“Ginny, where are you” I was asking loudly, giving a glimpse into every dressing room.
“The last one” I heard wanly voice coming from the end of the narrow, full of mirrors hall.
“What do you think, is Corry gonna love this?” She asked, giggling, turning around, so as she could see herself better.
I looked at her Leopard-print, tweed, mini dress and couldn't believe my own eyes.
“I thought that, this is not your style” I said, trying not to hurt her, by saying what I meant to, which was: you look cheap!
“Well yes, but I want to look gorgeous for Corry tonight. You know we go to that…what was its name, club”
I totally forgot about that night!
“Try something like this” I said, pointing at a black, above knee length dress.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Erika, with tones of clothes in her hands appeared, screaming
“70% Sale, guys come on”
There, like a paradise for every shopaholic, were tones and tones of fashionable clothes, with prices below £10. I started looking something, which was my size,(I'm 10 by UK) but I couldn't find any. Who was the sale for, anorexic models? – I was thinking, as I walked out that store, disappointed.
On the other side of the street, the guys were gladdening about the sale at Nike's store.
Surprisingly, John didn't enter the store, he was waiting outside, looking at the green grass. Nike was his favorite brand, he was always dressed head to toes with Nike. I crossed the little, narrow path, coming close to him. I hugged him from behind, which surprised him.
“Hey sunshine” He said cheerfully, putting his lovely smirk. He took big, deep, breath, and just pecked my lips. It was more than unusual for me. Whenever I hugged him, he was kissing me, little make out kind of, but now he just touched my lips, lifelessly. I looked him straightly in his beautiful glowing, hazel eyes, but he looked away. He was hiding something.
Why was he acting so strange?
I wanted to find out, to ask him, but Erika took my hand and pulled me away with the excuse “Sale in H&M”
I was trying on a gently flared, lace dress which cost only £5.99.
“You look stunning” Melissa was screaming and hugging me. “You should totally take it” she added.
The problem was, I had no space in my coffer, I hardly zipped it at the beginning.
“I can't. I have no space in my coffer, not at all” I said, making a sad face.
“Well I have, so you can put it there” she said and grabbed the dress.
After I paid my dress, I and my best friends, except Erika, who was probably making out with Cam, somewhere, went to another store; I was barely feeling my feet. I was exhausted and I needed sleep, also I was starving, but except shop windows, there was nothing where I could buy something to eat. Finally, after a half an hour, we got back to the buses.
John was very strange, he was speechless and moody all the time and when I asked him something, he just gave me laconic answers, like when I asked him what was wrong he just said “Nothing”, or when I asked if he had bought anything, he said “No”. He didn't even asked, if I have bought anything.
In front of me, was siting Alex, all by himself. I used the chance, when John went to see Corry, and started fondling his locks. He turned around and grinned me, while I whispered “Lovely locks”
I went to bed as soon as I got to my room, but I couldn't sleep; I told Erika that John was acting strange, and she just murmured something, which was strange for her too. She was always loud, miss ’I have opinion about everything’ and now, she was just frothing.
“Erika what are you hiding from me?” I asked her, raising the tone of my voice.
“Nothing” she said confused.
“You are my best friend, now tell me! You know something about John” I yelled.
“His parents are getting divorced” she said quietly, but still with confusion and diffidence in her voice.
“I know, he told me that, what else” I yelled even harder.
“Jen, I can't! I promised him I won't tell you. I just can't!” she said, while tears were falling on her cheeks.
I've never seen Erika crying. She always kept the pain deep in herself. It was something serious.
“Erika, please, I am upset! “I said while I wrapped my hands around her.
“ Yesterday, I was not with Cam, I was with John; he told me that he has to break up with you because he will leave, and he doesn't want you to suffer for him. So one day before the day he is going to leave, he is going to make you feel bad, hurt, so as you will hate him so much that, you won't suffer long, for guy like him. He doesn't yell at Alex for hitting on you anymore, because he wants you to be happy with someone that can take care of you, with who, you can be safe, not someone miles away! That’s why he let Alex near you today. That’s why he sat behind Alex, which was why he left you alone with him, with an excuse to see Corry.” She said, without taking breath, holding her mouth with her hands, crying even harder. “I'm sorry” she said through tears.
I was so shocked, that I felt strong headache.
“Why would he like to break up with me?” I asked her quietly.
“He is leaving on the other side of the city. He told me that you deserve someone near you every day, and he won't be able to be that guy. Look he loves you, I don't acquit his behavior, but” She said, trying to whip the tears with her hands.
I was all in tears. I've never felt so cheated before; I couldn't stop crying, so I went to the toilet and locked the door. I relied on the white sink and started crying even harder.
Why? Why is he such a jerk? If he loved me, he wouldn't do this to me. We would find some solution, we would be like, couple on distance or something, like in the movies; but no, he won't be able to flirt with every chick in the new school.
What kind of idiot I am? How could I be so stupid? He doesn't love me. Alex is the one that does love me. I am sick and tired of this game. I will end this thing right now- I was thinking.
“I will end this right now”- I shouted, looking at my reflection at the mirror.
I unlocked the door, and saw Erika sitting on the floor.
“I'm begging you, don't; he is going to kill me! Literally!” she shouted, trying to pull me away from the entrance door.
“Erika, let me go!” I brawled at her, but she wouldn’t listen.
“No!” she shouted. “I can't let you do that. He loves you, don't be stubborn” she was yelling, trailing my hand with her entire straight.
I somehow, succeed to evade, so running like a fool, I knocked on John's room, which was on the upper floor.
John opened the door, and I came in calmly. He was sitting on his bed, looking at me with confusion. He was wearing gray denim, slim- fit jean , blue t-shirt with printed motif ‘I am awesome’ and gray hoodie. I loved him, I could forget about everything, and kiss him so bad, but there was something in my head saying: He is swindler.
I tried to sound as calm as I could, but it was hopeless. I couldn't control myself; I started yelling
“Let's over this right now. Why are you with me, if you don't love me at all? How can you be like that?”
He interrupted me, raising his eye brow. “What are you talking about? Are you mad or something?”
“Don't act like you don't know. Erika told me. What kind of idiot do you think I am? I hate you, hate you more that everything. Are you satisfied? And please, stop, stop with your lies. You want to break up with me, do it as a man! I hate you, you bastard. I don't love you, not anymore. You are an ass!” I yelled so hard and slammed the door. I was standing in the hall, relied on the wall, crying without voice, because I didn't have any; it was rasp again. John opened the door; he wasn't crying. He came close to me, but I took step backward.
“What should I do? I love you! I do love you Jennifer, but I am leaving, I wanted to stay here, but my mom doesn't have enough money, so we are going to the ward where poor people live; I don't want you to come there, God knows what would they do to you?!” He said angrily, losing his temper, kicking the wall with his leg.
“I asked my mom, she agreed that you can live with us” I said disappointed, with pity in my voice.
“I can't let her alone. Try to understand me” He said, and a tear fell on his cheek.
I turned away, ready to go, but he pulled my hand, asking:
“I guess it is over” he said and wrapped his arms around my waist. “Please, kiss me, for the last time” he whispered on my ear.
It was the moment when I felt, what I've never felt before. I felt my skin is tingling; I wanted that moment to last forever. Even though I wanted to cry, like a little girl, I couldn't; I was not a kid anymore.
“…And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry…”[1]
I touched his lips, for the last time; I felt shivers down my back, when he gently touched my waist, for the last time. I felt the precious smell of his, for the last time. His hugs, his look, his smell, his words, his voice, his touch, his mulishness, his kisses, the way he talks, the way he dress, his moans… I felt them for the last time. No more John. No more love! Why God, why am I not made for love?
I was walking down the stairs, devastated, I was crying like never before. I saw Erika, sitting on the stairs, crying on Cam's shoulder.
“Jen, what happened?” She asked me, as she saw me walking down the stairs.
“Nothing Eri. We broke up. It is over!” I said, and continued walking down the stairs.
I unlocked the door, and laid on my bed, prostrated. I was depressed, broken, riven.
I didn't have John anymore. All the time, I thought I hadn't love John, but I realized that I did. He was the guy I was in love with, the guy whose kisses made me happy, whose hugs made me safe, whose words made my day. He was the one. But it was too late. We weren't meant to be.
“I gotta feeling, that tonight's gonna be my good night” I heard Ginny singing. I wish I could say that too.
She stopped singing, the moment she saw me, lying on the bed, with my head on the pillow.
I had one song stuck in my minds. I kept repeating to myself
“…I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I put my hands up,
I'll do everything different,
I'll be better to you;…” [2]
It was the last night of our excursion, so the students organized big party in one night club. Of course everyone put on the highest heels, the shortest dresses and tones of make up for the, I'd say, massive circus of party.
I was still in my pajama's singing ‘I'll be waiting’ quietly, while everybody was ready to go.
Erika was wearing deep blue silky dress, which had little blue sequences and beige heels, while Ginny was wearing the black dress that she had bought today. Melissa was wearing, a beautiful black, lace mini dress and black flats, while I was wearing my Victoria's secret's, racerback, floral, pajamas.
“Jen, even though you are depressed, come with us, at least you will feel better” Erika told me, when she saw me, looking at my new dress.
“I bought this dress for him. Who should I wear it for now?” I whispered and tears started rolling on my cheeks.
“For yourself; come on, the old Jen didn't care about that, she had self-confidence, come on, wear it and let's go” Ginny said cheerfully.
“I don't know guys.” I said and looked at my dress. It was so beautiful; it was pity not to wear it.
“I don't accept no for an answer.” Melissa told me and hugged me.
“Fine, you go, I'll come for fifteen minutes” I jumped out the bed and started applying some foundation.
“That's the spirit” Ginny said and left the keys on the desk. “Don't forget to lock” she reminded me.
I had no time. The club was about 5 minutes fast walking from the hotel, so it meant I had ten minutes to get ready.
I put on the dress, some mascara and little bit of black eye shadow. I sprayed” Givenchy play” on my neck, arms and hair, and I was ready to go. It took me five more minutes to find the flats, which were under the bed.
When did I leave them there?
I was running, so I could get on time, but fortunately I wasn't the only one who was late. There was a line of students waiting to enter the club.
As soon as I entered the club, I looked for John. It was easy to find him; he was sitting by the server, with his head relived on his hand, holding his glass of Jack Daniels in the other.
If you knew how much I miss you already- I was thinking as I tried to find Erika, Ginny or Melissa in the crowd.
But there, in the middle of the crowd, my look stopped and stayed fixed. Another surprise, but bad one, or should I say, another come-down; Alex and Brittney making out!
Yes, I am much better now! What a good night!
Alex, he stabbed me too! He told me he loves me, but I see, that he doesn't. I am officially a big fail in love! Oh Scheisse! How could he do this to me? What am I? – I was thinking as I was running to the exit door. I stopped near the women toilets to have a rest, where I saw Erika and Melissa.
“Alex is smooching with that…with Brittney” I yelled, so they could hear me.
“What? Alex? Yours Alex?” Erika said in shock.
“Yes” I shouted.
I couldn't stand it anymore; the smoke, the loud music, the laughing, the smell of cheap perfumes mixed with alcohol, so I ran outside, near the beach; I needed some time to calm down, to be alone (I was alone, if I omit the in- love couples who were making out on the beach).
I sat on the cold, big rock on the beach, put down my head, and started crying. I've never felt so bad. It was the top of my adversity.
“Jennifer, are you ok?” I heard familiar male voice. I lifted my head and saw Corry; He was looking at me with a pity. I've never realized how cut he was. He was wearing simple, light blue shirt, dark blue, slim-fit jeans and two waxed -cord made of bracelets.
“John's devastated too. Why are you doing this to yourself?” he asked me. I didn't answer, I thought it was rhetorical question.
“Go there, find him and kiss him, kiss him so good, he would realize his mistake. He wants you to” Corry said, tapping my shoulder. “Go” he repeated.
I would blame it on my bad-luck, my confusion, or emotional volatility, but as soon as he said that, I ran back to the club, ran to the mini bar and put my tongue in John's mouth. I thought he was going to back off and push me away, but despite my expectations, he wrapped his arms around my waist, and kissed me back. I sat on his lap, and bit his down lip. He gently bit my lip too and then we started making out.
I was making out with John! Again!
Suddenly, realizing what I have done, I draw off saying “I'm so sorry”. He grinned and said “I suppose this is the last kiss”
I gave him the biggest smirk and hugged him, whispering to his ear “Please let me hug you. I love you”
“You can hug me all night babe, it is all ours. I will always love you, know that, no matter what, I will love you” he whispered back.
I didn't care if I looked like a big baby, in a silly way, or funny.
I was in my boyfriend's, I meant ex-boyfriend's hugs, those hugs that kept me safe, and for once I didn't care about Alex!
[1] Part of “Big girls don't cry” by Fergie
[2] Part of “I'll be waiting” by Adele