Junaid's heartbeats accelarated as he waited for news outside the labour room. His Fajr and Isha Salah were offered in the hospital. He had ushered Afeefa in the night before and it was morning already. Afeefa's mother had reached from Kannur an hour ago.
Inside the labour room, Afeefa felt suffocated with so many women screaming in pain and nurses hurrying about to attend to each one. She was sweating heavily but she could not feel any contractions. There were about three nurses around her along with the doctor. She was scared. Really really scared. It would've been good if Junaid could come in. But this is India. You couldn't expect a private labour room.
She was being told again and again to push. Push, my dear. Push with all your strength. The baby will come out only if you push hard.
You have to be strong, Afi. You have to do it. She kept telling herself.
She had known that giving birth is hard, but she didn't know it was this hard. The pain was one thing, but what she found even hard was the fact that no matter how hard she pushed, it still seemed to be not hard enough. She was terrified by all the screams echoing in the room. Scary thoughts of all kind whirled around in her mind and she felt her heart constrict with fear in her chest. Panic stricken she started reciting Ayatul Kursi in her mind, a habit she had since childhood. Before she could complete it, however, a wave of contractions began and she let out a loud cry of pain.
After a final hard push, Afeefa let out a loud scream and closed her eyes wearily. She wanted to take a look at her baby but she was so exhausted to even open her eyes.
* * *
Afeefa smiled as she extended her hands to hold her baby boy who was sleeping peacefully in Junaid's hands. It was then that she noted that Junaid's hands were trembling visibly.
"What's wrong?" She looked up at his face to find his eyes glistening with tears.
"Awww. Someone's getting emotional", Afeefa teased as she carefully took Yusuf in her hands.
"He's so tiny and cold," she mused, tracing a finger over his soft cheeks. "And he looks like your spitting image."
"Lips are yours, Afi. Exactly like yours,"
Junaid's voice cracked.
A loud sniff from the side drew Afeefa's attention to her mother who was furiously wiping away tears with a kerchief.
"Umma, why are you crying?" Afeefa started panicking. "Is something wrong with our baby?"
She looked at Junaid as he approached her and laid a hand on her shoulder.
"Yusuf is with Allah, Afi. He went to Jannah to welcome us there when we go."
Afeefa's eyes widened as she looked between her husband and her mother, waiting to hear that it's not true. Then she looked back at the baby lying in her arms, noticing for the first time that he was not breathing and that he was not showing any signs of life.
"He d-died??" The words somehow made the situation more tense and painful, coming from the mother holding her child for the first time.
"He was stillborn. The doctor realised the baby is not alive during the scan. She didn't inform you because you needed to be strong for the delivery, otherwise an operation would have been necessary. You were good, Afi, you did really great."
Junaid's words hung in the air as Afeefa stared at him for a really long time. She did not scream or cry or even sob. She just stared in a daze at whatever was in front of her. She stared as her baby was taken from her, mechanically kissing it's forehead when Junaid insisted. She stared as her close relatives came, offering sympathetic words and prayers. She stared when she was told that the burial is over, no janaza prayer as it is a stillborn baby. For hours, she simply stared.
There are times when words fail to express emotions. That was Afeefa's condition. No words and no amount of tears could describe how agonising it felt. How terribly it hurt. But her pain could be seen in her eyes. It is said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. It could never be more true. Her eyes were staring unseeingly at the hospital wall. Every once in a while, her lips would turn up in a small hollow smile, scaring the people watching her. She kept pushing away her mother's comforting hands. When Junaid went to stand near her, she turned away and lied down on the bed.
Junaid himself was in a pretty bad condition when he went near Afeefa. He had just gone to the prayer room in the hospital, offered two raka'at salah and cried his heart out. No one else was around as there was still time for the Dhuhr Aadhan. He felt a little better afterwards but he was still very much worried about his wife.
Not even a single tear had escaped Afeefa's eyes. It was not healthy to bottle up grief like that. She needed to cry. May be she's waiting to be alone, he thought. He couldn't even imagine how she might be feeling right now. He knew his own grief over the loss of their son was nothing compared to his wife's, the woman who had carried him inside her womb for 9 months. She had endured all the difficulties that came with pregnancy without complaining even once. She had been doing everything for the moment when she would finally see their child and hold him, alive. They had never thought of their child's departure from dunya.
Junaid would have done anything to take his wife out of her current misery. He couldn't stand the lifeless look in her eyes. It made him want to cry out loud. Had she cried, or screamed, it wouldn't have hurt him so much. You wouldn't expect any less from a mother who has lost her child. But all she gave were blank stares and hollow smiles which tugged at his heart painfully. He was scared she was losing it. It happens right? Some people do cross the borderline of sanity at such times.
He made a quick du'a in his mind as he sat himself on the bed. As he started to stroke Afeefa's forehead, he sensed his mother-in-law leaving the room and closing the door behind her. Grateful for the privacy, he pulled Afeefa into a sitting position and put his arms around her in a tight embrace. When she didn't respond, he sighed inwardly and pulled back to look at her eyes. She was staring at the wall behind him. Junaid felt tears pricking his eyes as he pulled her to his chest and stroked her back. He decided to try his last choice. He took out his phone and played the recitation of Surah Yusuf while still holding Afeefa in his arms. He felt her stiffening in his arms and was happy for the reaction. When it reached the ayah wa tawalla 'anhum wa qaala yaa asafaa 'alaa yusuf wabyadhat 'aynaahu minal huzni fahuwa kadheem (And he turned away from them and said, "Oh, my sorrow over Yusuf," and his eyes became white from grief, for he was [of that] a suppressor.) Afeefa suddenly broke down crying and Junaid stopped the recitation and held her close as she cried into his chest. She finally hugged him back and Junaid felt his own tears flowing freely.
It was several minutes later that Asma entered the hospital room to find her daughter sitting near Junaid with tear stained eyes. She muttered an Alhamdulillah under her breath and let out a sigh of relief. It was disturbing to watch Afeefa grieving without crying a single tear for her baby. Only Allah knew how much her daughter loved kids and it was heartbreaking to watch her lose one even before she could cherish motherhood.
Junaid stood up as Asma approached them, "I'll go and get some food for us."
"I'm not hungry. Don't get me anything," Afeefa called out from where she sat, her voice croaky from all the crying.
"You haven't eaten anything since morning!" Asma exclaimed, and Junaid nodded.
"You are eating, Afi. No more talks about it. Bye. Assalamu'alaikum."
Glossary:
Du'a : Prayer
Fajr Salah : First of the five compulsory prayers offered at dawn before sunrise
Isha Salah: Last of the five compulsory daily prayers offered at night
Ayatul Kursi: The Verse of the Throne. It is verse 255 of the second chapter of th Noble Qur'an.
Jannah: Heaven
Janazah prayer: Islamic funeral prayer; a part of the Islamic funeral ritual
Raka'at: Consists of the prescribed movements and words followed by Muslims while offering prayer
Dhuhr Aadhan: The call for the mid-day prayer
Surah Yusuf: 12th chapter of the Noble Qur'an that delves into the story of Prophet Yusuf (Alaihi Salam)
Ayah: Verse
Alhamdulillah: Praise and thanks be to Allah
Assalamu'alaikum: Peace be upon you