"THIS WAY, MISS JAMES," the nurse said softly as she led me through the narrow hallway.
I followed her absentmindedly, watching the pale yellow painted walls turn white and bare as we neared the psychiatric ward. White and bare. Dull and void.
Trying not to fall flat on the slippery floor, I concentrated on my walking. The petite nurse whose name I think was Rachel walked straight, her heels clicking away. She might have got used to the slippery floors because I had almost slipped at least a hundred times in my sneakers.
Rachel halted all of a sudden, the friction between my sneakers and floor being not enough to stop me, I lurched forward and knocked the middle aged nurse down.
"Aww," The nurse winced as she rubbed her sore back.
"I am sorry. I didn't mean to... I lost my balance. The floor is very slippery," I apologised but more accurately rambled. The nurse gave me a sharp glare before she sighed.
"That's fine," She said through her clenched teeth and reluctantly grabbed my right hand that I extended to her.
"That is the psychiatric ward," She informed me as she pointed to a door that resembled a prison door. "Your sister is in room 237."
"So you are not going to take me?" I asked, hoping that she would. She scrutinized me, her hazel eyes turned beady as she stared at me.
"No," She replied in a flat tone.
"This is it?" I questioned.
"Yes, this is it."
"But the doctor asked you to take me to the psychiatric ward."
"Yes he asked me to take you to the psychiatric ward and that is the psychiatric ward."
I frowned at her.
"Well he didn't ask me to take you to your sister," She shrugged off.
"Please," I pleaded.
"Sorry, but the place gives me the chills," She said shivering slightly and she slowly took a step back. And before I could interrupt, she walked off with a pace that can't be considered as normal on four inch heels on slippery floors. Maybe she was experienced in abandoning clueless teenage girls who had little sisters with psychological issues at the door to the psychiatric ward.
"That was rude," I muttered as I faced the door and yanked it open.
I don't know why but my skin crawled and my heart pounded. I walked and constantly checked the numbers on the doors. A blood curdling scream was heard which almost stopped my heart from beating. What is this place?
This was the psychiatric ward after all. Of course, it was inhabited by all the crazy people of the city.
"235..236 and that's 237," I murmured as I approached Becky's room. I opened the door slightly and peeked in.
A blast of air hit my face and felt unusually cold on my temple. Becky sat on a hospital bed, looking out of the window and frowning deeply. Her blonde unmanageable curls were secured in messy pigtails. She had her favourite doll in her arms and she was all alone. Her eyes were empty and dead. Was this the little girl who used to have a toothy grin permanently fixated on her face displaying her slightly uneven teeth? Was this the little girl who constantly babbled on Disney princesses? Was this the little girl who always made me smile? Was this the little girl who made me feel loved?
My heart warmed on seeing her slight figure all hunched up in deep remorse. She was clad in a crumpled grey shirt that was two sizes too big for her. Opening the door wider, I stepped into the room. She hadn't noticed me entering.
"Becky," I called out, my voice thickened with worry and tears. It hurt me to see her like this. She turned to face me, frowning slightly at the bright light from the large window. It took a while for her to acknowledge me.
"Allie," She almost shrieked. A bright smile adorned her adorable face. A smile that reached her green eyes. I smiled at her.
"How are you, baby?" I asked as I pulled her into my lap. It worried me that she had lost weight considerably.
"It's so boring here. There is no one around. And you didn't even come to visit me," She complained with her eyebrows furrowed.
"I am sorry. I was so busy at school. But I know it's my fault for ignoring my princess," I told her, apologetically.
"No one came to see me," She pouted. My heart ached for her. Her eyes filled with tears. Our mother was sort of a parent who worried about chipping her newly polished nails than worrying whether we had dinner or not. Being the eldest of the three, Becky became my responsibility from the day she was born. She yearned for mother's attention in all possible ways. Mother ignored Becky most of the time or just shooed her away with the back of her hand.
I sighed deeply as I looked at her innocent face.
"I made your favorite triple chocolate cookies. Don't you want them?" I asked her with a playful smile on my lips. I rummaged through my bag and took out the box. On seeing her sad face morph into one that resembled a glowing lamp, I knew I was forgiven. Only if I could forgive myself.
"Yay, Allie. You are the best," Becky smiled, her cheeks deepened in the middle to form slight dimples.
"Don't tell Scarlett, but you are my favourite sister," She said as she munched on the cookies greedily, sitting on my lap. She rambled on as she dangled her legs, occasionally taking a bite of the cookies. I was happy that she was back to her normal bubbly character.
I sat there for almost an hour, listening to her intently. I retied her pigtails and she praised my cookies. It was these moments of perfect bliss that made me feel fuzzy as well as feel scared if it would end soon enough. She turned her chocolate smeared face at me and I giggled, pinching her cheeks softly. She giggled along with me. And we laid on the bed giggling until our stomachs hurt. I pulled out some wipes from my handbag.
"Momma didn't come to see me," Becky murmured sadly. My hands stopped midair.
"Um.. Hailey was busy with her new job, the entire week. I am sure she...wants to see you." I lied. My relationship with my mother was so formal that I didn't bother to call her 'mom'. After years of negligence from her, I knew she didn't deserved to be called one. When I see Becky trying too hard to make Hailey notice her, it reminded me too much of my own childhood. The one that I had left behind.
"When do you think she will come?" She questioned innocently, her eyes lighting up with hope. My heart clenched tightly.
"Maybe sometime next week," Not wanting to disappoint her, I lied again. Hailey is never going to come.
"Alright," Becky said, failing miserably at her attempt to smile. Even if she was only six years old, she was mature enough to detect my lies and I was good at lying. Maybe not to her.
I hugged her tightly, feeling her heart pace in sync with my own. It comforted both of us against Hailey's indifference.
"Allie, I missed you," Becky whispered against the nook of my neck and I felt my eyes tearing up again. I didn't care that her chocolate smeared face was staining my favourite shirt. As long as we could keep the normalcy of ourselves strong, nothing mattered. Yet, the terrible guilt gnawing at me ruined our peaceful moment.
"I am sorry," I told her as I pulled her away. I could have prevented this and yet I didn't.
"Why are you sorry?" Becky asked, confusion clouded her pretty eyes.
"Nothing, princess," I said avoiding her gaze. I gingerly held her as I cleaned the chocolate off her face.
"Allie, why am I in a hospital?" Becky finally asked. I considered her question and took sufficient time to answer it. I didn't know how to explain to a six year old that she was diagnosed with a mental illness and had to be admitted in the psychiatric ward as no one could interact with her without keeping a two metre distance.
"Because you are sick," I told her trying to divert the question with a simple answer. She didn't look convinced.
"But I don't feel sick. Allie. Am I gonna...die?" She asked, her voice wavering with fear.
"No, of course not, baby. You are not going to die. It's just a small illness and it will soon disappear," I told her while laughing at her idea of dying. She looked noticeably relieved on hearing this.
"So will I be going home soon?" She asked hopefully.
"Yes," I told her truthfully," Dad's coming home soon and he will release you from this hell." When I had informed dad about Hailey admitting his six year old daughter in the psychiatric ward, he was beyond infuriated.
I glanced at Becky who was playing with her doll. She looked so innocent and immaculate. It still surprised me that she had behaved in such a way at the dinner table last week. It was so unbecoming of her. It felt like she was possessed by some notorious soul. I know it's not possible but...
"Becky! Did you just spit on me!" Hailey scowled. I was petrified on seeing Becky do that. Becky smirked evilly.
"Did you just spit at me!" She repeated in her uptight voice. Instead of meekly obeying as she usually does, Becky looked up from her untouched plate and glanced at Hailey, something suspiciously evil lurking in her eyes.
"No," Becky answered in a voice that didn't seem to belong to her. Hailey looked stunned at the rejection. Even I was stunned. This is not my Becky. This is not my Becky. This is not... I kept on chanting.
"What did you say? I have told you not to back answer me too many times before. So why did you spit on me. Answer, me? You, brat!" Hailey spat.
What a nice way to talk to your own daughter? Way to go, Hailey. Hurt grazed Becky's eyes for a second before it dissipated to be replaced by something stony. Something inexplicable. Something that's not seen in the eyes of a usual six year old.
"Shut up, bitch! Yes I spat at you! And I don't regret it," Becky screamed in a voice that I was sure didn't belong to her. Hailey's jaw looked as if it would drop down to the floor. So did mine. So did Scarlett's.
Hailey gripped the sides of the chair opening her mouth and closing it like a fish underwater. A mixture of complicated emotions was seen on her face.
Becky fixated her stony gem green eyes at Hailey as she tore pieces of chicken into her mouth. An evil grin adorned her tiny face. Seeing our mother struggle in a rather uncomfortable situation, seemed to entertain Becky for she laughed. She laughed. Unlike her usual laugh that erupted from her belly. This one was sinister and it felt like it had erupted from the depth of darkness, the pit of evil.
This is not my Becky. This is certainly not the Becky who loved the colour orange more than pink. This is not the Becky who loved chocolate more than anything. This is not the Becky who hugged me when I cried. This is certainly not my Becky. This is...
"Becky, don't talk like that," I told so softly that I could barely hear my own voice. Becky ignored me and laughed notoriously at our sweating, embarrassed mother. She climbed down from her chair and grabbed one of its leg. With one powerful swing of the dining chair, she threw it at Hailey. It missed her by few centimetres. Hailey dropped to the floor as if her body was a mere bag of bones as the chair hit the floor with a violent thump. Becky continued laughing.
The next morning, Hailey forced Becky to go to the hospital. Miraculously, the little girl remembered nothing of what had happened the previous night. Becky thrashed her legs and cried.
I was in my room upstairs. I did nothing except for blocking out her cries with a pillow. I did nothing even if I could have prevented her unnecessary stay in the hospital. I did nothing except watch Becky being forced into an ambulance. I did nothing except let Hailey do her thing. I did nothing to protect my sister.
I am such a bad sister. It's been a week since she was admitted and I couldn't bring myself to see her until today. I was scared of what she had turned into. I was scared to see her like this. I was scared of my six year old sister!
And innocent Becky sat all week waiting for me in this sad grey room all alone except for the passing clouds to accompany her. My heart swelled with guilt. I sat in my room thinking over and over on my decision to visit her. Then I decided, I love her so much and that I was ready to continue loving her even if she was flawed. I was her sister and she relied on me.
Those words she had told Hailey was something no kindergarten student would sprout out all of a sudden. Especially one as sweet natured as Becky. I am beginning to doubt that something more serious and unbelievable was haunting and troubling her. For she looked sort of not herself that day. She looked...possessed.
Now looking at her beam with happiness and hope on my arrival,I realize my mistake of not visiting her earlier. I feel even more guilty. I wished I had enough power to whisk her from this horrible place that smelled of sweat and puke.
"I am so sorry for being such a bad sister. I could have stopped Hailey from bringing you here," I said, tears leaked from my eyes. Becky watched me for a while before scooting closer to me.
"That's fine, Allie. At least you finally came to see me," She said, her voice had changed again but recovered too soon before I could realize. A hint of sadness was seen on her adorable face. I wanted to take her home with me. I knew she had no illness. If she had any, I could figure out and try to cure her, instead of isolating her.
"Becks, why did you shout at Hailey?" I asked her softly. Becky frowned.
"Um.. Everyone asked me that. I don't remember doing it. But Jane told me that I called momma bad things," Becky said guiltily while looking down and playing with her frayed gown.
"Jane?"
"Jane is my best friend."
"But how does she know?"
"She was there with us."
"But I didn't see her," I stared at her in bewilderment.
"You didn't see her? But she is always with me," She told me innocently.
"I have never seen her and I would like to meet her," I told her. Curiosity bubbled within me.
"What are you talking about, Allie? She is standing next to you."