I know, I know, a million years later....but it was Christmas and incredibly busy what with friends and presents and blah blah blah...whatever, i suck. Here's a chapter and I'm gonna have a new one within the next couple of days cause someone is depending on me. Merry belated Christmas, Happy belated New Year and good day to you all!
Enjoy!
Chapter 32
“What’s up with you today?” Jenna asked, plopping down next to me on the piano bench once we finished our last rehearsal before Christmas.
I blinked my dry eyes, my mind whirring with activity as I realized that I was still sitting at the piano with my fingers resting lightly on the keys and my foot hovering over the pedals. Slowly, I pulled my hands back and set them in my lap, giving Jenna a sheepish look and a shrug. “I’m just a little distracted,” I said, running a hand over my face, trying to wipe away the exhaustion I was feeling. “I didn’t sleep very much last night.”
She shrugged and tilted her head to the side, giving me a curious look. “You never sleep,” she said, her forehead wrinkling in confusion. “Are you sick?”
I shook my head and let out a heartfelt sigh, feeling a little sick to my stomach but it had nothing to do with the flu. “Savannah wants me to spend Christmas Eve with her and her parents.”
“Savannah? As in the daughter of the people who adopted you then tossed you aside? Well, that sounds like a fun Christmas,” she said wryly.
“Yeah,” I mumbled, my shoulders slumping as I turned to face the heavily marked up sheet music in front of me wishing it had the answers.
“So what are you going to do?”
I shrugged, running a hand through my hair in frustration. “I don’t know. Spending any part of the holidays with Ben and Sarah would be...hard,” I said, having to force my voice out over the sudden lump in my throat. “But...”
“Yeah yeah, I get it, you love Savannah and you want to spend Christmas with her so you’re thinking you could just bite the bullet and deal with Ben and Sarah because at least the little tyke will be there,” Jenna said, rolling her eyes in my direction. “So why are we even having this conversation?”
I frowned at her in confusion. “Because I can’t decide if I should spend Christmas with─”
“Yes you can,” she said firmly, cutting me off. “You’ve already decided and we both know it.” She tilted her head to the side, making her long blonde hair fall over her shoulder as a small smile stretched across her lips. “That little girl was your sister from the moment you laid eyes on her, anyone could see that and with the freakish way that you love Christmas, it’s obvious that you would walk through fire to spend even a tiny piece of the holiday with her.”
I blinked, seeing an uncharacteristic softness in Jenna’s green eyes as she looked at me. “Jenna,” I said quietly, feeling a little choked up because of her words.
Swiftly, she jumped to her feet and took a step back from the piano bench, the kindness in her eyes turning into a disgusted look. “Oh come on, don’t get all mushy now. The only reason I’m being nice to you is because you were so distracted today that your sound was off.”
“My sound was off?” I repeated, sitting up straight, and whipping my head to face the piano again, flipping through the sheet music, trying to remember exactly how I played everything. “Which part?” I asked, stopping on a page that was particularly covered in pencil markings. “Was it this one?” I asked, pointing at the section that we’d worked hardest on but I was sure that we got it right. I had been a little distracted but when I was playing, my thoughts were focused on the music. “Was it?” I asked, when she still didn’t respond, whipping my head around to face her but she wouldn’t meet my eyes.
She gave a vague wave of her hand and said, “It was just the general feeling I got from you today. There’s nothing I could pinpoint.”
I raised an eyebrow at her and leaned back on the bench, narrowing my eyes in suspicion. “You’re embarrassed because you were being nice, aren’t you?”
She shrugged and turned away from me, heading towards the corner of the studio where she’d tossed her jacket. “I have a reputation to uphold, okay? I’m not nice.”
My lips twitched as I watched her pull on her jacket, her movements jerky and awkward as she tried to rush out of there. “Wait,” I said when she had her jacket on and hastily, I rummaged in my purse that was sitting on the floor for the gift that was inside, clumsily wrapped by me. “I got you something,” I said, standing from the bench and moving towards Jenna holding the package out to her.
“Oh,” she said, reaching out to grab the first half of her present, beginning to unwrap it immediately.
“Shouldn’t you wait until Christmas?” I asked but she’d already opened it and I couldn’t keep the grin off my face as she glared at me. “Do you like it?” I asked, gesturing to the signed copy of our record on vinyl that she was holding.
“No,” she said flatly but she didn’t move to hand it back to me like I expected her to.
I laughed and shook my head before going back to my purse and taking out the second half of her gift. “Here,” I said, handing it to her. “This is your real gift.”
“If this is a signed t-shirt or something, I’m going to be pissed.”
“Just open it.”
She narrowed her eyes at me in irritation but she started unwrapping it anyway. “Rose,” she said quietly when she saw the leather bound notebook with her name engraved on the front.
“I know you don’t write much of your own music but the one song on your album that is an original is my favourite so I just thought I’d give you something to jot down ideas in. Do you like it?” I asked, feeling a little nervous. I didn’t have a lot of experience giving gifts to my friends. Mostly because I never really had friends aside from Sheldon before now so I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d gotten her the right thing.
“It’s great,” she said, her voice soft and genuine as she ran her hand over the soft cover and when she looked up at me, I could tell that she was being sincere. “Thanks.”
“No problem. It’s fine if you didn’t get me anything but I just wanted you to know that I feel like you and I have become really good fr─”
“Whatever,” she said cutting me off as she tossed her hair over her shoulder and went back to the corner where she stored her stuff. “Don’t get all sappy but I got you something too,” she said, bending down to pick up a box about the length of my arm and the width of my forearm. She thrust it into my hands, with an eyebrow raised and a hip cocked, her usual attitude shining through. “Take it,” she said, shaking the box slightly.
I took it as a wide grin spread across my face, touched at her gesture. “Thank y─”
“I knew you’d get sappy,” she said, cutting me off again and turned on her heel. “I’m leaving. If you don’t like it, then throw it out,” she said over her shoulder just before the door clicked shut behind her, leaving me alone in the studio with her present in my hands.
I shook my head at her attitude but I forgot about it as I sank down on the piano bench and carefully peeled back the wrapping paper, revealing a flimsy white box underneath. When I opened the box, I gasped, seeing the dark purple material that sparkled in the dim lighting. Slowly, I pulled out the dress and held it up in front of me, letting it unfold to its full length, the end pooling on the floor. It was strapless and cinched in at the waist, the skirt long and flowing. It was beautiful and even though I wasn’t one to wear dresses, I wanted this one.
Carefully, I draped the dress over my arm and picked up the note at the bottom of the box.
Rose,
Your taste in clothing is atrocious. Wear this to the benefit so you don’t embarrass the record company. Don’t cry, I bought it on my father’s credit card.
Jenna.
I chuckled lightly, hearing her voice in my head as I read the letter, somehow finding her insults endearing. Maybe it was because it was Christmas or maybe it was because I was now officially confirmed as a performer for Olivia’s benefit concert. After the phone call with Jocelyn, the event organizers had told Sheldon that it was all just a misunderstanding and that of course I was still invited. Though I felt guilty for hurting Jocelyn, this benefit meant more than her misplaced blame.
“Is that a dress?”
I jumped slightly at the sound of Mac’s voice, my heart doing a flip flop in my chest as I jerked my head towards the door in time to see him walk inside and shut it behind him. “Yeah,” I said, my voice coming out slightly breathless as I took him in, my eyes drifting over his long frame, resting a moment too long on his broad chest and shoulders covered by a dark grey t-shirt and an open jacket. His hair was messier than usual, that one lock dangling close to his eye, making my hands twitch with the need to brush it aside and then sink my fingers into it. “What are you doing here?” I asked, a smile stretching across my lips as he moved close to me and leaned down to plant a sweet kiss on my lips.
“I missed you,” he said softly, his voice slightly hoarse and his eyes a little dazed as he looked down at me before leaning in again and kissing me more thoroughly.
“Oh,” I said breathlessly when he pulled back, my eyes only half open and my heart pounding hard in my chest. “I missed you too.”
“So, what’s with the dress?” he asked, glancing down at the garment that was now haphazardly draped across my lap, forgotten as soon as Mac had entered the room.
“Jenna got it for me,” I said, smiling slightly as I held the dress to my chest, feeling touched by her gift even though she’d told me not to. “Isn’t she sweet?”
Mac raised an eyebrow at me and gave me a look of disbelief. “Sweet? That is not the word I would use to describe Jenna.”
I shook my head and looked down at the dress, my smile widening as the light reflected off the slightly shimmery material, making it seem like it was dancing when I shifted it slightly. “She’s got a hard exterior but inside, she’s just as soft as a teddy bear,” I said, carefully folding the dress and placing it in its box just the way it had come.
“Teddy bear?” Mac mumbled, giving me a dumbfounded look. “Are you okay?” he asked, reaching out to put the back of his hand against my forehead, checking my temperature.
I batted his hand away and scowled up at him. “You do know you should try to get along with her, right? Not only is she the daughter of the head of our record label but she’s also going to be on tour with us for four months.”
He tilted his head to the side and gave me a curious look. “You want me to get along with the girl who actively tried to make me her boyfriend from the first moment that we met?”
My scowl deepened at the thought of Jenna’s forward behaviour towards Mac and as I stood up from the piano and picked up my bag, I said, “You’re right. It might be better if you two kept your distance at all times.”
Mac gave a low chuckle that sent tingles down my spine before slinging his arm over my shoulders and heading towards the door but I shrugged his arm off, not wanting anyone who might still be at Hereafter records to see us together just in case it got back to Dom somehow.
Mac scowled at me but he kept his arms at his sides until we were about a block away from the studio when he reached out and linked his fingers with mine, letting out a long sigh at the same time.
I bit my lip as we walked, staring down at the lightly snow covered ground, trying to figure out where to begin. When we were standing just outside of my building, I realized that we’d been silent the entire walk and I’d been debating on how to start the conversation telling him that I would be going to see Savannah on Christmas Eve instead of spending it with him.
“What is it?” he asked softly, reaching out to place a finger under my chin, tilting my head back so that I was looking him in the eye. “What’s wrong?”
I couldn’t keep the soft smile off my face, loving him so much for realizing that there was something on my mind. My smile faded though when I swallowed hard and said, “Savannah invited me to spend Christmas Eve with her.”
His eyes narrowed and a muscle in his cheek twitched as he clenched his jaw, dropping his hand to his side but keeping his fingers linked with mine. “What did you tell her?”
“I haven’t responded yet.”
“So you didn’t tell her no,” he said, his voice low and strained, his blue eyes lighting with something close to anger.
“Mac, I want to go,” I said quietly, telling him the truth.
He stepped back from me and loosened his grip on my hand until we were no longer touching. “I don’t think it’s a good idea,” he said after a moment, his eyes focused to the side, avoiding my gaze.
“I know,” I said quietly, my heart squeezing in my chest at the thought of spending my favourite holiday with the two people who adopted me then abandoned me but then I thought of Savannah and my heart lifted, knowing that spending Christmas with her would be worth it.
He reached up a hand to run through his thick hair, making it even messier than it had been. Finally, he looked back at me, his bright blue eyes clashing with mine and I saw a host of emotions skitter across them as he considered me. “You’ve already made up your mind, right? Nothing I say is going to change it?”
“I’m going,” I said simply.
He let out a frustrated breath and clenched his jaw before stepping closer to me again and gripping my arms, leaning down to bring our eyes to the same level. “Don’t go.”
“I have to.”
“No, you don’t,” he growled, his blue eyes lit with fire as his lips turned down into a scowl. “You don’t owe them anything, Rose.”
“I know that,” I snapped, narrowing my eyes on him as the beginnings of anger took hold of me, wishing that he would just understand and not fight me on this. “I’m not going for Ben or Sarah, I’m going for my sister because she wants to see me this Christmas and I want to see her too.” I let out a sigh and shook my head, trying to think about this calmly, not wanting to get into a fight with him, not now when everything had finally started to work out. “Look, I’m sorry I’m going to miss Christmas Eve with everyone─”
“It’s not that,” he said, letting go of my arms to wave a dismissive hand, his face set in a deep scowl as he started pacing in front of me.
“Then what is it?” I asked, frowning at him as he continued to walk back and forth, keeping his eyes focused on the sidewalk in front of him as if he was trying to figure out the meaning of life. “Why are you getting so mad at me?”
He stopped pacing suddenly and turned to face me his scowl deepening even further as his eyes connected with mine. “I’m not mad at you, Rose,” he growled before giving a small shake of his head and running a hand over his face. His eyes softened slightly when they connected with mine again and he stepped closer to me, reaching his hand out to rest it gently on my cheek. “I’m worried that you’re going to go there and they’re going to hurt you again. I’m angry that they even have the power to hurt you after everything they’ve already put you through.”
“I’ll be fine,” I said, giving him a small, reassuring smile.
He shook his head and brought his other hand up to frame my face, warming my cheeks in his big palms. “There’s no way I can convince you to stay?” he asked softly, his forehead wrinkled in a frown as his eyes roved over my face, searching for something.
“No,” I said softly but firmly, giving my head a small shake at the same time.
“All right,” he said finally, leaning closer to me to press his lips against my forehead. “All right,” he repeated, obviously trying to convince himself that he was okay with me going but when he wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug, the stiffness in his back muscles told me that he was still worried and I couldn’t stop the warm feeling from spreading through my chest at the thought of having someone who cared about me enough to worry.
“I love you,” I whispered against his chest, wrapping my arms around his waist and letting my eyes drift closed, taking a deep breath of his familiar scent.
“You’re just trying to make me feel better,” he grumbled but some of the tension eased out of his back as he tightened his hold on me.
“Is it working?” I asked, my lips twitching.
“No,” he said.
I pulled back slightly and tilted my head back, going on my tip toes in order to press my mouth against his for a quick kiss. “What about now?”
His lips twitched as he looked down at me, his eyes focused on my mouth. “Not quite,” he said hoarsely.
“No?” I said scrunching my face in mock confusion before shrugging. “Oh well, see you later then,” I said breezily, pushing out of his arms to go to my apartment but I barely made it a step before Mac gripped my wrist and pulled me firmly against him again.
“Let’s try one more time,” he said, his lips brushing against mine as he spoke before he closed the distance, kissing me soundly, slanting his mouth over mine for a deep kiss that curled my toes and made my brain turn to mush.
I lost track of time as we stood there, kissing just outside of my apartment building under the light of the street lamp. Mac was the one who broke the kiss, bringing me back to earth with a jolt. I blinked a couple times as I tried to get my breathing under control, getting a sense of satisfaction to see that Mac’s chest was rising and falling quickly too, just as affected by the kiss as I was.
“You should get some sleep,” he said softly, running a finger over the dark circle under my left eye.
“I’m okay,” I said just as I gave a huge, jaw cracking yawn.
“Yeah right,” Mac said on a chuckle, grabbing my hand and leading me into the apartment building, taking my keys from my hand and unlocking the door himself before doing the same for the door to my apartment.
“Thanks,” I mumbled, heading inside and trying to pull my jacket off but it was made difficult by the guitar that was still strapped to my back. “Oh yeah,” I mumbled, clumsily grabbing at the straps and trying to shrug the case off as I yawned again, my vision blurring with involuntary tears.
Mac let out a sigh from behind me and reached over to pull the guitar off my back with ease. “How do you always end up like this?” he asked, leaning the guitar against the wall and pulling my jacket off next, my limp arms falling away from the sleeves as I was overcome by a wave of exhaustion.
“Five days,” I muttered, blinking my dry and tired eyes at the couch, the few feet between me and the soft cushions seeming way too far at the moment.
“Until what?” he asked as I managed to take the few steps to the couch and plop onto it. “Christmas is only three days away.”
I shook my head, trying to get my mind to focus as I reached over and picked up my acoustic guitar. “Five days since I slept at your house,” I said as I began to strum lightly, not really needing to be awake to play music. I felt a smile stretch across my face as a soft sigh escaped my lips when my fingers struck the first chord of For You by Tracy Chapman and smoothly, I switched from playing random chords to playing an actual song.
“Rose, you have to sleep, even when I’m not with you.”
I shook my head, extending the intro of the song, wanting to hear Mac’s voice with my guitar. “I sleep a bit. I just wake up a lot and find it hard to fall back asleep. When you’re there, I don’t wake up until morning.” I shrugged and let my eyes drift closed as my fingers continued to play the intro, the music filling the small living room and lifting my heart, making me forget any fear I’d been feeling at the thought of visiting Ben and Sarah. “Will you sing?” I asked quietly, my voice barely above a whisper, not wanting to disrupt the sound of my guitar.
“You should sleep,” Mac hedged but I could tell that he felt it too, that he wanted to sing.
“Soon,” I mumbled as I finally finished the intro and headed into the first verse, Mac joining me with his usual perfect timing, his voice matching the sound of my guitar in a beautiful melody.
I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, falling into the music completely, my skin tingling from the low and slightly roughened sound of Mac’s voice as he sang with the same passion he always sang with. When I hit the last note, I let it ring, feeling a shiver go down my spine at the beauty of it. “God, I love this feeling,” I whispered once the sound of the last note finally faded from the room and I opened my eyes to send Mac a lopsided grin. “Play me something,” I said, holding my guitar out to him.
“Do you ever get sick of it?” he asked as he took the guitar from my hands and settled it on his lap.
“Music?” I asked and he nodded as he began to play the first chords to Moonshadow by Cat Stevens. “No,” I said when his voice joined the guitar, the two mingling perfectly and making my heart skip a few beats. “You?” I asked when there was a break in the lyrics.
“No,” he said, sending a grin towards me, making my breath hitch.
I don’t know how long he played for but I woke up when he lifted me off the couch, his strong arms holding me securely. “I fell asleep,” I mumbled, my forehead wrinkling in a frown as my eyes settled on the guitar that was now in its stand against the wall. “I wanted to listen to you play.”
“You hear me play every day.”
“Not the same,” I muttered as he set me onto the mattress, my eyes closing as soon as my head hit the pillow. “Stay,” I said quietly, hoping he got the message because in the next second, I was asleep.
As I stepped off the bus on Christmas Eve, I vowed to work on getting my driver’s licence after the New Year. I’d spent the past forty-five minutes sitting next to a smelly man with bad breath who happened to have read a magazine that mentioned me and the boys in it so he recognized me immediately. He’d kept up a steady chatter about all his favourite bands for the entire trip going into detail about all the drugs he’d done in the seventies and how many famous people he’d met over the years. I gave the man a stiff smile as he waved at me, heading towards where a taxi was waiting for him and when he got in, I breathed a sigh of relief, finally able to use my nose again without cringing.
My eyes scanned the crowd for Ben, Sarah and Savannah who said they’d meet me at the bus station and when I spotted them, my heart gave a little lurch at the happy sight in front of me. Ben and Sarah were standing slightly behind Savannah who was going onto her tiptoes to scan the crowd coming off the bus, looking for me while her parents rested their hands on her shoulders. When my eyes connected with hers, I couldn’t stop the wide smile from spreading across my lips at the sight of her grin.
“Rose!” she shouted, waving her hand frantically over her head, trying to break away from her parents but they kept a hold on her shoulders, not letting her go until I was closer to them. When they finally did, she ran right up to me and flung her arms around my waist. “I’m so glad you came,” she said, leaning her head back to grin up at me, her sincerity shining from her eyes making my heart lift in my chest.
“Me too,” I said quietly, giving one of her pigtail braids a gentle tug. I looked up at Ben and Sarah and gave them a tentative smile, feeling like I was on uneven footing with them. The last time I’d seen them, I’d screamed at them for not loving me and Dan had confessed that he’d been the one to spray paint the building. I wasn’t quite sure where that left us and from the looks on their faces, they were just as unsure as I was. “Merry Christmas,” I said quietly, my voice cracking a bit halfway through the words and I hastily cleared my throat.
“Merry Christmas, Rose,” Ben responded, giving me a warm smile that made my heart lift and twist all at the same time.
I nodded at Sarah who just nodded back and gave me a small smile as she turned her back and started walking towards the parking lot. “Come on, we have a busy day ahead of us and I cooked way too much food so you need to start eating as soon as possible.”
I let out a short chuckle that was cut off when Savannah reached out and gripped my hand in her smaller one, giving it a little squeeze as she smiled brightly up at me. “Come on, Rose,” she said quietly and I could only nod, feeling choked up at her gesture.
Throughout the whole drive, Savannah kept up a steady stream of conversation centred around music and piano and I barely had a chance to get a word in edgewise but I didn’t mind. Her eyes were alight with her love of music and I couldn’t stop the feeling of kindred towards her from growing. More and more, my heart was telling me that this girl was my sister regardless of genetics or backgrounds and I didn’t even bother trying to argue myself out of it. I already loved her like a sister and I wasn’t about to stop.
I was too distracted by Savannah’s monologue about which of my albums as Rosemary Keen was the best to take in the house in any detail. I managed to notice that it was smaller than Mac’s house and it looked well-kept when we walked in the front door. Everything was clean and well lit, Christmas decorations hanging on the walls and off of shelves. My eyes caught on the pictures hanging from the walls of the whole family and I felt a pang in my chest at the sight of their happy faces but I pushed the pain aside, focusing instead on taking off my shoes and keeping my face blank, not wanting them to see the confusing jumble of emotions I was feeling from being in their house even though it wasn’t the same one they’d lived in with me.
“Can we open presents right now?” Savannah asked excitedly, her eyes wide and pleading as she looked up at her mother. Sarah gave her a serious look but her lips twitched and after a moment she nodded and laughed out loud when Savannah raced ahead of us into the living room where the tree was. “How long are you staying, Rose?” Sarah asked, not turning to look at me as she watched her daughter sit eagerly next to the presents, ready to distribute them.
“The bus leaves at eight thirty,” I replied easily, following Ben and Sarah into the living room and settling on the love seat closest to where Savannah was.
“Can’t you stay longer?” Savannah asked, frowning up at me.
“Not this time,” I said, giving her a warm smile as I reached into the bag I’d brought with me and pulled out two gifts. “The top one is for you,” I said, feeling a little awkward. “And um, the bottom one is for your parents.”
“Oh, Rose you didn’t have to,” Sarah said, her voice quiet and strained and when my eyes connected with hers, she was close to tears.
“It’s nothing,” I said with a shrug, tearing my eyes away from her face, not liking the look of guilt in her eyes. “It’s a painting. You probably won’t even like it.”
“I’m sure it’s great,” Ben said, leaning closer to his wife and wrapping an arm around her shoulders.
“You’re not supposed to tell them what it is,” Savannah said severely, narrowing her eyes up at me and I gave her a sheepish shrug. “Oh well, can I open mine?”
“Of course,” I said and practically before the words were out of my mouth, she was ripping into the bright red paper covering the book inside.
She frowned at the plain grey cover that had no writing on it before flipping it open to see its contents. Her frown disappeared when she saw the sheet music inside and the name at the top. “Rosemary Adams,” she whispered, her wide eyes shooting up to meet mine. “This is your music,” she said hoarsely.
I nodded, giving her a tentative smile, some of my uncertainty fading thanks to the look in her eyes. “You can’t buy that in stores. I had it made for you especially. There are songs in there that were never released so they may not all be the best but I like them.” I wrung my hands together in my lap when she just kept staring up at me with wide eyes. “What do you think?” I asked quietly, my heart sinking at the thought that she didn’t like it.
She just shook her head and carefully set the book aside before walking up to me and throwing her arms around my neck. “Thank you,” she whispered in my ear, her voice clogged with emotion. “Thank you so much, Rose.”
I gave a shaky chuckle as I hugged her back. “My pleasure.”
The rest of the presents were mostly for Savannah but it was fun to watch her rip into them. Her eyes would light with so much excitement every time she picked up one with her name on it and I couldn’t help but laugh slightly. Savannah got me a box of chocolates along with a handwritten note that featured a picture of Santa that made me smile.
Once the gifts were finished, the turkey was ready and we all moved into the dining room where we ate and the three of them talked, trying to draw me into conversation but I didn’t feel like talking too much. I couldn’t deny that I still held some animosity towards Ben and Sarah and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was the outsider here, that I didn’t belong but I pushed it aside for Savannah, not wanting to miss a moment of the small amount of time I got to spend with her even if Sarah kept sending me odd looks and Ben was shifting nervously in his chair.
When Sarah began to clear the dishes after the meal, I offered to help, grabbing my plate and a few other things off the table as I followed her into the kitchen.
Silently, she handed me a cloth to dry with as she filled the sink with water and added soap.
After about five minutes, the silence started to feel suffocating and the pile of dirty dishes wasn’t going down nearly fast enough. “I can’t stop thinking about you,” Sarah said hoarsely after a while, making me whip my head towards her. “Ever since that day that Savannah ran away to go see you and your friend told me the truth about the spray painting, I can’t stop replaying that night in my mind over and over again.”
“Sarah, you really don’t have─”
“Yes I do,” she said firmly, turning to face me, letting her hands drip soapy water onto the floor. “I need to get this out because it’s been driving me crazy.”
I tilted my head to the side, a frown forming on my forehead and a lump settling uncomfortably in my stomach. Finally, I nodded, giving her permission to go on which seemed to be what she was waiting for because she let out a long breath and straightened her shoulders before continuing.
“I’ve been thinking about the phone call and the police station and the months before that when we were a family and it’s all so confusing to me.”
“It’s in the past,” I said, trying to make my voice soothing but she just shook her head and looked at me with large, guilt stricken eyes.
“When we adopted you, we were so determined to make it work as a family.” Her eyes softened slightly and she rested one of her damp hands on her stomach. “Then I got pregnant. We’d been trying for so long and nothing had worked. We’d given up but only a couple months after we adopted you, we found out I was pregnant and all of a sudden everything changed. Money was already tight and we were so young, almost too young to have a nine year old daughter. All our friends thought we were crazy for adopting you and when I found out I was having a baby, I started to think that they were right.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I asked hoarsely, stepping away from her, making my lower back connect with the counter.
“I need to get this off my chest. All these years, I’ve consoled myself that we made the right decision to send you away for the sake of our daughter but when I found out that you weren’t the one who painted that building, I started to realize that I was just lying to myself.” She swallowed hard and I was struck by the urge to just leave the room, to completely ignore whatever she wanted to say next because I could tell from the look in her eyes that it was going to hurt. “Ben and I had both been having doubts before that night and when the officer suggested that school,” she shrugged, a tear sliding down her face and dripping off her chin.
“You jumped on the offer,” I filled in, forcing myself to meet her gaze even though my knees were shaking with the need to get out of there, to get away.
Her eyes widened with shock and guilt but she nodded. “We wouldn’t have given you up if it hadn’t been for that night.”
“You would’ve suffered through it, then? Put up with me because you felt obligated to?” I let out a long breath and she shook her head and opened her mouth to respond. “Forget it,” I said, holding up a hand to stop her from tearing my heart out any more than she already had. “I’m over it.”
“You don’t understand.”
“I do though. I understand exactly what you’re trying to say to me. You weren’t ready, you made a rash decision in adopting me and when you got pregnant, you realized it.” Feeling anger mix with my pain, I took a step towards her, nearly closing the distance between us and bringing our faces closer together. “So why are you telling me this now?” I asked, my voice coming out low and steady, surprising myself with the undercurrent of rage in it and I watched as Sarah’s eyes widened even further. “You feel guilty, right? You said it yourself, you needed to get it off your chest so I’m guessing that the guilt has been pretty hard on you lately now that you don’t have the convenient excuse that I was a juvenile delinquent to fall back on. So, do you feel better or do you need me to tell you that everything is okay? That you’re forgiven?”
“No, Rose, I─”
“You are,” I said, not breaking eye contact even as more tears followed the first until they were coursing down her cheeks, one of them even landing on my hand but I ignored it completely, feeling my anger and pain stab through me, making all my senses dull until the only thing I could see was Sarah crying in front of me, her green eyes brighter because of the tears. “You’re forgiven, Sarah. I forgive you because you weren’t wrong. Because I would’ve been a different person now if my life hadn’t turned out the way it did and maybe even Savannah would be different too.” My anger disappeared at the mention of Savannah and I took a step back, gasping in a startled breath at the pain in my chest, needing to get out there before I melted down completely. “She’s perfect, Sarah. You and Ben raised her right so stop thinking about me and focus on being good parents for her.”
“I just want you to understand, Rose, we wouldn’t have been good parents for you.”
“I know,” I said flatly, my voice lacking any warmth. “You didn’t love me the way you should’ve. I know that. But if you think you’re doing me a favour by telling me this now, you’re wrong. You’re just being selfish, trying to get rid of your own guilt by making me feel worse. Let’s just forget about everything, okay? Starting right now,” I said, finally breaking eye contact with her and turning towards the entrance of the kitchen, my breathing coming faster with the effort of holding myself together.
“Rose,” Sarah said on a sob and my traitorous feet stopped just before I made my escape. “Rose, I’m so sorry.” I flinched when I heard her slippers on the linoleum floor take a step towards me and she must have noticed because she stopped. “I’m sorry. For tonight and I’m sorry that we treated you the way we did but I’m happy that you turned out to be such an amazing young woman despite everything.”
I let out a short, humourless laugh and winced when it came out sounding like a sob. “Amazing,” I said hoarsely, turning my head so that I could look at her from the corner of my eye. “I’m not amazing, Sarah. I’m just like every other fucked up teenager out there.” I turned away from her, facing forward once more, my gaze connecting with Ben’s wide eyes before sliding over to Savannah’s, realizing they’d just heard me swear. “I have to go,” I whispered, wrenching my gaze from the little girl’s as my throat closed up and the first tear fell from my eye, dripping down my cheek. I walked through the dining room, feeling everyone’s eyes on me but I made it to the door without anyone following me. I was out of the house and half a block down the street before I heard footsteps behind me.
“Rose!” Savannah yelled and I stopped immediately, my heart wrenching painfully in my chest at the thought of never seeing her again.
I turned around just as she made it to me, lurching to a stop a couple feet in front of me, her cheeks red and her breath coming out faster from the run, crystallizing in the cold air.
For a second, neither of us said anything as we stared at each other and I saw an understanding in her eyes that was beyond her nine years. “I shouldn’t have asked you to come,” she said softly, her green eyes that were a shade darker than Sarah’s were filled with pain as she looked at me.
“I wanted to come,” I said, hearing the tears in my voice even as I tried to hide them. “I wanted to see you and,” I swallowed hard, finally admitting to myself and Savannah what I couldn’t admit to Mac, “I wanted to pretend that we were a family, that we always had been but then I got here and it just didn’t feel right. I don’t belong here with Ben and Sarah.”
“What about me?” she asked, her voice cracking slightly.
I gave her a shaky smile and shook my head. “You’re still my sister,” I said softly, reaching a hand out to touch her cheek, catching a tear as it fell from her eye. “Always will be.”
“You too,” she said softly, stepping closer to me to wrap her arms around me. “Can I call you?” she asked as I hugged her back, closing my eyes as I tried to commit this moment to memory, unsure of how long it would be before I saw her again.
“Anytime,” I said hoarsely, pulling back and standing at arm’s length from her. “Merry Christmas, Savannah.”
“You too, Rose,” she said quietly, a few more tears falling from her eyes. “I’m sorry.”
I shook my head at her, giving her another tremulous smile. “Don’t be sorry. I’m fine. I’m just happy I got to see you. I’ll talk to you soon,” I said, taking another step back and giving her a wave before turning away from her and walking the rest of the way down the street, trying to keep my back straight, not wanting Savannah to worry about me.
I wandered around for a while, moving from suburbia to downtown, not really paying attention to where I was going as an odd numbness settle in my veins, half from the cold and half from the things that Sarah had said to me. Finally, I realized that I had no idea where I was and it was nearly eight o’clock on Christmas Eve so the streets were deserted. My feet were so cold in my Converse shoes that I wasn’t quite sure if I even had toes anymore.
Finally, I took my phone out of my pocket and called a cab company, unable to stomach the thought of another bus ride after the night I’d had.
Thankfully, the cab driver seemed to be just as depressed as I was and didn’t try to start a conversation as I sat in the back and cried silent tears, keeping my gaze focused out the side window until we arrived at my apartment thirty minutes later. “Twenty bucks,” he grumbled.
I frowned at the meter, realizing he’d already erased the much higher number that had been there. “It was more than that,” I said, my voice coming out scratchy from holding in my sobs.
“I know,” he said gruffly, turning slightly in his seat to face me for the first time. He had an unkempt beard that covered half of his face and all of his neck and the skin under his eyes was covered in wrinkles. His eyes themselves were a nice colour of brown but they were filled with pain and sadness and for a brief moment, I felt a kinship with the driver. “Merry Christmas,” he said, his beard twitching in what I thought was a smile and for a second, there was a spark of kindness mingled with the pain in his eyes.
“You too,” I said, handing him a fifty before slipping out of the cab and shutting the door behind me. I saw him shake his head but he pulled away from the curb without an argument. Slowly, I made my way up to my apartment, letting out a long, shaky breath as I leaned back against my closed door, letting my eyes scan the small space, wondering what my life would be like now if Sarah and Ben had kept me out of obligation, if I had lived for years with an unloving family. I probably never would’ve met Mac or Dan or Troy and I wouldn’t be part of Burn to Shine. The thought made my heart clench in pain as I moved to the couch and sank onto the plush cushions, wishing that Mac was there with me but at the same time, I didn’t want to face his questions. I didn’t want to talk about anything that had happened that night, I just wanted to forget it.
I spent the next two hours with my acoustic in my hands, playing anything that came to mind, letting the music flow through me, each note pouring into the painful places and washing away some of the hurt that had piled up there, taking the edge off even as it made me cry harder.
I jumped when my phone rang in my pocket, knowing it was Mac before I even looked at the caller ID. “Hello?” I said into the receiver, trying to keep my voice light.
“How are you doing?” he asked, his voice laced with concern that made me wish for one of his hugs.
“I’m fine,” I said, having to work a bit harder to keep my voice neutral.
“What happened?” he asked, his voice low and rough as he obviously sensed something was wrong.
“Nothing, Mac. Don’t worry about it.”
“Where are you?”
“Mac, it’s nothing. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” He was silent for a moment and I could hear the sound of voices in the background, picking out Troy’s booming laugh immediately followed by Dan and Cindy’s much quieter ones. “Go back to the party.”
“Are you at home?”
“No.”
“Yes you are.”
“Mac─”
“I’ll be there in five minutes.”
“Mac!” I shouted but he’d already hung up. “Damn it,” I muttered, feeling my heart pound hard in my chest, not quite ready to see him yet after everything that happened that night. I needed some time to not feel so raw, to hide just how much Sarah had hurt me with her words and how much it had hurt to realize that I would never fit in with them no matter how much I wanted to.
I moved into the bathroom and splashed some water on my face, washing away the remnants of my tears just as the buzzer rang. I ran a towel over my face and ran to the door, letting Mac in without bothering to use the intercom.
“Hey,” I said when I opened the door to his scowling face, his eyes roving over my features and darkening at what he found there.
“What happened? What did they do to you?”
“Nothing,” I said firmly, stepping back and letting him in before closing the door behind him.
He shifted so that he was standing right in front of me with his arms crossed over his chest. I focused on his left forearm, the weight of his eyes making me shift awkwardly from foot to foot until slowly, he lowered his left arm and lifted his right to gently place a finger under my chin and tilt my head upward. When I finally met his eyes, they were filled with worry and his scowl was gone. “They really did a number on you, didn’t they?” he asked softly his voice low and slightly hoarse as he looked into my eyes. I looked steadily at him for a second until my throat started to close up and more tears threatened, making my eyes burn. I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath, fighting the urge to lean towards him, sick of looking pathetic in front of Mac but as soon as the thought crossed my mind, his arms were around me and he was tugging me closer to him. Powerless to resist, I leaned into him gratefully, letting out a couple of choked sobs but not letting any tears fall.
“You were right,” I said after a while of just standing in his arms, breathing in his warm scent and letting the feel of him soak into my skin and wrap around my abused heart.
“I didn’t want to be,” he said hoarsely, stroking my hair and back, giving me more comfort than he would ever know. “You deserve so much more than them, Rose.”
I shook my head against his chest. “I’ve got you and the band and friends who genuinely care about me. If I asked for anything more, I’d just be greedy,” I said, leaning back to give him a slightly shaky but sincere smile. He frowned down at me, obviously wanting to argue that I wasn’t being greedy but I just shook my head and planted my lips on his for a brief kiss. “Let’s just drop it for tonight, okay?”
He let out a sigh and leaned his forehead against mine, giving me a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry tonight sucked and I’m sorry in advance for tomorrow night. Christmas with my mom and Francis isn’t really my idea of a good time.”
“Maybe it won’t be so bad,” I said but my voice lacked conviction and Mac just let out a short laugh of disbelief in response. Thinking of Claire made my already upset stomach twist, picturing the coldness in her eyes whenever she looked at me but at least she looked at her sons with warmth. Francis on the other hand, had no redeeming qualities that I could see. Letting out a sigh, I leaned into Mac again, seeking his warmth once more as I said, “Yup, tomorrow is going to be awesome.”