be comfortable with a man? Would he even be able to give her time? Would he be able to deal with her nightmares?
All these questions and many more roamed around her mind. She hated Daniyal with all herself. He had destroyed her. The worst thing was that he had destroyed her hope for the future. The only thing that helped people survive dark times like these was hope.
She had let the past cast a dark shadow on her soul. She wasn't able to move on. She didn't have any hope that she would be able to forget about it or at least learn to live with it. Living life in her dictionary meant enjoying it thoroughly not merely surviving through it. She needed someone to assure her not to lose hope.
Without hope a person would die. Hope was like the sun. As we journey towards it, it casts the shadow of our burden behind us and engulfs us in its light. She needed someone to tell her that. She really did need someone who would understand her pain, someone who knew everything.
She was too egoistic to go and cry on someones shoulder or even tell her family the truth and ask for sympathy. Zayan already knew everything. He was a good person so she knew he would help her out. She knew he would be there for him. Deep down she knew he would be perfect for her but in all honesty she didn't want to use him to get her pieces back.
She didn't want him to hurt himself while picking up her pieces. She didn't want his pity. She wanted herself to be strong and fight those night mares herself.
She didn't understand that Allah was sending someone to help her and that you don't necessarily have to do everything alone.
With all those thoughts circulating her mind, she drifted towards sleep lying on the prayer mat praying that she would be able to trust Allah and live through all if this.
Trusting Allah did being hope. With Allah's trust came the fact that Allah loves us and He is testing us to bring us closer to Him and that he would never let anything happen to is that we can't handle the burden if.
She prayed to Allah to give her the strengthen to face everything that fate threw in her face. And for once she prayed to Allah, that of Zayan was really written in her destiny she would be able to accept him without any negative thoughts even if it was just for the sake of her family's happiness.
****
Maya was preparing o go to bed. The day had been so exhausting that she couldn't wait to climb under the covers and sleep so she could forget everything.
She flicked the lights off and after reciting the durood a few times her eyes started drooping.
She was about to fall asleep when she heard her phone ringing. She turned to look at it but it was not within her reach so she let it ring and buried her face in the pillow.
After ringing a few times it stopped, just to start ringing again.
She groaned and tried not to let a stream of curses leave her mouth for the caller.
Blindly she reached her arm on the side table looking for the offending device.
When she finally got hold of it she angrily received the call and let her tongue loose at the poor soul n the other end.
"Is this a time to call anyone?" She said sleepily but the anger still managed to penetrate her tone. "I'm sure whoever the hell is this has the courtesy to hang up before I block you."
She couldn't even think what she was saying; she was so sleepy.
She was about to hang up before she heard the voice on the other end.
"Hey baby!"
Her heart starting beating fast. Treacherous organ!
She could recognize this voice anywhere.
"Sweetheart I'm sure that's no way to talk to me." He commented and her heart started drumming even more faster in fear and all those memories from that day invaded her mind.
"Speechless? Are you so happy that you can't even say anything?" His disgusting voice came and she cringed.
Any signs of sleep had disappeared as she sat straight on the bed, one hand gripping her phone tightly and the other clutching the bed sheets.
Tears collected at her eye lashes as the memories she was trying to bury in the darkest corner of her mind, came back to her. He had touched her in places she couldn't even mention. He had felt her whole body. Tears of helplessness pricked her eyes and she couldn't even make out what he was saying.
Her body shivered as she heard his voice over the phone not really understanding anything. It was so clear as if he was right in front of her.
A tear drop fell from her eye and rolled down her cheek and the water works just started.
She tapped the screen and the call disconnected. She stared at her phone through her tears.
Why did he call her? What did he want now?
She knew what he wanted and she felr so scared.
Angrily she pressed the power button and turned her phone off and threw it across the bed, not caring if it broke.
Her muffled sobs echoed in the room as she cried into her pillow.
What had she done to deserve this? She wasn't asking for pity but what was her fault in all this?
She hated her life so much now.
She wished she could and her life now. She wished suicide wasn't haram and she had the courage to end her life but she knew that the punishment of suicide was far more than what she was facing now.
Whenever she closed her eyes his face came in her eyes and she felt that he was around her in her room, watching her cry.
She looked around herself like a paranoid person.
She could almost feel his disgusting eyes on her. She wrapped her arms around her knees as she gazed around the room in fear that he would come anytime and touch her again.
Not being able to take it anymore, she threw the covers off herself and rushed out of her room barefooted.
She went to the kitchen and splashed water on her face in the sink. The cold water made her feel better, it made her feel clean.
She poured a glass of water for herself and gulped it down trying to calm her breathing.
"Maya?"
She paralyzed in fear when she heard someone calling her name and the glass in her hand slipped and hit the floor and broke. Her heart beat plummeted and she stared at the floor in horror.
"Maya!" Someone exclaimed sharply.
She turned around to see her brother standing in the doorway. A part of her sighed in relief while another part of her was angry. He didn't need to see her crying now.
"What's wrong?" He asked eyeing the broken pieces of glass on the floor.
"N-nothing." She said hiding her face from him and quickly bent down to pick up the shards of glass from the marble floor.
"Wait! Don't. You are not wearing your shoes, you'll hurt yourself." He said stopping her and she glanced at her bare feet.
She was hurting enough already. This physical pain wouldn't kill her now.
She glanced at him through her red eyes and turned around to leave the kitchen.
"Maya, you were sleeping. Whats wrong? You aren't the one to wake up in the middle of the night like this." He commented, feeling worried about her. Was their something bothering her?
"Nothing is wrong." She said curtly without looking at his face and glared at the ground
"You can tell me, you know that right?" He asked gripping her wrist and she glared at him.
"It is none of your business." She said glaring in his eyes. She didn't care that he was talking to her after so long because if she let him talk to her, she knew that she would end up crying about everything.
"Why are your eyes so red?" He asked her, his expression morphing in concern,nignoring her early statement.
Her heart clenched. He wasn't there when she needed him to save her. What was the point of anything now?
"Maya, what's wrong? Have you been crying? Please tell me." Fawad pleaded as he eyed her in worry.
Maya averted her gaze and stared at the floor covered with the shattered glass that she broke. She was broken in the same way. She knew nothing could put together her broken pieces, just like no one cohld fix the glass now. She had broken herself to the way she had broken the glass. It was all her fault. She should have told her brother. How could he have known about anything?
"I-I'm sleepy." She mumbled as she rubbed her eyes trying to get rid of the tears that were forming.
"Go sleep then." Her brother said, leaning forward to kiss her forehead, but she stepped back making him frown. She didn't want love anymore. No one should love someone like her.
She stormed off to her own room, leavig her brother bewildered at her behavior.
She glared at her surroundings angrily and kicked the wall, just to bruise her toe.
She was trying to hide her hurt and tears in anger because she was never this weak, she never started crying about little things and now she didn't now how to handle it.
***
Salam!
I made it longer than usual! So tell me what you thing? Do you understand whats he is going through?
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