Before you go, turn the big light off (Please don't go)
-"I Like It When You Sleep, For You Are So Beautiful Yet So Unaware Of It", The 1975
***
I killed her.
Pat's words echoed inside her head.
For a few seconds, Miho was in a state of shock. Nanlamig ang buo niyang katawan. Hindi niya nagawang gumalaw o magsalita. Her mind was the only thing that functioned normally, sobra-sobra nga lang na parang sasabog na sa kung anu-anong imahinasyon ang pumasok dito.
She was able to fumble some words out of her mouth when she saw Pat walked closer to her.
"P-paano? Paanong..pinatay?"
Parang hindi na siya makahinga sa kaba habang hinihintay ang sagot nito. He seemed to be unpredictable and mysterious but she could never imagine him as an ex-convict. Kahit siguro umamin itong nakapatay ay hindi siya maniniwala.
"By doing nothing. Nanahimik lang ako," He said, pausing for a moment. "I kept her secret."
Miho immediately noticed his blank expression has turned into sadness. Deep inside, the fear subsided; napalitan na nga lang iyon ng pag-aalala. His coffee-hued eyes reflected so much of his emotions, lalo rin tuloy siyang nalungkot at na-guilty.
"Sorry.. ang usisera ko," She bowed her head in apology.
His warm fingertips tilted her chin up until her eyes met his.
"There's no need to apologize. I opened up, so it's not your fault but.. can we not talk about this anymore tonight?"
She nodded as she bit her lip. Pat's words roused more of her curiosity but she kept all the questions to herself. She respects his privacy, ayaw naman kasi niyang mangulit pa at tiyak maiinis ito sa kanya.
---
After taking a bath, Miho sat on the chair in the dining area, still thinking of him and his words. She couldn't avoid thinking of what had happened earlier. Kaya ba nagsimula itong mag-open up sa kanya ay dahil magkaibigan na sila? She hoped it was the reason.
Pat's words were vague but it was a relief to hear that he did not literally kill someone. Yun nga lang, malungkot pa rin. Based from what he said, he has something to do with the death of his mother. Hindi man niya alam kung ano ang buong storya, sigurado siya na dala-dala ito ni Pat hanggang ngayon. If not, then she wouldn't see the sadness reflected in his eyes when he spoke about her.
Paglabas ni Pat sa banyo, nakita niya itong dumiretso sa refrigerator at kinuha ang durian. Pinatikim nito iyon sa kanya. She didn't like the strong smell of the fruit but the taste for her was okay— creamy, mildly sweet and savory. It wouldn't be her favorite, pero ito yung tipong makakain niya kapag may nag-alok. Ayon kay Pat, paborito daw ito ng kapatid niya kaya raw lagi ang pasalubong sa kanya ni Charlie ay durian. Siya naman, mas gusto niya yung lasa ng candy kesa sa totoong prutas.
"I'm bringing some of this to Ate tomorrow. Are you free after work? Isasama sana kita. We'll have dinner with your mom tomorrow night, right? Tapos sa coffee shop ng kaibigan mo pagkatapos?"
Naalala pala nito ang mga plano niya para bukas. She nodded in affirmation before looking at his face. Again, she took the time in admiring his features, especially his eyes.
For her, Pat is really attractive in a simple, effortless way, lalo kapag nakangiti ito. Kahit nga ngayon na naka-pokerface ito ay hindi parin niya maikakaila na gusto parin niyang titigan ang mukha nito.
"Matutunaw na 'ko niyan," She heard him say. Napatagal na pala ang pagtitig niya dito at nahalata na nito.
"Ah.. hindi. May naisip lang. 'Di ko alam sa mukha mo na pala ako nakatitig." Ito na lang ang lumabas sa kanyang bibig matapos makaramdam ng hiya.
"I'm just curious. Say for example, if I did kill someone and I was just recently released from jail," He planted an elbow on the table and cupped his chin in his palm,"Will you immediately leave this place now and stay away from me for the rest of your life?"
It was a little difficult to answer his question. Napakamot siya ng ulo sa pag-iisip ng isasagot. She wanted to tell him the sincerest answer she could think of.
"Hindi," She replied.
"Liar," Pat said with a smirk.
Tinanong siya at sinagot lang niya, now he's accusing her of being a liar! Hindi niya tuloy naiwasang sumimangot dito.
"Then tell me, what would you do?"
"Magpapakwento ako," Napatitig siya sa kisame habang nagsasalita. "Siyempre sa una, matatakot ako. Normal initial feeling naman 'yon! Hindi naman ibig sabihin na nakapatay ka, wala ka ng kabaitan na natitira sa loob. Hindi ako iiwas kung mauunawaan ko lang yung nangyari. Mas nakakatakot kasi kapag may umamin sa'yo na ganun tapos hindi naman nagpaliwanag ng nangyari sa past."
Natigil siya saglit. Her response didn't sound very realistic. Napaisip tuloy siya kung totoo pa ba ang pinagsasabi niya.
"Atsaka.. alam ko namang hindi mo yun magagawa."
"Why are you so sure of that?"
She shrugged. "Alam ko lang. Basta!"
Pat chuckled and shook his head. Hindi maintindihan ni Miho kung anong nakakatawa sa mga sinabi niya pero hinayaan na niya ito.
"Lalabas lang ako," Biglang paalam nito sa kanya.
Sumilip siya sa bintana habang ito naman ay nagbihis. Malakas parin ang ulan sa labas. Bakit naman kaya nito gustong umalis? The weather isn't good; isa pa, kagagaling lang nila sa labas kanina.
"Kahit bumabagyo sa labas, aalis ka? Atsaka late na. Saan ka pupunta?"
Ayaw naman niyang magmukhang pakialamera pero hindi niya maiwasan. Madalas pa man din kasi ang traffic accident tuwing umuulan.
"Just.. somewhere. I'll be back in an hour or so. You should go get some sleep," He said as he ruffled his hand through her hair. Imbis na mainis, napatingin lang siya dito. She wanted to stop him and tell him to stay but he immediately took his keys and went outside. Wala na siyang nagawa para pigilan ito.
After brushing her teeth, she curled up in bed and forced herself to sleep. Yun nga lang, ayaw siyang patulugin agad ng sarili niyang isip. Niyakap na lang niya ang unan at kinalikot ang cellphone. Maybe this would help her doze off until the time that he returns.
---
Pat went to a cheap bar nearby where he had some drinks alone. May lumapit na babae sa kanya but he just told her he's not interested. Ang gusto lang niya kasi ay mapag-isa duon at uminom.
The past would always trigger something inside him. Kaya nga parati niyang iniiwasan na pag-usapan iyon. Earlier, he was surprised by his own action, hindi niya inasahan na sasabihin niya iyon sa kanya.
When Irish or his sister would try to talk about it with him, todo iwas siya agad. But now, he was really surprised that he opened up to someone not blood-related; umiwas nga lang din siyang magkwento pa pagkatapos. Good thing, he was able to remain calm and conceal all his feelings inside. Kung itutuloy pa niyang magkwento ay baka malabas lang niya ang nararamdaman at madamay pa si Miho sa galit niya.
He wanted to stay at his unit and empty a bottle of wine, pero baka lalo sisihin na naman ni Miho ang sarili kapag nalaman nito na gusto niyang uminom dahil hindi mabuti ang pakiramdam niya.
Kilala na niya kasi ito, kanina pa nga lang ay humihingi na naman ito ng tawad kahit wala naman itong kasalanan.
Bigla niyang naisip kung ano na kaya ang ginagawa nito ngayon. He hoped she's not overthinking right now. Baka natutulog na rin ito ngayon at inagawan na siya ng pwesto o baka hindi rin dahil na-trauma na ito kagabi. He imagined her lying on his bed and the image made him feel warm inside.. or maybe it was just the effect of beer.
He perfectly knew alcohol isn't the best medicine, pero ito na rin ang minsang takbuhan niya. He wanted Miho to kick the smoking habit, pero siya naman din may bisyo. He promised himself to drink two bottles only, then he'll go straight home. Medyo inaantok na rin kasi siya.
After he emptied his second bottle, he checked his phone. There were 2 missed calls coming from Miho and 5 unread messages. Naka-silent yuon kaya hindi niya agad napansin.
Alexandr
Mukhang nahanap na ni Gregorio yung icing sa ibabaw ng cupcake niya.
\m/
Alexandr
Pat, sabi namin ni Charlie, go for it. Sama mo uli siya sa susunod. Libre ko siya ng Bloody Mary. Siya lang ah. Hindi ikaw.
Mi Hijo
Pat?
Mi Hijo
Sorry, anlakas kasi ng ulan
Mi Hijo
Traffic pa ba? Minsan kasi traffic kahit madaling araw na
He texted her immediately. Kanina pa pala ito naghihintay ng sagot niya.
To Mi Hijo
Pauwi na ko. Don't worry. Why are you still awake? Do you miss me already? Isang oras pa lang ang nakakalipas. :)
Kidding aside, you should get some sleep.
He waited for an answer. Wala nga lang dumating, marahil ay nakatulog na ito.
---
Nakarating na siya ng past one. Sarado na rin ang mga ilaw sa kwarto, yung pull lights sa may kama na lang ang bukas. He noticed Miho was sleeping in bed. Hindi nga lang maayos ang pagkakahiga nito. Her left arm was embracing the pillow and her right hand was holding her cellphone.
Pat sat beside her and carefully took the phone from her hand. Sunod naman ay dahan-dahan niyang inayos ang pagkakahiga nito. Nagkamot lang ito ng pisngi pero hindi dumilat. Mukhang mahimbing ang pagkakatulog nito dahil hindi man lang ito tuluyang nagising.
He grabbed the opportunity to stare at her. Nagsimula siya sa mga pilikmata nito; it was as dark as her ebony straight hair which he found perfectly in contrast with her pale skin.
Then he mentally traced the three tiny moles on her left cheek as if to form a constellation before he turned his attention to her lips. Mamula-mula iyon na hindi man lang halata na nakakaubos ito ng kalahating kaha ng Marlboro.
Napahawak siya saglit sa kanyang dibdib. He felt his heart was pounding like crazy. He didn't particularly like the feeling— para kasi siyang tinamaan ng caffeine na may halong iba pang pakiramdam.
His eyes travelled downward; napatingin siya sa suot nitong dress na pantulog. Hindi alam ni Pat kung sino ang karakter na nasa damit nito pero mukha na naman itong pambata.
Napansin niyang nakaangat ang laylayan nito ng hanggang sa kanyang hita. He also noticed again, the scars present on her legs. Saan naman kaya ito napadpad at nagkapeklat siya ng ganito? Did she met an accident before? Napaisip siya habang inaayos ang damit nito.
Miho really looked like an innocent child especially when asleep. Pat knew he had never experienced having a lolita complex, but her child-like features seemed to arouse something inside him.
For him, she's.. as cute as a button. That is probably the right term to describe her. He would also sometimes compare her to a porcelain Japanese doll. She's lovely to look at, pero kapag hinawakan na, kailangan ingatan at baka mabasag.
Hindi parin humihinto ang mabilis na pagtibok ng kanyang puso. It was just like that time when he first saw her. Katulad din noon, hindi na naman siya mapakali. He took a deep breath before he moved closer to her. The urge was too strong but he summoned all his strength to resist it.
Pat promised himself not to take advantage of her as much as possible when she's asleep or drunk, so he just gently kissed her forehead before closing the pull lights above the bed.
---
Miho woke up in the middle of the night. She had a dream, but she couldn't remember it. Rinig pa rin niya ang ulan paggising. Agad niyang naalala si Pat at napansing patay na ang ilaw. Wala na rin sa kamay niya ang cellphone na hawak niya kanina. She turned around to the other side to check if he was already sleeping on the sofa.
To her surprise, she saw him sleeping beside her. Gaano na ito katagal na natutulog sa tabi niya? She had no idea. Ni hindi nga niya naramdaman na gumalaw ang kama.
Nagpasalamat na lang siya sa Diyos na hindi ito nakakapit sa kanya kung hindi, baka nagulantang na naman siya. Nakahiga nga itong malayo sa kanya; kaunting tulak na lang ay hulog na ito sa kama. She moved closer to him until she was inches away from him. Tsaka lang niya naamoy dito ang amoy ng alak; alam na niya kung saan ito nagpunta.
Hindi na niya itong pinagtangkaang gisingin at itaboy mula sa kanyang tabi. She shared her blanket with him, napansin niya kasing iniwan nito ang kanya sa may sofa. Hindi pa nga rin ito nakapagbihis; he was still wearing his shirt and jeans. Did he ended up sleeping beside her because he was too drunk to notice that he was not in the sofa? Maybe.
Tinitigan niya lang ito at hinayaan ang sariling magpatuloy na mamangha sa itsura nito hanggang sa makatulog siya ulit.
The next morning, Pat was the one who woke up early. Pinatay na naman nito ang alarm at ito mismo ang gumising sa kanya. Naluto na raw nito ang agahan at ang babaunin nila. Garlic rice and fried egg tapos gumawa rin ito ng Spam Curry gamit ang Japanese curry na pasalubong ng kanyang ina.
"Madaling intindihin yun instruction sa likod kaya ito na niluto ko," He said.
"Pero Japanese 'to, paano mo naintindihan?" She shot him a quizzical look while holding the curry pack. Kung siya nga nung umpisa hindi ito naintindihan, si Pat pa kaya?
"Google," Pat chuckled. "Actually, naghanap ako ng recipe, may English instructions doon."
"Uminom ka kagabi, 'no?" Miho suddenly remembered to ask. Hindi niya sadya na tunog masungit ang pagkakasabi niya. Her arms were even folded across her chest. Mukha siyang nanay na humihingi ng explanation sa anak na late umuwi.
"How did you know?" He asked before he brought the ladle to his lips, tasting the curry sauce.
"Sabi na eh. Wag mo na 'yun gagawin!" Pinalo niya ang braso nito, "Nag-drive ka pa naman pauwi! 'Pag ikaw naaksidente.. Grabe pa naman yun ulan kagabi!" She shook her head in disappointment. "Siyempre alam ko, kasi amoy alak ka kaya kagabi nung lumapit ako s—"
She couldn't continue her words. Tumingin ito sa kanya. His eyes seemed to convey a message. Agad niya iyon napansin at nang mapagtanto kung ano ang gusto nitong ipahiwatig, naramdaman na lang niyang nag-init ang mga pisngi niya.