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16
Annabel Lee finds herself socializing with the popular crowd and she couldn't be happier in this moment. These are the people that can potentially make or break her status in high school so she needs to impress them or is doomed to become invisible again. To her utter surprise everything seemed to be working out as planned.
As music blares around the fair grounds she lets loose, dancing like no one is watching, and laughing along with this new group. A small flame of hope ignites inside of her at the thought of becoming one of them. This newfound sense of belonging, to something much bigger than she is, fills her heart with joy and everything seems to be falling into place, as it should.
"Guess who's here." Cindy yells above the music, pointing in the direction over her shoulder.
Annabel's gaze follows Cindy's pointed arm and she spots Eric, standing among his friends. He looks up and their eyes meet for only a moment before he turns away, laughing at something his friend says. She blushes when his lips widen into a big smile, showing off two rows of perfect teeth.
It's now or never. Annabel moves away from Cindy without a word, heading in Eric's direction, before she could overthink her actions. Nothing is going to stand in her way, not even her own thoughts.
She's no more than ten yards away when he looks up, their gazes' meet for a second time, and a smile quickly spreads across his lips as he waves at her. Her heart races in her chest as she raises her own hand to return the gesture but someone brushes past her, sending her staggering forward into the dirt. Her knees take most of the impact but her palm skid across the rocky ground.
She lifts her head just in time to see a girl jump into his open arms, wrapping her own around his neck and kissing him deeply before pulling away. Embarrassment floods her body at the sight of them and it become clear that he's found what he was looking for in someone else.
"Who the fuck is that bitch!" Cindy catches up to her.
Tears well up in Annabel's eyes as she pulls herself to her feet. Ignoring her bleeding knees and burning hands and heads toward Cindy, mumbling, "Just get me out of here, please." There's a knot in her throat as she suppresses a sob and Cindy leads her away.
Words: 488
Question time:
Please be as honest as you can so I can improve my story. If something sucks I'd rather hear the truth. Also answer with inline comments so I can easily go through them and know which answer goes to what.
What do you honestly think of this chapter as a whole?
Did the chapter hold your interest until the very end?
In your opinion what can make this chapter better? Examples?
What did you like most about this chapter and why?
Where there any boring, annoying, or frustrating parts? If so what parts and why?
Does anything seem unclear/confusing with the setting, character description, emotion? Examples?
Does the opening hook you as a reader?
Does the ending make you want to keep reading?
What do you think will happen next?
Was the dialogue believable and natural?
Did you notice any obvious, repeating grammatical, spelling, punctuation or capitalization errors? Examples?
Is the pace too fast, too slow or just right?
Is there enough or too much description in this chapter? Examples?
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