Chapter twenty seven: My Blood
A lump forms in my throat as I stand staring at the wall waiting for him to come through the doctor's office door. He knew I would be here, what was he going to say to me? Did my mother even tell him I knew the family secret? Do I even care? I want to, I want to be furious and upset. I want to be twisted up inside over the secret that has been hidden for almost nineteen years.
All I could think of was that I had gained Bradley from this, I wasn't losing anything.
I would get better in light of this secret, emotionally and psychically I can move on trom this, start over from all this shit I was going through. As the doorknob turns I close my eyes tightly waiting for it to swing open and having him standing there.
It was so different this time, he is my father's best friend. He has eaten dinner at our table more than a dozen times, he had comforted Jean when she broke her leg in the first grade. He was as close to a father as our own...but he is mine. He was there, at the funeral, he had wrapped his arms around me to comfort me in a time of darkness.
I guess it has always been obvious, the way that he had treated us was too good, too fatherly but we never noticed. He was just doing what we expected.
"Sarah," his voice is low and altered from his normal stern tone. I cringe slightly as he extends his hand to mine which is tightly tucked into the crook of my elbow, my nails digging into the fragile skin harshly.
"I know that this is a lot of news, but for now let's worry about making you better." He says retracting his arm back from me after I don't reach out to him.
He looks exhausted like sleep has left him for days and wasn't returning. His eyes were sunken and rimmed with shades of purple and blues. I wait just standing there staring at him until my name is called, she smiles at me and leads me back; happy as always.
Niall had driven me and insisted on coming inside, but I had talked him down. This was something I needed to do alone. Watching Roger getting tubes placed in his arms for the testing, I sigh and relax in the chair across from him.
"Why do this?" I ask and he looks up from his arm to me "Why risk ruining your family, just for me?"
"Sarah," he says seriously, giving me a look I haven't seen in a long time. "I have waited so long to tell you, and it hasn't been a secret. Your father knew, my wife knew we agreed that is was best to keep it from you, all of you. But it doesn't change the love I have for you."
He looks beat and drained just saying the sentence, but at the same time something crawled to the surface showing his emotion in his eyes. Love, regret and thats what it is a mixture of the both. My heart slightly aches for him but the anger is heavier.
"You should have thought about Brad first," I whisper just barely able to make the words through my tight lips.
"Who do you think I'm thinking about Sarah?" He says raising his eyebrows and shoving his free hand in his jean pocket retrieving his wallet.
He hands it to me instructing me to open it, when I do there in the front plastic window is a cracked and worn photo. I pull it out slowly and flip it up in my hands looking down at it. It is from our first day of school, Brad's bright smile is destroyed by missing teeth and a milk moustache. My head rests in his shoulders and his eyes looking down on my dark hair that is pulled back into awfully high pony tails.
I smile wide remembering the day like it is yesterday we had walked to school ourselves and he tripped into a mud puddle wrecking his clothes before we even arrived.
"Sarah if Brad loses you," he starts shaking his head "I will lose both of you."
I never had thought about the love between us but that was because the love we had, the love that Brad and I had grew into something that was impossible to break. He was always there, he is always there and all this time I was worrying about losing him but I forgot about him carrying on after I was gone. He wouldn't.
"But it's also about making right what has been wrong for so long," he says rubbing his hands against his jeans removing the nervous sweat. "I should have never kept it from you for so long. It was selfish to let you think is was your fault that Darren died, it was so selfish and childish."
I am not even sure of what to say to him because he's right, it was selfish and he shouldn't have done that. He should have stepped up and told us but he didn't.
"I should be so angry," I say out loud, I don't mean too but it came out and he looks straight at me making me nervous. I almost want to stand up and leave the room to collect myself before I explode out of my own skin. "But," I shudder in my seat. "I'm not allowed to be, Brad deserves to hear it from you. He also deserves to be happy, he deserves to go to London."
I have not a single idea where my sudden bravery had appeared from but it was shining full force in the face of my father now.
"Look what good London did for you," he says in a tone that stops me from rolling my eyes at him.
"I was sick long before I came to London, the only reason I came was because I had made the choice to live out every last second doing what I love and being with who I love."
He just stares at me as I rant over and over again, "I've been so sick I can't stand some days, I was ready to go home and die but then I remembered. I remembered how much I loved what I was doing, so I refused too. If I can move and build my dreams sick and dying, then Brad has the same right to do so healthy and young." I grip the edge of the chair with one hand looking at him.
"I am grateful for your help, I am. But I want you to know if this doesn't work that you will give Bradley the chance to be his own person."
"Okay," he says agreeing with me just like that.
"Okay?" I says repeating it back to him.
"Whatever you want," he says simply. "I may not be able to say I raised you or that you are my daughter out loud to the world. I can however say I'm proud of you, who you've become as a person. You are strong and have so much willpower, I'm surprised the cancer hasn't thrown up it's arms in defeat."
We sit in silence for the rest of the hour in the office and labs, my surgery was scheduled for the week after it made me more nervous waiting for it. He promises me again that he'll speak to Brad, for me. "You'll beat this Sarah, I know you will."
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Niall opens the car door for me, smiling and happy as he gently closes it behind me. He climbs in leaning over to me across the center and kisses me carefully before starting the engine. "My dad called, he'd like to see you." He asks "you up for it"
I nod my head yes and he pulls out of the parking lot, I am glad I was able to speak to Roger today. I feel better, almost like a weight off my shoulders. I rest my hand on top of Niall's as he drives listening to a crap song on the radio as usual. I am also extremely glad that he doesn't ask any questions about the conversation.
I am in a great mood, I feel good until we stand in front of the stadium, staring at my broken dreams.We walk slowly through the halls and part of me wants to slide against one of them, to cry and scream.
We knock on his door and push it open to Coach sitting at his desk on the phone. He motions for us to sit down in the chairs as he finishes his conversation. Niall picks up a pen and flicks it over and over between his fingers as we wait in silence.
"Sarah," he says as she sets down the phone with a clank. "How are you feeling darling?"
When he says darling I smile to myself because its something that Niall says to me, its a sweet term they use. "Alright," I lie to him.
I was feeling as good as I could at the time, I would feel better soon but for now I was stuck feeling blank, weak and defeated.
"Niall's mother told me you found a match and that if the procedure works--" he says "the transplant, you'll be in remission sooner than later?" I nod trying not the smack Niall for telling his mother with such little guarantee behind the treatment.
"I want to offer you a job, I know that playing is a long shot for now. But until then I need to fill a staff position, and I would love to bring you on. You know most of the girls, and they love you." he says.
It was a shock to me, to have him hand this idea to me. All these years all I wanted was to play on the team but now I had the opportunity to make the team amazing.
"I know for now its a far off possibility but I would like--I love to see you out there next season as a coach. We could use you to help scouting over the summer, meetings and stuff."
I look at Niall who smiles at me and shrugs his shoulders, but nods in encouragement "Yes, yes I would love to."
"Good....great." he smiles almost bigger than I was and I shake my head, "First recover though, get better and don't push anything please."
Sitting here staring at him I can see Niall in his father, the way he looks at me and smiles. The tone in his voice and the way he was treating me with the love of a father, I needed that. I realize right there that I had that, and could have more than one dad because a dad isn't a gene or a hospital record. It's a feeling. It's love and it's unconditional, it's pride and support, and I had it from more than one person.
I thank him and I stand up following Niall from the room, as we reach the car he finally stops and stares at me. "What's wrong Sarah..." he says quietly, "ya didn't have to say yes to him."
He wraps his arms around me and leans me up against the truck, "It's definitely not that," I say resting my head against his chest. "Your dad is just so nice to me, he could have given up on. Just walked away from me, said oh Sarah's sick, who cares. I guess I just--" I stop. "I just really appreciate him and I--"
"Miss your own dad," he whispers, he kisses my forehead and looks down on me. "Just think of how proud he is of you."
I wasn't a religious person in the past, and somehow looking back to the stadium calmed my heart a little bit. Made me feel a bit less anxious about and wretched about his absence. Love you dad.