Of Broken Hearts and Tears

Chapter 21

"Ammi you didn't even ask me and you just said yes?" She said to her mother. She had finally gotten her alone as she didn't want her father or brother overhearing their conversation.

"Because you were the one who told me that you wanted to get married to him. And at the hospital I saw your concern for him. Don't worry I understand your hesitance. Just trust Allah everything will be fine." She said smiling as she patted her daughter on the shoulder.

"I never told you I wanted to marry him!" Maya exclaimed. She hadn't even dreamt that her mother would even remember that time when she had said that for Daniyal. She remembered that she had never gotten to tell her the name or anything else but how could her mother assume that she had been talking about Zayan.

"I know you didn't. But I am your mother. Actions speak louder than words beta. The way you comforted him spoke volumes. No need to be shy. I know you inside out." She said with a wink and her eyes widened slightly. She was not one to talk to her mother about these things, especially right now.

"But Ammi-" she started but then shut her mouth. What was she supposed to say?

"What now?" She asked mischievously, taking her hesitance for shyness.

"Ammi just reject the proposal. I am not ready to marry him right now." She said finally.

"What? Reject the proposal? Are you out of your mind Maya?" Her mother exclaimed in shock. "These things don't work like that. One second you do a commitment and the next you back off. I understand that you feel that you are not ready for such a commitment yet but just trust Allah for once. Maybe this is the right time."

"But-"

"I don't understand your hesitance Maya. Tell me clearly, what's wrong?" She said scrutinzing her and Maya averted her gaze. Her mother could really read her and if she found out what had happened she would break and she couldn't do this to her mother.

"I - Mama please understand." She pleaded. "I want to focus on my career first." 

This was the ready made excuse she had.

"And why would you leave your job then?" She asked suspiciously.

Maya cringed at the mention of that. How could she possibly go there now, when those walls reminded her of something like that.

"Mama I'll find another job but please don't make me leave from here." She said, hoping her mother would listen to her.

"No Maya. I am not going to hear a word from you about that. It was in your fate. Leave the rest to Allah. He will do the best for you." She said and Maya knew it was of no use to argue with her anymore.

She stalked off to her room. 

What the hell was going on in her life?

How could she marry Zayan? It wasn't about him. He was a good person. It was actually about her. Did she deserve him? He knew that another man had touched her so would he ever be able to come to terms with that? Would she ever be able to give her husband his rights? Would she ever be comfortable with a man? Would he even be able to give her time? Would he be able to deal with her nightmares?

All these questions and many more roamed around her mind. She hated Daniyal with all herself. He had destroyed her. The worst thing was that he had destroyed her hope for the future. The only thing that helped people survive dark times like these was hope. 

She had let the past cast a dark shadow on her soul. She wasn't able to move on. She didn't have any hope that she would be able to forget about it or at least learn to live with it. Living life in her dictionary meant enjoying it thoroughly not merely surviving through it. She needed someone to assure her not to lose hope.