*I haven't written this is like 8 months, soz. I've tried to remember exactly what happened before this. Might be best to read the previous chapter?
C/N : Mental health and self-harming.
You wouldn't be wrong if you thought Richard and I had planned to wear the same outfit today. He was in all black, as usual, like me. He also had a black bomber jacket and black jeans. Instead of the black Yeezys, I had one (oh yeah, that had happened), he had on black Timberland and a black gym back hanging oFf his shoulder. I watched him walk into the classroom. He was somehow able to navigate around the Art room towards out table without one taking his eyes off his I-phone. When he reached our table, he locked his phone.
"Morning babe," Richard leaned down to give me a peck on the lips. I didn't react, mainly due to shock and unease. I kept my eyes trained on him as he put his bag on the floor and took a seat. He removed his jacket to reveal, surprise, a black sweatshirt.
Richard wasn't and still isn't one for public affection. So what the hell was that? Was this guilt? Was this his way of showing me that nothing happened with him and Micah. Was this his way of showing me and everyone that he only wanted to be with me?
Even if he wasn't one for public affection, who says I was?
As Joanne the Scammer says, don't cuff him too early because your soul mate might be one of his boys.
Richard looked up at me, my eyes still trained on him like a hawk. I gave him a title smile to conceal all that was going through my head.
"What you doing this weekend?" He asked taking out his phone again. The teacher hadn't arrived yet. She was already ten minutes late so she probably wasn't coming in. I closed my art book. I rested my hands on the table and watched Richard as he typed. He looked over at me when he didn't hear a verbal response.
I shrugged casually to imply that I was more or less free.
"Do you want to come with me to a house party?"
"Another party?" I asked with a tight sarcastic smile. I know Levi told me to extend the trust that Richard gave me, but sometimes my mouth just moved way faster than my brain. Richard blinked back. I saw his chest rise and fall as he took a deep breathe in. He simply nodded.
"I thought you'd like to meet and get to know some of my friends better?"
"I think I know them quite well." I replied hoping to drop this 'party' and 'meet my shitty friends who happen to be my ex's' idea.
"You know Ellie quite well, nah?" He thought he was going to catch me off guard. Little did he know, I had listened to Lemonade this morning and was feeling extra petty this Monday morning.
"Not as well as you know Micah apparently." The toothless grin I had on my face said it all. I really dared him to respond to that.
He was as smart as he looked and dropped this party idea. We spent the rest of the lesson talking about nothing. The teacher eventually arrived. I put my headphones in as I did my work. I wasn't in the mood to conversate, plus I was feeling anxious as I knew Ellie could walk in at any moment.
She never did.
*
Biology was so boring. This reminded me to ask Jason about the missed call. Or maybe I shouldn't?
I mean, who ask's about a missed call from the weekend? He was probably drunk and accidentally called me or something. No need to read into anything.
My hands moved faster than my brain and I had already texted Jason when I realized what a bad idea this was.
I really needed to sort the wiring between my brain and the other parts of the body.
"Hi" - I messaged. "Truce?" I followed. I put my phone back in my pocket on silent. I would do 20 minutes of work before I checked my messages.
I lasted 2 minutes before taking my phone and checking it under my desk.
"I'm good una."
I looked at my screen unsure what I was reading. Another message came through. "Do you."
I looked at my phone unsure how to react. Why didn't he use emojis? How was I meant to know what tone I should read this in? He obviously didn't want a truce, but was he saying it with his chest or because he was still angry?
"Why did you call me on Saturday then?" My hands worked without consulting my brain.
I didn't receive a reply. I checked my phone every 5 minutes for the rest od the lesson and nothing.
My next lesson was Chemistry. On day seven as God rested, the Devil went to work and made Chemistry and Maths.
I sat with Patrick. I was trying to find some sort of will to live. It felt like it had been two hours already, but when I checked the clock it was only 10 minutes.
The classroom door knocked, waking me up. Richard appeared behind the door. The two girls behind me both took loud breaths in.
"Excuse me miss, Mr. Ocean wants to see Satiah." I have him a confused look. Mr. Ocean was one of the PE teachers and God knows I only ran for – actually, God knows I never run for anything. I looked back at my teacher who simply nodded and went back to explaining how to calculate relative formula mass. I pointed at my bags, silently asking if I needed to bring my things. He nodded. I packed up my things, giving Pat a quick wave before I walked out of the room. We started walking silently towards the Gym. He still really wasn't in my good books. Richard grabbed me suddenly and pulled me into a corridor. He then opened a small closet in front of us and closed in behind him. He put his back on the door and held my waist, pushing me towards him.
Every question that was going through my head completely left when he kissed me roughly.
FXCK.
*
"Why are you smiling so much?" Pat asked. We were doing my favorite activity, buying food .
I ignored her question. "Can I have meal deal 4 please?" I asked the lunch lady. I passed her a note and moved down the line. Pat ordered the same behind me, then asked the same question again.
"What did Mr. Ocean want?" She questioned further.
"He needed help with something"
"For a whole hour and a half?" She asked skeptically.
I shrugged. "He needed a lot of help."
"Did you help him with some balls?"
"Pat!" I shrieked. She had this dirty grin on her face. She winked and I copied the same dirty grin she had.
"You dirty cow, in college?" I didn't answer her, but I was struggling to contain my grin on my face.
"Well, at least I'm not angry at him anymore?
"Good dick'll do that." She said imitating Kanye West. "Seriously, though, are you over the Micah thing?" I nodded. I was. Kind off. This afternoon gave him some brownie points.
When we finished eating we moved to sit outside. It was cold as it was mid-January, but we both just loved people watching. We were watching people come in through the gates and making comments on their shoes.
"They look like space boots," I commented.
"They look like he won't get pneumonia, unlike some people" She nodded towards my shoes. She's such a hater. Yes, they weren't the best shoes for when the weather is like this. But I looked good in them and that was more important.
"Look at those Yeezy season 4's!" Pat nudged me excitedly. I looked at the shoes she was talking about and cackled aloud. One of the faculty members had just walked in the ugliest New Balance trainers.
"I'll be back in a sec?" I said over my shoulder to Patrick. I walked towards her. I spotted her walking through the gates by herself. This would be my only chance to talk to her properly. The grounds were surprisingly quite as well.
"Hey," she looked up drawing her eyes away from her phone. She smiled and we quickly embraced. I was so jealous of the pastel pink leather jacket she wore, matched with an all white outfit. She looked like a little snow bunny. I loved the jacket but everyone, their grandmothers, and their dogs already had it.
I smiled at how ironic it was for me to say this as I was in a pair of Yeezy's and a black bomber jacket.
"You alright?" She asked locking her phone and placing in her back pocket.
I nodded. I played with my shoes, tapping them against each other. Maybe I'd have some luck and I would be like Dorothy? They would take me home and out of this self-inflicted awkward situation.
"I know it's silly, but I don't remember what we spoke about this weekend?" I mustered. I looked up to meet her eyes. She gave me a small smile. "And I was wondering if you could remind me?"
"Were you that drunk?" I nodded embarrassed. Was no one was drunk as me? "It was a chilled conversation. You asked why Micah and Rich broke up?" I nodded again. Ok, that wasn't a crazy thing to ask, right? "You're reaction when I told you was hilarious. We spoke about how Rich reacted to" She pointed at us. Wait, go back. Why was my reaction hilarious? Why had they broken up? I didn't want to seem obsessive so I didn't question any further on that.
"How did that conversation go?"
"Fine. You were more worried about whether he and I were still friends."
"And are you?"
"Yeah, but I think it's best if I keep my distance from you, for a while at least. You know, respect boundaries." I nodded in agreement. That probably was best. If the shoe was on the other foot I wouldn't want Rich being buddy buddy with Ellie.
"Is that why you weren't in art?" I asked. She nodded.
"Yeah, I can be quite naughty when I have my eyes on something." I nodded slowly. I didn't dare break eye contact.
"When I have my eyes on someone else, we can all hang out again" I nodded again, even slower. I didn't know what to make of her comments. "I'll see you around." I gave her a smile. I watched her continue to walk, taking her phone out of her back pocket. I made my way back into Pat deep in thought.
The rest of the week went by without much incident. We didn't have much coursework on so I spent a lot of time after college with Richard. I loved baking so we made cupcakes on Tuesday, then we went to the cinema on Wednesday. I felt like he was neglecting his friends so I allowed him to run free on Thursday.
It was so now Friday. I was with Levi doing my favorite thing, EATING.
I was meant to be at college for double Chem, but I honestly just couldn't even face it. We had just finished some freak-shakes and I thought I was going to be sick. It looked amazing on my SC story, sure, but my toilet was going to be destroyed when I got home. We took a seat. I rested my head on Levi as I rubbed my belly.
"Who's that lady eyeing you up?"
I looked around to try find who Levi was talking about, but I couldn't see anything. He nodded towards a woman across the road that I had missed during my first sweep.
How had I missed her, though?
"She's proper looking over here. Is she another one of the girls you've kissed?" Levi asked jokingly. I pushed him away and tried to focus my eyes something else. They kept falling back to her.
She raised her right hand and gave me a small wave.
"I didn't know you were into white bitches Satiah" I ignored Levi but made a personal note to tell him how offensive his comment was.
"She's coming over. You must have done some magic with that strap on" Levi laughed.
"Cut it out," I said seriously. Levi's smile slowly faded when he saw how unimpressed I was.
"Satiah, how are you?" I nodded in response.
I knew I shouldn't be talking to her for whatever reason my family decided to hide from me. But I wasn't scared of her. I felt calm. Maybe because Levi was here.
A witness in case she snapped and decided to stab me to death. Who knew what she wanted.
"How are you?" She asked in a calm tone.
"I'm fine. How's my dad?" I head Levi take the world biggest gulp next to me.
"Well, I'm going to go look at some trainers" Levi dismissed himself, not before giving me a reassuring smile. I had told him a little bit about my dad leaving home.
"I think that'll be a good idea." She was posh, I noted.
"Can we grab a coffee?" I nodded. I wanted answers. Someone was going to tell me why we all hated her.
"Can I have a flat white and one hot chocolate with cream please?" I wondered how she knew my favorite order from Starbucks. But then again, it was a pretty basic order. She paid the drinks and we found a place to sit. We took a seat and waited for our drinks to be called.
"Do you remember me?" She asked, in the same posh, calm tone.
I nodded. "My brother kicked you out of my house. And my dad went in a car with you." I gave her my famous tight smile.
"Do you remember me before that?" She retorted, unwavering.
"You called my house phone. That was creepy by the way." Belinda smiled.
"Do you remember when you were 11?" I shrugged. Barely. That was over 6 years ago.
"Ok. Do you remember where you spent you 12th birthday?"
I shrugged again. Why was she asking me about that?
"Do you remember?"
"I don't like talking about it." I replied sharply.
"Why?"
"Belinda!" The barista called out her name. She smiled excusing herself and went to get her order. I took this as my chance to leave. I didn't want to talk about that, why was she pushing it?
Why did she even know about that?
"Satiah?" She called out after me. My brisk walk turned into a jog towards the JD were I knew Levi would be.
"You two had a quickie then?" Levi grinned putting down the Air max's he was looking at.
"Can you drive me somewhere please?"
"Sure, where?"
I walked quickly towards the carpark. Levi remained silent for the rest of the car ride. My mind was working overtime. She did look familiar, and something about her voice made me feel so calm. But I couldn't place her.
When we drove past Great Ormond street it hit me like a ton of bricks. It swiped off my feet in an instant.
I remembered her.
I remembered Belinda.
"Stop the car"
"We're around the corner?" Levi asked confused, although he did slow down the car.
"Stop the car, Levi!" I shouted. He stopped the car and looked at me confused. "What's going on?"
I opened the door of the car and made a dash for it. I could feel the tears streaming through the side of my face. I ran down the small streets bumping into people.
I took a few turns and ran down the main road. God, I was so out of a shape but a few minutes later I stood outside his office.
I wiped my tears knowing that I had to look respectable to get in and past security. I pushed the revolving doors. I could feel my phone vibrating like crazy in the back of my jeans. I looked over at the receptionist desk, and the lifts behind them.
Ok, Satiah. Act cool. I remembered one of the receptionists behind the desk from when we used to visit my dad at work.
"Hi, Maria how are you?" I gave her my best smile and hoped she would
"Satiah, your dad didn't say you were coming in today?" She grinned back at me. Why was she so happy?
"I know. I wanted to surprise him, and maybe go to lunch?"
"He has a lunch appointment already." She said looking at her computer.
"Is he busy now? Maybe just some coffee in his room?" I asked putting on my best sweet voice.
"Yeah, go on then. But he only has 20 minutes, ok?" I nodded politely. I walked past the desk and pressed the lift down. I still remember, his office was on the fifth floor with an ok view of the city. I tapped my foot anxiously as waited for the lift. I pressed the number 5. I nodded my head to a beat in my head in an effort to keep the tears at bay. I couldn't hold them as hostages any longer and they fell as the lift door opened.
My feet suddenly felt like stones.
What was I doing?
What was my plan?
Storm into my dad's office? And then what? Accuse him of doing what exactly?
"Are you coming or going?" A young blonde woman asked me in reference to the lift. I nodded my head and took a few steps out of the lift.
I looked so out of place. Everyone was here in suits and smart clothing. I stood in black jeans and a leather jacket.
I could feel my phone endlessly ringing in my pocket. I ignored it and started walking towards his office.
I stood outside the glass office, watching him type something of the computer. He took a break to look down at his phone next to the keyboard. He smiled before unlocking it and typing away at it.
I never saw my dad smile like that.
I opened the door without knocking. He looked up at me. First surprise, and then a smile.
"I remember her." I said aloud. Saying it aloud made it real and only made my tears fall harder and hotter down my face.
"I remember her!" I shouted. I charged towards his desk throwing things around like a Caucasian.
"I fucking remember her!" I screamed. I could feel my dads' arms around me trying to stop my causing any more damage. I pushed back on him and managed to get my feet on the desk whilst he held me. Idiot. I kicked at his computer and continued to kick things, including the photo frame I got a few years ago, off the desk. He pulled me back away from the desk and we both fell back on the floor. I fell limp his arms sobbing.
"Satiah,"
Energy entered me again. I screamed shoving him away from me. His touch made my skin feel hot and felt like layers were peeling back by the second.
"Calm down, please."
My chest rose and fell. I tried to control my breathing. The more I thought about anything, I thought about then. I decided to hold my breath instead.
"Satiah?"
I shook my head. I couldn't hear him and he couldn't hear me. Tears still streamed down my face and I felt like a little child again.
I let out a big breath before I made myself faint. I picked myself up off him and floor. I tried to regulate my breathing so I could square up to him.
My dad copied me. He also stood up and caught his breathe. "Sit down" He indicated the chair that was now topped over. I shook my head. I wanted to beef.
"Explain" I demanded.
"Satiah"
"Explain" He raised his hands. I looked behind me. There was a crowd of people who looked as if they were about to pounce on me. He gave them a weak smile and a thumbs up. Slowly, but surely, they began to disperse. I followed my dad with my eyes as he picked up the chairs and a few things off the floor.
"Satiah, please, sit down and we can talk."
"You have a meeting in 20 minutes."
"I don't care"
"What do you care about?" I questioned.
"You."
"Mum?"
"Yes."
"Then why are you with Belinda? You know what that's doing to her" I know I was sounding so whiny, but I had every right to whine.
"What about me?" My dad shouted back. This took me aback. Whilst I don't really remember my dad smiling a lot, I don't remember him shouting either.
"You know Belinda is a good person Satiah. She's good for me."
I shook my head trying to keep any more tears from falling. My dad buttoned up one button on his suit before siting behind his desk again. Why was he being so calm?
"You want me to explain? Fine. Sit down."
I took a reluctant seat.
"You remember Belinda then?" He asked. I stared at him for a while. Of course, I remembered her. I should have remembered her sooner.
"She was my nurse."
"When?"
It felt like de Ja Vu all over again. "I don't want to talk about it."
"When was she your nurse?"
"I don't want to talk about it." I repeated firmly.
"When you were Mildred Creek."
We sat in silence.
No one in my family ever called that place by its name. We never spoke about it. It was as if two years of my childhood was just written off my family history.
"She was your nurse when you had depression and you were self-harming. Remember?" Do I remember?
"I'm surprised you didn't recognize her sooner. But then again your mum has made you repress all of those memories"
"She has done nothing" I felt my voice rise again. Who was he judge her?
"No. She did nothing. Because mental health was the devils work wasn't it? Because she blamed me for you having depression when you were younger. Because I passed it onto you. And when you showed signs, she did nothing."
"You did nothing!" I shouted back. I wanted to throw something at him but I could tell I had already pushed my luck. "You and her took me to church. You both told me to be happier and that I have nothing to be sad about. You were there when she said all this and said nothing"
"Because I was going through the same thing Satiah. I told myself the same thing. I told myself I have nothing to be sad about. I have no reason to hate my life"
I had to defend my mom. Yeah, she was super shit when I was younger. I know. I suffered because of it. "She didn't understand"
"She doesn't understand now."
"And Belinda does?"
"Yes. I am happy. I have support."
"What do I have?" My voice betrayed me. It cracked and I started to cry again. Fuck Satiah. This isn't how this conversation was meant to go.
I knew my mom always hated Belinda. I remember when they came to pick me up on weekends my mom would refuse to say hi to my favorite nurse.
"You have me, always." He said sincerely. He put his hand out on the now empty desk. I looked down at it. I wanted to hold it, and pull him for a cuddle and feel safe. Not confused and angry like I did now.
I looked back at my father's eyes.
"Fuck you, always." I spat.
I left the building. I hailed a black cab and gave him Joseph's address.
I called him to come outside and pay for my cab. He came outside in a grey tracksuit. He gave the cab driver two £50 notes. He waiting for his change as I got out of the cab. I walked up to his flat and he followed behind me asking why I had been crying. I waited until we were inside to talk.
Charlotte ran towards me. I gave her a hug and picked her up. I wasn't even in the mood to remind her how much of a baby thot she was and she would only ever amount to a page 3 girl. But this wasn't the time. I went into the living room and waited for Jo to follow.
"What's happened? Why did you make me pay £80 for your cab?"
"I needed to talk to you."
"Get a bus like a normal person. I want that money back." He took a seat on the sofa. The floor was filled with Lego. He and Charlotte must have been building something. I slyly knocked it down with my foot.
"I needed to talk to you now."
"Talk then? I hope it explains why you're crying." I put Charlotte down.
"Do you mind playing in your room whilst I talk to daddy?" I asked the devil sweetly.
"I don't want to."
This is why I knocked down her crappy Lego.
I looked at Joseph. He needed to tell his dog. "Char, we can go for ice cream after yeah?"
"Fine." She sighed. She picked up a few toys before leaving. Probably to cut off their heads and sacrifice them to her God or something.
"Am I going to have to break that boys knee caps?"
"Where did we spend my 12th birthday?" Joseph frowned.
"In London" He replied casually.
"London where"
"You know where"
"Say it"
He remained silent.
"In Great Ormond Street, in the mental health unit for kids. I was an inpatient there. My birthday was on a Thursday and they wouldn't let me go home for the night. So you guys came and we had dinner there. Remember?"
"Yeah." He said again, casually.
"Do you remember my nurse. The one that mom hated?"
"Yeah."
"Ok. Do you know who dad has left mom for?"
"Yeah."
"Who?"
"The nurse"
"10 points to Gryffindor!" I clapped sarcastically.
"So that's why you all hate her. That's why you and everyone couldn't look me in the eye and kept saying that 'it wasn't your place'?" I asked what I already knew the answer to.
"Yeah, Satiah" He replied casually. I had just unearthed a huge family secret and he was asking as if I asked him what was for dinner? This attitude was funny when he did it to my mom, but not to me.
"Is that why you've been crying?"
"Yeah. The tears are gone now. I want answers."
"Ask then." His nonchalance was getting on my last nerve.
I stared at him. I needed answers.
Ok, I didn't have any set questions in mind. But I still needed them.
"Why didn't you just say?"
"Because its hard as shit Satiah. Everyone was so worried about you then. And then you got better, no one wanted to be the one to make you relapse or feel like that again"
"And you thought that-"
"Telling you that your old nurse who mum hates, is now with Dad would make you relapse. Completely."
"It wouldn't have Joseph"
"How did we know? We never speak about it. I don't know where you are with it?"
"Ask me"
"And you would have answered honestly" No. Of course not. Because everyone int he family treads on eggshells around me already.
"I'm allowed to have bad days. I'm allowed to have feel sad. It doesn't mean I have depression again?" I could feel myself getting upset again. No Satiah, hold those tears.
Joseph shrugged.
"I wasn't going to be the person who tested that theory out"
"It's not a theory?"
"Whatever. It was so hard seeing my little sister hate herself so much that she hurt herself. That she felt like she needed to punish herself. I remember I asked you why you hurt yourself. You looked me right in the eye and told me because you were worthless and deserving of it. There's no way I'm ever letting you go to that place again. And if that means hiding things that'll make you sad or question everyone that comes into your life, so be it."
"I would have been fine. I am fine."
"You would have blamed yourself Satiah. I didn't want you to have some sort of fucked up justification to do that to yourself again."
I did blame myself. Belinda only met my dad through me. If I had hid my scars better, or smiled more they would have never referred me to there. They would have never met and they would have never broken my mothers heart.
"I don't blame myself."
"You loved Belinda. I remember you two used to do all of those risk assessments together. She made you genuinely smile for the first time in forever. When you got better mum didn't let you speak to her anymore. Mum didn't let any of us speak about it anymore"
"She thought she was helping" I defended her, for the second time today.
"She was jealous of Belinda. You opened up to her and spoke to her. You didn't really speak to mum about, 'that'"
"Depression" I called it out, for what is was. Joseph nodded.
"I'm sorry I'm so shit with it. Its so nowhere near as hard for me as it is for you, it's just so hard for me to see you so sad."
"I'm not that sad anymore."
"I know, I just can't forget." The first week was hard on my family. I remember I cried the whole week. Every time they came to visit I would cry and cry, begging them to take me home with them, knowing full well that they couldn't. When they said no too many times, I'd collapse into myself. I'd go back to my room and refuse to see them for the rest of visiting time. I couldn't find anything sharp to cut myself with so I scratched until I drew blood.
The process would repeat itself the next day.
It took me a week to calm down. I still cried most days.
On weekends I was allowed to go home. I remember Jo was in secondary back then. He was so popular. We always had boys around the house making noise until the early hours of the morning. When my parents weren't at home it was a revolving number of girls. When I was admitted, he would spend every Saturday night with me instead of being out with his friends. We would watch movies or bake.
Joseph would lay out all the ingredients before I came home. The butter would be cut, all the packets open.
I wasn't allowed near any of the sharp things.
After 6 weeks I was allowed to go home, and went in as an out patient for another month. My mum abruptly told me I would no longer be going. By then I had gotten the help that I needed and was in a better mental frame. I still had days days, but I had learnt how to stop them becoming bad weeks.
I learnt to remind myself that it was a bad day, and not a bad life.
"Dad said that mum blames him" Joseph nodded. If Joseph didn't act like such a thug I could have sworn his eyes had glossed over.
"Because he had it, she thinks he somehow passed it onto you. Because you were so close growing up." Joseph sniffed and put his head back. I ha not seen my brother this close to tears in years.
"That's not how it works"
"I know. I know. But it's mums thinking. And it pushed dad away. And he started talking to Belinda about his depression. She referred him to a doctor."
"When I was 12?" Joseph nodded. That made sense, that's why my mum didn't want me to keep going there.
"Nothing happened between them, until last summer."
"What happened then?" I questioned. Last summer dad seemed so normal. But I guess that's the whole point with mental health.
"Remember Dad took time off work?" I nodded. He was stressed. It was a high-pressure job.
"He relapsed. Pressure from home and work I guess. Turned to Belinda again, and that's when it all started." I nodded. Joseph finally looked at me. He gave me small but reassuring smile. It immediately made me feel warm and safe again. It was the same smile he used to give me everytime visiting hours were over. "You didn't recognize her?"
I shook my head. "Her hair wasn't like that. She was a bit fatter too." Joseph nodded. I didn't have any pictures of her either. I did think about my time at the hospital sometimes, but faces were always blurry.
"You remember the risk assessments?" Joseph nodded.
"I thought it was a bit weird, honestly." I laughed. We had never spoken about that time. "But it helped your anxieties. She helped you so much." I nodded in agreement. "I just wish you had met her again under different circumstances." I nodded again in agreement. I wish she could have seen how much better I am, without, you know, fucking my dad.
Joseph signed resting his head again. "I know I quit, but can I please have a fag?" He asked when his head raised again. "Stressing me the fxck out." I grinned and nodded. Joseph went to the back of the cupboard by the sink. He came out with a pack of straights. We went out onto the balcony. He lit the cigarette, holding it for a while and releasing it. He closed his eyes and smiled.
"I've missed this." He said. He took another hit before throwing it over the balcony. I look at him confused. He handed me the pack.
"I thought you wanted to smoke?"
Joseph shook his head. "It was bigger and better in my head."
"Throw them away from me?" I nodded. Joseph opened his hands and we had a long embrace.
Ok, that was a long chapter. I will hopefully upload again – soonish x
p.s - sorry. It is a bit rushed by the end, I just wanted to get it out. There are serious topics discussed here.
If you self-harm, or think you have depression or any other mental illness. Please get help. There is no shame in taking care of yourself mentally. If you had a broken leg you would go to the doctor. Mental health is as serious as physical health.
Love you all and don't forget to love yourselves x