a/n just a heads up, i didn't proofread this. enjoy!
Lauren's POV
"So, it's finally official?" my best friend, Normani, asked.
"Well.." I started and I immediately felt my cheeks growing hotter.
"Oooh," she cooed, "someone's being bashful today!"
"Oh, shut up." I chuckled and the ebony skinned girl companied me.
"I'll take that as a yes, then." She looked at me with a smug face. "I'm happy for you, Laur. Finally something you deserve, you're already glowing."
"Thanks, Mani." I smiled gratefully and continued going through her wardrobe.
We hadn't found anything in the three malls we'd gone to and decided on going back to her house, considering how much clothes she owns.
"This should be good, not too elegant but not too casual, look." I spoke up after a minute of silence.
"Yeah, I guess. I wonder how my parents will act around everybody else there." she added out of the blue.
"I thought their relations got better?"
"Yeah, I mean, they're sort of okay now, but none of the family members know what's been going on for the last couple of months. They're most likely to pretend nothing ever happened." The ebony skinned girl explained.
"Is that bad? I mean, it's quite personal, I wouldn't want everyone from my family tree to talk about such serious and intimate stuff." I reasoned.
"Yeah, no. I know, I'm not sure what I want, to be honest. I'll just see how things will go and try to have fun. Guess who's also coming?"
"Who?"
"Even some relatives from Germany, only my granddad had a chance to get to know them, so it'll be the first time seeing them for the most of us." My friend revealed.
"That's exciting! I don't think I have any family in Europe, I wish-" I had to stop talking, because my ringing phone took me by surprise. I took it out of my front pocket and read that the incoming call was from my mom. "Sorry, I gotta take this." I excused myself before I answered.
"Hey Mom, what's up?" I asked casually.
"Lauren, you have to come home right now." she told me frantically. I immediately panicked, not knowing what was going on.
"But why? Something happened?" I asked again, not realizing how serious the issue could be.
"Just come home!!" she screamed so loudly that I had to pull away the mobile device from my ear.
"I'm on my way, jeez." I rolled my eyes and brushed my hair with my fingers nervously, still not being aware of the circumstances and ending the call quickly. "Mom's acting weird.. I have to go home, I'm sorry we couldn't spend more time together."
"Don't worry about it. Just let me know how things are and call me if you need anything, alright?" Normani replied understandingly.
"Sure, thanks Mani." I quickly said, leaning in to share a meaningful embrace with my best friend and saying quick goodbyes.
I put the key in the ignition, revving the engine to life and cranking the gear shift into reverse, rushing to my neighborhood, finally starting to realize something could be horribly wrong. I missed three red lights, but I couldn't risk my mom's health. I remembered all the bad memories from just a few months ago and tears glistened in my eyes immediately.
After five more minutes the familiar houses finally came into sight and I pulled in the driveway with ease, rushing to the front door, not even locking the car. I stormed into the house and I rapidly searched for the woman. I checked every room downstairs, quickly glancing in the direction of our pool, praying she wasn't there, trying to do something stupid. I ran up the stairs and firstly went into her bedroom, then the bathroom connected to the room, nothing again. I checked my room and for some reason I checked the balcony in there as well. She wasn't there either.
There was only one room left, and it was Chris' old bedroom. I didn't go in there unless I had to, which I could consider that day's situation.
I chose against calling for her, deciding I could scare her away.
I walked up to the door of his old room and my stomach turned into one huge mess, twisted in knots. My throat tightened and I could feel my heart pumping the blood like crazy. My ears rung and an awfully loud and endless screech stopped me from hearing anything else.
I spent around a week or two in this room right after the funeral, but eventually collected enough strength to take care of myself, and my mother. I didn't go in there ever again, until now.
I gathered up after a minute, reminding myself my mother could be in danger and extended my arm, reaching for the door knob. I turned it to the right and pushed the door calmly and carefully. The small space between the door frame and the door itself revealed my mother's limp body lying on the floor. It reminded the shape of a ball, she seemed so small. I ignored all the memories flying back to my head after I had entered the room, focusing wholly on the woman I love to death, and ran up to her.
I checked her pulse and every part of her body, looking for any injuries or wounds. The pulse was faint, but it was there and that's what counted then. After I hadn't found any traces of being hurt, I decided she was either unconscious or sleeping, and I hoped for the latter to be true.
"Mom?" I called lightly, putting my hand on her shoulder and starting to rub it.
"Hey, mom." I called louder and squeezed her arm. "Can you hear me? Please, get up."
"Come on, mom!" I screamed, shaking both of her shoulders violently, losing my patience after a while of no response from the other woman. I looked down on her chest, which was moving up and down and then lower, where I found an olive green cloth. I took it out but her hold of it tightened. I finally earned a reaction from her. I recognized the thing as a favorite t-shirt of his.
I realized she was going through an inner fight, with her mind and body. She wanted to feel him, but to do that, she couldn't be present in the reality. So I did something I found tough, but necessary. I yanked the t-shirt from her hands energetically and I earned another reaction from my mom. She opened her eyes and looked around. Her dark orbs didn't show the spark and light anymore, they went back to being dull and lifeless. I put that thought to the back of my head for now, the priority being to get her out of the room and getting her the needed essentials to get back on feet.
Without another word, I put the material on the floor and grabbed both of her hands with mine, pulling her up and guiding her to her bed. She was an emotionless robot again, I thought.
I got some crackers and orange juice from the kitchen and came back to her. she sat in the same position and the only movement coming from her, was rare blinking, and her chest moving due to exhaling and inhaling.
I ignored the bad thoughts trying to get to me, not letting myself lose all the effort that I'd put in my recovery. Just because my mother was having a bad day, didn't mean I had to go down with her.
At least I hoped so.
"Mom," I tried getting her attention. She turned her head and looked at my neck, probably being too scared or ashamed to look me in the eyes. "I want you to eat at least two crackers, please."
She shook her head no slowly, looking out the window lifelessly.
"Okay, you know what?" I started uneasily. "I'm not going through this again, get up." I ordered after I'd lost my tempter along with patience.
She looked at my face, without really looking and pt her head down.
"I'm being serious, get up." I grabbed her wrist and dragged her behind me. We walked down the stairs and by the front door I made her sit down, so I could put her shoes on. She was trying to stop me, definitely not wanting to go out, but she had no chance fighting me now. I was to determined to get her back on track.
"Come on," I spoke up, reminding her of my presence. I pulled her behind again, I opened the door of the passenger seat for her and fastened her seatbelt.
Before I started the car, after I'd gotten behind the wheel, I looked at her. Her brows were furrowed and her breathing was so quiet, I couldn't even hear it. I shook my head, wanting to get to the point. It was around 7 o'clock in the evening, but I know I can always count on the person I'd been thinking about for the last 10 minutes. So, we drove off in the direction with beliefs traveling through my body that I could save the person to whom I owned everything from falling to deep.
I entered the high building and made my way to the elevator, with a futile body following me senselessly. I pressed the button with a number 7 printed on it and waited. I heard my mother sigh to herself. I glimpsed her looking around, hoping she was slowly getting the hang of the sense of awareness.
The familiar 'peak' sounded and the automatic doors opened, I took a hold of my mom's arm again and guided her to one of the many offices of the floor where most psychiatrists from the city spent their time during work hours. We stopped halfway in front of a office with a lingering number on the door, the number being 713. I knocked lightly and waited for a response.
"Come in!" I heard a woman's friendly voice call to us. I opened the door with an apprehensive smile printed on my face and greeted the woman that my mom used to see every day about half a year ago.
"Good evening, Mrs. Wilson. Is this a bad time?" I asked politely.
"Hello, Lauren! Hi, Clara." She looked curiously at her old patient but after a second averted her eyes back on me. "It's no problem at all, I told you two you could always count on me." she reminded us, well, mostly me for now, with a sympathetic and genuine smile.
"Yeah, thank you."
"Come, sit. Would you like some tea?" the woman in her late 40s suggested while we sat on the English rolled arm sofa.
"That won't be necessary, thanks." I shook my head and denied.
"Alrighty, I can tell you're in rush to tell me something. Don't beat around the bush, Lauren, I know you don't like it." She winked. It released some of the tension that was built up prior and I loved the fact how she could sense exactly what a person needs.
"Exactly.." I started uncertainly.
"What brings you here?" the light brown-haired woman asked, even though she was well aware of it.
"Well, you know how things have been going for the both of us recently."
"I heard it's been going great, for both you and your mom." She confirmed with a firm nod.
"Yeah, so today was a day like no other and I was at my friend's house in the afternoon. My mom knew about my plans and she had no problem with that, she was busy anyway, apparently. But one second I'm chatting with my friend, and the second, I heard my phone go off. It was her calling-"
"Let me stop you for a second. Your mother, Clara is sitting next to you, let's not act like she's not here and talk normally." She reminded me of something I used to do quite a lot back in the beginning of this year.
"But she's not really here, don't tell me you don't see it, Mrs. Wilson!" I yelled and immediately regretted it. "Oh, I'm sorry. It's just all too much. Things were finally okay, but now it's all ruined." I talked to no one actually, my voice growing quieter and quieter due to it cracking at the end of my words. Tears streamed down my cheeks by this time and I cursed myself for breaking down so easily.
"Calm down, sweetie. We won't get anywhere this way. How about you finish your story from earlier?" she suggested yet again and I nodded after wiping my face and fixing my hair nervously.
"Right, well, my mom called me," I made sure to made a quick break and looked in her direction. She seemed absent, but I took a hold of her hand and intertwined them. I could have sworn I felt her squeeze mine lightly. Just to support her, I squeezed hers as well. "and told me to get home right away. There was a little bit of screaming, so I got to her as soon as possible. I looked for you, mom, and guess where I found you? In his goddamn room." I stopped the talking and took a few deep breaths.
"You're doing great, Lauren. Take your time." My mom's doctor let out a few words of support, with her voice dripping with sincerity.
"I checked her vitals as best as I could at that time and we went to her room. She didn't want to eat nor drink, and that's when I got us in a car and drove here." I finished and inhaled deeply, squeezing her hand tightly.
"Okay, first of all, you did amazing, Lauren. I'm proud of you. Secondly, I want to congratulate you on the decision you made of coming here with Clara." She praised me with a reassuring smile and eyes filled with genuineness.
"Thank you, I appreciate it." I said with gratitude filling my voice.
"I would like you to wait outside now, I'll talk to your mom now, okay?" she mentioned the thing I really came here for.
"Of course, I'll be waiting in the hall. Thanks again, Mrs. Wilson." I assured my mom through those words that I wasn't going anywhere, because there had been times when she would freak out and absolutely lose it if she saw me go anywhere. I looked the woman on the sofa in the eyes and searched for any signs of her soul. I smiled sadly after a while and left the room in silence.
Without a second thought, I grabbed my phone and dialed the number of the only person I could think about right now.
"Hey, girlfriend! What's up?" the Latin brunette greeted me cheerfully.
"Hi.." I greeted back remorsefully.
"What's wrong?" she asked alarmed. "Lauren, what's going on?" she tried again after she received nothing but silence from me.
"Could you come to the clinic?" I pleaded with tears constantly showing up on my face, only right after I'd gotten rid of them.
"Right now?"
"If you can.." my voice wavered, now realizing how ridiculous it was. Why did I expect it from her? She doesn't have to do those things for me. "Actually, you know what. You don't have-"
"Which clinic?" she knew me too well, denial was heard in my voice and the both of us knew too damn well I was lying not only to myself, but also to her. I gave her the details about the address, which wasn't hard because the building is right next to the place where our moms go to group therapy. I only got a quick 'I'll be right there.' from her and she ended the call. I entered the elevator and left through the main entrance. I realized fresh air was a good idea and I'd make it easier for Camila to find me.
Not even 10 minutes later the familiar car stopped on the parking lot, but I let out an airy laugh when I saw the way she parked the engine. I doubt this girl even paid attention to the lines painted on the ground, because the car was stopped in possibly the worst way, almost as if she tried to make as many mistakes as she could.
She shut the door urgently and ran up to me with concern written all over her precious face.
"Lauren," she gasped after throwing her arms at me.
"God, I love you." I whispered the three words unwittingly. Her natural scent, the smell of her shampoo and her perfume, to top that, her arms wrapped around my neck and the gentle kiss on the cheek she gifted me with, made me say it, I guess. Her presence is everything I needed to calm down, to feel a bit more normal again.
"I love you, too, Laur." She answered seriously, pulling back a little, only to be able to study my face questioningly. "Want to tell me what happened?"
"It's my mom.." I started and told her the rest of the story. In the meantime, we managed to make our way back to the office where my mom and her psychiatrist were currently talking.
"I'm so sorry you have to go through this, baby. I wish this didn't happen to you." Camila spoke up, holding my hand, delicately rubbing my palm with her thumb.
"If it weren't for all the memories.. I would do this. it's my mom after all, I would do anything for her. But the goddamn memories." I let out, frustrated. With my free hand, I went it through my messy hair nervously and sighed deeply.
"I know you would, I wouldn't doubt this for a second." She assured me. When she felt her words weren't enough, she continued. "You're such a wonderful person, Lauren. Your mom is the luckiest to have you as her daughter. Your sister is the luckiest to have you as her sister, so was Chris, I promise."
At the mention of his name I closed my eyes and inhaled sharply, but it wasn't anything bad. Camila wouldn't mention my brother if she knew this could upset me. It's just, the whole day was about him, what my mom was going through at that moment, was because of him. And she only reminded me of that.
"And one more thing, which I'm the most positive of, I am the luckiest to have you, firstly as my best friend, and secondly as my girlfriend. You're so strong, you can fight the memories, I'll fight them with you." the brown-eyed girl went on.
"Thank you, Camz. For those words, for coming here." I named the stuff I was grateful for. "Just for showing up in my life. I don't know where either I or my mother would be if it weren't for you along with your family."
"I could tell you the exact same, believe me." she smiled sympathetically and smoothed out my hair out if habit. Her hand wandered to the back of my neck, where she started playing with the baby hairs. I relaxed immediately and sighed contentedly.
The moment of pure bliss was rudely interrupted by Mrs. Wilson calling my name and looking around the hallway.
"Over here!" I called and got up. I walked up to her office automatically with Camila following me like a shadow.
"Oh, there you are." She smiled politely and invited me to come in. "And who are you?" she averted her eyes to my favorite brunette.
"Oh, I'm-" she started, but I didn't let her finish.
"This is Camila, she's like family to the both of us, can she come in?"
"In that case," she replied with a wider smile and gestured for both, Camila and I to get inside.
She closed the door behind the three of us and I checked on my mom urgently. Sitting next to her, I took her hand in my two ones and tried to look her in the still dull eyes.
Camila walked up to me shyly and took the last available seat on the sofa.
"Lauren, I would like to talk to you in private. Camila, would you mind waiting here with Clara for a few minutes?" the doctor spoke up at the right time, right before I was about to start crying again.
"Absolutely not, take all the time you need." My girlfriend answered politely and nodded her head to reaffirm her words.
"Great, thank you. Lauren, come with me." The woman said and directed her index finger at second door in the room, what I supposed was just a private room, where she kept her personal stuff.
We entered it and my guesses were confirmed. There was another couch in there where we both sat down.
"I'll be straight up with you, Lauren. You're mature enough and you've gone through enough to deal with this kind of thing." She started bravely.
"Okay.." I managed to mumble.
"Your mother is experiencing an occurrence called a relapse. It's natural and really common. Most people with mental disorders go through this first, to be able to fully move on from the past events. Clara was lucky to have such a smart daughter right next to her when this happened. If you hadn't come to me, or any doctor for that matter, right away, the treatment wouldn't have been as progressive and quick as we would it to be." she explained patiently.
"Alright, I get it. So, what do we do now? She goes back to her old pills or what?" I kept asking, urgent to find some answers, eager to help my mom and get her out of her relapse.
"Slow down, Lauren. The thing is, I can tell how much this is affecting you. Considering that you have already gone through this once, you feel like you can do this all over. But your heart isn't ready. You're feeling good these days, you're okay. And the fact that your condition isn't as bad as your mother's, everything hits you harder." The woman said calmly.
I didn't say anything to this, only nodded without grasping what was happening, silently agreeing to her words. I didn't realize this was the case, but Mrs. Wilson was right and I knew that then.
"So, what I have a proposition for you and the rest of your family."
"Okay, what is it?"
"Let me ask you one question first, do you have any place you could stay at for a couple of weeks? Maybe even days, it depends on how fast Clara will recover."
In an instant the Cabellos house came into my mind and I nodded once again.
"Great, well, I suggest your mom stays at a psychiatric facility, the one we considered at the beginning for her. We could contact your father and he will cover the payments. The psychiatric ward in our hospital isn't as good as the place I'm thinking of. I want the best for my patients and I know for a fact how good the staff and the conditions are in there. You'll be able to visit her anytime you want and I believe, that this is even a better option for Clara than staying at home which is filled with memories of your little brother. I'll give you a minute to think about it, join us when you're ready, Lauren." Mrs. Wilson finished with a supporting tap on my shoulder as she got up, to leave me alone in the small room.
A few minutes passed and I came to conclusion about the proposition I received from my mom's doctor. With I final deep breath, I gathered enough energy to join the three females in the other room.
"Laur?" My favorite of the three people in the room spoke up, her voice filled with love and concern.
I smiled reassuringly, looking her in the eyes and silently telling Camila I was alright. She gifted me with one of the sweetest smiles she owned and I felt better in an instant.
"So Lauren, have you made the decision yet?" the doctor pulled me out of my imagination and my own world.
"Yes, I agree, on one condition." I answered firmly.
"What is it, then?"
"I don't want to be the one calling my dad to inform him about it." I said with disgust dripping from my voice which was already filled with venom.
"You don't have to worry about it, that's already covered." The older woman assured me with a firm nod of her head.
"Alright, then I agree." I said once again, but remembered one thing. "I still need to talk to Camila, though."
"Mrs. Wilson filled me in. You're staying at my place, and no buts." Camila spoke up and informed me with a calmly looking face.
"Okay, then." I let out with an airy chuckle escaping my lips. "Mrs. Wilson, do you assure me it is the best option?" I asked again, crossing my arms unconvinced.
"Yes, Lauren. For both, you and Clara. No one is asking you to do this by yourself again, the first time was hard enough. You showed your strength and courage, but it's time to take care of yourself now, alright? Start putting your happiness on the first place. Your mom will be in good hands and I promise you, she'll recover in no time." She answered and I nodded my head.
"Okay, so how does this whole thing look?" I asked, eager for the details.
"How about this, you and Camila go to your house, pack some clothes and cosmetics for your mother, pack the needs things for yourself and in the meantime, I'll take care of the paperwork, along with making the needed calls, to your father and to the facility." The woman suggested.
"Alright, I'll take care of this." I agreed and came up to my mom, who still sat silently on the sofa. "Mom, it's Lauren. I'm going to our house for a few minutes. I need to get your things, because you're going on a little vacation, okay? You'll rest there and forget about bad things. There will be people there that will help you, and I'll visit you, too. Nothing bad is going to happen." I kept on talking despite the tears that started to accumulate in my eyes. My voice was shaky and cracked due to the lump in my throat, but I continued nonetheless. "Don't forget I love you." I added whispering and kissed her on the cheek.
I was forced to leave the room without another word, already all choked up with tears streaming down my cheeks furiously. Camila followed but remained silent, only intertwining our hands and squeezing mine for support from time to time which I appreciated. Our walk to the car and the ride to my house was silent as well, no words were exchanged between us, because I don't think there was anything I could say at that moment. I packed two suitcases mindlessly and my girlfriend helped me carry them downstairs and put in the trunk of my car; Camila's stayed in the parking lot after she'd parked it in the assigned place. I internally laughed at the scatter-brained and all-over-the-place person to whom I owed most of my good days.
"If she's actually going to go to that place, I can't go in there again. I won't let her leave me, unless I stay here." I spoke up for the first time in 30 minutes.
"I understand, Lauren. Nobody is forcing you." Camila assured me and put her hand on my knee, then rubbed it delicately. "I'll carry the suitcase to the office and I'll explain to Mrs. Wilson, you wait here. Is that okay?"
"Yeah, that'd be great.." I mumbled, wiping my constantly streaming tears.
"Okay, I'll be right back, love." She replied, kissing me on the forehead and disappearing behind the huge doors of the main entrance.
I felt emptiness starting to crawl inside of me. I tried to fight it as hard as I could, remembering how hard it was to get rid of it in the first place. It started with feeling numbness in your body, then in your mind and heart. No pain, physical nor emotional meant a thing then. And I don't want that. I want to feel, I want to be myself.
Camila entered the car in time, right before I let it consume me completely.
"It's all done. Let's go home now, hm?" she spoke up.
I nodded without another word.
"Let's go with my car, my mom might need it. We'll get yours tomorrow."
"Sure, I'll just get my suitcase." I managed to stutter out.
"Alright, let me get it for you." she went ahead of me and opened the trunk door again. She locked the car since she was the driving to my house and back here, realizing I wouldn't be able to focus on the road.
After we'd gotten in the car and put our seatbelts on, Camila turned on the radio and Broods was silently playing in the background. I noticed her phone tugged in and this sight explained my suspicions. The local radio doesn't play this kind of music very often, especially the songs that aren't singles.
I reached for her hand senselessly and kissed it. She smiled lovably and squeezed my hand, telling me telepathically she appreciated it and that she supported me.
Sinu and Sofi weren't home and I went straight to her room where I slowly lied down on the bed. I curled my body in a ball and a short while later I felt Camila snuggle up to me from behind.
"I love you, Lauren." she whispered in my ear and kissed my head. She played with the loose strands of my hair, quietly humming one of the songs we listened in the car.
I turned around and I faced the girl I was in love with.
"I love you." I whispered, looking her in the eyes deeply. The deep brown orbs were visible to me so clearly, despite the tears glistening in my eyes.
I felt myself slowly coming to the point where I break down all over again, but I guess this was a good sign. It's good to let go for a while. The memories were crushing me down, both the old and the newly made ones. My breath quickened and it became erratic. I shut my eyes tightly and Camila brought me so close there was no space between our bodies, we fit like puzzles.
I crumbled when I felt her lips on mine. I kissed her back through my tears and when she pulled away I started sobbing loudly. It felt endless, the teardrops, the sobs, the pain in my chest.
"Let it out, I'm here, love." Camila whispered and kept on reminding me throughout the whole time we spent cuddled up in that bed.
And so, I did. I cried until there were no more tears in my body left and no strength to fight the slumber which came easily. We fell asleep in each other's arms even though the circumstances were so horribly painful, I couldn't feel more at peace.
a/n it was sad, wasn't it? just wanna say, it was all spontaneous. but it's almost the longest chapter i've written and i really enojyed writing it, so i really, really hope you liked it.
feedback is appreciated and stay positive x
pola c: