The Letter:
Dear mother (if I can even call you that)
My therapist and I have agreed that this is the best way to confront my fears and get over them in the end. It must make you really happy to hear you are my biggest fear in life. You've made it your life's mission to make me scared and feel as if I'm worth nothing.
Ever since I was a little girl, you've been telling me how ugly I am and how disgusting you think I am. For a while I didn't even dare look in the mirror because I believed you. Until this day I find it difficult to accept that I'm even decent looking, let alone an idol people call beautiful, but I'm getting there.
For the longest time I've felt like nothing. I grew up with absolutely nothing too. You never gave me an ounce of your love and I still don't even know why. You tell me it is because dad left, that if was all because of me you were broke. You had to take care of me, pay for my needs and deal with the loss of your great love. You always told me he left because he couldn't handle having a child. And that I was the most difficult child to begin with.
And that's why you chose him, isn't it? You yourself believed you were nothing and thought he was the best you could do. In the beginning I thought it was all a phase, you asking him to punish me. That if would all be over soon. After a while I got used to it, the occasional slaps and the pulls on my hair. Even him coming into my room when I was changing. After growing up some more you just got worse. You asked him to hit me, hard, in spots no one would notice. He even hit me with his belt that night, to which I still hold the scars to prove it. And all because I found an old picture of my dad.
You just couldn't handle me thinking about the person who left us, could you? Is that why he had to mutilate me? Is that why you wanted me to have scars for the rest of my life? Or even almost starve to death?
I used to always run off to Hoseok's place whenever I knew the beatings were going to be worse. It worked for the time I was there, but when I came home, I got my beatings anyway. Even harder than they were supposed to be because I ran to him again. But I gladly took them, because he was the only person in the world who made me feel even a little bit of a human being. He's probably who saved me from myself at that point. I was at my lowest when I met him, having the feeling of dying all the time. That way you would be better off and I wouldn't be in so much pain anymore. Hoseok was the only person who looked at me, the only one who cared. And how could I hurt the only person who cared for me in this entire world? He was more than my friend. He was my savior.
The night I ran off, the night you made him mutilate me, I took the picture of dad with me. I ran to the bus stop and put out all the money I had saved up and took a ride to Seoul. It wasn't even nearly enough to pay it, but the bus driver saw how desperate I was and let me go. Once I got to Seoul I searched for dad, wanting to be saved from this misery, but stumbled upon something even better. A woman scouted me, telling me how beautiful I was. She wanted me to come to her firm for tryouts. That day I was about to pass out due to lack of food and water. You didn't feed me all week. The only reason I went with her was because there was free food. I ate that day, my stomach hurt because it was so much.
They accepted me, told me I was beautiful and talented. That was the first time I'd really heard someone say something like that to me. It took me a while to believe them. The woman also saw how troubled I was and that I needed help. I told her a bit of the story and she settled it with you. They were the ones who gave me a chance.
And that's why I'm writing this letter today. Because of them and everyone who ever believed in me. Because they deserve to see me happy and content with myself. They've put too much effort into my wellbeing to see me crumble every single time you're near me. From now on I won't let your words have that effect on me. It'll be tough, but you won't have a hold on me anymore. I will be confident, not afraid and myself from now on. I will learn to trust and leave you behind me. Who knows, maybe one day I'll even forgive you. Circumstances have made you this way, I know that. You must've been loving once upon a time.
I hope we both can find peace after this. That we both will be at ease with ourselves. Redemption is just around the corner. Always remember that.
Love
Your daughter