Chapter Fifteen
Late Night Call
I'm woken up by the horrendous sound of my ringing phone.
There's no way it's time to get up for work already.
As I slip out of my slumber I realise that it's not the sound of my alarm, but the ringtone of an incoming call.
I rub my eyes and look at my blindingly bright phone screen blinking rapid to adjust my vision.
Desirae.
What could she possibly want at 2:26 in the morning?!
I answer and lie back on my bed nearly falling asleep again.
"Hello?" I breathe groggily.
"Hey Chris," whispers the voice of Desirae, "sorry to wake you."
I don't reply, right now speaking is too much of an exhausting task.
I wait for her to say something as my eyelids get heavier and heavier as the seconds go by, but nothing.
Something is clearly on her mind or bothering her, I can sense it. But why is she calling me?
I heave a sigh and put my own selfish desires to the side for a minute and decide to be a good person for a change.
I lay on my back and I stare at the ceiling,
"What's wrong Desirae?" I ask as politely as possible, which was difficult. I'm a lot of things when my sleep is disturbed but polite isn't one of them
"Nothing's wrong," she says airily.
She's clearly lying, she's either overwhelmed or drunk.
Usually, I wouldn't have the patience for this. If it was any other person, I would've hung up; actually, no, I wouldn't have even picked up the phone.
But it wasn't anybody else; it was Desirae.
The only person I've been thinking about for the last three days since we hugged last Friday night.
Actually the only person I've wanted to see.
I don't know, with her it's like she's slowly but surely breaking down the walls I've built around myself, she touched the heart I didn't know I had with a simple hug.
She is the most powerful person I know because she makes an invisible person like me feel seen, an echo like me, heard and a lonely soul like me; cared for.
That's something I can't convince myself. That Desirae doesn't care for me and the harder truth; that I am not starting to care for her.
"You want to tell me what's the matter? I've had my fair share of bad nights and you're clearly having one," I say with my eyes shut.
"It's hard sometimes," she says, "I don't know how you do it, Chris."
"Do what?" I ask in surprise and somewhat defensively.
"How you live... you're alone in the world... but you don't feel lonely."
"What makes you say that?" I ask, suddenly more awake than ever.
She's quiet, as if figuring out how to word what she wants to say.
"Loneliness is a feeling that even the most supported people feel... it's a human emotion, I feel it all the time.... But I just tell myself that I'm going to be okay," I say, but it feels more like I'm saying it to myself than to Desirae.
She sniffles, I feel an urgent need to say something to her before she starts full-blown wailing.
"Desirae you aren't alone... you have Molly and your grandmother."
"Sometimes I need a shoulder to lean on Chris. The only two people I have, rely on me for everything, they will always have me to support them, but who do I have?"
"You have me, Desirae." I hear my voice say instinctively.
I'm startled, those words came out in my voice yet with a tongue that does not feel like my own.
I think for a moment; I have never deeply reflected on the life Desirae lives. She has a baby sister and a grandmother, people to call a family, I never thought for a moment that she could be one to experience the crippling pain of loneliness I experience every now and again.
I was naïve to think that loneliness was only experienced by the alone.
I guess I wanted to let her know that I could be her shoulder to lean on because I've never had that.
I know the too familiar sting of loneliness that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.
"And you have me Chris," says Desirae confidently, sounding more like her usual self.
I feel a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth and I don't resist.
We both lay in silence, enjoying the moment, letting everything that has been said resonate between us in this late and lonely hour.
"I don't know what you've gone through Chris, but I know you've lost those you hold as dear as I did... I don't think I've known anyone with so much strength..."
"I don't know if it's strength.... Just more of a numbness," I say as my mind drifts away.
"But you carry on, you don't let your past hold you back."
"I try to run away from it, it's a dark place I never want to revisit." I shut my eyes hard to repress the memories that always seem to pop up at this time of night.
"But Desirae, I'm not like you... you had a perfect life with a perfect family and you had that taken away from you.
"My life has been hell from the minute I was born until the moment I turned eighteen. You shouldn't let your past weigh you down because you feel your happiest memories are behind you.
"It's a tough life Desirae, but you deserve a beautiful one, don't settle for anything less."
I have always let my honesty get the best of me; but never have I ever, let it possess me to speak words that came from the heart.
"We are more alike than you realise Chris, we may have different stories but they're written in the same book."
For some reason this resonates with me deeply. Artists huh? They always have a way with words.
"Everything about you Chris, brings me comfort."
I try to figure out what this means but give up almost immediately.
My mind is racing after everything that was said in these moments; allowing me to look deeply within myself, inside my warm soul that I thought was cold, inside my beating heart which I thought was dead.
It was like looking into a mirror at a reflection of who I truly am rather than who I try to be.
"I want to take you somewhere really special to me on Saturday... would you let me?" asks Desirae's calming voice.
"Yeah," I say almost immediately without thinking.
I can feel myself changing, for once, I don't dread closeness with Desirae; the idea of seeing her soon excites me and I can't lie to myself about it.
The odd thing is; I don't want to.
And I don't regret agreeing to seeing her so quickly after she asked.
"Thank you for this night Chris... you truly are beautiful," says Desirae's tired voice.
My heart skips a beat.
"Goodnight, Desirae."
As I lay down to sleep, millions of thoughts rush through my mind but one hits me the hardest.
Desirae and I are more alike than I could've ever imagined.
I heavily plaster myself with a stone-cold shell to protect the heartbroken soul I am within and Desirae projects light and everything good to hide the heartbroken soul she is within.
We are indeed, different stories in the same book.
I shut my eyes before I'm hit with another hard-hitting realisation.
I needed this night, these words, this conversation with Desirae tonight more than she did.