"tooru?"
elise stood in front of me, an ice-cream cone in each hand. her soft blue eyes met my own, a half-baked grin forming on her glossy pink lips.
she was truly beautiful- a real work of art. too fragile to touch; most people would say. but she wasn't perfect- even i noticed it. she's a narcissist. people dismissed it as her just being prideful, but spending so much time with her just- suggested otherwise.
i know the way she thinks.
i know how fast her pretty eyes grow cold and calculating.
i know how she obsesses over her blonde hair and petite frame and i know how she thinks lowly of all the other girls and i know how she mutters insults under her breath and i know how manipulative she is.
and i know how i've fallen too deep into something i can't drag myself out of.
"i got you the 'super duper fucking rad and awesome tasting' milk-bread flavored ice-cream you wanted,"
she deadpanned, handing a cone to me.
"you do realize it's winter, right? my ass is frozen and you're offering it like i'm sweating balls-"
she pouted.
"t-thank you though."
finishing the ice-cream, i leaned over and kissed her flushed cheek. in response, she stood on her tiptoes and pushed her lips onto mine.
nothing.
it didn't feel romantic at all.
i felt the same emptiness every time, nothing new. no sparks, no fire, no passion erupting within me. a sensation of guilt arose from my hollow chest and made its way up to my throat- forcing me to choke out my words.
"elise, i-"
just as i was about to tell her, little flecks of white showered over us. one landed right on the tip of her nose, melting on contact.
breaking the silence, i took her warm hands into mine, lifting them up to the space between our faces. that moment felt like forever, as i got lost in the depths of her azure orbs. i leaned towards her face once again, our breaths intertwining as i whispered,
"race you to the dorms, bitch."
zooming off, i laughed, slipping here and there on ice. elise barely kept up with me, throwing snow balls to hinder winning title.
i loved her.
•
"i win, you owe me milk bread for a week,"
i chirped as we reached the girls' dorm. elise sighed and walked up the stairs. i watched her hand slowly turn the doorknob, but it halted.
her shoulders tensed up. she turned around to meet my gaze,
"w-would you like to stay the n-night?"
regret built up on her expression and she clarified,
"i mean, my roommate is not here for the night and uhh--
she's probably not gonna come back anytime soon and it's cold and i'm kinda lonely and i-"
i strode up the stairs in seconds and shut her up with a single kiss.
this kiss was different from the others.
more lustful, i suppose.
we hadn't really "done it" since we started dating. it'd only been kisses and cuddles that i'd taken advantage of.
heat radiated from her body when i held her in my embrace that night. i was unusually careful, like i was afraid to break her, but she--
she was the one who wrapped me in endless devotion.
i cradled her, guilt seeping through me. tears escaped my eyes and my lips trembled. the night sky illuminated the room, allowing me to see her sleeping face.
i hated myself.
i hated myself for doing this to her.
my hands reached out and stroked her face, hoping that she couldn't sense my regret.
on that cold winter's night--
i sat there alone and realized i could no longer breathe in my broken pieces and put myself back together with a simple exhale.
i realized it was too late to fix the thousands of shards of glass that used to be my passion.
i realized i couldn't run away again.
•
weeks passed; elise and i shared many more intimate moments with one another. sometimes at school, we'd even wriggle our eyebrows at each other as a joke, but none of our peers ever seemed to catch on.
everything was okay.
except for one thing.
iwaizumi still hadn't said a word to me.
i felt like shit when i returned to the dorms. he would just pretend like i wasn't even there anymore.
and it hurt.
it hurt like hell.
practice was even shittier.
i had to communicate with him without using words, which was the most difficult thing of all.
but as i sat alone in my bedroom one night, the dorm empty, i understood.
i understood why.
and i couldn't blame him.
•
"oikawa's tired. can't you just let him sleep? you're so fucking persistent."
"the hell is that supposed to mean? he's my boyfriend, you can't just stop me from seeing him! what are you, his mom?"
"listen to me, you little shit- oikawa doesn't know what type of toxic relationship he's gotten himself into. can you just go? he doesn't want you here. no one does. "
"are you saying i'm the one screwing up his life?! how dare you!"
the vicious tones gradually got worse and worse.
"leave him alone!"
"you can't stop me, iwaizumi!"
"get the hell out!"
"i'm seeing him, no matter what!"
i could hear slight shuffling coming from the entrance, then the sound of the door closing, and elise's aggravated yell from afar.
iwaizumi sighed as he headed towards the bedroom, where i once again, pretended like i was asleep.
running away has always been my talent.
he laid on the bed next to mine. i could feel gaze on my face.
i can't.
i have to stop being so afraid.
i need him.
i need to talk to him.
just once.
hesitantly, i opened my eyes to meet his. i felt my hands trembling.
"hajime."
"what, tooru?" he snapped.
"do you hate me?"
"i don't know, actually."
he flipped over and broke the conversation.
stop.
stop.
stop.
look at me.
"hajime, why do you hate me?" i choked out.
"because you're always screwing up and i have to be there to clean it up."
"you don't have to-"
"of course i don't, but i don't want to see you fall apart either," he muttered.
silence.
"hajime, don't ever push me away like that again."
"why? don't you hate me for doing that to you?"
memories and thoughts of that day returned and i jolted out of my bed and leaped onto his. he flinched at my sudden action, shifting away. i leaned over him, blocking any way for him to move.
"you're my best friend, i could never hate you, hajime. the only thing i hate about you is the fact that you push me away when i need you the most. do you have any idea how hard it's been without you? ugh, you're such an ass--"
warm tears streamed down my face, dripping onto his t-shirt. iwaizumi's expression shifted, his stoic front slipping away. the smallest smile formed on his lips.
a rare sight to behold. i loved every second of it.
"i could never hate you either, dumbass."
he pulled me into a hug and, after getting over the momentary shock, i leaned into the embrace, letting my tears flow freely.
"ugh, this is so gay,"
i hiccuped, mumbling into his shirt.
he took a deep breath before replying,
"that's okay with me."
•
the next day, i dropped by elise's dorm to pick her up for our date. it was snowing and the night sky lit up the snow flakes like stars. it was a perfect night.
when she came out, her usual pretentious air was completely gone; she looked terrible. her eyes shadowed with black rings seemed out of focus, her face was completely gaunt, and i almost didn't recognize her at first.
elise didn't even smile, she just glared at me.
"are you--"
"tooru, i'm pregnant."
•
a/n:
amy: ash flipped the fuck out for like ten minutes and i was laughing so hard i'm the worst waifu ever ;^))))
ash: hha sorry for accidentally uploading the chapter before i edited it i sorta screwed up
but now you guys know what my job is so that's good????