"Mason." I wishper into the phone if I talk any louder he will hear the pain in my voice and come running but I don't want that. I don't want to concern him or him see me like this.
"Mira." He sighs. His voice sounds strained. "Babe are you back?"
"Yes. Just got home in bed now. I wanted to call to let you know." I pull my blanket over my head and sink more into my bed.
"What happen you never called? I was so worried." I clear my voice that is choking up with tears.
"I lost my phone and then I found it on new years day.. I tried calling but you didn't pick up."
"Shit, I broke it that day."
"What happened?" I ask him.
"Nothing.. Nothing, it fell that's all. Got a new one now. Could I come get you." The tears spill down my eyes.
"Uhmm I can't today. It's already nine and my mom won't let me."
"I miss you." He wishper and I break, regretfully. I sob into the phone.
"I miss you too." I cried. "I have to go, bye." I hang up the phone and use my hands to muffle my sobs as I cry into the pillow. My heart hurts more than words can describe and I feel it in every fiber that's me. My phone start buzzing on my chest and I know it's him but I can't pick it up. I don't want to break his heart, I don't want to explain to him what happened. How I disrespected our relationship and basically feed unto CJ fantasy of us together. It goes off again and I turn it off.
***
My phone buzz on my chest and I read the text. "Amira, Are you okay?"
This morning I had two voicemail from him and I listen to them. He was so confused about why I stayed crying and hung up.
"Yes." I text him back quickly. I am not going back to school today. I don't even want to leave my bed. My phone start ringing again and I pick it up.
"Amira what the fuck I was worried."
"I know I am sorry. My mother was at the door."
"Bullshit, why were you crying?" He sounded angry.
"I just miss you that's all. Stop cursing at me, what's going on?"
"Sorry." He huff. "I am fine. I will come pick you for school."
"No actually. I am jetlag and want to stay in bed. Tomorrow."
"Babe I need to see you please."
"Tomorrow." I plead. "I can't leave today. If I can't make it to school I can't make it anywhere."
"Is been two weeks." He huff and I nod my head before telling him "I know but one more day wouldn't hurt." Since he can't see me. "I love you."
"I love you too."
I hang up the phone and continue to lay in bed. After hours of just laying in bed I stand up and look at my rfeflection in the mirror. My stomach looks slighty blotted and my face puffy. I start a little workout routine, squatting, sit up, burpees, jumping Jacks to get my heart going and start losing the less than five pounds I gained. I unpack my clothes, take a shower and grab an apple to eat. I have lost my appetite since I heard the news. By staying in my room I avoid my mother plus the other kids are home and keeping her busy.
"Amira CJ is here to see you." Will voice yells from the other side of my door. What is he doing here? I don't want to see him. I open the door and look at will.
"So, I don't want to see him."
"Mom said I should tell you. She said CJ is in the basement waiting." Why are these men trying to ruin my life?
"Tell CJ to leave." I bark at him.
"Don't hate the player hate the game." I roll my eyes at him and slam the door in his face. If he won't do it, I will. I match downstairs passing my mother in the living room with not as much as a smile or acknowledgement towards her direction.
"What do you want CJ?" I ask from the door as he walks in a small horizontal line. He looks up at me his winter jacket still in his hands.
"I just want us to talk?"
"Clearly you don't.. You have hired your parents and mine to do the talking for you."
He place his Jacket on the couch and start walking towards me. "You weren't listening to me, all you want to talk about is some boy that will break your heart." He said it a little too loudly.
"Want to say that louder?" I bark at him and walk towards the back room of the basement. "God, you are so pathetic CJ. I mean is this how you planned on getting me? By a force marriage."
An anger fill his face and his lips form a sharp line. "This wasn't my idea either. My parents told me three years ago."
"Three years and you keep it from me? You have had a life in those three years. You had multiple girlfriends, you attended and is almost finish university, you have been living. Why don't I get that choice? Why do you get to make the choice for me?" I bark at him.
"Because I didn't get a choice either. I loved you first. Do you think I want to be in a force marriage by my parents?" He yelled in a hushed tone. He starts moving closer to me. "I still love you but that wasn't how I wanted to get you but I keep watching you slip away from me."
"I don't love you CJ. How many times do I have tell you? You are making me seem like the worse person.. to have to tell you no and to go against my family. You know I will get disowned if I say no. You are ruining my fucking life." I start heading to the door to leave since my anger is boiling into tears and I will not look weak in front of anyone again. He grab my wrist in a firm grip and I feel it burn. "CJ let go of my hand." I try pulling away but he doesn't give.
"It's unfair for you to say that to me. I am trying to make sure our family legacy don't go to shit and all you can think is yourself." He bark in anger too close to my face and too tight on my wrist.
"CJ let me go." I try pulling from him again with no success. "Please you are hurting my wrist." He quickly remove his hands around mine.
"I am sorry Amira.
"I came here to talk about everything that occurred but you aren't willing to
Listen to me. Our lives have been planned since we were younger."
"CJ you are hurting me." I resist against him and he drops my hand. I grab my burning wrist and head to the stairs alway out the door.
"I am sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. I want to invite you to the Igbo Calgary association in two weeks." I laugh at his request.
"You really think I am going to say yes?" I chuckle. "Get the fuck out CJ." I walk upstairs to my room leaving him standing there by his lonesome. The moment my room door shuts the tears come spilling down my face. CJ had never hurt me before and I haven't been scared to be around him but today the desperation and look in his eyes frighten me.
His words that I am ruining what our families has worked for play in a loop. I am not the only one who didn't have a choice, his got taken away too. He is a victim as well as me. Could I love him? At since point I believed I could. Am I hurting my family by not getting married to him? If I leave where would I go? I could never return to the country I love the most. How will I survive without them? My life could be good with CJ, we would have more than enough money, I would have my family, I would get to see Hazel and Lucien grow up. I remember Mason the boy that loves me and I him. Can we make it work by ourselves... Would he want to leave his family to live with me? I can't do that to him either. I can't take him away from his family because mine doesn't want me. I don't want to pause his life because mine isn't going well. I can't even afford to live on my own, I don't have a job, I pay for school through a scholarship that pays for eighty percent and my parents the rest. I am stuck. I cry on the floor until sleep takes over.
*****
I walk into school after keeping myself at home for the pass week. I just stood up, shower and walked to school. I didn't even tell anyone I was coming. In the week that I return I haven't seen Mason, Jenny or Kim. I came up with an excuse that I have been jetlag and I am suffering from malaria. The truth is that I have been suffering from depression and shame. In the week home I have lost six pounds. I have cried and have to listen to my nagging mother in person and my father over the phone. My mother tried getting me out of bed to go to school but I couldn't even get up to eat or Shower. I felt in pieces like if I was to stand I would crumble into ashes. I have only suffered from depression twice and this will be the third and the worse. I am glad I enter through the east door by the gym because it is silent and since everybody is in class I should go unnoticed.
"Mira? Mira?" Mason call from behind me. Shit. I paused, composed myself and plaster a smile on my face. I am not ready to tell him. "Babe? I didn't know you were going to be here. Why didn't you tell me?" He move in long stride towards me with a smile spread across his face.
"Sorry, I just got a burst of energy this morning and decided to come in." He pull me into his embrace and squeeze me in a hug. I put my face into his shirt and sniffle him in. I miss him.. I miss this.. I miss his touch, his love. It put me in tears.
"I miss you so much Mira. So much Babe." He hold my face in his hand and I smile to him. I want to mask the sadness in them. I miss his beautiful blue eyes and his jet black hair. He kiss my lips and I melt into his touch.
"I miss you too." I reply into the kiss.
"I was worried sick this past three weeks. God Babe. How are you feeling?" He pull away and look me over. "You have lost weight. Was it the malaria? Do you feel better now?"
"I know I am sorry. I am feeling better. It was the Malaria" I lie painfully through my teeth.
"Let's leave, go away from school and spend the day together." I hesitate at his request will I be able to fake this happiness much longer. I don't want him to catch on to the fact that I am falling apart.
"I wish I could but I can't. I have missed a week already."
"Babe please. You haven't missed anything. Really school is the same old, same old. I have you in two classes and we haven't really started anything and your other classes I am sure I can get someone to get you to speed. Let's just leave." He pull my now weaken body from his embrace towards the door. He seem in a rush to leave. "Shit my keys are in class. Just wait at the car and I will be there in five."
"Mason. I can't leave."
"Why?" He asked annoyed with me. I want to tell him no again but the words can't come out. I have truly miss him.
"Okay, but I'll wait here. It's way too cold outside." He kiss my lips. "Here Babe." I nod in agreement. I stare at the wall trying to think of everything happy so I don't ruin his day by being a downer. If I pretend to smile and listen to his break, ask questions I won't have to talk about my shit show of a vacation that ended with me being engage to a different guy.
"Amira?" I snap out of my trance as I was being squeezed into a hug. "Amira I called your name three times. What are you doing here?" I smile at Jenny and hug her back. Is everybody in the east wing today.
"I just got a weird burst of energy and decided to come in. What are you doing in Jockville?"
"My health Science class is here." She roll her eyes. "You have lost weight. Damn Malaria is as bad as I thought."
I laugh and roll my eyes. "Yes."
"What are you doing in school though.. You should go back home. Let me drop you."
"No I am fine. Mason already convince me to leave with him. Actually...let me drop by my locker before he gets back." Her eyes almost pop out her face.
"No don't do that. Uhmm what do you need? I'll get it or drop it for you."
"Just to drop a textbook and pick up my agenda, but I can do it myself." I smile.
"No its fine you were sick and you don't need to be doing extra when your best friend can do it for you." I see Mason walking towards us.
"Never mind Mason is back. I'll just get it tomorrow."
"Oh great!" She sighs in Joy!
"Hi Jenny, how's it going?" Mason smile at Jenny.
"Good...suprise to see our friend here at school today but she told me you guys are heading out. That's great!"
"Yes I miss my girl and I want to spend the day with her." He kiss my cheeks and I smile widely. This boy throughly makes me happy, but I feel like shit emotionally and it's taking so much strength to keep focus on the conversation.
"Alright you love birds have fun. My extended break was over ten minutes ago."
Mason and I laugh "Bye Jenny."