"when you look back at the past six months, do you see anything worth to save between this?"
dan's words echo loudly in phil's mind as he rubs a soft towel through his wet hair, his body sinking down into the soft mattress of his bed, his eyes shutting close as he lets the material hang over his head, the damp towel brushing across his skin.
"you don't, and neither do i, so let's stop fucking pretending that we care about this friendship and this bullshit apartment,"
phil takes a deep breath, removing the towel from his head and settling it next to him, his fingers helplessly gripping the blue green duvet that he has had for so long. he leans back against his palms, letting his upper body lay across the familiar bed, his legs dangling off the edge.
the thought of not laying here with a bowl of popcorn or his laptop is strange, revolting even.
his eyes rake across the bright ceiling, the same ceiling he has stared at for hours, passing lonely nights and thoughtful afternoons, seeming to paint all his thoughts on the lone ceiling in invisible colours.
today, when he knows that he'll be leaving, he can see the colours unravel, dripping down from the high walls and landing straight into phil's chaotic mind.
he wants to avoid thinking about all the things that he once thought about, he wants to get rid of this restricting feeling in his chest, like everything he is doing is wrong. each step is like he's walking into a contraption, his chest tightening and mood dropping and thoughts colliding in an endless reverberation.
phil's hands are warm when he presses them against his eyes, hard enough for his vision to become dotted. his face scrunches up in displeasure once he feels the faint sting of the cut on his palm, the one caused due to the glass of the coffee mug digging into his hand.
he was glad dan didn't see him like that, or maybe he did but decided that he didn't care enough to comfort phil. either way, he was glad because god it would have been really hard to not break down in front of the brown haired boy.
phil wasn't sure if he had ever been so heart broken, not even when his first crush rejected his proposal or when his grand father died, or when his long term girlfriend left him, or when his pet rabbit died, or when dan and him broke up.
"this apartment has been full of mistakes,"
he can feel his throat closing up again, the ignorant words digging into his chest like blunt shards, the pain multiplying at the reminder of them being said by someone who he hasn't imagined life without since the past seven years.
leaving dan, this friendship, the whole living together scenario, wasn't supposed to be this hard to let go of. it should have been full of passive comments and hugs and banter, and recalling old memories and planning to create new ones and jokes about forgetting one another.
it wasn't supposed to be the reality, the jokes, as both of them were already trying hard to forget everything they had ever been through. every touch and hug and movie and song. and every kiss and word and book and place. and every time their eyes met and every time they made love to each other and every time they told each other 'i love you'. every heartbreak and day and night and tear. each promise and wish and dream and plan.
they were just trying to forget everything that ever reciprocated between them and god if it wasn't hard.
"phil?" dan's voice was hesitant, like he was testing the waters, his shaky hands gripping the handle of phil's bedroom door, and his teeth digging into his bottom lip as he waited for phil to reply.
"come in," phil sighed. it was so formal, all of this. dan had never in his entire life asked for permission to enter phil's room, and neither had they ever said something so hurtful to each other but that was a different thing.
phil watched as dan pushed open the door, his brown eyes landing over phil's shirtless frame before quickly refraining, his gaze darting away from phil and wandering around the messy room.
phil noticed the way dan's cheeks flushed pink so he decided to end the awkward exchange, quickly getting up and pulling on a random shirt, taking a seat on his bed after he was dressed.
"i just um, wanted to know if you, like how much time it will—do you need any help with getting ready?" dan blurted, running a hand through his hair and phil just sighed, looking away from the younger boy and shaking his head.
"no dan, you've already done enough," he mumbled, his fingers knotting together as both his hands settled in his lap, blue eyes focused intensely on his fiddling thumbs.
phil was feeling so much aggravation, so much anger and annoyance and betrayal, and every possible feeling in the world apart from happiness, and he knew that one look at dan will disarm all sorts of missiles that were churning in his brain and all the damage will be bared by either dan or their downward spiral of a friendship.
he just wanted to get this over with.
he just wanted to get to conclusions, and he wanted to be done with the halfway bullshit. he wanted to know if there was even any scope of friendship left between them, or was he supposed to snap the last straw because it was getting unbearable.
maybe just cutting off all ties with dan would be best for both of them.
"i am supposed to help you, doesn't matter if i've already done enough," dan responded after a while, still not looking at phil, but he was forced to do that after another string of words left phil's mouth.
"why? why are you supposed to help me? i thought you were done with our friendship? if this means nothing to you, then please spare me all the pretentious—" phil stopped midway, clenching his fists tightly, his teeth gritting which made his jaw stick out.
"i-i don't know what you're talking about," dan responded weakly, with no defence, only making phil angrier.
"you don't know? really?" phil was off the bed, ascending towards dan in long strides, face screwed in frustration and fists still clenched.
"why are you making a big deal out of this? i just asked if you needed help! you were the one who offered me being the best ma—"
"i don't fucking care if you're the best man!" phil's hands pushed against dan's chest, not hard enough to cause any damage, but hard enough for dan to feel the emotion in his words. "a best man is a person who is close to you, a person who cares and who is your best friend,"
"you are not my best friend anymore dan, and you obviously don't care, so why are you still keeping up with the act?" phil was completely in dan's face, and dan could feel each syllable echoing in his chaotic mind. without any rational thought, dan pushed phil back, his annoyance boosted by phil's ignorant statement.
"i don't care? you tell that to yourself when you didn't care enough to call once in two weeks to check up on me! and best friend? you are not my best friend either phil, you are just–were just–you're just my ex-boyfriend, and my ex-housemate and nothing else,"
"and i didn't want to be your best man, i don't even like your stupid fucking husban–"
"don't you dare talk about him!"
"oh i will phil, and you can't stop me!" dan screamed, hands pushing against phil's chest much harder than phil pushed him, causing phil to stumble just a little before he pushed dan back.
"i hate your stupid relationship with pj, and i just, i am not even interested in your marriage! i don't care if he has the greenest eyes in the world or if he is the best cuddler, i don't care so don't tell me phil! i don't want to listen how he kisses you or how he takes you on dates because i don't care about that! i don't care about you!" by the time dan is done ranting about pj and phil's relationship, tears are streaming down his face, and more so when phil clenches his jaw and punches dan's cheek.
and then they are fighting, throwing punches at each other and kicking and pulling hair and screaming and it's chaotic. phil's cheek hurts when dan hits him too hard and dan has a busted lip but none of them seem to care as dan rolls on top of phil, raising his fist to punch phil again but he stops when phil covers his face and a whimper escapes his pink lips.
dan's movements immediately still as he draws phil's hands away from his pale face, his fingers pushing phil's dark hair off his forehead and phil just lies there with his eyes closed and breathing erratic.
"a-are you okay?" dan's cold hands press against both of phil's cheeks and phil winces slightly before nodding, opening his eyes to look at dan and god, if dan couldn't go swimming in those eyes.
"s-sorry, i-i don't know w-what i was thinking phil, i'm," dan was rambling, hands leaving phil's cheeks to cover his own face, his legs still on either sides of phil's torso as he cursed under his breath, while phil just sat up, his pale hands gripping dan's waist for support, their chests touching when phil was fully sat up, dan still in his lap.
just like last night.
dan still had his face covered, his lips murmuring incomprehensible curses and phil just sighed out loud, wrapping one of his arms around dan's waist and the other going up and drawing dan's hands away from his face.
"it's okay," phil mumbled reassuringly, gulping slightly at the close proximity as he cupped dan's cheek, running his thumb over dan's busted lip, not pressing hard enough to hurt, but enough to make dan's eyelids fall shut at the sensation.
phil's face was something dan wanted to capture and frame right then, even with the faint bruise forming on the pale skin of his cheek and the slightly busted lip that he had. phil's eyes were so warm right now, kind of like the undisturbed lakes bathing in the sun, and his skin held so much colour, so much emotion and expression and his hair was tousled, the black mess standing up in different directions, some wet strands still plastered to his forehead.
phil's thumb rested still on dan's plump lower lip, even when dan's tongue darted out to wet his dry lips slightly, and dan's fingers were itching against his thighs, wanting to push the hair away from phil's forehead and grab his flushed cheeks to kiss him.
he had nothing to lose, he knew that, and so his body seemed to take the decision, shaky fingers reaching up and brushing against phil's forehead, drawing his hair back, phil's reaction only being a content sigh, his left hand tightening around the curve of dan's waist.
phil didn't protest, even when dan shifted in phil's lap, getting a tad bit closer or when dan's hand traveled from his forehead to his cheek, resting on the back of his neck loosely. they didn't speak for a while, letting the situation sink in as phil's thumb rubbed circles on dan's cheek to significantly soothe the pain and dan's breathing got relatively harder.
"i-i'm sorry for hitting you," phil spoke first, his voice was more of a breath, landing in a hot whisper against dan's lips and dan could feel the goosebumps raise on his skin from the lone action.
"i'm sorry too," he said simply, gulping visibly when phil leaned closer, foreheads touching and chests heaving, the anticipation of the moment was almost too much to handle.
and then their lips touched, a shaky sigh leaving dan's mouth as he gripped phil's shoulders, phil's hand travelling from dan's cheek to the back of his head to force their mouths closer.
it was not how dan expected it to be. there were no butterflies of relief or any rhythm or love or passion. it was only chaotic and desperate as phil pulled him closer, fingertips pressing harshly into dan's hips, the kiss messy and unapologetic.
dan knew phil wasn't in love with him, because if he was, the kiss wouldn't be this harsh, this impersonal, this meaningless. phil would have kissed him softly, hands wrapping around dan's waist to pull him in, and phil's fingers would occasionally travel to dan's cheek or hair to hold him in place. it won't be this short and awkward and distant, and dan wouldn't have his stomach twisting with anxiety and nervousness.
dan pulled away first, quickly trying to catch his breath, hands resting on phil's chest to stop any further movements and phil just stared down at his lap, in regret or guilt, dan couldn't tell.
dan got off him after a few seconds, brushing off his pants and running a hand through his fringe, phil still sitting dumbfounded on the carpet, eyes focused on his lap and hands together, thumbs fiddling.
dan could feel it, the unbearably thick air as he gulped, staring at phil one last time before proceeding to make his way out of phil's bedroom. he knew phil would want to talk about this, maybe even cancel his marriage with pj? who knows. there was still a slight ray of hope in dan's mind, that maybe it's still not too late for phil to change his mind and maybe he could fall back in love with dan.
dan was just delusional, he knew it, but when did it ever hurt to think?
the answer was always, it always hurt to think but dan was unfortunately too far gone to realise.
and before he could go any further away from phil's room, phil was calling his name, making dan freeze in his spot, his hands resting in tight fists against his thighs.
"dan?"
the younger boy only hummed in response, biting his already busted lip anxiously.
"can we not talk about this?" and god dan wondered how many times a person could break his heart.
--
i just remembered i had this story as well?????? anyways thank you for 8k!! this is like 2.5k words long so im pretty content with the length,,
alsO, i'm sorry if this seems a little crappier i've been trying to get back to my style of writing but it seems like i've lost it smh :(
i hope this is still bearable enough to reaD aH,,
thanks for the reassurance galacticphxn