Zeke opened his eyes and stretched his arms above his head. He had a mild hangover but felt relatively well. It appeared he had passed out in the corner of the bandits' hideout.
Michelangelo had been extremely pleased when Zeke returned with the Gravity ball trophy. A brief, but solemn ritual had been performed inducting Zeke into the guild, and then somebody had wheeled out a huge barrel of alcohol, whereupon a massive party ensued. Zeke remembered talking to Daedalus and Michelangelo for awhile, as well as flirting with a few pretty women, but he couldn't remember how the night had ended.
"Ah, you're awake, wild man," Michelangelo's voice cut through the silence.
"Uh, yeah, I guess I am," Zeke stretched again and yawned. "What happened?"
"You just tore up the party! I've never seen anything like that. Dancing on the table, swinging from the rafters... You're a party god, Zeke! You even pulled the classic lampshade on the head maneuver, which was particularly amazing since we don't have any lamps in this joint."
"What can I say?" Zeke shrugged sheepishly. "I try to do my best to liven up every occasion. Was I really dancing on the table?"
"You sure were! That was truly an MVP performance. So what are your plans for today? Now that you're a member of the guild you're free to be on your way."
"I'm not really sure," Zeke said as he yawned again. "I guess I should head back to the Galloping Centipede and see if I can meet up with Sarah again. Do you know how to get there?"
"Zeke, son, we bandits have secret tunnels all over this city. One of them happens to lead straight to the lobby of the Galloping Centipede. Lots of rich folk stay there and we feel the need to rob them from time to time. If you want I'll have Daedalus guide you there."
"Gee, thanks, Michelangelo. You're a pretty cool monkey. I'm sorry for locking you up in that cage all the time."
"Don't worry about it, buddy," Michelangelo shook hands with him. "You're one of the brethren now. We take care of our own. If Trevor Mastodon or anyone else gives you any trouble, just let us know and we'll take care of it. In return we may need you to pull a few jobs from time to time, but that goes with the territory when you're a bandit."
"You can count on me, sir," Zeke gave a little salute. "By the way, do you have any aspirin by chance?"
* * *
Before too long Zeke was walking with Daedalus through a dank dimly lit cavern. "How are you feeling today, champ?" Daedalus asked. "You put on quite the show at the party last night."
"So I hear," Zeke said. "I wish I could remember more of it."
"It was one for the ages, my friend. Honestly, I thought you were going to score with Hilda. You had it in the bag until the end, when you took it upon yourself to name her breasts. I think that's where you lost her."
"Who's Hilda?" Zeke crinkled his nose. "I don't remember that at all."
"Yeah? Well, maybe it's for the best. Listen, Zeke, we're almost there. The lobby of the hotel lies just behind that door over there. Anyway, it's been a pleasure. Thanks again for helping me out of that jungle."
"Hey, no sweat," Zeke shook hands with him. "I ain't afraid of no jungles. Anyway, if you want maybe we could hit a bar sometime."
"Sounds good," Daedalus said. "I've got some work to do for now, so I'll see you later." With that Daedalus darted off into the darkness.
"Well, I suppose I'd best be on my way," Zeke said to himself as he pried open the door. "I wonder if Sarah's missed me."
The doorway opened up behind a large potted fern that concealed it from view. Zeke was surprised to find the lobby was completely empty as it was usually bustling with activity of some sort. Even the front desk was unmanned.
His eyes fell upon a shiny metal little box that sat on top of the desk. He walked over to study it closer. "Hey, that's that people zapper thing they hit Vance with earlier." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully and glanced over his shoulder. "Well, I am officially a bandit now. I suppose I ought to live up to my title." He grabbed the box and stuffed it into his pocket.
Suddenly Zeke became aware of a loud commotion outside. He decided to investigate and walked out the front door and was nearly trampled by a charging elephant in the process. He leaped back against the wall and looked around. The scene in front of him was one of utter chaos. Animals of all sorts were running around in random directions, many of them screaming incoherently.
Zeke managed to stop a duck that was passing by quacking hysterically. "Hey man, what's going on."
"They ate the scientist guy!" the duck squeaked as it ran about in circles. "And now the world's going to end tomorrow! At least I think that's what the scientist was trying to say before he got swallowed."
"What are you talking about?" Zeke asked. "What scientist guy? Who ate him?"
The duck stopped in its tracks and assumed a puzzled look on its face. "You know, honestly I didn't really understand what was going on. But once that guy got eaten everyone else started freaking out and, well, it kind of seemed like the thing to do. Anyway I've got to get back to panicking." The duck waddled off and disappeared into the crowd.
Zeke noticed a stage set up a short distance away and decided to head towards it. He'd gotten about halfway there when he bumped right into Max.
"Hey watch it, buddy," Max said turning around angrily and then his face turned pale. "Zeke! Whatever it is I did, I'm sorry! Don't take revenge on me from beyond the grave! I'm too handsome to die!"
"What are you talking about, Max. I'm alive."
"That's not possible!" Max said. "I saw you get hauled off into that jungle. Nobody survives that place. How'd you get out of there?"
"I'm just that good," Zeke said cockily. "So what the hell's going on here anyway?"
"Oh, you missed all the action. That Dr. Octavius guy just got eaten alive by Trevor Mastodon. Literally. He walked up behind him and swallowed him whole."
"What?" Zeke asked. "That's terrible! Where's Sarah? Is she all right?"
"I don't know," Max shrugged. "I sort of lost her in the crowd. Plus, she kind of fired me."
"What did you do, get her drunk and try to have your way with her?"
"Something like that," Max muttered. "Let's just say there were a few differences of opinion on how the case should be run. I'll tell you what, that girl's pretty to look at, but she can be one hell spawned bitch."
"Well, it's understandable she'd be a little upset," Zeke said. "Her uncle is the closest thing she has to a parent. She must be out of her mind right now. We have to find her."
"She never did pay me for my services," Max said. "So you're right. We do need to find her. The only thing is we're going to have a hell of a time finding her in this mess, so I propose we go hit a bar and wait for things to calm down a bit."
"Don't you think we should at least try to look for her?"
"We are going to try to look for her," Max said. "Didn't you hear what I just said? I think we'll be more successful with a few drinks in us."
"I just want to make sure she's all right," Zeke said with obvious concern.
"What the hell are you so worried about anyway?" Max asked. "It's not your uncle that got killed. Come on, don't worry. Worrying will only give you ulcers. Besides, a good alcoholic beverage will do wonders for your nerves."
"All right, fine," Zeke conceded. "Let's go have one drink. But then we really should try to find Sarah."
"Of course," Max said. "She owes me floss. Don't you worry, I'll be tracking her down for sure. Now let's go get our drink on."
They made their way over to Smelly Pete's Tavern and settled into their barstools. They both ordered the special of the day which turned out to be a bitter tasting pink liquid of some sort.
"So it's good to see you again, Zeke old pal," Max said as they clinked their glasses together. "You're going to have to fill me in on this jungle adventure of yours."
"What can I say?" Zeke shrugged as he took a large gulp of his drink. "There were more dangers than most men would care to face, but then I'm not most men. I bravely faced down every challenge that I came across."
"Yeah?" Max asked. "Like what?"
"Well, there were these flowers that tried to kill me."
"Wait a minute," Max coughed. "You were scared of a bunch of flowers?"
"They were really big flowers," Zeke said defensively.
"No offense, Zeke, but that story's really lame. Now I, for one, faced real danger. Like this field full of rocks."
"Rocks?" Zeke asked. "I'd much rather face a bunch of rocks than killer flowers. Your story's worse than mine."
"Hmm. Maybe you're right," Max said. "Say, you up for another round?"
"Of course," Zeke said as he slammed his empty glass on the table.
They ordered two more specials and clinked glasses once again. "Here's to being two of the baddest mamajamas in this town, eh Zeke?" Max asked.
"I'll drink to that," Zeke hoisted his glass. He finished it off in a couple of gulps and slammed his glass back on the bar. "Another?"
"But of course," Max smiled as he set down his glass and ordered another round.
Soon they were sloppy drunk.
"You know Maxwell, old pal," Zeke slurred as he lifted his glass. Liquid sloshed over the side as his hand shook. "A good drinking buddy is a beautiful thing."
"Hear hear," Max hiccupped as he in turn lifted his glass. They tried to clink their glasses together but missed badly.
"It seems like I'm forgetting something though," Zeke pondered meticulously. "Wasn't there something important we were supposed to be doing?"
"What, getting drunk isn't important?" Max asked incredulously as he took another sip and belched loudly. "Drink up and stop thinking so damn hard."
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Zeke zoned out for a moment.
"Hey what are you staring at?" Max asked.
"Huh?" Zeke snapped out of his trance. "Nothing. My head's just spinning a bit." His eyes came into focus for a split second on a heavyset man sitting at the other end of the bar. "Hey, I recognize that guy. That's that weirdo who took me to the disco the first night I was here. Sweaty Jim I think his name was."
Max turned around and squinted as he wobbled in his seat. "Oh yeah, I saw that guy at the titty bar the other night. He pissed Sarah off something good."
"You guys went to a strip club?" Zeke asked.
"Yeah man, it was great! You should have been there!" Max replied.
"Well I was kind of lost in the jungle. Did I mention how I escaped from some killer flowers?"
"Yeah, yeah, I already heard about that 'brave' exploit of yours," Max waved his hand dismissively. "Say, I've got an idea."
"Ah, do share, Maxwell old chum," Zeke said as he gulped down his drink.
"Speaking of strip clubs, wanna go to one?"
"Right now?" Zeke asked.
"Yeah. Why not?"
"Eh, I don't know," Zeke looked down at his empty glass.
"What's the matter with you?" Max asked. "After your ordeal with those horrible jungle flowers you deserve a visit to the strip club. No, I'll be so bold as to say you require a strip club."
"You think so?" Zeke asked.
"I know so," Max said boldly as he teetered in his seat. "In fact, Dr. Max prescribes a healthy regiment of lap dances. That ought to solve your problems. Come on, I know a good place nearby!"
"All right, I'm game." Zeke stood up but had to grab the edge of the bar to keep from falling over.
"That's the spirit," Max said as he downed the last of his drink and slammed his glass on the bar. This seemed to attract Sweaty Jim's attention as he glanced over with a look of recognition in his eyes.
"Oh no," Zeke groaned. "That weird fucker's coming over here. He'll probably want to tag along. I don't really want to hang out with him."
"Don't worry," Max wiped his mouth with his arm. "I can handle people like this with my eyes closed."
"Hey guys, what are you doing?" Sweaty Jim said with a bit of a puppy dog tone in his voice.
"Wouldn't you like to know," Max sneered.
"Hey pal, remember me?" Sweaty Jim addressed Zeke.
"Uh, yeah," Zeke said noncommittally and avoided eye contact.
"Boy we sure had a great time the other night, didn't we? We should do that again sometime. What are you guys doing right now?"
"Nothing," Zeke put his hands in his pockets and stared at his shoes.
"We're working on a top secret government project that's no concern of yours, buddy," Max said indignantly.
"Really?" Sweaty Jim asked. "Cool! Can I come along?"
"Of course not!" Max shouted. "Everyone knows fat guys are bad luck! Now get on out of here before someone gets hurt."
"Aw, come on!" Sweaty Jim pleaded. "I can keep a secret! Let me help you out!"
Max looked around in a conspiratorial fashion and lowered his voice. "You really want to help? All right. I've got an important reconnaissance mission and you're just the man for the job. What I need you to do is go into the stall in the women's bathroom and count slowly to one million. Once you're finished run as fast as you can to the nose hair clinic on the north end of town. You'll receive further instructions once you get there."
"The stall in the women's bathroom?" Sweaty Jim repeated. "Shoot, I was just in there twenty minutes ago checking up on some surveillance equipment."
"I don't care about your petty little personal hobbies," Max snarled. "What I need is a man I can trust to get the job done! Now are you in or are you out?"
"I'm in, Sir!" Sweaty Jim saluted and ran off into the women's bathroom.
"That ought to keep him busy for awhile," Max cracked his knuckles. "Now let's get to that strip club!"
* * *
The fresh air sobered Zeke up a little bit, although he was still slightly unsteady on his feet as they approached the entrance to "The Merry Mammary." They had apparently spent quite some time at the bar because it was beginning to get dark outside and the streetlamps were coming on.
"You're going to love this place," Max said enthusiastically as he approached a small window situated by the doorway. "Once you pay your entrance fee, all the lap dances are free! Isn't that great? Two please," he spoke into the window.
"That'll be thirty strands of floss," an attractive young chipmunk responded.
"Pay the woman, will you, Zeke?" Max asked.
"Uh, all right," Zeke stuttered as he pulled out a canister and peeled off the floss. Max put his arm around Zeke's shoulder and ushered him in.
Zeke was surprised to see a large mostly empty room save for a few wilted plants scattered here and there. Additionally a bunch of folding chairs were set up in a circle and were occupied by numerous male creatures staring expectantly towards the middle of the circle. A doorway in the back of the room with a beaded curtain led off to an adjacent hallway, but there didn't seem to be a stage anywhere. Oddly enough, Zeke didn't see any women in the room either.
"What the hell is this place?" Zeke asked.
"Just relax, the girls will be out in a moment," Max assured him. "This place operates under its own set of rules."
They found a couple of empty chairs and took a seat. Zeke twiddled his thumbs and watched the room spin around from his alcohol buzz as he waited for something to happen.
Finally a baboon with a waxed handlebar mustache walked into the middle of the circle and picked up a microphone. "Good evening gentlemen, and thanks for coming out to the Merry Mammary today. The ladies will be joining us momentarily, but first let's take this opportunity to get to know each other better. We're all friends here, right? Let's go around the circle and say our names, a little something about ourselves, and why we're here today. How about we go ahead and start with you, sir." He pointed the microphone at Zeke.
Zeke looked around confusedly. "What, is this some kind of joke? I don't want to introduce myself."
"Don't be bashful, sir," the baboon said. "Here, stand up, take the microphone and tell us your name."
"Uh, I'm not really comfortable with this," Zeke shook his head.
"Go on," Max encouraged him. "I told you this place operated under its own rules. Just introduce yourself."
"Generally when it comes to things like strip clubs I prefer to maintain my anonymity," Zeke said.
"Nobody's judging you," Max said. "Stop being so damn self-conscious all the time, for fuck's sake!"
"We're waiting, sir," the baboon nudged him again with the microphone.
"All right, all right!" Zeke said exasperatedly as he stood up and took the microphone. "My name's Zeke, I'm twenty-five years old, and I guess I'm here to ogle naked girls like the rest of you." He handed the microphone back to the baboon and sat down.
"There, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Max asked.
"What do you mean?" Zeke asked. "That was fucking humiliating!"
"Aw, you baby," Max said. "Sounds like you need another drink. Your inhibitions are still way too high. The cocktail waitress should be by in a bit."
The microphone made its way around the circle and all the other patrons took their turn introducing themselves. Finally it came around to Max. He stood up proudly and cleared his throat. "Hello, my name's Maximillian J. Toad. I'm a private investigator and I'm here on official business working on a very important case. And, I might add, you perverts should all be ashamed of yourselves. Thank you." He handed the microphone back and sat down.
The baboon smiled as he accepted it back and the lights suddenly dimmed. "Now without any further ado, here come the ladies!"
Loud throbbing music suddenly permeated the air as a line of scantily clad women paraded out from the doorway in the back of the room. Zeke's eyes were instantly drawn towards a blonde woman who was clearly human in appearance and wore a figure-flattering low cut red dress.
"Wow, she's gorgeous," Zeke gulped. "A lap dance from her might make that damn introduction session worthwhile."
"Yeah, maybe you'll get lucky and she'll take a liking to you," Max winked.
Zeke continued to stare at the blonde but slowly became aware of a presence hovering nearby him. He turned his head to see a decidedly rotund beast that looked something like a cross between a cow and a warthog, with the emphasis on warts as she had several hairy ones growing on her face. She had long stringy black hair and wore a loud pink feather boa over a tight-fitting purple leotard that accentuated her rather flabby physique and enormous, low-hanging breasts. She had large lips caked with bright red lipstick and she also emitted a faintly pungent odor.
"Well, well, my goodness," she said loudly. "What do we have here? You're a cutie, aren't you?"
"Uh, hi," Zeke said quietly.
"So, big boy, you look like you could use you a good lap dance. Well don't you worry. Old Bertha will take care of you good."
Max nudged him with his elbow and smiled. "Looks like you've got a live one here, tiger."
"Uh, I'm okay right now," Zeke said. "We just got here and I'm kind of getting settled in. I want to look around for a bit. Maybe later, okay?"
"Come on, don't be bashful sugar plum," Bertha ran her hands roughly through his hair. "I know, let's get you something to drink. Get you nice and relaxed." She summoned the cocktail waitress, who brought a bright green drink in a small shot glass.
Zeke accepted the drink and swallowed it in one gulp. "Thanks," he said as he wiped his lips with the back of his hand.
"Did you like it, sweetie cakes?" Bertha purred. "It's my own special concoction. I call it the love potion."
"It was a passable alcoholic beverage," Zeke conceded.
"Now, let's get you into the back for some private time. What do you say, figgy pudding?"
Zeke was pretty drunk but this woman was still not even close to attractive. "No thanks."
"Oh no you don't be rejecting me," Bertha put her hands on her hips and looked at him sternly. "Now come on, sugar lips, let's head on to the back room." She grabbed hold of his arm and began tugging on him.
"I'm sorry, I'm sure you're a very nice person, but I don't want a lap dance right now," Zeke said as he wrenched his arm free.
"Look honey blossom, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way. Either way you's coming with me."
Max turned and glared at Zeke. "What are you doing? Go with the woman, for fuck's sake!"
"I don't want to go with her," Zeke whispered.
"Why not?"
"Look at her. Jeez, why is it the least attractive strippers in the joint always come straight to me?"
"What's the matter with you?" Max asked. "I never realized you were so shallow. Now me, I'm a shallow bastard, but I expected better from you."
"I'm gonna give you five seconds to come with me before I pick up your cute behind and throw you over my shoulder," Bertha said while wagging her finger in Zeke's face.
"Is there some problem here?" the baboon came over and put his hand on Zeke's shoulder.
"Yeah," Zeke said. "I politely refused this woman's demands to give me a lap dance but she won't leave me alone."
"Is this true?" the baboon asked Bertha.
"I asked him over and over but he be rejecting me," Bertha complained.
"Sir, are you aware that lap dances are ladies choice here at the Merry Mammary?" the baboon asked Zeke.
"Ladies choice?" Zeke crinkled his nose in confusion. "What the hell does that mean?"
"It means if a lady asks to give you a lap dance you have to go with her," the baboon explained.
"What?" Zeke asked. "That's ridiculous! I paid good floss to get in here, I should get to decide whether or not I want a lap dance!"
"I'm sorry sir, but it's house policy. Now are you going to go with the lady or do I have to call over the bouncer to rough you up? We just hired Bruiser over from Ned's Discotheque. He's very good at what he does."
Zeke looked over to see a familiar rhinoceros glaring at him from the front entranceway. "Can I at least have a couple more drinks first?"
"Come on, honey pumpkin," Bertha said as she grabbed his arm again and pulled him to his feet. "I'm gonna show you a real good time."
"Help," Zeke called out meekly as she led him towards the beaded curtain.
"You can't argue with house policy," Max shrugged as the blonde woman Zeke had been eyeing earlier came over and sat in Max's lap.
Bertha led Zeke through the doorway and into a dimly lit back room with black walls and thick green shag carpeting. There were several private booths situated throughout the room, but Bertha led him past them towards another door.
"Where are we going?" Zeke asked.
"Oh, we's going to a very special room, cutie bear," Bertha replied as a stream of thick translucent liquid dripped from her long snout.
"I'm feeling a bit light headed," Zeke said as he clutched at his temples.
"That's because you's all flushed with excitement," Bertha said as she opened the door and led him through.
Suddenly they were outside on the street behind the club. "Huh? What's going on?" Zeke asked woozily.
Bertha pulled out a time card and ran it through a machine on the back wall. "I'm getting off my shift. Now we's going back to my place for a real special lap dance. Mmm mmm mmm. I can't wait to get you in my bed, ginger bread. You look good enough to eat. And don't you be thinking about going to sleep on me. We's gonna be up ALL night." She pulled him up close and rubbed his arm with her hand.
The hot putrid stench of her breath wafted into his nostrils and something snapped in his brain. He pulled himself free violently, pushed her to the ground, and took off running down the street in a mad panic.