Maine, alam kong maraming beses na sa buhay akong naging lampa.
Noong bata ako, lagi akong natatapilok sa hagdan, minsan nadudulas kahit hindi naman madulas ang sahig, madalas rin nadadapa sa kalsada at nagkakasugat sa tuhod.
But the moment I ran and bolted out the door after Sam came to my room to tell me that you've been in an accident and that you were likely not going to survive, after I almost wrecked the elevator buttons because none would come fast enough to get me to where you are, after I decided to just take the stairs, I felt my knees give way to the ground as it finally sunk on me that I might lose you any moment now. It felt like I have lost each and every single reason to remain standing.
Maine, wag mo akong iwan ng ganito. Maine, hindi ko 'to kaya. Maine. Hindi ko 'to kaya.
Maine, pag nawala ka sa buhay ko, hindi na ako makakabangon ulit.
When I finally mustered every single ounce of my remaining strength to find the way to the Emergency Room, I almost kicked the door open even though I knew the operation was ongoing and that they were trying all their best to save you. I was no longer in my right mind. I can no longer think straight. When I saw a glimpse of your face covered with blood, I lost it. I ran so that I could embrace you but the doctor and the nurses stopped me in time before I could even reach you, pushing me out of the room with all their might.
"Dr. Faulkerson, she is in a very critical state right now, we are doing what we can do,"
"Doc, gusto ko lang siya makita...she's going to be my wife...she's my wife....Doc parang awa niyo na, please, papakasalan ko pa si Maine...gusto ko lang siya makita...Doc..."
All of a sudden, Jerald entered the Emergency room and wrapped his arms around me so he could drag me outside and also so he could comfort me and keep me from breaking down completely.
"RJ, pare..."
"Je, si Maine....ang dami daming dugo, Je...JERALD YUNG ASAWA KO...PARE KAILANGAN KO SIYANG MAKITA...HINDI PWEDENG MAWALA SI MAINE! JE MAMAMATAY AKO. JE, SI MAINE..."
Maine, buong buhay ko, hindi ko pa nakitang umiyak si Jerald, pero sinamahan niya akong lumuha, sinamahan niya akong masaktan at inakay niya ako sa waiting area noong medyo kumalma na ako ng konti.
Sam came a few minutes later to hand me the contents of your bag retrieved from the scene where the accident happened. Even Sam's eyes were red from crying and I know that just like Jerald, he was hurting for me too. He sat on my left while Jerald sat on my right, the two of them respectfully watching me fall apart, silently holding me together on all sides so that I would not go completely crazy from worry and sadness and pain, just like what they've always done in all the years of our friendship. Sam also gently handed me a small ziploc bag containing your personal items—your wristwatch, your earrings and the diamond ring that I've given you, coated in blood.
There was a little pink journal full of your entries from when I left a year ago all the way until the present.
RJ,
Hahaha, I just named my brand-new journal after you! I know we've just burned my old diary (along with the letters you wrote to Ria) a few days ago in El Nido, so today, after I drove you and dropped you off at the airport for your flight to Ohio, I went to a bookstore to buy this. Don't worry love, I'm done writing sad words and painful letters. This time around, I'm writing down all of my happy dreams for our future. This will be a record of all my plans for our wedding and I can't wait to read this with you on our wedding night, and on all of the anniversaries we are going to celebrate. RJ, kapag pinabasa ko na sa'yo to, I hope you would know and feel how thankful I am for all of the memories we've made and those we still keep on making. Tinutukso mo ako kanina sa Skype na maga yung mata ko from crying so much pero kapag ikaw umiyak habang binabasa mo 'to, HU U KA SAKIN. So don't cry, okay? I really hate seeing you cry, RJ. More than anything else, thank you for making me look forward to a beautiful future with you. I hope this small journal would be proof of how I can't wait to be your bride, your wife, mother to your kids. This is how excited I am. This is how much I long to spend the rest of my life with you. This is how much I love you, Richard Faulkerson Jr.
PS: For your eyes only, okay?
Maine
At 4:16 PM, they pronounced you dead.
At 4:16 PM, you left me and my life will never be the same again, Maine.
At 4:16 PM, the world lost all its colors.
When they finally allowed me to see you, I felt my whole life draining away from me as I stare at your bruised and broken body. I remember all the times I've made love to you, all the moments you've allowed me to admire you in all of your beauty, and it's so unbearably painful that all of that beauty is gone now—unmoving, cold, lifeless.
Para akong mabubulag sa sobrang sakit, Maine. Dumilim ang buong mundo ko. Ayoko ng makakita ng kahit anong liwanag. Gusto ko na lang pumikit at sumama sa'yo. Wag mo akong iwan. Isama mo ako kahit saan, Maine.
So today I was thinking of whether I want a Beach or a Church wedding, and RJ, it's so hard to decide because I want to walk the aisle and experience a solemn ceremony with you before the Lord, but at the same time I also dream of walking barefoot on a beach and hear you say I DO as the sun rises in the background. Where do you want to get married, RJ?
Papakasalan kita kahit saan, Maine. Papakasalan kita ng paulit-ulit.
I was looking at wedding gowns the entire week and suddenly I can COMPLETELY understand the perennial dilemma of all my clients. CHOOSING WHAT TO WEAR ON YOUR WEDDING DAY IS SERIOUSLY SO DAMN HARD, RJ. Grabe pala talaga. But it's a beautiful problem, love, and I'm still grateful. Because you've already assured me that all I have to do is show up. Should I really wear a white T-shirt on our wedding day?
Niyakap kita ng mahigpit. Ang lamig lamig ng katawan mo, Maine. Mahal, eto na yung favorite jacket mo, gumising ka na, please. Parang awa mo na, yakapin mo ako ulit, Maine. Mahal na mahal kita. Nangako ka sa akin na habang buhay mo akong sasamahan matulog sa gabi at bumangon tuwing umaga. Kahit na ano ibibigay ko, Maine, gumising ka lang.
Parang paulit-ulit din akong pinapatay noong pinipilit kung hanapin yung tibok ng puso mo, tulad ng lagi kong ginagawa tuwing pagkatapos nating ibigay ang sarili natin sa isa't isa, at ngayon, wala na akong marinig. Wala na. Wala ka na talaga. Iniwan mo na talaga ako, Maine.
All my memories of you and everything you' ve ever told me came rushing to me like a flood and I tried so hard to hold on to all the glimpses of you that I remember.
I see you holding my hands in El Nido and telling me:
"You can survive this, RJ. You will become an even more excellent doctor and you will help a lot of kids. And I will always die a little every day too, whenever I miss you, but I will always, always be so proud that you are strong enough to do this."
I see your eyes lighting up with the brightness of a thousand stars when we were at the top of the world on the day you said that you have chosen me too, the day you accepted me as your boyfriend . I see the moment you've tearfully but bravely said yes to marrying me the day I came back home to you. I see us kissing and holding on to each other at the backseat of my car just before the sunrise on our first day as a couple and you asking me to promise you that I will always begin no matter what.
Eternal beginnings.
Maine, paano ako magsisimula ulit ngayong wala ka na?
I held your hand. The 27 bones that hold my world together are all broken now.
I reached for the diamond ring from the pocket of my jeans and for the second and last time, I slipped it on your finger.
There would be no one else, love. I promised you this before and I still promise you this now:
Kahit ilang beses ako magsimula, ikaw at ikaw pa rin, Maine.
Ikaw lang hanggang huli.
Note: Opo hindi ko na nilagay na Author's note kasi I wouldn't dare call myself an author at this point sa sobrang basura nitong fic na 'to hahaha sorry. #PeykAuthor. Uunahan ko na kayo—isa akong pashnea. Handa naman po akong ma-bash pero easyhan niyo lang mga bes kasi may dalawang chapter pa and huhuhu hindi nga kasi talaga ito angst...okay sabi ko nga shut up na lang ako. Utang na loob wag niyo ako itiwalag sa fandom juskolord.