Chapter 36.
X A V I E R
"Fuck!" I yelled as I slammed my fist against the blue bricked wall. Blood started to streak from my new found wound but I didn't give a shit. It hurt like a motherfucker but my head felt that messed up I didn't have it in me to care.
"What the fuck have I done?" I grabbed my hair inbetween my two hands and pulled. I would welcome any pain right now, anything that would get Emily's face out of my fucking mind.
It killed me to leave her when she needed me. She hated me now, I could see it in her eyes. She would definitely not want to marry me, she would want nothing to do with me anymore. Fuck, my heart was crushing.
I was so stupid, so fucking messed up and she cried for goodness sake, she cried for me, because of me. I made her this way all because I couldn't keep my anger in check. I was a shit boyfriend and I was going to be an even worse husband. I didn't fucking deserve her, why had it taken me this long to realise it? Why did I ever think I could live with myself for being happy with someone I didn't deserve?
I laid my forehead which was coated with sweat on the wall. It was a great contrast as the wall was cold. I just needed to calm down.
But how could I calm down? I was stuck behind metal fucking bars and my girl was out there crying without me. I just wanted to hug her close, tell her how much I loved her. I wanted her to stay but I was so scared she'd leave and this time, I think I'd let her. It would fucking kill me but she needed better.
"Hey." A baton was hit lightly against the metal bars to get my attention. I turned around to see the cop. He had a dark black beard and his hat was laying inbetween his waist and his arm. He swung the baton back into its rightful place. I walked up closer to him.
"What?" I couldn't keep the bitterness out of my voice.
"Seems like you've been bailed out." He tutted before unlocking the lock of the bars.
Did that mean Emily was here? Thank fuck! My heart began beating quickly and I actually started to gain hope. I thought she'd let me rot in here all night, I deserved it.
"Thanks." I said to the cop and he grabbed my arm and led me out to the reception area. I looked up to the clock and it was almost four in the morning. I had been locked up for over three hours. That was enough, I had driven myself insane.
It's not the first time I had been locked up but I didn't usually care. I had Emily now and I couldn't be sat inside that cell all night when she needed me. I just fucking couldn't.
As soon as I made my way into the reception area I scanned the place for Emily. I was like a starved man. I needed her.
But as soon as my eyes set on Nick, I lost all hope I had. She hadn't come to bail me out, she must have been mad with me. She was angry, I got that. But God, I didn't want Nick, I wanted Emily.
"What the fuck have you done?" Nick stood up and walked over to me. The cop let me go and Nick walked me out of the station.
"It was just a street brawl." I grumbled. "It doesn't matter." Nick turned to look at me with furrowed brows.
"I thought you had stopped this?" He questioned. I lowered my head. Me too. Emily had changed me for the better, I didn't know why I did it. I just felt so angry yesterday about the whole situation with my mother, I needed a fight, I needed that unleash of anger. It was the only way I knew how.
"Me too." I sighed. I opened the door of Nick's car and got into the passenger seat. Nick got into the drivers seat and started the ignition.
"Seriously, dude, what happened?"
"I was just angry." Was my blatant reply. Angry at my mother, angry at myself, angry at the world as usual.
"How's Emily?" Nick changed the subject but I felt worse talking about Emily. I just wanted everything to be ok again.
"She saw the brawl." I said too quietly. "I think I've fucked up. I think she thought I changed but I don't think I have." I felt so crushed just thinking about it. Fuck.
I went from feeling nothing to feeling everything so deeply. It hurt and now I cared too much. That's what love did to me.
"You have changed." Nick stated adamantly. I'm glad he thought so. "You're so much better than you were and mate, you're feeling things for once. She's changed you, you know."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." He nodded his head in confirmation. "She's done more than change you." Nick exclaimed. "We all fuck up, you just need to apologise. You've unleashed your anger now but a little advice for next time..."
"What?"
"Get a punching bag instead of using an actual human." I chuckled at his reply. A punching bug, that sounded good.
It didn't take long until we were outside of the apartment buildings.
"Thanks for bailing me out, Nick." I said to my cousin. He smiled my way and I realised then that I didn't know what I would have done without him.
"Anytime, cuz." He replied. I then proceeded to get out of the car. I shut the door behind me with one last goodbye and soon Nick whizzed off down the road.
I didn't feel bad about keeping him awake, Nick was like me and never slept much. It must have been a family thing. My father was the same and also my fathers brother, Nick's father.
I made my way into the apartment building. It was dead at this time of the morning. I made my way down the corridors until I was outside Emily's door.
I laid my head against it and sighed. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know whether to go back to my own room and leave her in peace or to go in there and be with her.
The need to be with her and to have her in my arms overpowered any other thought I had. With that decision, I opened the dark wooden door. She was bound to be sleeping, I just wanted to jump into bed and sleep with her there.
But unfortunately, when I opened the wooden door, Emily wasn't in bed or even asleep for that matter. She sat on the sofa, her head inbetween her raised knees and her arms around them. My heart skipped when I saw her. What was she doing awake? She needed her sleep.
As soon as the light flooded into her room, her head snapped up. She had dark purple bags underneath her eyes and her eyes were red. She still wore the dress she wore to the club earlier but her heels were beside the sofa. She looked beautiful, more than beautiful.
"Hi." I whispered. I didn't know what to say or do. I just wanted everything to be ok again but I was scared. Petrified even.
"Hi." She whispered back. I was waiting for her to shout at me, scream, anything to make me know how she was feeling but she didn't say a word.
The room was full of silence, it was deafening.
"Have you not slept?" I asked. I made my way over to her slowly to try and gage her reaction. Was she mad? Angry? Upset? Her face didn't even show me how she was feeling.
"Not really." She went to scratch her head but flinched when she touched her wound. My heart sank. I hurt her. I sat down beside her and she looked at me with fearful eyes.
"Let me take a look at your head." Emily shook her head no. I took in a deep breath. "Emily." I warned. She then turned her head so I could see the small amount of dry blood in her hair. I moved the hair out of the way and saw a small wound with a forming bruise circling it. Fuck.
"It doesn't hurt that much." Emily said quietly.
"Fucking hell, Em." I breathed. "I am so fucking sorry for hurting you like this." In more ways than one.
"You didn't know I was there, I screamed for you to stop but you didn't hear me." She turned back around on the sofa to face me. I didn't want to look into her eyes, I didn't want to see the fear and the sadness anymore. I was a fuck up.
"I can't tell you how sorry I am." I pleaded. "I am so so sorry." I had never apologised so much in my life but this girl was worth every single word. I didn't give a shit about any ounce of my pride.
"I know." She stated before getting up and making her way into the kitchen. I followed her.
She stuck the kettle on and grabbed a cup from out of her cupboard.
"Tea? Coffee?" I didn't like the cold and numb tone she used. It was scaring me. I shook my head no anyway, I couldn't stomach it.
She went back to making her self a coffee. The minutes ticked by and I didn't know what to do or say. I didn't want to push the boundaries with her, not when I knew she was livid with me. I fucked up tonight, there was no excuse for it. I just wanted the fun, happy and loving Emily back.
She took a few sips of her coffee before putting the mug back down on the table in the middle of the room.
"You know..." She trailed off whilst running her fingers along the surface of the counter, her eyes cast down. "I really thought you had stopped all this."
"I know." Is all I could say.
"What made you do it?" She asked, now looking at me.
"I was just angry, I was fucking livid with how things had turned out this week. I just needed release." I stated.
"So you decided to punch the shit into some innocent man?" Her voice was rising suddenly. I scoffed.
"He was hardly innocent." The prick was asking for it.
"Xavier, for fuck sake." She groaned. "Everything was fine! Why did you have to get your self arrested? Why did you have to fight?" I didn't know what to say.
I didn't have to do anything. She was right, I chose to do it even when I knew I shouldn't have. I knew Emily never liked it when I fought but this time I actually hurt her too in the midsts of it all.
"I thought we were going to be okay." Emily stated. I looked to her pleadingly.
"We are going to be okay!" I went to take her hand but she snatched if back from my grasp. I started to panic. Was she leaving?
"No." She shook her head. "I don't know." I went to take her hand again but she moved away. "Look, I don't think we should get married after all."
"What?" I'm sure I was starting to hyperventilate. I fucking needed her. She couldn't go, she couldn't leave.
"I just don't think we're capable of it just yet. Marriage is more than just love. It's caring for each other and getting ready for a family. We're not ready for that yet, you're not ready for that." She looked to me with determination in her eyes. She didn't want this but she knew it was for the best. "I'm actual quite grateful about what you did, it made me realise that we are just not cut out for marriage yet. I dont know what was wrong with me. Why did I ever think marrying you would be a good thing?" He words were like sharp blades to my heart.
"You don't mean that." I whispered, barely able to get the words out.
"I do." Emily nodded her head. "I really do."
"So you're leaving?" Those words fucking hurt to say.
"I don't know, I need some alone time to think."
"No." I forced. "No. You can't leave." I grabbed her chin between my thumb and finger. I lifted her head until she was looking at me in the eyes. Her eyes were red and a tear slipped down her cheek. I wiped it away.
I said to myself if she wanted to leave I would let her but as it was actually coming true I didn't think I could.
"I just need to be alone." I dropped her chin from my grasp.
"Fine, if you want to leave then you can fucking leave." I was angry, so fucking angry at myself for making this happen. "But Emily, no one will ever fucking love you like I do."
With that, I turned around and made my way to the door. This was it.
"And I love you." I turned back around to face her. She looked like a little girl standing there with her arms around her body. My heart ached for her.
"Then why are you leaving?"
"Because I don't want you to destroy me." I could barely hear her words. Destroy her? Was that what I was doing?
"Is that what you think I'm doing?" I asked. Emily shrugged. "I wouldn't destroy you, I wouldn't break you, I just want to fucking love you and have you by my side forever." I gushed. Destroy her? Like fucking shit I would do that intentionally.
"I just need to think if you're what's best for me."
I closed my mouth. I didn't know what to say. I knew I wasn't the best for her, she deserved a hell of a lot better than me. She deserved the world and I could only give her half of it.
"I'm too selfish to want you with anyone better." I said. Way too selfish for that.
"And I'm too stupid to want it either."
"I'll give you time." I finalised. "But I love you way too much to let you go so easily. If you don't love me and this is one hundred percent what you want to do then fine, but I'll fucking fight for you, I'm good at fighting." I tried to lighten the mood but it only seemed to make Emily worse.
"It's not fucking funny, Xavier." I apologised in reply.
"I'm serious though, Em, I finally found someone who made my life worth living, don't doubt for one minute I wouldn't find you again and again and again." Emily didn't reply. I opened the door and gave her one last look. I really did hope she would stay and not choose to leave.
"See you around." She whispered. She wore a blank expression, all void of emotion.
"Yeah."
I made my way back to my room and flopped onto the bed. I wasn't going to get a wink of sleep tonight.
I couldn't help but keep thinking.
I realised then that she made me care so deeply, so strong and all I did was make her feel no emotion at all.
I stripped away all that was her.
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ATTENTION: I've made a new story and it's the second series of this book. It's about Nick so you should check it out!! Thank you x
Poor Xavier :( hope you liked it X