The trip to the dwarfs house brings new meaning to "Walk of Shame." My feet drag on the ground as I try my best to avoid going closer and closer. But it's futile; we've come this far and can't back out now. I've already been horrid enough, I can't afford to be worse.
"Are you alright?" asks Leon.
"No," I say. "I've failed them. She was their sister, their mother, their- I don't know. Everything. And I took her away."
"You didn't murder her. It wasn't your fault. They'll understand."
"Perhaps," I say, eyes trained straight ahead, not believing the lie that leaves my lips.
So we approach. It's early morning, before they usually leave for the mine. I planned for us to get here on purpose. I can't even fathom what their reactions would be like if they returned from a long hard day of work to find me without Snow. I don't even want to think of what their reactions will be now, when they're fresh and rested.
For a moment my raised fist hovers at the door as I contemplate knocking. After all, I did live here too, however short the time was. But of course, it never really was my home. Not like it was Snow's. Taking a deep breath, I lower my hand to the doorknob and mustering all the confidence that I don't have, push the door open and stride in like I used to. "Dwarfs?" I call, hesitantly. "Are you here?"
The next words I hear just about kill me. I can pinpoint one a thrilled little voice above the sudden hubbub calling, "Snow's back!"
His words are taken up as a cry, and before I know it, all the dwarfs have entered the room and are clustered around. Most of them have no hesitations in throwing themselves around me in a huge hug. But I notice, to my dismay, two of the grouchier ones hanging back, eyeing me suspiciously.
"Ivy," spits one, his pudgy arms folded. "Who are you with? He's not Snow. He's a he and Snow's a she for sure. Where is Snow?"
"Hey yeah," another remarks, giggling. "Snow isn't here!"
"Where's Snow?" asks a third, turning his huge pleading eyes up to me, his face coloring.
"I- I'm sorry," I finally manage to stammer. Leon puts his hand on my shoulder for support and it's all I can do not to cry. "It's my fault. I let her go when I should have kept her close. I knew it was dangerous, and I abandoned her. It's all my fault."
"What?" snaps the first one. "What's your fault?"
"Snow is dead," I finally choke out. "The queen of Mirshcon, her stepmother, killed her with a poisoned apple."
Dead silence.
Dead silence.
I can tell it takes a moment for my words to sink in. And when they do, the dwarfs slowly unlatch themselves from me, their smiles wiped away. Like moving through molasses, they slink to the other end of the room, glaring at me accusingly.
"You got Snow killed?" the first one finally spits out.
"Well, no," I say. "I mean, it's not like I wanted her to die I only-"
"You just said it was your fault!" shrieks a fourth, looking as though he might cry. The worst part is I've never seen this particular dwarf worked up before. If he's like this, I know it's bad.
"I know," I say, miserably. "I should have been watching better. I shouldn't have let her go off alone, in a place where the queen wanted her dead."
"Get out," says the grouchiest.
"I-"
"Save it. We don't want to hear it. We welcomed you into our house, and you stole away Snow, got her murdered. We don't welcome murderers. Get out. You're not welcome here anymore."
Tears are openly streaming down my face, and I want to say something but I can't. They're absolutely right. And that's what hurts most of all.
I don't belong here. Not after what I did. Not with who I am. Head hanging low, I walk out the door, every ounce of dignity that I might have had, gone. I thought that the walk of shame was getting here but I was wrong- it's leaving. I can hear the dwarfs whispering behind me, and someone gives a cry of agony, and that's when I just can't take it anymore.
Breaking out into a sprint, I run from the woods just as far as my legs may carry me. It doesn't matter that I saved Richard, Aysela, possibly Leon. All that matters is that I got my best friend killed, and I failed our newfound family.
Her family. Not mine. Not after what I did.
"Ivy," says Leon behind me. Looking back, I'm surprised to see him running just as much as I am. "Ivy calm down."
His words are enough to push me over the edge. Letting out a cry of anguish, I drop to the ground, unable to see anything but the tears clouding my vision. Why is this feeling worse than when I lost my love. It shouldn't be, can't be, yet it is.
"It's not your fault," says Leon finally, putting an arm around me. "What you said in there was wrong. You need to stop blaming yourself."
"You don't understand," I blubber. "It is my fault."
"No," says Leon. "And anyone who tries to tell you that is a fool."
"It sure feels like it's my fault. Why does it hurt so much?"
"You loved her," says Leon, his words surprising me. But after he says them, I realize that it's true, that I did love her. Not in a romantic way, but as a friend, a sister. I loved her, and now I've lost her.
***
As Leon's horse stops in front of the house of the Harysons, a get an unwelcome sense of déjà vu. I didn't want to come, but Leon has promised to lead me to Grandmother's because I don't know the way, and I'd rather not get lost in that endless desert again. And he has insisted on stopping for the night, on sleeping on beds rather than the hot, hard ground. So here we are.
Lord Haryson greets us when we arrive. "My wife and daughter are out," he says. "They'll return for supper, of course. In the meantime, let me show you to our guest rooms. And Ivy-"
"Yes?" I ask, hesitantly.
"I am glad that you returned," says Lord Haryson, smiling. "My wife told you about how we lost our daughter?"
"She did."
"Just remember that whatever you find yourself doing, you will always be welcome here," he says.
I look at Leon and can see him gloating slightly. He was right. And both Lord and Lady Haryson really do seem like good people. Maybe, if not for their insufferable daughter, I could actually make my home here.
"Thank you for your offer," I say, finally. "It means a lot."
Lord Haryson leads us both upstairs and shows us our rooms. I'm eager to bathe and wash off all the grime from riding through the forest for the past few days. After a blissful scrub and soak, I climb back into the dress I've been wearing for the whole trip. It's grimy, but I don't mind. For sure the dirt is nothing compared to my original purple dress that I gave Grandmother.
Presently, there's a knock on the door. I open it, expecting to see Leon, but am instead greeted with Liliana. I keep thinking that I've gotten away from her, and then she comes back to haunt me.
"Hello Ivy," she says, surprising me by reaching over and embracing me. Warily, I stand stiff as a board, unwilling to hug her back. She doesn't seem to notice when she pulls away though. "Thank you so much for bringing Leo back to us."
I'm surprised by her sudden show of affection, but do my best to ignore it, remembering how desperate and sad she was when she brought me here for Leon's letter. "Um, you're welcome?"
"Okay," she says, pulling away. "Time to dine."
Supper is painful. Not as painful as the encounter with the dwarfs, or all the nonsense that led up to it, but painful just the same. Throughout the meal, Lord and Lady Haryson pass time by asking me dozens of needless questions: who I am, what I like, what my family is like, and so on. It's beyond awkward, especially trying to dodge all the questions about what I did before I was in the desert. It's been a while and I still haven't told anyone anything about who I was.
Honestly, I'm starting to regret never telling Snow. She finally told me who she was, and I never told her who I am. What kind of friend does that make me? A crummy one, that's for sure. And that's not even accounting for the whole death business.
I find myself surprisingly restless after supper. After what feels like hours of tossing and turning from one side to the other and back again, I finally give up and resolve to a late night walk. It always helped me when I couldn't sleep in my tower. Getting out of bed, I wrap my arms around myself to combat the cold air and slip out of my room.
The hallway is dark and as I step outside, I start to wonder why exactly I wanted to come outside. I'm about to just go back into my room when I hear voices at the end of the hall. Every fiber of my being tells me to get away before something bad happens. After all, the voices I heard in the palace ended up belonging to the Snow's evil stepmother.
But of course, my curiosity gets the better of me. I guess you can't lock a girl up in a tower for her whole life and expect her to not be curious. Against my better judgement, I creep down the hall until I discover the source of the voices. To my surprise, or maybe it's no surprise, the voices are coming from the room I recall Lord Haryson designating for Leon earlier.
"I had to," says a low voice. Given the context of where we are, I can now identify the voice as Leon's, which only serves to pique my interest more.
"Not immediately." I'm startled to realize that the voice is Liliana's. Perhaps I shouldn't be; they've both clearly demonstrated that a childhood friendship that runs deep. Still, something inside me aches. "You could have stayed. It's Ivy, isn't it."
The mention of my name sends shock through me. They're talking about me. What I want to know is why.
"Yes, it's Ivy. I don't understand why you can't show her the same kindness you show me, Lily."
"I've been trying! I came to her room, I wanted to talk to her, but when I tried to hug her she wouldn't move! And I was the one who found her in the market, and got her to go to Mirshcon."
"Yes, and don't think I'm not grateful, but we both know that-"
"Stop," Liliana interrupts. "I don't want to hear it. I don't want to spent our precious time together talking about Ivy."
"Then what do you wish to talk about?"
"You know what."
Nothing. Then a sigh. "You know why. Much as I sometimes resent it, I am a prince. Even if I did have more time between all my duties, and if Father would let me take the long trip more often, it's not... proper."
"Oh sweet toads, stop dodging it," snaps Liliana. "First of all, it's not like it's just me. There's Mother and Father as well, your family is close with us. And second... well, it could be proper."
There's a long pause where the only sound is a quiet sniffling. I press my ear closer to the door and wish that it was like the queen's room in Mirshcon where I could peer inside. I know that they're having a private conversation and I shouldn't be listening in, but I just can't help myself.
When Leon finally speaks again, there's a tenderness in his voice that I've never heard before. "Lily. Despite living so far away, you are my closest friend. Sometimes, you've been my sole confidant. I trust you practically more than I trust Flor, even. But the thing is... Lily, you're-" He lowers his voice and despite my practically being part of the door with how close I am, I can't hear what he says.
"I was right, wasn't I?" asks Liliana after a long pause. "It was her. That's why I..."
"I suspected," says Leon. Their conversation leaves my mind whirling, as I no longer have any idea what they're talking about.
"I don't get it," says Liliana. "I'm pretty. I'm from a good family. And I am a good friend, aren't I?"
"Yes, you are. The best friend I could hope for. And I hope that despite everything happening, you'll still-"
He cuts off abruptly, leaving me in question about what's happening. Then, suddenly, I remember- the keyhole! Eagerly, I press my eye to the keyhole and am shocked.
Leon and Liliana are sitting on the bed, close together, kissing. Realization dawns on me, as I slowly peel myself away from the door and walk back down the hallway to my room. No need to stay. I don't realize I'm crying until I'm on my bed and can feel the tear roll down my cheek and onto my pillow. And once I know I'm crying, I don't know why.
---
Dedicated to Raverie
What do you think of Liliana here? Don't forget to vote and comment, xoxo wisteria
**edited**