ooo double update
and ok so the girl with asami in the gif (asami plays ava) is her ex band mate jessica plummer who i imagine as becca so yeah just thought i'd say that
chapter twenty-one; voicemails and other terrible things.
After one big crying fest with Becca and the teddy bear that Michael had gotten her when Calum left, Ava felt a lot better to have good friend (and stuffed animal) to support her. She had finally made the attempt to get out of her bedroom and ended curled up on the living room couch, with Penguin—the teddy bear—clutched between her hands, her eyes staying on the TV in front of her as she watched streams of the presidential debate.
Usually, she'd never watch the presidential debate during this year because as the feminist she was, she was certain that she couldn't go on for more than ten minutes without screaming. Most of the time, she made comments about Donald Trump's hair and his irrelevant, random accusations towards Mexicans, watching intently and sighing here and there for the fact that she was actually sitting down and watching something that made her so angry. Truthfully, politics made this Japanese, opinionated, and frustrated bean the angriest person in the world, and quite frankly, Ava was very scary when she was angry.
However, it wasn't exactly pegged as normal to go through losing a friend and then watch the 2016 Presidential Debate—unless there were romance novels and movies that Ava hadn't heard of yet, that could possibly entertain her instead—because it was doubtful than anyone did this immediately after getting their heartbroken. But, the angrier she got, the less she remembered the heartbreak; the aggravation overpowered and nearly masked the hurt, and she preferred this over crying some more. The debate ended as she fiddled with Penguin and letting out a huff, she turned off the television. She hated the noise, but not as much as she hated the silence and the big void that slowly seeped into her thoughts whenever they had the chance.
She really hoped that Luke was okay; she hoped that he had his friends supporting him and trying to help him get back on his feet during the times that she couldn't. She only ever wanted the best for him, despite how problematic everything has gotten. In times like this, she would've immediately went outside and smoked, but she knew now that she was better than that, and even though she felt nauseous the first few weeks of her cold turkey call, she believed that she was only helping herself. Like always.
Ava heard Becca humming in her room, and like always, she was probably checking the voicemails. Becca did this every once in a while so she could start to delete everything, only taking notes on the important ones. Ava sat and listened to her friend's humming, recognizing the song as Perfect by Simple Plan, and letting her month form into a crooked smile for the fact that Becca was getting musically influenced by her boyfriend (finally). She wasn't sure if Becca did in fact know of her situation with Luke (aka, what Ava called, The Tragic Thursday of Tears) since Calum never confirmed, but nonetheless she still continued to keep her mouth shut about it until Becca had asked.
Letting the humming take up the space in her mind that would normally be concentrated on Luke, Ava tried her best to not let any more thoughts about the tall, blonde, and blue-eyed boy slip into her brain. Then the humming stopped. Furrowing her eyebrows, she sat up and heard Becca call her name.
"Ava, I think you should listen to this. It sounds important," Ava heard and she let the anxiety fill her, wondering what it was. She made her way to Becca's bright white room and saw her roommate sitting on her futon with a pen in between her teeth, staring at the voicemail machine.
"What's up—" She started, but was interrupted by Becca pressing PLAY and causing silence to fill the room. Whoever was on the end of the receiver was shuffling around a bit and sounded like they were in a loud environment.
"Ava. I know it's been so long since I have talked to you. I wanted to send letters but I was afraid of not getting a response. I know you moved around a lot after..." There was a pause, but Ava knew exactly what the speaker meant by it. She waited, heart racing in her chest, for the person to continue. "But I finally found—what I think—is your number. I really hope it's your number, Musume. I've missed you—we have all missed you. And we wanted to say sorry. There's a lot going on with the family now and we'd like you to be there for it. We live in the same place we used to. So don't be afraid to visit. I'm sorry."
Time stopped completely, or it at least that's what it felt like. The feeling was semi-indescribable, like a weird numbness mixed with the feeling of falling. Falling. That's exactly what it felt like. It's like the dream when you're calm and everything seems normal but then you trip, or fall and suddenly the floor is gone and the air whooshes you up and you feel pressure increase and decrease and your lungs struggle go catch your breath as you panic in mid-air—and then you jerk awake. You snap out of it. That's what it felt like, except for Ava, she had yet to snap out of it.
She blinked. It's official. Life was out to get her. Gulping loudly and trying to go over the words that she had just heard from a voice she hadn't [heard] in a while, she opened her mouth and then closed it redundantly, resembling a fish out of water, her hands making useless gestures to help her brain muster up the courage (and override the confusion) to voice her words. She was speechless, but also an unhealthy combination of furious and relieved—her palms were sweating more than usual and her heart sped up in her chest and her mind was a blaze of disorganized phrases mixed up into one big, messy jigsaw puzzle. If she were to list the messy things in life, she'd simply title it the 2nd Week of October 2016, since that's when it seemed that Jesus Christ himself had picked her name out of a hat and chosen her, Ava Mitsuko Morrison, to finally pay for all of her numerous sins in the period of a month.
Actually, in that sense, maybe she deserved it.
"Are you okay? Who was that? Who's Musume? Who was that?" Becca let out instantly, spitting out the words in one long exhale, tongue vibrating wildly against her front teeth in order to pronounce every word correctly in the span of approximately five seconds.
Almost in the daze of no control, Ava's words came out slurred and drawled, like she was on some type of tranquilization. Without glancing at Becca, she responded to the last question.
"My mom."
•••
Ava spent nearly forty five minutes explaining her life story to her roommate, leading up to slacked jaws and wide eyes as responses, and ending in silence only caused by shock. The two girls sat quietly; Ava fiddled with her fingers and Becca tried to figure out what to say, if she even could think of anything that is.
Ava left out the part that she told Luke about this before she told Becca. Not only would that fuel unhappy memories and cause Becca to frown, it was irrelevant and unnecessary to bring up— in her opinion. Wasn't it? It's not Luke particularly cared about her family life nor did he know that full details. That's what Ava told herself, but deep down she knew that, on better circumstances, Luke would've gleamed up at her with that charming, jubilant grin of his and take in every detail he could of her family if he wanted to.
She hated his dumb face and his stupid hair and his unintelligent insults (he once called her a corn dog when they hung out one day since he didn't want to be offensive, completely missing the point of insults) and his nice nose and pink lips and his blue eyes and his combat boots and skinny jeans. She hated his ability to make her think of him in the best and worst of times; she despised his laugh and how it would rise an octave and his voice would crack; she disliked his lanky figure and how his being had a hold on her heart like locks around chains on a cage that couldn't be undone, and she detested how none of these things were true and how she much she really loved him.
Why couldn't she just deal with one problem at a time without feeling so...so attacked? Family matters and love lives were the worst of the worst and she truly believed she was granted lucky that her landlord hadn't knocked on their door and evicted them right now. (Or had she just jinxed it?)
The air felt tense and awkward and Ava didn't know why, her hand making its way to fix the way her shirt collar wrapped around her neck, concentrating on the window behind her friend's head. She stared at the moon, which was faint and hard to see in the polluted New York sky, but it was visible enough to catch her attention. Using it to try and avoid confrontation or at least any more tension or conflict, she proceeded to wait until Becca spoke up. Then, her mind drifted off to Luke and she sighed sadly. She really wished she hadn't left Penguin in the living room so that she could hold him, in order to let out stress or have a sense of comfort.
"Your family hasn't talked to you in a little over a year?" Becca confirmed slowly, tinges of disappointment in her voice. She was upset that she didn't think ask Ava about her family before. In fact, they hadn't really told each other much when they first met—other than simple questions about hygiene, boundaries, or the typical do you have a criminal record inquiries, the two girls hadn't revealed much upon first introduction. So, to Becca, Ava's backstory had been a complete mystery. She had only known as much as Ava told her, nothing before the arrival to the big city, and added onto there.
"Yeah. I guess it's been that way since they kicked me out. Well, my parents did," Ava said glumly, shrugging, "But it's partly my fault. I moved around a lot so I suppose they couldn't keep up."
"What about your brothers and sisters?"
"I had two brothers and two sisters. The elders were Hanako and Aya, my older brother and sister. They attend a college close to home and they haven't talked to me either. My younger siblings, Ryuu and Kaito—the twins—were only around eight when I left. I didn't even get an invitation to their birthday party that happened shortly after I left," Ava answered, thinking back on the family she missed dearly, "But I don't know if they wanted me there. I doubt they talked about me."
The thought made her frown. Had her family ever talked about her? Had they ever felt remorse until now? Now. Ava had so many questions. They had all this time, but they call her now, make contact now. It didn't make sense, but nothing ever did these days. And what was going on with the family like her mom said? Was it something important?
It had to be if they had finally crawled up and reached out to her after a year.
She began to think of her siblings. They always used to have each other's backs, but that one night when she needed them most they stayed quiet. She'd be lying if she said that there weren't moments where she held grudges, but most of the time she just felt betrayed. Her head hurt and it finally matched her heart—throbbing and panicked. Family was always a tough subject, but it was even harder with feelings being resurfaced.
"Are you going to call them back? I know that you've had some bad moments, but maybe this is time for repentance. For forgiveness," suggested Becca. Ava gave her another shrug in reply.
"I don't know. I don't think I'm ready to call them. For Christ sake! I was barely able to handle that voicemail," she distressed, hands curled in her hair. Why did her life have to be such a terrible thing? Now she knew what Derek Sanders of Mayday Parade meant in that song. Life can do terrible things.
"Hey, hey," Becca cooed, placing a hand on her back, rubbing it in circles. "You don't have to call them right this second. Or even in next couple of days. You said they've tried calling your cellphone too, right? With their landline?"
Ava nodded.
"Well then, they've been doing this for a while, right? Have you ever answered them?"
"Only once," Ava confessed, "A couple months after I left. It ended in screaming and I hung up."
"They keep trying though, don't they?" Becca brought up, and Ava hated how good at advice she was. "They want to fix your relationship. They're trying. You have to try to. Give them a chance."
Ava knew her friend was right. Becca seemed to always be right. The situation at hand just had too many things at stake. She could rekindle herself with her family and talk to them. She'd be invited to Christmas parties and birthdays and family dinners. She'd catch up with her brother Hanako, who had always favored and spoiled her. She'd be able to watch Ryuu and Kaito grow up, to guide them as they became teenagers one day. Maybe her and Aya could even discuss boys and laugh like they used to, swap makeup tricks like when they were in high school.
She could bake with her dad and discuss recipes for traditional Japanese sweets that would later be served to aunts and uncles. Her and her mom could have deep talks again and have shopping days together. Everyone could be family again. And that sounded amazing—it was all Ava wanted again, although her and her family had disagreements and different views (especially regarding her sexuality), but didn't all families have issues? Issues could be fixed. She could talk to them again.
She missed them.
On the other hand, Ava had her doubts. She always had her doubts. She had every right to; not every life story ends with a happy ending, no matter how much we want it. That's what scared her. Every movie, every movie has some type of resolution and happy ending, but real life wasn't like that. There were many things in life that made it Life and having constant fairytale endings wasn't on that list. She was afraid that, if this happened, everything would get worse and she would lose any chance to get her family back. Because, what if everything played out differently than it did in her head. What if a fight started? What if nothing worked out?
What if she just fucked up again?
Too much change, too much moving fast. She hated herself for being complicated and she hated Life for copying her. It was times like this that she just had some help, in times like this she wish she had...someone that she trusted more than ever to live this with her.
It was impossible, but she just wanted everything to work out and fix itself. She wanted to take the smallest steps and rebuild the foundation she had with her family and help herself and them with some sense of closure, but fear kept creeping up. She wanted to also rekindle the fire she had with Luke and stop it from burning out ever again, and she wanted to open up more and communicate—not just with him but in general. Things were always easier said than done.
"Maybe I'll give it shot," she whispered unconvincingly, the unsureness in her voice certainly there. "I just don't know how."
And she sat there, quietly like a ghost who had come to terms with themselves and finished their echoed wailing, except they weren't quite ready to go to the light. That's what her situation reminded her of right now. Like she was one foot in the golden life, the shining ray of light that she wanted and needed, and the other foot in the gutter–holding her back and pulling her down. In between accepting and moving on. Parts of her knew it was time but something was pleading for her to wait, to stay where she was.
What to do, when you find yourself stuck so unfortunately in between what you want and what you know? How to feel when your choices have high stakes? She sucked in a deep breath and bit her lip.
Tomorrow is always another day.
•••
it gets worse from here good luck
okay so i really like this chapter because —even though i say this for every Ava chapter— i feel like you guys can actually really see who Ava is and what her family is like and how she thinks and what she does when she's alone and her reactions. i feel like Ava has always been more than a 2D character and you're finally cracking her open more and more.
i also put in some Japanese names that i really liked the meaning of and if you went ahead and searched Ava's middle name, there's a reason why i chose that. and i really want to input the culture correctly so i don't whitewash or offend anyone so if you have any information that can help me out or if you have time of answer questions, pm me! (musume = daughter / this is from google translate though so sorry if it's inaccurate.)
this also was just a emotional chapter and a lot of this story does center on Ava's issues and how she needs to fix them although it does contain Luke getting some relationship closure. they're both characters that i feel have come to life and deserve more than lazy writing. and i took a risk inputting politics because some of y'all get butthurt lmao and i don't wanna fight to start in the comment section so if you start you're instantly blocked bye bitch
furthermore do you know how Ava has another job at a fancy club just as a waitress? keep that in mind.
and THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 2.5K! THATS AWESOME. can't believe we've gotten this far. i love you all :)
i have no questions for now but if you have ANY input or things you'd like to share, i'd love to hear it!