"Michelangelo?" Zeke asked. "You're the bandit prince?"
"I already told you I was," the small monkey said. "What, are you deaf?"
"What the hell are you doing setting yourself up as a criminal kingpin? Bad monkey! You're coming with me right this instant!" Zeke made a move to grab Michelangelo's arm but two thugs immediately stood in his way and pushed him back to his knees. Daedalus had already been taken to another room and Zeke was left alone with the monkey and his bodyguards.
"I think not, my friend," Michelangelo smiled evilly. "You see, although I do appreciate your efforts in trying to hook me up with that chicken babe, I find I enjoy my position much more in this world than in your world. Perhaps I'll lock you up in a cage for awhile. How does that sound, hmm?"
"Come on, Michelangelo, I was only doing my job," Zeke pleaded. "I tried to let you out to run around as often as possible."
"Yes, yes. And I would be remiss in my duties as the lord of the criminal underworld if I were to let you go unmolested. Besides, all I recall was 'Michelangelo don't touch this,' and 'Michelangelo put down that flask,' and that infernal 'bad monkey.' Well now it seems the shoe is on the other foot."
"If it was up to me I would have let you play with whatever lab equipment you wanted, but I was under strict instructions not to let you touch anything."
"Fool! Did you believe I was merely 'playing' with the lab equipment?" Michelangelo sneered. "No, all that time I was honing my criminal skills. Picking pockets, stealing equipment, escaping from my wretched hellhole of a cage. Did you think that when I arrived here they just gave me my position? I earned it bit by excruciating bit, slowly building my reputation as the greatest criminal mind in all of Quartzwater City!"
"But how?" Zeke asked. "You've spent most of your life in Dr. Octavius' lab."
"Yes, this is true. For a long time I was content with my lot in life. I didn't know anything else existed. But then one day Dr. Octavius brought me with him on one of his trips here. He intended to perform some experiment on me, but his attention invariably got captured by other matters, leaving me free to explore the city on my own. He eventually tracked me down and forcibly took me back to our world, but he brought me with him numerous times after that. Every time I found that I had opportunity to explore the city further. Before long I fell into a pickpocket racket operating in the southeastern quadrant. I slowly worked my way up the ranks until I found myself in a position to challenge for the title of bandit prince. Needless to say my predecessor is no longer with us. I would have never returned to the laboratory again but Dr. Octavius caught me with that blasted tranquilizer gun and I woke up back in my cage, patiently waiting for the right moment to make my escape. Now that I'm back I've taken precautions to ensure I never leave here again."
"Wow, that's amazing," Zeke said. "All this time I thought you were just a horny little monkey."
"Well, you can't change who you are," Michelangelo shrugged. "But suffice to say, my position here serves to more than adequately satisfy my needs."
"So are you mixed up with this Trevor Mastodon guy?" Zeke asked. "Because I'm in cool with him. Uh, sort of."
"Trevor Mastodon is of little consequence to me," Michelangelo said dismissively. "Some of his operations border on the questionable side of the law, but he maintains a 'legitimate' front. I could crush him like a rotten banana if the need arose. But for now his antics amuse me."
"Come on now, Michelangelo. Despite my occasionally locking you in cages, we're buds, right? I mean I never beat you or anything. So couldn't you find it in your heart to let me go? And if, for some strange reason, Trevor Mastodon wanted to kill me, would you use your influence to stop him? Please? I really don't want to be locked in a little cage."
Michelangelo chuckled. "Relax, I was joking about the cage. I'll be honest, Zeke. Personally I like you. And despite his recent failure, Daedalus is one of my best men and he vouches for you. Nonetheless, we have strict rules of secrecy governing our guild. Anybody who isn't a member that learns of us must be killed."
"Damn it!" Zeke muttered. "Everybody in this place is trying to beat me up or kill me! I just want to go home where I'm mostly ignored."
"There is a way out of this predicament," Michelangelo said thoughtfully. "You could join our guild."
"Me? Become a bandit?" Zeke scratched his head. "Well, I guess, if it will save my life. What do I have to do?"
"We'll need you to pass a test to prove your worth. I have the perfect test in mind."
"I'm listening," Zeke said.
"Later this evening the Gravity ball championship is being held at the stadium in the southwestern quadrant. If you were to steal the trophy and bring it back here you would prove yourself a fine bandit in my book. Not only would you be allowed to leave here alive, but you'd be granted full benefits of membership in the guild. That would include protection from jerks like Trevor Mastodon if he tries to mess with you."
"Okay," Zeke said taking a deep breath. "I'll do it! Just tell me how to get to this stadium."
* * *
Within an hour Zeke found himself standing outside the stadium, a huge red octagonal building. The game wasn't due to begin until after sunset so there weren't many people in the area, which suited Zeke fine. After all, he stood a better chance at successfully stealing the trophy if there were less witnesses.
The front entrance was at the top of a long staircase, but as Zeke set foot on the first step it sank beneath his weight and he found himself back on ground level. He tried to climb onto the next step but it, too, sank.
"What the hell is going on here?" Zeke mumbled to himself. "Maybe if I run up really quickly I can make it to the top before the stairs sink."
He burst into a run, but was unable to make any upward progress and soon the entire staircase had disappeared into the ground. Zeke scratched his head as he stared at the platform above him. "Now what?" he shrugged.
He heard somebody whistling from up above him so he decided to call out. "Hello? Anyone there?"
A minute later a camel in a beige Hawaiian shirt and a cap that read "Janitor" peered over the edge. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Uh, I seem to be having a spot of difficulty with the stairs. They kind of sank into the ground as I stepped on them. Could you tell me how to get up there?"
The camel looked at him incredulously. "What, are you a moron? You tried walking up the down stairs!"
"Huh?" Zeke asked.
"Jeez, you must be a tourist or something. The up stairs are to the right."
Zeke looked over where the camel was gesturing but just saw empty space. "Where are these stairs you're talking about?"
The camel sighed. "Look, you see where that yellow x is? Just step forward and the stairs will lift you up."
Zeke still didn't see any stairs but walked over to the yellow x and took a step. The ground underneath him elevated and a step formed. He stepped forward again and the ground elevated once more. This continued until he found himself standing at the top of a staircase that previously hadn't been there.
"You're a bit early for the game, aren't you?" the camel asked him.
"Yeah, well, I just wanted to be sure I didn't miss the opening tip off," Zeke replied. "Is it all right if I go on in?"
"You got a ticket?"
"Um, no."
"Well then you're out of luck," the camel rolled his eyes. "This game's been sold out for weeks now. It is the championships after all."
"Uh, what I meant to say is that I bought my ticket but I need to pick it up still. Could you direct me to the box office?"
"It's through that door and to the left. You can't miss it. It's a big cardboard box."
"Thank you for your help," Zeke said as he walked into the stadium. He looked over his shoulder to see if the camel was watching him, but it was busy sweeping the ground.
Zeke wasn't really sure where the trophy would be kept so he decided to explore around. Rather than go left to the box office, he turned right and found himself walking down a gently curving corridor. A few scattered animals walked around here and there, but it wasn't too crowded yet. There were vendor's tables set up selling merchandise such as posters and big oversized novelty foam feet with a super big toe on them. Quartzwater City's team was apparently called the "Mop Buckets." It seemed like a bit of a strange mascot to Zeke, but then he was becoming less surprised by the general weirdness of this place.
He spotted a sign that read "Locker Rooms and Storage Facilities: Stadium Employees and Team Personnel Only." It had a bright blue arrow that pointed down a side corridor. Zeke looked around to make sure no one was watching and then ducked down the hallway.
He tried to put on an air of nonchalance in case anybody spotted him. He hoped the stadium had many employees and if stopped he figured he'd pretend to be a new hire. If that didn't work maybe he could just be a lost fan who took a wrong turn while looking for a restroom.
Fortunately the corridor seemed to be empty. He came to a door marked "Storage" and tested the knob. It swung open and he found himself in a small room filled with dusty boxes. He ripped a box open but it just contained old team uniforms. A quick survey of the other boxes proved fruitless so he went back into the hall and tried the next door he came to.
This time as the door swung inward he heard a thumping sound followed by a groan. He peered around the doorway to see a small tile bathroom. An iguana lay on the floor apparently unconscious. It appeared Zeke had smacked him in the face with the door and knocked him out.
Suddenly he heard voices approaching from down the hall. Not wanting to get caught he ran into the bathroom, careful not to step on the prostrate iguana, and closed the door. He looked around for a locking mechanism but couldn't find one. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears as he leaned against the door, hardly daring to breathe lest he be overheard.
The voices grew louder and then he heard a knock on the door. "Hey Gordon, you in there?"
Zeke attempted to muffle his voice with his hand. "Uh, yeah. I'm busy. Don't come in."
"Are you all right?" the voice on the other side asked. "You sound weird."
"I'm fine," Zeke coughed. "If you don't mind, I'd like a little privacy."
"What did you do, fall in? You've been in there forever."
"Just taking care of business," Zeke coughed again.
"Coach wants to see you right away," a different voice said. "He told us to come haul you out if we had to."
"I'll be there in a minute. Go away."
"We're coming in, Gordon. Coach says it's important."
Zeke saw the doorknob start to turn so he grabbed it and leaned against the door. Unfortunately whoever was on the other side was much stronger than him and the doorknob twisted in Zeke's hand. The door swung open and Zeke found himself face to face with a muscular wolf and a fierce looking goat.
"Who the hell are you?" the goat asked. "And what have you done to Gordon?"
"It was an accident," Zeke stammered. "I didn't mean to do it. I just opened the door and it smacked him."
"Gordon's our star player!" the wolf groaned. "What are we going to do?"
"We'd better take this guy to Coach," the goat said. "He'll know what to do."
The next thing Zeke knew he was being dragged down the hall and taken to a large office. A zebra with a whistle around its neck looked up from a newspaper as it sat behind a desk. "Hello Hank, Earl. Did you find Gordon?"
"We got a problem, Coach," the goat, who was apparently called Earl, said.
"Yeah," the wolf, otherwise known as Hank, agreed. "Gordon's unconscious on the bathroom floor. We caught this fool standing over him."
The zebra got a cold look in his eyes. "Are you an agent for Maelstromville?"
"No," Zeke replied shakily. "What's Maelstromville?"
"Only our opposition for the championship," Earl said.
"He doesn't really look like their usual agents," the zebra said thoughtfully. "They usually employ demons and imps and that sort of thing. So if you're not here to give the other team an unfair advantage who are you and why exactly are you here?"
"Would you believe I'm a fan who got lost on the way to the bathroom?" Zeke grinned nervously.
"You do realize Gordon is the best player on our team?" the zebra asked.
"Yes, of course," Zeke's eyes darted around. "I really want to get his autograph. Believe me, I had no idea he was in there. I just opened the door to use the toilet and he must have been walking out at the same moment because I seem to have smacked him in the face."
"Hmm," the zebra said. "Hey Hank, Earl, go bring Gordon in here."
"Right away, Coach!" they replied and ran out of the room.
"You know, we don't have any replacement for Gordon," Coach said admonishingly. "All of our bench players painted their faces with glow-paint in a show of solidarity. Shortly after that they all came down with a rare case of monkey flu. So you see, if Gordon's unable to compete we'll have to forfeit the match."
"That's quite a predicament," Zeke conceded. "Can't you find any other replacements?"
"This close to game time? Unlikely. Unless..." Coach got a strange look in his eye. "Can you play Gravity ball, son?"
"Me?" Zeke asked. "I don't even know what Gravity ball is."
"It's really quite simple. Can you toss a ball through a vertical ring?"
"Yeah, I could probably do that."
"Great! The big ring is worth one point and the small ring is worth two points. That's all you really need to know."
"Wait a minute," Zeke shook his head. "You can't seriously be asking me to play in the championship game! That's ridiculous! Surely there must be somebody else you can ask!"
Suddenly the door burst open behind them and Hank and Earl returned carrying Gordon, who had an arm wrapped around each of their shoulders.
"Good news!" Hank shouted. "Gordon's awake!"
The iguana muttered a few incoherent sounds.
"Looks like he may have sustained a bit of a concussion," Earl said.
Coach walked over and peered into Gordon's eyes. "Can you hear me, son? Blink once for yes, twice for no."
The iguana blinked once.
"Good, now listen closely. Do you remember your name?"
Two blinks.
"No? Does the name Gordon sound familiar?"
Two blinks.
"This isn't good," Coach frowned. "Seems he may have a mild case of amnesia. That may not matter if we can just get him into playing condition. Listen to me Gordon. Do you think you can walk on your own?"
One blink.
"All right, boys, let him go."
Gordon took several unsteady steps and then fell over on his side.
"Oh no, it looks like he's lost his equilibrium!"
"What are we going to do, Coach?" Earl cried. "We can't forfeit to those Maelstromville bastards!"
Coach looked over at Zeke. "Get this guy suited up. We're not forfeiting nothing to nobody!"
* * *
Zeke found himself trotting out onto the Gravity ball field with seven other players. He still couldn't believe he'd agreed to participate in a sport he'd never even heard of before, especially in light of the fact that he wasn't the most athletically gifted person around. He was, however, mostly responsible for the injury of the star player and he wasn't sure he was going to escape unharmed if he didn't at least try to make up for that.
The playing field turned out to be a large rectangular box with a solid white floor. The walls and ceilings were made out of a transparent substance that served as a barrier between the players and the spectators. It didn't seem to dampen the noise of the crowd, which was deafening. Zeke felt an increasingly nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach as he looked around and realized the stadium was packed with thousands of screaming fans.
An announcer came on over a loud speaker and began introducing the team. As each player's name was announced, they ran into the middle of the field and graciously accepted the thunderous cheers from the crowd.
"And finally, we have a last minute replacement for Gordon, please welcome Zeke!" the announcer called out.
The stadium fell abruptly silent as Zeke ran out to the middle of the field.
"Who the hell is Zeke?" he heard a woman's voice interrupt the silence.
"You'd better be good, motherfucker!" a male voice shouted out.
Zeke smiled nervously and waved at the crowd.
"Don't worry about them, mate," one of his teammates, a crocodile who's name he didn't catch, said reassuringly. "Just play your best."
Before Zeke could reply the announcer came over the loudspeaker again. "And now introducing the opposition, The Maelstromville Shoehorns!"
The crowd booed loudly as the other team came charging out onto the field. They were all very large and scary looking gremlins and gargoyles.
"And now let the championship commence!" the announcer boomed.
A big bright red ball dropped from the ceiling and all the players on both teams ran towards it. Following the lead of his teammates Zeke began running in the same general direction. He could see a large ring on the other end of the field. A smaller ring orbited slowly around it. There was a similar arrangement of rings on the wall behind him and Zeke realized the teams must be shooting at opposing rings. "All right," he said to himself. "Just toss the ball through the ring. Should be pretty simple."
A baboon on his team reached the ball first and picked it up. Shortly afterward a physically imposing gargoyle tackled him violently and wrenched the ball from his hands.
"Wait a minute," Zeke stopped running. "Nobody said anything about physical contact. That looked painful."
Hank the wolf knocked out the gargoyle's legs from underneath it sending it sprawling to the ground. It released its grip on the ball which rolled straight towards Zeke and landed at his feet.
"Don't just stand there!" Earl the goat screamed from several feet away as he attempted to body check a particularly ugly gremlin. "Pick it up!"
Zeke felt very conflicted about the whole matter, but he picked it up and began running toward the opposite ring. He dodged right and barely avoided getting tackled by a fat blue gargoyle. He kept running forward and was about twenty feet away from the ring when two huge gremlins stepped in his way from either side. He let out a little whimper as they came charging towards him. In a moment of panic he threw the ball back over his head.
Unfortunately the two gremlins had already built up too much forward momentum and plowed right into him, sending him flying backwards in the process. He landed on his back and got the wind knocked out of him. He closed his eyes and gasped for air.
After a moment he peeled open his eyelids and sat up painfully. The crocodile who had been friendly towards him earlier now had the ball and was making a valiant run towards the ring. He hurled it just as a gremlin rammed into his side. The ball sailed through the large ring and the crowd let out a massive roar of approval.
Zeke stood up and began running back in the other direction, following the lead of his teammates once again. He had barely taken two steps when he suddenly found himself soaring through the air. He nearly hit his head on the ceiling before dropping gently back to the ground.
Looking around in astonishment he saw all of the other players were now leaping way up in the air as well, many of them doing acrobatic flips and literally bouncing off the walls.
"What the hell's going on here?" Zeke called out to the crocodile as he leaped past.
"It's Gravity ball, mate! Every time someone scores a point the gravity levels change!"
"I see," Zeke said as he took another step and found himself flying through the air once again. "This is actually kind of fun." He landed gracefully and leaped upwards towards the ceiling again.
He was hovering up near the ceiling when one of the gargoyles on the other team scored a point and the gravity level changed abruptly again. Zeke felt like someone had tied an anvil to his legs as he tumbled rapidly to the ground, knocking the wind out of himself again in the process.
It took nearly all of his strength just to pull himself to his feet again. He felt like he weighed about three times as much as normal and it was a struggle to pick up his feet and take a step forward. The other players were similarly afflicted as Zeke watched the baboon strain to pick up the ball, which had also gotten much heavier. The pace of the game slowed considerably as everyone fought against the effects of the increased gravity.
A gremlin managed to snatch the ball away from the baboon and knocked him to the ground. It walked slowly up to the large ring and dropped the ball through, scoring another point for the opposition.
Suddenly Zeke felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders as the gravity returned to somewhat near normal levels. Hank retrieved the ball and dashed across the field. Zeke followed after but kept a healthy distance from the ball, lest he should suffer another painful tackle.
Hank passed the ball to Earl just as a gargoyle slammed into him from behind. Earl made a well-timed toss and shot the ball through the smaller ring, scoring two points. The crowd erupted in a frenzy of cheers.
Zeke's stomach felt like it had shifted upwards into his throat and he suddenly began to float up off the ground. It seemed the gravity levels had dropped to nearly zero. He hovered in the air, unable to move himself much.
Out of the corner of his eye he spotted a gargoyle shooting towards him like a bullet. It clipped him in the legs as it passed, sending him into a violent spin. Without anything to grab onto, Zeke's body continued to spin around and around. He began to feel dizzy and more than a little nauseous as the room whizzed by him in a blur. He had no idea what was going on in the game, but evidently somebody scored another point because he suddenly hit the ground again and remained there.
Even though his body had stopped physically spinning, it took several minutes for Zeke's head to stop spinning. By that time somebody had scored again because the ground pulled him violently onto his back and it felt like an elephant was sitting on his chest. He managed to roll his head sideways and saw a gremlin shove Earl aside and drop the ball through the two point ring.
Immediately Zeke felt much lighter and indeed as he attempted to sit up he found himself rocketing through the air again, nearly colliding with an armadillo who was apparently another one of his teammates.
And so the game continued on for nearly an hour. Zeke rose and fell with every change in the gravity levels. He tried to stay mostly in the background as far as the actual game play went. He handled the ball once or twice but he tried to pass it off to a teammate as quickly as possible. He was barely aware of what was happening in the game itself. All of the gravity shifts were keeping him pretty well occupied as it was.
At one point, while gravity was just slightly heavier than normal, he noticed the other players exiting the field. "What's going on?" he asked the crocodile.
"Coach is calling a timeout. Come on!"
Zeke followed and joined the huddle that was taking place on the sideline.
"All right," Coach said grimly. "It's all coming down to the wire! There's ten seconds left and we're down one point! We need to score or we can kiss this championship goodbye, gentlemen."
"If Gordon were here we could run his patented kamikaze play," Earl frowned.
"Yeah, well without Gordon Hank's probably the best shooter we've got! So I want everyone to guard him with your lives if need be. Don't let any of those bastards get anywhere near him. Hank, you take the ball and make a beeline for the ring. Don't take any stupid risks, just aim for the big one. If we score a point we can force overtime."
"Good plan, Coach!" the crocodile shouted. "All right guys, let's do it!"
Zeke ran back onto the field following his teammates. Hank picked up the ball and the rest of the players formed a circle around him as he ran towards the ring. Zeke gulped and picked out the smallest gremlin to focus on blocking. He ran straight up and proceeded to entangle it with his arms.
He couldn't see what was going on around him as all of his energy was focused on wrestling with the gremlin, but he heard a voice shout "Oh no! Hank missed!"
"Somebody catch the ball!" he heard another voice shout frantically.
Zeke turned around stupidly and looked up just in time to see the ball rapidly approaching him. It smacked him right in the face and then bounced backwards, sailing through the small ring just as the buzzer sounded.
Zeke fell to the ground again and barely registered his teammates celebrating wildly all around him. The announcer was on the loudspeaker going crazy. "The Mop Buckets win! The Mop Buckets win! This is unbelievable!" The crowd was roaring so loud it seemed the roof would be torn off the stadium.
"Congratulations, mate!" the crocodile beamed as it held a hand out to him and helped him to his feet. "You just scored the winning points! We're the champions!"
Zeke looked around in a daze. Confetti and streamers were pouring down from the ceiling and loud bursts of light not unlike fireworks blasted all around. His teammates swarmed around him and hoisted him onto their shoulders as the opposing team quietly exited the field with uniformly dejected looks on their faces.
A platform with a podium had been hastily assembled in the middle of the field and an old aardvark stood behind it, talking into a globe that amplified his voice like a microphone. "If the team would like to join me on stage, it does me great pleasure to present the championship trophy to the Quartzwater City Mop Buckets!"
Zeke's eyes lit up when he spotted the trophy emerge from a box in the aardvark's hand. "Aha! There it is!"
The team piled up on the stage and the aardvark shook each of their hands and congratulated them. Zeke's eyes never left the trophy as it bounced up and down enticingly in the aardvark's hand.
Finally he handed it over to Coach who stepped up to the podium. "What can I say?" he boomed out through the loudspeaker. "This one's for you, the fans!" Another loud burst of applause accompanied that statement. "But most of all I'd like to thank each and every one of my players! We couldn't have done this without you! Here, this belongs to you guys!" He handed the trophy to Hank who kissed it and passed it off to the baboon who did the same.
The trophy passed from hand to hand on down the line until finally it ended up in Zeke's possession. Here it was at last, the item he'd been looking for. He hoisted it up in the air to thunderous applause from the crowd. He made a show of kissing it. Then he tucked it under his arm and took off running for the exit.