-"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion, for a moment, that we're not alone."-
- Orson Welles
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I get more calls frequently. My phone waking me up in the middle of the night, stopping me when I'm in the shower, stopping me on my way to the hospital.
I always pick up. There are not many people that own my number, only one that calls me.
Like I said, I am great in pushing people away.
I'm tired and my eyes burn. No coffee helps and I try my best to stand tall.
It's hard not to fall apart.
It's the fourth time today and I'm so tempted to drive back to Busan. But I can't right now. I'm needed here.
So I just pick up again, trying to calm my father down, trying to ask him if he took the prescripted pills, if my sister is there with him.
He's scared. The schizophrenia is nagging on him, the voices in his head too loud nowadays. They tell him to do bad things.
He's seeing my mother. Her halluzination asks how I am doing. I say, I'm fine, trying not to let my knees shake whilst saying that.
Dad tells me, she loves me.
I tell her back.
That makes him happy for a few moments. Then he complains about the voices again, telling him to go outside.
There's a lake outside.
I tell him not to listen. I tell him that it's rainy today and not a good idea to go outside. That he should rather wait till my sister is coming home.
I feel like throwing up, already did in the morning a few times, when he cuts the call like he always does.
Without a goodbye.
And, without admitting it, that is my biggest fear. Not saying goodbye, again.
It leaves me in paranoia and I feel myself growing insane, as I huff a breath, my head laying on the back of my seat, the driver's seat.
I'm in front of the hospital and there are clouds up in the air, promising rain. Maybe thunder.
It fits.
My tongue drives over my dry lips as I open the door and step outside, finally making my way to the mental hospital.
I'm way too late but I can't seem to bother.
The constant paranoia and fear is with me, as I step along the crowdy hallway.
Dad, Taehyung. Dad, Taehyung. Dad, Taehyung.
"Are you alright?", a nurse asks me, soothing my back with her hand. I flinch back and give her a pained smile, nodding.
My mouth is dry and I can't really open it.
Smiling is difficult these days.
Everything is difficult these days.
Ever since that day, Namjoon has told me to hurt Taehyung, everything goes downhill.
I can't sleep anymore. I haven't eaten in those three days. I don't really talk much anymore. But I somehow always make it to Kim Taehyung, not that much when he's awake.
After another night of no sleep, I stood up and drove to the hospital, running up the stairs and opening the door to Taehyung's room.
He was sleeping and I was relieved.
Exhausted. Pained. Hurt. Scared. Tired.
It's morning right now and I nod to the nurse before turning around and making my way up the stairs again. I see Namjoon in the corner of my eyes and walk a little quicker.
"Moon Sana!"
I don't say anything as he comes running into my direction and turns my shoulders lightly. I keep still, as he bends forward a little.
"3 days, alright?"
I swallow harshly but my mouth is dry. My head is pounding but I nod, obediently. There's not much I can do.
Without looking at him anymore, I leave him behind and continue my way to Taehyung's room.
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Ever since that day, Sana is not the same anymore.
She is more distant. Doesn't talk that much, when she comes in. She doesn't smile. She comes in at night, when I pretend that I'm sleeping.
She stays there for a few minutes, I can hear her breath shaking.
Her breath is always shaking these days.
And she always clutches onto her phone, looking at it every few seconds.
Today is no different. She comes in, closes the door behind her silently. But my eyes still shoot up when she is here.
Her skin is paler than normal and her lips are dry. Her eyes are puffy.
It looks like she's been crying instead of sleeping.
I hide the painting in my hands under the cover, when she drags a chair over the floor and seats herself next to me.
But it's too far away. She's so far away these days.
I frown, when I see her knees shake lightly and she lets her pen click over an empty sheet of paper.
There's silence for a while as I stare at her and she stares down at the empty page.
"How are you feeling today?", she asks after what seems like ages and forces her gaze a little upwards. But she doesn't look at me.
I don't know what to answer.
Bad.
I'm scared about you.
My nightmares are coming back.
I couldn't sleep the past few days.
What happened?
...
I miss you.
"I'm fine."
Cause that is the only thing, I can answer. Maybe she's becoming more distant by choice. Maybe she is scared of me now.
Sana's pen hovers over the page but she doesn't let it sink down.
Her eyes are dull and my eyes glisten over her shaky fingers.
How I want to hold them right now.
How I want to hold her right now.
I swallow harshly to get rid of the dryiness in my mouth as there's silence again for a while.
"Are you having nightmares?", she asks and her voice is far away.
Yes. Every night. Every night, where they keep me awake, where I don't want to drown again. I don't want to drown again.
Recently, the green water turned into blood and I felt like burning alive.
Recently, Jungkook was not there anymore. Not alive. Only dead, floating, his skin a scary pale. I miss talking to him.
Even if it's just an illusion.
But this is the bitter truth. He's dead.
What truth is he talking about?
He's dead. I killed him. And that's the only thing that matters.
"No."
But I know, Sana worries. Worries about me all the time. And today I can't tell her all that. Cause she seems so pained herself.
Also, she seems so different.
And there's a voice inside my head, whispering everytime, she doesn't look at me, that maybe she doesn't care.
Even if she told me three days ago.
Her breath is shaking, along with her fingers, as she snaps the book close and stands up, her hand clutching lightly around the arm of the chair.
"I'm sorry. I need to go."
And my heart sinks when she stands up and walks towards the door. And today, I'm selfish and I've had enough. I just want to know right now.
So, I stand up with her and when her hand lies on the door knob already, I put mine on hers, wondering why her hand is so cold.
Her whole self is cold and there is a frown on her face, when she turns around to me, her body lightly pressed on mine somehow. I can feel her breath on my neck.
"Taehyung-"
"What's wrong with you, Sana?", I breathe out and she flinches lightly, remaining silent.
She tries to turn around and open the door but I'm desperate to know, desperate to see her looking at me again, so I take her shoulders and turn her around so that our faces are only inches away from each other.
She squirms under my arms and I put them around her waist, keeping her trapped onto me.
"Please. Just tell me", I whisper out, and maybe she sees the desperation in my eyes, but she becomes a little calmer, still trying to get rid off my arms.
I look at her with wide eyes, trying to know it but she doesn't look back and my breathing stops.
"Is it because of me?... Of what you heard that night?... A-are you scared?", I breathe out and take my arms off of her and she freezes with me.
And after a few seconds, her eyes finally let go and the tears spill over. "No... no...", she whispers out and cries harder. I watch her in shock as I don't know what to do.
But she puts her hands over her eyes and makes something that stops my breathing completely for a while- she lays her arms around me and hugs me tightly.
I look down at her head on my chest and see nothing but her orange hair and feel her tears soaking my shirt. But I don't care.
I don't really care.
She is shaking underneath me and I can feel her knees shaking against mine, promising her fall and exhaustion so I lay my arms around her, hugging her as tightly back.
She breathes out and leaves goosebumps on my arms and we stay like that for a little while, her being held up by my arms.
But too quickly she leans back and her cheeks are still stained, her lips red.
"I-I... don't know what to do. I-I'm....-"
She starts sobbing again loudly and my hands find their way to her cheeks, cupping them.
"Shh...", I make, not really knowing, what I'm doing but she inches closer again a little.
"I'm sorry", she mumbles out and I shake my head. "It's about my dad...", she blurts out and shakes her head right after that, clenching her eyes shut.
"Sorry, shouldn't-"
"Please tell me."
I know, she wants to talk to someone. I can see the words being stuck in her throat. I see them, wanting them to escape.
I know, her father is suicidal.
It hurts me, but it hurts me more seeing her like that.
She looks up to me, first time meeting my eyes and I almost fall apart at the look, she's giving me.
I nod again. Go on. Tell me.
And then she tells me.
"It will happen soon. I have this feeling in my stomach and I- can't do anything against it... I can't drive back..."
I swallow harshly but furrow my eyebrows at the same time. I try not to let her words get to me too much.
"Why not", I whisper out and I don't know how she can hear above her sobs. But she does.
"I c-can't leave you alone...", she whispers back and I feel my heart beating faster, not being able to truly believe it.
I shake her shoulders. "You need to go there. Don't regret it", I says sternly but she shakes her head, crying harder.
"I can't! Not with what they're doing to you! Not when you're...", she cuts herself off and her hands grip on the hem of my shirt.
"What?"
Silence. She bites her lower lip, thinking for a little while before looking up.
"Not when you're innocent."
"What?", I ask again, blinking repeatedly. I almost laugh but I stick to being confused. She eyes me intently, biting her lip again and I can't tell, what's that in her eyes.
"Not when you're innocent", she repeats again and my arms drop off of her, as an unamused chuckle escapes my lips.
"What are you talking about?"
"The truth."
I flinch heavily at that word. The word, Jungkook always repeats, always tells me.
The truth.
And then I lose it.
I grab her shoulders and push her to the wall, inches away from her face. But she doesn't flinch. It's almost, as if she'd anticipated my reaction.
Why am I so angry?
I close my eyes for a second, loosening my grip immediately but my jaw is still clenched. Why is my heart beating so fast?
What's wrong with me?
But Sana stands still and I can feel her eyes on my closed ones.
And then I feel her soft lips being pressed against my cheek lightly. I furrow my eyebrows at the soft and warm feeling of her lips and breath on my skin.
When I open my eyes, she smiles at me sadly and I glance down at her lips.
My anger is gone.
What I would do to kiss her right now.
Her hand is in my hair, really soft and light and I close my eyes curtly at the feelings and tingles all over my body.
My arms sink down to my sides.
And when I open my eyes, she's gone.
And her whispered words lie in the air.
"You'll understand. I'll help you understand."
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