I SNAPPED OUT of my slumber as quickly as I could and answered the phone call, my heart still pounding. It wasn't only the fact that she was calling, that dream left me anxious and preoccupied.
We spoke briefly, but I managed to quickly confess that I was jealous, that I missed her and even got a bit emotional towards the end. If she had given me three more seconds, I would have probably told her that I loved her hopelessly and maybe even propose.
Geez! I wished I had a little more experience in that whole being-in-love situation because even while drowsy, I sounded desperate. She agreed to keep in touch with me which I thought was progress; her tone was still somewhat distant and made me wonder if we were on the same page. I put my negatives thoughts aside once more and decided to get excited because she called me back and that had to mean something.
I curled back under the covers and drifted peacefully back to sleep.
*
THE ACTUAL TOUR started four days later in Cardiff and luckily went much better than in my nightmare.
When we arrived in Austria for the third date of the tour, Jennifer joined us. For the first time in our band history, Niall was the only one that had a real relationship and was even getting married. It was surreal. He had always been the eternal bachelor, a bit like me but worse because I had a couple of girlfriends here and there while he played the field and I got all the bad press. The fact that Louis and Eli had broken up was hard to believe, and then, Sophia and Liam were on the rocks too. Not to mention that my love life was pathetic and nonexistent.
The following weeks were very busy travelling across Europe, performing and doing interviews. We were used to having that rhythm while on tour and the adrenaline that ran through our bodies kept us going almost unstoppably. Being on stage becomes rather addictive after a while and I wouldn't trade it for anything else, but we were starting to feel the exhaustion of almost five years of that nonstop lifestyle of touring and recording almost in a loop. After Zayn left the band, we grew closer deciding to stick together and carry on.
It worked really well for a while, but I guess the stress from the pressure we were putting on ourselves was affecting us deeper than we were willing to accept. We started talking about taking a break, at least a long vacation. The only one who seemed more reluctant to the idea was Louis, little did he know how much his life was about to change.
Liv and I kept in touch during that time, but not as often as I would have wished. The time difference was not helping us and she seemed somewhat distant, although she always answered when I called her or send her a message. I was pretty much hanging all my hopes on one line she said to me that night at Jack's house: "I like you so much, H." I was back at secondary school apparently, getting excited about a girl who said she liked me.
The American leg of the tour was approaching and I was expecting we could work things out by then and was also planning a way to surprise her on her birthday. Showing up unannounced was probably what she would expect from me. I had to do something that caught her off guard and impressed her.
Someone knocked on my room's door, I opened it to find Louis and Liam standing in the hallway, both of them grinning at me.
"We have it, mate!" Liam gently patted me on the chest as he walked past me and into the room followed by Louis.
"This is brilliant Haz! You're gonna love it!" Louis assured to me as he took a seat on one of the chairs in my room.
"What are you even talking about?" Standing in front of them in my boxers, I had no clue what they were so excited for.
Liam pulled his phone out of his back pocket and placed it on the coffee table, "Just listen," he simply stated, pressed play, and a track I've never heard before killed the silence of the room.
Liam started singing while Louis gently clapped his hands following the rhythm.
Make a little conversation
So long I've been waiting
To let go of myself and feel in love
"Or alive we are not sure yet," Liam pointed out quickly before carrying on.
So many nights I thought it over
Told myself I kind of liked her
But there was something missing in her eyes
"And here it comes," Louis blurted before harmonising with Liam.
I was stumbling, looking in the dark
With an empty heart
But you say you feel the same
Could we ever be enough?
Baby we could be enough
And it's alright
Calling out for somebody to hold tonight
When you're lost, I'll find the way
I'll be your light
You'll never feel like you're alone
They both looked at me beaming before saying the final line.
I'll make this feel like home
The music continued for a few seconds before Louis pressed stop on the screen of his iPhone, they both looked at me ever so expectantly, "So? Are you gobsmacked or what?" Louis urged.
"The song is about Olivia and me?" I asked quietly.
"Yeah, we were inspired by your story, hope that's alright, mate..." Liam said, a hint of concern in his voice while nervously tracing his hand over his chin.
"Oh, yeah... I mean, yeah! It's amazing, lads! It's very- really, really very good!" I exclaimed, still shocked at how accurate the lyrics were to my actual feelings. I was just overwhelmed and having a hard time expressing it.
Louis huffed loudly, "Mate! You need to start with that, I thought we had fucked it up or something..."
"Not at all, I wish we could include it in the new album, though."
"We are still working on it, we want to add something about wanting to wake up beside her because the night before was great," Liam explained, "you know because that was when you knew that you were in love."
"Maybe on the next album," Louis said following my previous comment.
"Or perhaps in the next single! 'Drag me Down' is already closed and has another vibe, but it will definitely fit the 'Perfect' single," I offered.
"I like the way you think Hazza," Louis said waving his finger and nodding.
*
I ARRIVED ALONE in L.A. on July 5th, the rest of the band was meant to come two days later. I could have gone straight to New York and knocked on Liv's door but was trying to play it differently this time and I knew exactly how. I spent those first few days hanging out with friends and trying to relax but dying of anticipation thinking of what I had planned to do. I took those days to carefully arrange Liv's birthday gift, I wanted it to be as perfect and meaningful as the present she gave me for my birthday.
On July 8th I shipped it making sure it would be delivered to her house the next morning. I packed my things that afternoon to travel to San Diego, the first show of the American leg, the following day. Above all, I prayed for the best. That really felt like the ace up on my sleeve Liam had mentioned, and probably my last one.
I spent Olivia's birthday feeling anxious. I consciously decided not to call or write expecting that after she received my present, she would. The call never arrived, not even a text. It wasn't like I was expecting her to travel across the country to thank me, but at least a text message would have been nice. Before going on stage, I made sure my assistant called UPS to confirm the package was delivered. Whatever secret hope I might have held died of grief when they confirmed it arrived around 11 in the morning NY time and was signed by Lena. Thank God I had a show and that gave me energy and enough distraction to keep me from sobbing myself to sleep curled up in my bed.
The following morning I woke up feeling a void in my heart. I figured it was about time that I accepted things as they were and stopped whining about it. I thought about going for a walk, maybe grab a bite to eat, and clear my mind taking advantage of our free day. As I was leaving my room, I ran into Jennifer who insisted that I stayed in the hotel and suggested that we went for a swim. I imagined that she knew about her friend ignoring me and wanted to make me feel better. I liked her and appreciated her effort, so I went back to my room to change into my swimming shorts.
When I arrived at the pool area, I spotted Jennifer and Niall lying on two loungers side by side. My stomach flinched as I approached them and saw the chemistry they shared. I wished I could have what they had, but it seemed I was made to ruin everything that was good before I could even dream of reaching that point.
"Are you okay?" Jennifer asked with concern after I unwittingly huffed.
I nodded, "I'm going for a swim," I told them while throwing my towel on a lounger and sliding my flip flops off my feet.
As I walked toward the pool, I could feel people staring at me and whispering my name to one another. I love every single part of this job, from top to bottom, and wouldn't change it for the world. However, it's in those moments that I wish I could go back to be unknown, just for a day or at least a few hours.
I positioned myself at the end of the pool, took a deep breath, and dived into the water. The pool had a deep end and it was cold at first but as I started moving the water begun to warm up. Doing some breaststrokes I reached the other end; I turned and did the same thing in the opposite way. With my arms in front of me, and in a wide circular motion, I propelled myself through the pool. I felt free inside the water, moving fast, lightly, and isolated from the noise outside. As I was finishing my third round, I opened my eyes, and through the water ripples, saw a fully dressed blurry figure standing at the end of the pool.
It couldn't be.
I was certain that I was hallucinating or maybe dreaming again.
"Wow," I gasped trying to regain my breath as I surfaced and finally got a complete look at her figure.
"I need to ask you something," she panted in a rather loud tone.
I beamed and, even on a cloudless morning, I felt the day had just lightened up.
So there I stood, more prepared to answer something than I had ever been in my whole life.