-"Every man dies, but not every man lives."-
- Agust D
Where am I?
This time... where am I?
It's a hill. It seems familiar but something is off. The wind is heavy and the grass is dark. As I look around me, it feels as if something is missing.
As if I'm missing something.
Still, as the wind shakes up my form and I need to squint my eyes, because I somehow can't see, it feels like the heaviness sinks into my bones.
But I still stand, not breathing. I know, this isn't real. But it feels like it.
And like all the other times, I ask myself, what is real anymore. It just doesn't make sense anymore to me.
I live two lives in one mind.
Am I crazy? I'm out of my mind. I feel like losing my mind.
Because I can't convince myself, that this is not real. This feels like everything I know. This is memories and conscience combined.
It is real.
Why can't it be real.
I open my mouth and like always, it feels like talking through thick liquid, drowning me.
"Jungkook!", I mouth although no sounds escape my mouth.
And he is here, as always. And my mouth shuts again to restrain the words, that seem to bend their way out.
Because he is drenched and one hundred miles away.
Still, I can see him.
I scream, bursting my ears because he is drenched. And although it's still water, it shouldn't be this green.
But it flows down on him, creating puddles of water, creating the sea, that's ours.
Our shelter.
But it's not comforting.
And we love the dark, the night, the mystery, the cold, the secrets. But this time, it is too dark, too far gone into the night, mysteries too complex, the cold nagging onto my wet skin and the secrets too hidden.
I hope for a ray of sun.
"Jungkook!", I scream again and he is still far away.
And then we're under water, the green sea. Our death bed.
He doesn't move and I cry, cause it's exactly, how I remember him. Only the blood is missing.
"What are you doing here", his voice is cold and much darker, than I remember it and it makes me shiver.
"I don't know."
"WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE", it's loud and it rings through my ears and I meet Jungkook's gaze, cold as ice on mine. And I feel like, I'm frozen.
"What do you mean", I whimper and feel the tears on my cheek, although we're floating in green water.
But Jungkook continues and comes closer.
"Get out of the water", he says and it sounds pleading and bitter and knocks everything out of me as I see him begging in front of me.
"Please get out of the water", his hands are pointing upwards and I can see nothing, as I look up there.
It's just darkness.
"Look!", Jungkook points upwards again, something shining in his eyes, that I can't see.
And I can't see.
I shake my head over and over again. "No... no..."
"Please, Tae. Just... look", Jungkook grabs my shoulders, his hands on my shoulders, shaking me, waking me.
Please don't wake me.
Don't wake me.
"Look! There's it... there's light."
"I CAN'T SEE IT!"
He points up again, smiling and he seems so enlightened and happy that it makes me cry harder, because I can't see. Like before.
"There it is. Taehyung, it's right in front of you."
He furrows his eyebrows, as I clench my eyes, looking closer and closer. But... it's-
It's like there's a mirror.
And we all look into it, not knowing what's on the other side. The other side might look different but we can only see ourselves.
But I can't see myself.
And I wonder, if it's because I can't forgive myself for what I did. If it's the darkness inside of me, that I can see. That everyone else sees. I'm dark.
"You're wrong, Taehyung."
My crying eyes shift to Jungkook's. How can his eyes promise so much, tell me so much, be so kind, when it's the same as mine.
But he can still smile. How can he still smile?
"You smiled too, Tae."
I furrow my eyebrows, keeping still as the tears keep flowing, gluing my face.
"I saw you smile today, Tae", he says, smiling wider and it looks brighter. His eyes glisten over mine. He looks proud.
"I am proud."
Why are you proud of that? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... I don't know why it happened.
"I think, you forgave yourself for a moment."
"No." It's firm in my mind but my voice quivers, sounding far away. Jungkook cheers but I shake my head.
"You did it, Tae! You're so close! So close to-"
"Don't say it!"
"- finding the truth."
I shut my ears and shake my head repeatedly, screaming on the top of my lungs.
"Stop! Stop saying that! Please... I feel like I'm losing my mind...", I whimper and break down to the floor.
And something conquers the dark.
But I keep my eyes shut.
Jungkook laughs, from his heart. "You're so close, Tae! I saw you smiling today", he stops for a moment pursing his lips from smiling and a tear stains his cheek. "It was beautiful. Smile, Tae. This was the first step."
"Stop...", I cry out and my fingers clamp, when the water starts moving, making us travel through the waves.
"Come on, Tae. Look up."
I shake my head again, clenching my eyes shut, clenching my ears shut, clenching my mouth shut.
But I still feel it and I can still hear Jungkook's laugh in my ears.
"Look up! It's beautiful."
I cry and my heart clenches again and over again at everything. Everything hurts. I feel like losing myself, losing my mind.
Where is my mind.
"Look, Tae." This time it sounds firmer and I cry harder, when I feel no waves buckling around my body, creeping under my skin, but air.
And wind.
We're flying.
"LOOK!"
"NO!"
And the wind starts furing, lifting me up and up and I can feel it in every inch of my body and it makes me want to scream and cry and laugh at the same time. But I do nothing.
Instead, I keep still.
And let him do.
And the wind- is it a wind?
It feels like something else which, again, I can't put a name too. But it feels alive.
And it opens my mouth, caressing my stained cheeks with an invisible hand, making me breathe.
And I breathe, breathe in and breathe out and it feels so heavenly, that I feel not worthy. But the breeze strokes over my damped lashes, cleaning them, drying them, able to open.
If I want to open them.
"Open them. You can", Jungkook's voice whispers into my ear and I do as he says, something inside me urging me to do so.
Somethink in me breaking and leaving a hundred puzzle pieces, that need to be fixed up again.
If you can fix it up.
And when I open my eyes and finally see, I feel everything around me silencing, everything becoming numb in my body, everything starting to fly.
And it's fast and soft and perfect, the feeling that rushes through my bones, straight into my guts and back to my eyes, as time seems to stand still.
There was light.
And it's orange.
"You know, what's the lie, hyung", Jungkook whispers into my ear but I can't make myself to turn around.
Let this moment last a little longer.
"You know, what really happened."
My mind forms the words.
I do?
Why is it a question.
Jungkook is silent for a while, as the orange clouds my mind, wrapping around every single cell of my body.
"It's beautiful", Jungkook says and it's above a whisper. I can hear him smiling. "But why orange?"
It's an answer for myself and my head sinks, my eyes not as I think of what it reminds me of.
Why?
Why does it have to be like this...
"Hyung, start forgiving. Start with yourself. It wasn't your fault."
No.
He chuckles, sighing. His hand finds it place on my shoulder and I can almost feel his touch as he smiles down at me.
"You'll find out sooner or later. You will see this again."
He points at the mystery in front of us. The beauty. My favorite thing.
"This is your tomorrow."
Why do the words seem so calming to me? It feels like there's waves in my whole self, finally soft after crashing. Crashing for years.
My tomorrow. I have a tomorrow?
Jungkook chuckles again, lightly into my ear and nudges his head against mine.
"Of course you do, hyung. Of course you do. You deserve it."
I don't.
... -
"Live, Tae."
"You need to start living again."
"I love you, Tae..."
....
"... please start loving again."
.
.
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