"Hey wake up, Zeke!"
"Huh?" Zeke opened his eyes blearily and blinked. "What's going on?" He appeared to be laying on his back in an alleyway. "Am I back in the game?"
"What game?"
"Uh, I don't know," Zeke strained his brain chasing after a fleeting memory. "Where the hell am I anyway? And for that matter who are you?"
"It's me, Max! Jeez, she worked you over good, didn't she?"
"Who worked me over?" Zeke mumbled.
"That stripper!" Max said. "She drugged you. Remember that love potion she gave you? She was hoping to sedate you long enough to get you back to her place and have her way with you, but apparently you freaked out and ran away. You're lucky I found you."
"Wait, the stripper drugged me?" Zeke's head felt like it was clearing up a little bit.
"Yeah," Max said. "She admitted as much when she came back inside. Fortunately for you I wasn't otherwise occupied. That lovely blonde I was with stormed off when she found out I didn't have any extra floss to tip her with. Word must have spread, because none of the other strippers approached me after that. So I decided to come looking for you and thanks to my superior detective skills I found you. Of course, now I have no idea where the hell we are, but that's beside the point really."
Zeke sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Gee, thanks for coming after me, Max."
"Eh, I wasn't going to get any action in that place anyway, so I figured I may as well. And look, I managed to swipe a case of brew before I left. You want one?"
"Sure," Zeke said as he accepted the bottle that was offered to him. "Hey, this tastes like beer! How come nobody told me about this earlier?"
"Oh, it's much better than beer, Zeke," Max said as he cracked one open himself. "Now, let's go see if we can figure out where the hell we are. I think the strip club was back this way... or was it the other way?"
They wandered out into the street and Max looked around in a bewildered fashion. "Pardon me, sir," Max stopped a passing beaver. "Can you tell me where we are?"
"Get away from me, wino!" the beaver said scornfully and continued on its way.
"Hey! I'll have you know I'm a respected law enforcement agent!" Max called after it. "Well that was rude. But who needs that guy anyway? If we wander around long enough we're bound to find a Roto-Bus stop."
"For some reason I feel like I don't really want to ride the Roto-Bus anymore," Zeke said.
"What, are you turning into Sarah or something?" Max asked. "What's the big deal anyway?"
"I don't know. I just have this weird feeling about them. Speaking of Sarah, that reminds me, weren't we going to go look for her earlier today?"
"Oh yeah, I guess we forgot," Max rubbed his chin. "That woman owes me floss, too. Don't worry we'll track her down. First we need to figure out where the hell we are before we can worry about her location." He took a big swig off his brew and belched loudly.
"I know," Zeke said. "I'm just kind of worried about her is all."
Max sighed. "Oh no. I recognize that look. Don't tell me you're in love with her." He made a gagging noise and rolled his eyes.
"Well, um, I mean, not love exactly, but you know..." Zeke stared at the ground sheepishly.
"Hey, it's cool, man. We all get stupid over broads sometimes. I didn't realize you had feelings for her. This whole time I figured you just wanted a quick roll in the hay with her like I do. Well, since you're a friend and all, don't worry. I'll back off. So, have you ever said anything to her about this?"
"No, not really," Zeke said. "I've just pined after her in silence for the past several years."
"Oh, Zeke, that's pathetic," Max shook his head.
"I know it is," Zeke said as he took a long drink. "It's just she's always with Vance and the right moment never really came up."
"Well you'll be happy to know she and Vance are no longer an item."
"What?" Zeke looked up.
"Yeah, they're kaput. Splitsville. She dumped his sorry ass. Saw it with my own eyes."
"Max, if you're joking about this we can no longer be friends. I'm serious."
"So am I," Max held up his palms. "Don't worry, I'll put in a good word for you next time I see her. That girl's crazy about me. Sure, it'll break her heart when I tell her it'll never work between us, but in the end she'll do what I say and I'll try to hook her up with you. You have to do your part, though. Stop being such a goober all the time and you might just stand a chance."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Zeke said as he finished off his first bottle and tossed it aside. "Got another brew for me?"
"Buddy, we've got a whole case here," Max said as he cracked open two fresh ones. "Now I say we head down this path here and see where we end up." He pointed at a narrow dirt trail that disappeared into a grove of trees.
"I don't know," Zeke said. "It looks kind of overgrown. I don't think it's used very often."
"So haven't you ever heard of taking the road less traveled by?" Max asked. "Come on, we're not getting anywhere on the main streets and it has to lead somewhere. Let's see where it goes."
They wandered down the narrow dirt path into the thick grove of trees. "This kind of reminds me of the jungle," Zeke said.
"Yeah, yeah, you and those stupid flowers. I know."
"All I'm saying is I kicked that jungle's ass," Zeke said. "Which is more than you can say."
"You want a medal or something for surviving the jungle? It sounds to me like it's not as dangerous as it's made out to be."
"Oh, it was dangerous all right," Zeke said between gulps of brew. "But you know me, I laugh at danger." Suddenly he stopped short in his tracks and pointed upwards. "What the hell is that?" His voice cracked as he spoke.
"It looks like a big stone eyeball poking through the foliage," Max said thoughtfully as he stared in the direction Zeke was indicating.
"Why does everything have to have eyes around here," Zeke shuddered.
"I don't think that one's alive," Max rubbed his chin and took a drink of brew. "Let's go check it out."
They walked through a patch of something resembling ivy and found themselves standing under a giant statue of a bullfrog crouching on a lily pad. It was cracked and covered with vines and appeared as if it hadn't been kept up in a very long time.
"Hey, it kind of looks like you," Zeke said.
"Yes, well frogs are distantly related to us, but toads are clearly the superior species."
"Why is it here?" Zeke asked.
"Hmm. I think I've heard of this place. I believe it's called the Temple of the Frogs. It seems the ancient inhabitants of the area that's now Quartzwater City used to worship frogs and built massive shrines to them. Poor misguided bastards. So close to their true amphibian gods, and yet so far."
"Wow, ancient ruins. You think there's any treasure around this joint?" Zeke sipped his brew and stared at the statue.
"Could be," Max shrugged. "There's supposed to be a vast network of catacombs running underneath the temple. Of course it's probably not worth going in there. You think we're lost now, try wandering around a labyrinth in the dark for awhile."
"Yeah, you're probably right," Zeke said as he sat down on a carved stone altar situated near the base of the statue. "This place is kind of cool. You want to sit here for a minute and have a couple brews?"
"I could stand to get off my feet for a bit," Max stretched his arms over his head and sat on a nearby broken pillar. They finished their current brews and cracked open two new ones.
"Man, it sure is quiet around here," Zeke said as he looked around. "It seems like we're kind of far off the beaten path."
"Yeah, so?" Max shrugged as he pulled out a cigarette and put it to his lips.
"I don't know, maybe this is the alcohol talking, but it seems like if we want to find our way, we shouldn't be wandering off into thick overgrowths of bushes."
"Yes, but if we hadn't wandered off into the bushes, we wouldn't have found this temple either, now would we?" Max said as he took a deep puff.
"What exactly have we accomplished by finding this temple?" Zeke asked as he swallowed some more brew.
"It was lost, now it's found," Max said matter-of-factly.
"But we're lost," Zeke pointed out.
"Touché," Max pursed his lips thoughtfully. "Well never mind the petty details. So we took a little side excursion on our way back. No big deal. Besides, we could have ended up in a worse place than here. I mean, would you rather accidentally run into some ancient ruins or an open-pit sewage treatment plant?"
"I think we need to come up with some sort of plan as to how we're going to figure out where we are."
"No," Max coughed. "That's the whole problem. We've been thinking too much. No, what we need to do is keep drinking until our conscious minds shut down entirely. At that point we'll be operating on sheer instinct. Believe me our feet know the way to go. It's our minds that are confusing things."
"My feet aren't feeling all that coordinated at the moment," Zeke noted as he stood up and attempted to walk around the small altar. He teetered over a few times but made it all the way around.
Max started giggling. "You look ridiculous! Like some sort of drunk hairless pink monkey!"
"I am drunk and hairless and pink," Zeke giggled back. "But you take back that monkey comment, damn it!"
"Honestly I can't really tell the difference between humans and monkeys," Max said. "Other than that monkeys are clearly the more intelligent species."
"Oh you're a funny man, aren't you?" Zeke placed his hands on his hips in mock indignation. "At least there's more of a difference between humans and monkeys than there is between frogs and toads."
"What?" Max sputtered. "That just shows how stupid you are! I mean, are you blind for fuck's sake? Look at the shape of the nose for one thing!"
"What nose?" Zeke asked. "You kind of just have two nostrils in your head. Besides, I read somewhere that all toads actually are frogs. They're just a certain subspecies of the frog family or something like that."
"What? Where did you read that? Blatant lies!" Max threw his cigarette on the ground and stomped on it. "I'll show you what I think of frogs!" He walked over to the base of the statue, unzipped his pants, and proceeded to piss on it.
Almost instantly a loud ribbit sounded through the air and numerous large wooden spikes shot out of the ground all the way around the statue, one coming inches away from impaling Max.
"Whoah, looks like the ancients took some precautions against having their statue defiled," Zeke commented.
"Yeah? Well unfortunately for them their little security system didn't work. I'm still standing here, aren't I?" He turned around and started to walk away, but he had forgotten to re-zip his pants. They fell around his ankles revealing white boxers imprinted with a red heart pattern. Max took two steps and fell on his face, again barely missing falling on a spike. He stood up shakily and pulled up his pants. "Okay, there may have been some karma involved there. But anyway, where's my brew?"
"I think it got knocked over when the spikes shot out of the ground," Zeke said.
"Damn you frog loving ancient screw heads!" Max shouted as he shook his fist at the statue. "Luckily we still have a nearly full case here. Now let's get out of here. I'm sick of this place."
* * *
The rest of the night passed mostly in a blur. Zeke grasped at fleeting images of various streets and courtyards they had passed through. Fortunately the streets had been mostly empty at the time. As it was Zeke was amazed they hadn't been arrested. He had vague memories of various depraved acts, including numerous bouts of public urination, loud exchanging of fart jokes, and wanton destruction of property. One incident in particular had involved a large circular object filled with gushing yellow liquid, which Zeke had initially taken to be a big public toilet and had utilized accordingly. Further inspection revealed it to be a "lemonade spring" which apparently served as an important drinking source for the neighborhood.
Potentially embarrassing antics aside, Zeke found himself exhausted and still quite drunk as the sun began to rise. They had been walking most of the night and still had no idea as to their exact whereabouts.
Max was babbling incoherently about tsetse flies. "I just like to say the word 'tsetse.' Tsetse... tsetse... tsetse... Hee hee hee. They taste pretty good too."
"Hey Max," Zeke said deliberately, nearly tripping over the syllables.
"What is it, Zeke old chap?" Max attempted to slap him on the back and ended up bumping into his shoulder instead. "Ow."
"In case you hadn't noticed, the sun's up and we're still lost."
"Hmm... so it is," Max stopped walking and wobbled on his feet. "Well, at least that means the Roto-Buses should start running soon. We've gotta encounter one eventually. In the meantime we've still got a few brews left."
"We're going to encounter someone soon for sure. I mean people generally start coming out when the sun does. And with our luck we'll probably encounter a policeman."
"So what's he going to do? Bust us for being a little drunk? Is that some sort of crime?"
"I think it is," Zeke said. "I mean, you did smash up somebody's lawn decorations awhile back."
"I don't recall any such event," Max said shifty-eyed. "I swear, you get drunk and you start imagining things Zeke."
"Shh," Zeke said suddenly putting his index finger clumsily to his lips. "I think I hear something."
"See? Your imagination's running wild," Max said while flailing his arms about.
"No really," Zeke whispered. "I think there's people on the other side of those trees."
"Well, let's go see what they want," Max said and tramped heavy footed through the foliage.
"Wait! It might be dangerous. Come back!" Zeke called out but Max apparently didn't hear him. "Damn it!" he cursed under his breath. "Oh well, I guess I'd better go with him."
They emerged from the trees and found themselves in a grassy field with numerous small fur balls running around squealing with high pitched laughter.
"Is it me or did we just get a lot taller?" Max asked.
"Uh, I think these are children," Zeke said after a moment of closer inspection. He suddenly became self-conscious of the open bottle of brew in his hand and quickly held it behind his back.
Their intrusion on the scene was soon noticed by the children who huddled together shyly and stared at them. Finally a tiny little rabbit stepped forward and tugged at Max's pants. "I'm Frankie. Who are you?"
"Don't you recognize me? I'm Maximillian J. Toad. The greatest detective in town and hero to every man, woman, and child. Sorry, but no autographs."
The little rabbit blinked at him with its wide brown eyes. "Do you and your friend want to play tag with us?"
"Sorry kid, I only play tag with hot buxom blondes. That pretty much rules out your whole gang, although that pouty little kitten over there can feel free to look me up in about fifteen years."
"What's that?" Frankie pointed at the case of brew that dangled precariously from Max's fingers.
"This, my young friend, is the only thing that's going to get you through your empty, meaningless, soul-crushing existence once you get a little older and realize life's nothing more than a horrible joke and you're never going to get out of that boring, hopeless, dead-end job you're stuck with until you get old and useless and eventually die. You hear that, kids? Turn back now! It's all downhill from here!"
"Uh, Max?" Zeke said tugging at his sleeve. "We should probably get out of here. Some lady's coming over here and she doesn't look very happy."
"Who cares if she's happy?" Max asked. "The more important question is, is she cute?"
"Frankie! Get away from those people right this moment!" shouted the woman, who appeared to be a possum with thick granny glasses and her hair worn up in a neat bun. She was running quickly from an unassuming little building that Zeke hadn't noticed before.
"That's a big no on the cute-meter," Max said and took a sip off his brew. "Although a couple more brews might make her doable."
"Children go inside immediately!" she shouted and whirled upon Max and Zeke. "You horrible, horrible men! This is a day care center! You should be ashamed of yourselves!"
"I guess I am kind of ashamed," Max looked at his feet sheepishly. "Where are my manners? There's enough brew here to share with everyone. I mean, those kids are small. They shouldn't drink that much right?"
The woman let out a horrified gasp. "These children shouldn't be exposed to alcohol at all! You two reek of booze and cigarettes!"
"Well, that kind of makes sense since we've been drinking and smoking all night!" Max said condescendingly.
"Uh, I haven't been smoking," Zeke offered abashedly.
"No, but that strip club we were in was pretty smoky," Max said.
"Oh yeah," Zeke said quietly, looking off to the side and rubbing his nose non-chalantly.
"I absolutely cannot believe this," the woman shook her head in disgust. "You degenerates should not be allowed to walk the streets. I'm calling the police."
"Yeah?" Max challenged. "You do that! It just so happens I'm in the law enforcement business and I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you in, lady!"
"What?" she asked. "On what charges?"
"Leaving children unsupervised," Max said self-importantly. "There are all sorts of perverts, weirdos, and depraved lunatics out there, honey, and since we didn't see any other adults around we graciously took it upon ourselves to provide the adult supervision."
"That's ridiculous!" the woman shouted. "They were just out getting their morning exercise! I was watching from the window the whole time!"
"Be that as it may, you're going down, baby," Max said. "And I'm personally going to see to it you do some hard time."
"Oh we'll see about this!" the woman stormed off towards the building. "I'm calling the cops right now!"
"I AM the cops, lady!" Max called out after her. "And I hope you're ready to be somebody's bitch because those big lonely prison dykes are going to have their way with you!"
She slammed the door shut behind her and Zeke could see her through the window picking up an object resembling a phone.
"This would be our cue to split," Max said pointing his thumb over his shoulder. They turned around and made a hasty retreat back through the trees.