I look over to the other side of the bed as soon as I wake up the next morning to find Kian already gone.
Maybe he is just downstairs or something, I think.
As I head downstairs, I look in the living room: no Kian. The kitchen. No Kian. I search the whole house; he wasn't here anymore. I return upstairs to hop in the shower and start my day, trying not to think about where...or who...he ran off to. My phone beeps on my nightstand as I'm returning from the bathroom with a text from the mystery man:
"Hey thanks for letting me crash at your house last night. Sorry I left so early; Andrea needed me."
I grit my teeth as I reply, "Ofc, np."
I throw myself into the red bean bag in the corner of my room and sulk down into its comforting bean baggy-ness. Kian and I bought this together a few months ago on one of our many trips to IKEA. Every time I see it I think of him. Actually, half of the junk in this room reminds me of him.
The window (for obvious reasons), the little tiger beanie baby he got me, my posters from the 90's shows and bands we loved growing up, my red penny board because we always skate together. The old dusty lamp in the corner of the room that he broke playing basketball inside reminds me of him too. Even the empty can of Arizona Iced Tea in my trash makes me think Kian--it's our favorite drink.
I chuckle and smack my palm to my forehead. "You need to get over him already!"
And as if the universe is giving me a sign not to, my phone beeps again with another text from Kian.
It reads: "I love you" followed by hearts and kiss-y face emoji's. My face starts glowing and I frantically begin to type my answer.
"Really?! Because I've had a crush on you ever since we were really little and-"
Another message sends, interrupting mine. "Oops. That was for Andrea. Sorrryyyyy.😁"
I bite my lip, trying not to cry. Well that didn't hurt.
My doorbell echoes from downstairs and I spring up, half-heartedly expecting Kian to be at my door all doe-eyed and smiley. Much to my disappointment, it's Connor, Jc and Sam.
Connor follows me upstairs as Jc and Sam raid my fridge for breakfast. He immediately can tell something is up, as usual.
"Hey, what happened?" I hid my face.
"Nothing. I'm fine," I mutter.
"Carrie, c'mon. Is it Kian?"
Yes, Connor knows I like Kian. He's the only one of the guys that knows. Kian has no idea I like him...at least I hope not. It would ruin everything. Some things are just better left unsaid.
I close my eyes and nod, unlocking my phone to show him the last of our text thread.
He grabs me in a hug. "Can we talk about this later? Just in case they're listening..."
Connor nods and manages to distract me for an hour until they left. Once the guys are gone with only a trace of dirty dishes to prove that they were here, Connor and I debrief.
"So there's not hope of this crush going away while he's with Andrea?"
I give him a pathetic 'what do you think' smile.
"I don't know what it is about him. But I can't get over him. He's always there for me, ya know? He's been there for me for every hard time I've ever been through; every breakup, every friend drama, every fight with my parents...he gets me like no one else does. He is just-"
We both turn our attention to the window, of which Kian had just jumped through (without giving a warning knock). My heart begins racing.
Why didn't he knock? What had he heard?
"Hey guys what's up?" he asks, flashing us an innocent smile.
"Just can't wait for tonight. We were just talking about it," I cover quickly.
Connor nods and smiles awkwardly in agreement.
"What's tonight again?" Kian asks.
"The party...at your house," I remind him.
"Oh shit! I totally forgot! Guys, I didn't set up for anything...will you help me?"
Connor and I exchange looks. Then we both say yes.
We all pile into my car; Kian in the drivers seat, me in the passengers, and Connor in the back.
"I think that some of the guys are gonna post some videos at the party on O2L," Connor says, trying to make small talk so the situation would get less awkward.
He knows I'd just had a heart attack because I just thought Kian found out.
"Cool," I mutter as I play with the radio stations.
Kian taps his fingers on the steering wheel to the beat of the song I choose.
We drive to the mall in silence the rest of the way. The less I talk, the less abnormal I will sound, so it is a good silence.
*Later that day*
Kian dropped Connor off at his apartment to change for the party later and we drove together to the O2L house alone.
He lives with Ricky, JC and Connor, but they aren't home upon our arrival.
Once we're in the kitchen, Kian hands me some paper plates and plastic cups to set up on the kitchen counter. We set out bowls for all the snacks we got, set up some vibey lights around the house, and hauled their big Bose speaker from the garage out by the pool.
"Alright. I think that's enough food," he says, after placing the final bowl onto the counter.
He mindlessly ran his fingers through his hair. I hold my breath, making sure not to watch for too long.
"What time does this thing start again?" He asks me.
I shrug and look to my hands in my lap. "When I found out, I was told seven-ish."
"Oh, good. We still got three hours. What do you want to do?"
"Well, I haven't eaten anything yet," I suggest.
"Alright. Lets go get some lunch."
He drives us to In n' Out Burger. We order and got a booth in the back.
"Thanks so much for helping me out. If you didn't remind me, I would've been screwed. You're the best."
"It's no problem. What are best friends for?" I smile.
He looks down and his expression suddenly becomes very serious. His eyebrows are furrowed, as if he was in deep thought, and he clears his throat as if he's about to say something important.
"I need to tell you something, Carrie. But I just don't know how to say it."
My heart beats relentless against my rib cage for the twentieth time today.
"Just say it Kian. I'm sure I can handle it."
I can't stop myself from smiling, grinning, glowing. My fingernails are digging into my palms.
"Well, I've been thinking--"
Just before his could spill his secret, they cashier calls out our number. He gets up like a gentleman to get our trays. When he returns, he acts as if nothing happened. We just eat our meals in silence. He finishes before me and throws out his trash before returning to the table. My anxiety is eating away at my appetite, so I follow suit and toss the rest of mine. We get back into the car and I finally break the ice.
"Kian, what were you gonna say? Back in there, you sounded like you were about to spill something really serious..."
"Huh?" He really couldn't remember? It seemed so important twenty minutes ago.
"You said you needed to tell me something important..."
"Oh yeah," He nods. I'm biting my nails.
He stares off at the road and bites his bottom lip. Oh those lips...
"I...I wanted to tell you that uh," he laughs at himself and shakes his head. "I wanted to tell you that I think I'm going to tell Andrea that I love her."
Oh...Andrea...love.
"Why are you telling me this?" It comes out a tad harsher than I'd meant.
"Well, you're my best friend and I don't know how to tell her, so I was hoping you'd help me... I've never done this before. Like, I've texted her it, but it's not the same. I was wondering if you could give me advice or something."
This is a rare side of Kian. A softer side that barely ever came out unless he really cared about someone. "Sorry, but I can't really help you there. I don't have a very good track record with guys. Or love. Or relationships."
Kian wasn't the only boy that I've actually loved. I dated this guy--Michael-- for the last three years of high school. I was in love with him, and I don't fall in love that easy. But Michael and Kian...they're different. Most guys our age have little-to-no respect for girls. They do though. They both are true gentlemen. I want a guy to show that they actually care about me, show that have respect for me, and well, themselves. I rarely find love and when I do, I fall hard.
I hear Kian sigh aloud and I am pulled away from my thoughts.
"Well, you can at least try to help. Right?" He glances at me anxiously.
He is really freaking out about this. I crack a smile to myself, enjoying seeing him so smitten. I just wish it was over me...
But I'm not helping the guy I love tell his girlfriend he loves her.
"Look, Kian...if you don't know how to do it, maybe you're not ready to tell her."
"Come on. Please? I really like her. I think she might be 'the one'," he says, immediately cringing after realizing he sounds really corny.
I clench my teeth and look out the window, so he can't see my expression.
"Do whatever you want, Kian."
I sounded like a complete bitch.
"Alright whatever. Sorry for expecting help from my best friend."
I hurt him, and it hurt me to know that. But he is hurting me too.
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Sorry this chapter was so long, I wanted a lot to be in it. Chp. 3 coming tomorrow!
I think I'll do one chapter everyday, depending on how busy I am.
Bye!😚