Chapter Eighteen
Julien's POV
After the show, as she was ranting about how hot Chris Hemsworth was and how Natalie Portman's looks should be illegalized and how she wished she had Tom Hiddleston's smart mouth, I secretly delighted in her voice, feeling as though I hadn't heard it for so long. With her rambling, I easily, smoothly led her to the location of my first gift.
At the watch shop, I purposely ignored the red-cheeked Asian chick who was so checking me out, and asked with the necessary politeness for the watch I booked yesterday. To be honest, the idea to get her something only hit me two hours before the mall closing time, and I probably pissed off a lot of the shop owners who were getting ready to close. That was when I remembered her...umm...watch, if it could even be called that. So I strode into the closest shop and cast my eyes about for the perfect thing. It didn't even take me long to settle for the Casio watch. It cost me 400 something but if she liked it - which I hoped she would - it'd be worth it just to see the look on her face.
Her scrunched up nose and furrowed eyebrows made me adore her even more, and I knew she was just bursting with anticipation. I took my time taking it out of the shop, the box still closed, taking note of her twitching fingers. It was hard to supress my laugh, but that didn't mean I couldn't smile. As we got closer to the railing, her face was almost red. Honestly, it was funny, but I sobered up.
Just as she was about to spotaneously combust, I opened the box, and watched her face light up. Damn, that was heaven. I watched her nervously as she reached out and stroked it with her finger with an unreadable expression on her face. Surprise? Shock? Disgust? Oh, dear God, please let it be anything but disgust.
She was quiet for so long, I was going to pull a Jamie and start rambling about how I'll take it back and everything, getting more panicky by the second. Then she exhaled slowly, and I saw the wonder portrayed in her eyes. "How did you know this was the one I wanted?" she asked breathlessly, not taking her eyes off the watch. I have to admit, it was a damn pretty watch.
My insides lit up with a hundreds of candles. She wanted this? I thought joyfully, hoping I didn't accidentally voice my thoughts. This was the one she wanted? Oh, I still have taste. But the thought that pulsed through my mind and ignited firecrackers was, I still know what she likes. It gave me such a joy that I almost didn't answer.
Carefully, I unbuckled the fragile old watch that served as her memorial timepiece and set it in her hand. Despite my dislike of that watch because it...well, it just wasn't my style, I knew how much she treasured it. As I slipped her brand new one that fit perfectly onto her wrist, as sparky bolts of fire tickled my skin where I touched her. I watched her stare at it appreciatively, lifting it up to the light where it shone, smiling like a little schoolgirl. I could almost imagine her in a white and black uniform with small red ribbons tying up pigtails, but this was so not the moment.
Instead, I smiled. I still knew how to make her happy, how to make her smile. That was all that mattered for now. I never really spent anything on anyone. Family didn't count, I always got them something for their birthdays and Christmas. Most of my soundtech and instruments were mine, as were the rents I paid for the use of higher class recording rooms. On girls, most to most a lunch. Even though this watch sucked up quite a bit of my money, the look on her face was more than worth it.
Suddenly she threw her arms around me. It startled me, threw me off balance even, but I managed to stand my ground despite the cheeky desire to fall backwards and have her on top of me instead. "Thank you so much," she said into my chest, tickling me and warming me at the same time. I lit up like fireflies at night. "Thank you."
I held her tighter, savouring the delicious feelings that came with this hug that probably meant almost nothing to her but everything to me. I took the opportunity to breathe in her scent, untainted by any perfume, but curiously oranges. My smile turned wry. Her soap. Definitely her soap.
Unwilling to let her go, I stalled for just a little longer before whispering into her sweet-smelling hair, "Anything," and released her. Her hair was tousled and her cheeks were flaming, but the innocence and playfulness that were in her bright eyes remained. Damn it, I missed her embrace already, I thought wistfully, but as before, I held out my hand to her, which she took without any hesitation, and proceeded with our date.
As used as I was to feeling happy around her, feeling perfectly, wonderfully my sarcastic, stubborn, carefree, real-Julien-Marcus self, I wasn't accustomed to the stab of pain that always followed soon after, the raw pain of not being with her. As we walked and shopped, and argued over who to pay, I thought and thought of what else I could do. Her birthday was next month, March 7th. Ironically, it was a week after mine, but number one on my wishlist was her. I pondered over what to buy her, despite the clothes and accessories I'd already gotten for her. She hadn't even shown any interest for anything else other than what she already bought.
Behind my back, she'd also gotten me two new graphic tshirts and a grey slim tie, but nothing else because I'd dutifully kept an eye on her after that, much to her displeasure. It made me feel better that she was still being mischievous and trying to buy me things despite my fuck ups. Just the thought made me better, knowing that I had just a little bit of her trust back.
"What are you smiling at?" she asked curiously, watching me watching her try on a pair of sneaker wedges.
I smiled back mysteriously. "You."
She heaved an exasperated sigh of relief and rolled her eyes in my direction as she stood up and admired the shoes in the mirror. "No shit," she muttered, grinning up at me.
As I matched the look, she sat down and took off the shoes. I half expected her to proceed to the counter to buy them and start another argument with me about who to pay when she put them back on the shelf. Seeing my half surprised, half puzzled expression, she sighed almost forlornly. "Way too expensive," she muttered darkly, walking out of the shop with a half smile as a thank you at the assistant.
I stole a glance back at the shoes, and as she walked out, hurriedly picked it up to look at the price. I winced as I saw the three digits, starting with a two. The urge to curse nearly overtook me, but what did was the memory of her looking at it so regretfully. She really liked the shoes... The assistant approached me, making me look up. She smiled at me, completely unfazed by who I was. But maybe that was because she looked past her 30s. "Round it off to the nearest hundred," she said softly, smiling.
My heart skipped. That was 45$ off! "Really?" I asked, incredulously. I was itching to grab the shoes then and there but I was wondering what reason she had to help me.
The woman's smile widened. "My daughter's a fan," she explained shyly. "And I don't need to guess that was the girl." Her eyebrows raised in the question that she hid in the plain statement. I sighed regretfully, painfully, nodding and eyeing the camouflage shoes.
"Deal," I said finally, and the woman all but snatched up the shoes triumphantly, moving to pack it. "I'll collect it tomorrow," I informed her, taking out a wad of cash and paying her. I'd been about to move out of the shop and head over to whichever other one Jamie was at, but I remembered something and backtracked.
As the kind woman stared at me puzzled, I produced an old receipt from my wallet from God knows when and signed the blank space behind it. She grinned at me happily, and I winked casually.
"Oy, Julien!" I could hear Jamie's call and her footsteps coming closer to the shop. The assistant hastily stowed the box under the counter and smiled sweetly at her as she came in with her hands on those luscious hips. "Julien?" she asked demandingly, grinning playfully at me to let me know she was kidding.
Damn, I love this girl, I thought as I strode to her, putting an arm around her shoulder and leading her to whatever shop she wanted next, even though she was clearly delighted to be using me and my credit card. I kissed her temple carefully, and relished the sight of her red cheeks. It felt like we were already back together, so I couldn't imagine what it'd be like if, in the end, we were.
As we made our way back to her place, with music playing softly on the radio, I kept my hands on the wheels firmly and guided the car with ease, but it took a lot to take my eyes off her. Occassionally I felt smug when I saw her eyes watch me, but what I really wanted to do was take her hand in mine and cuddle with her tight.
I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go
Oh, the words held more meaning to me than she could ever know. In my head I planned to ask her whether she would want to perform with me for the midyear talent show in three months time. By then...well, if all goes well, we could duet not just as a singing couple, but a couple.
This words are my heart and soul
And I'd bleed my heart out to show
Would I? I thought absentmindedly. Would I? Yes, I finally decided. I would. Anything for her.
That I won't let go
The grip on the wheel tightened. No. I'm not going to let her go. Not again. With that I took the opportunity of the red light just before her house to steal a glance at her. She was looking out the window at the lights of the passing cars and the streetlamps, granting me a special moment to stare at her as long as I had to stop at the traffic lights.
Horns brought me back to the present from my daydream as the light flashed green. Quickly, I wound down my window and raised a hand outside as an apology. Her eyes widened at me, and I asked, "You okay?"
"Eyes on the road, Marcus." I could hear the smirky grin in her voice, and it made me match it. Pulling up in front of her house, I left the engine running and opened the door, dreading the moment to say goodbye after such a wonderful day with her, but she remained where she was, staring at me with those alluring eyes. I raised an eyebrow, and cracked a sarcastic question, but secretly delighted in the longer time with her.
As the banter continued, it made me feel better about being with her, but the thought of saying goodbye, even the cliche goodbye at her doorstep, horrific. Just then, she asked whether I was about to do that, and I smiled, marvelling how we can still read each other's thoughts even when we don't know. It just shows how...how perfect she is for me. I just couldn't accept it in time, and now here I am, working my ass off and killing brain cells, burning a hole through my pocket and giving up free time just for the hope of a chance.
And I swear to God, I swear to God that I will not fuck it up again.
I would an arm around her waist as she grabbed her bags, and I walked her to her doorstep. I might've been a player in previously, but I never risked anyone's safety.
Dropping her bags on the floor, I held her hands in mine, nearly touching her forehead with my own. Ignoring my reddening cheeks, I murmured, "Thanks for today." A week ago I didn't think she'd consort to this. I thought she'd avoid me for the rest of her life and I would be stuck longing after her, being with her only in my dreams. But now I'm here, facing her and holding her hands, with her lips just so goddamn close...
All of a sudden she was more enticing, more inviting, more tempting, more alluring. Desire pooled in her eyes, along with regret and sadness and fear, reflected in mine. Memories rushed through my head, and something clenched my heart at the terrifying thought that they wouldn't become reality. Fear bombarded me, confusion.
I wanted to kiss her. Really kiss her. Pour out my heart and soul into that kiss and make her feel the way I really felt about her. Because I just couldn't find the right words to express it, and I didn't think words were enough. If she thought today was as fantastic as it was to me, she had no idea what was coming next. This girl, God, she means the world to me. Why I ever let her go was beyond me but I was determined not to let it happen again.
Time passed as we just locked our gaze, occassionally dropping to glance at each other's lips. More memories resurfaced, now not just of dates and laughs, but of kissing. Thoughts of pointless fights where I was a jerk rose, and how I'd make it up to her purely by pressing my lips hard to hers. That wasn't my policy anymore, she was far too good for that, but... Maybe, maybe if I kiss her now she'd feel it again...
But even as her eyes closed and we both leaned forward to brush lips against each other, I knew it was wrong. What if I couldn't control myself and scared her off instead? What if she thought I was just using her? No, I couldn't let it slip through my fingers, not now after what we'd just been through, the precious hours I just spent with her as she allowed me to treat her the tiniest bit as my girl again.
I pulled back breathing heavily, unwilling to take any chances, making her blink at me in confusion. I thought again about what she said about being me, and quietly explained, messing up my hair even more and not looking at her directly. God knows I wanted to, but I was too scared of the consequences. After I reasoned with her, all those feelings I held back came up to show in my eyes, and I prayed that she saw it. Please know that you mean everything to me, I thought, willing her to hear it even though I knew she wouldn't, and pleaded aloud for her to be patient until the right time came for me to say it all out.
Initially I thought she'd give me this mournful, irritated look that I led her on, but instead her lips split into this breathtaking smile, and I wasn't sure whether my heart welled up with pride or it broke for missing out on it these past two years. Then she leaned forward and planted a light peck on my cheek, shocking me with the first voluntary notion of affection. She had no idea what it meant to me, especially not with this dumbstruck look of happiness and confusion plastered onto my face with my jaw hanging open slightly.
What just happened?
Her giggle and enchanting voice brought me back to the present. "Don't do that, Julien," she muttered shyly, closing my mouth by pushing my jaw back up to meet my upper lip. Just that touch of hers drove me wild. "That's too tempting."
I'm tempting? I thought in wonder, cocking my head to one side as my heart pounded with joy. Without realizing, my eyes widened further, causing her to laugh and in the process, infecting me. I pulled her into my arms, and savoured the warmth of her body pressed to mine. No other girl made me feel like this. I had to be the idiot and ignore the only girl who did for two years, but no longer.
Her arms wrapped around my body, as I whispered into her ear my plead to give me some time to find the right words, and to think about it. Just to think about it. "Please," I added quietly as I pulled back, heart aching for her.
As she locked eyes with me once more with a whispered promise, I pressed my lips lightly but in a long kiss on her forehead, before picking up her bags and giving them to her. With a neat flourish, I bowed like a gentleman with an ear-to-ear grin, delighting in her laugh as she waved, and I closed the door.
Though I hated the thought of being alone and without her again, though I missed her already, my thoughts went back to that kiss she gave me, however light and chaste and small, and suddenly I couldn't stop smiling.
Sorry late update...and yeah, Jamie's POV is next, about how they got together. I decided not to do one of Julien, at least not yet.
Without You by Breaking Benjamin is undoubtedly a new favourite :)
The picture on the right ---> the shoes he bought for her. To be honest I just Googled 'sneaker wedges', and then added 'camouflage' to the back. Voila, and holy hell, do I wish I had them! D: