Camila knocked on Sam's door and ran a hand through her hair as she waited for him to open the door. Sam opened the door and smiled tightly. "Hey." He greeted softly.
Camila nodded to him. "Hi." She whispered.
Sam rubbed his neck as he moved back to give Camila space to step inside. He closed the door behind them when she was inside and leaned against the door. "Gabe's taking a nap." He told her. "So you'll have to wait for him to wake up." Sam said.
Camila nodded as she sat down on the couch. "That's fine."
Sam nodded. "So...how did it go?"
Camila looked up at Sam. "Do you really want to know, Samuel?" she asked.
"Well, I rather hear it from you than someone else. Besides, I know you're dying to tell someone. You always bounce your knee when you have something to say or something's troubling you. And I'm wondering which one it is." Sam answered.
Camila looked down at her bouncing knee and chuckled. "You've always known me well."
Sam shrugged. "I've had nine years of experience." he smiled softly. "So?"
Camila smiled softly. "It went okay."
Sam gave her a knowing look that said "I know there's more to it than that."
Camila continued. "We kinda talked...kinda did more than talk..." she mumbled with a blush.
Sam chuckled awkwardly. "Well you're quick to catch up." He said.
Camila pushed him playfully before looking down at her bouncing knee again. "She's broken." She whispered.
Sam raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?" he asked.
"There's so much...sadness. And anger. I can tell she carries a lot on her shoulders." Camila observed. "And she's been carrying that since we first met." She frowned. "The thing is, she only shared to me a portion of what she felt. But I feel like there's more that she's not telling me. I want to help her, but...she told me I'm not enough to fix her. That's a punch in the face." She chuckled as she shook her head. "I love her still, Samuel, I do. But...I'm scared."
"What are you afraid of?" Sam asked, raising an eyebrow.
"That..." Camila sighed as she ran a hand through her. "That I love Lauren from the past and not the present. And that as much as I try, I won't be able to find myself loving this new version of Lauren in comparison to the old one." She chuckled bitterly. "That's fucked up."
Sam raised his hand slightly as he lifted up the sleeves of his button up shirt. "Can I put in my own input on this?"
Camila hummed as she crossed her arms and looked over at him. "Well I am sharing this all to you in hopes of input, so yes." She chuckled.
Sam smiled at Camila before nodding. "All right, well, I still love you. That's obvious, right?" he asked.
Camila raised an eyebrow before nodding. "I'm not in the mood to discuss our failed marriage, Samuel."
Samuel nodded before continuing. "Yes, well I'm not either. That's not the point. What I mean by that is that, despite all the changes you went through, I managed to find bits of the old you and continue to love those and find bits of the new you and learn to love those." He chewed on his lip before continuing. "My perspective of love is learning to love your partner's growth. You're never the same person forever, you are constantly learning and changing and developing parts of you that were meant to unfold in those moments."
Camila hummed as she processed Sam's response, finding truth in it.
Sam smiled softly at her reaction and continued. "For example..." he trailed off before speaking again. "When we first dated, there was mystery in you. And there was an obvious darkness to you that happened for reasons I know now. Then you learned and grew to become a more goofier and carefree person. But all the while, you kept your responsible and prude side to you." He chuckled. "And when you had Gabe, you became more maternal. More compassionate. Creative. Loving. Childish. That was your greatest growth. It wasn't very hard to learn to love those changes." He smiled before continuing. "Point is, love, you have to learn to love growth of those you cherish. If you can't learn to love someone's change, then you don't really love them in the first place. Unless that change is negative and damaging, but that's a whole other story. What I'm saying is to love their growth as a person."
Camila smiled softly at Samuel's words, he always knew the right thing to say. "Yes, well, that's true. However, she seems to have lost everything I use to love about her."
Sam nodded. "That's because life hit her and those things got lost. She grew in a different way, that doesn't mean it's necessarily a bad thing. The things she went through caused her to have a more negative outlook on life, thus a more negative growth. But the thing I'm trying to tell you is that you can't love certain qualities about a person. You have to love a person's entire being. Unconditional love, Camila." He said softly. "And, well, think about it...you only spent five days getting to know her. You didn't have a lot of time to learn all about her. So, you have to use whatever time she's here for to learn old and new things about her. Maybe it won't be perfect things that are easy to love, but it's going to be her. And if you truly love her, you will find a way to love all qualities about her."
Camila chewed her lip and nodded.
Sam shrugged. "If she found a way to love you when you were cynical and an asshole, then you can love her when she's lost. Look what you became afterwards," he said. "you changed. She's going to change eventually, too. You just have to stick around to see it. If you want to, anyway."
Camila sighed and leaned her head against Sam's shoulder. "I hate that you're right." She mumbled.
Sam laughed. "Well, you wanted to hear my input."
"Yes, but I didn't expect you to be so right that I agree with you." Camila said as she lifted her head and looked at him with a chuckle.
"That's why we worked for a while," Sam told her. "I'm the realist and you're the dreamer, we balanced each other out. I made sure you didn't float up to the clouds high above and you made sure I didn't sink into the dirt where my feet were planted."
Camila hummed. "We weren't that bad." She noted.
Sam nodded. "But there wasn't love on both parts of the relationship. You always need love in a relationship." He said before shrugging. "We didn't have it, oh well. But I'm still going to stick around because we did have a kid together."
"Because you let your little children swim inside me."
Sam rolled his eyes. "Well one of those children is Gabriel and it's obvious you don't regret him." He retorted.
Camila laughed and shook her head. "No." she whispered. "How is he since the whole circus fiasco?" she asked.
"He's chatty." Sam replied with a hum. "Very chatty about the circus. Especially with Lauren, I don't know if I should be jealous or not."
Camila shook her head. "He loves you." She assured. "Besides...I'm not sure if I want Lauren around him. First, I want your permission if you want him around her. And...I want to make sure she's going to be permanent. I don't want him to get attached only for it to not work out and he's going to get hurt. I don't want him to get hurt." She said softly.
Sam nodded. "I'm not against her being around him, I just want to make sure she's going to care for him too. If she's signing up for this, she's basically becoming a third parent. Gabe's always going to be around." He told her. "So, what I'm trying to say is...I want to meet her. It doesn't have to be right away, but I want to meet her. I carry no resentment over her, but I just want to make sure she's good enough for you. I do believe wholeheartedly you deserve happiness and I want to make sure she'll give it to you."
Camila smiled softly. "Thank you." She whispered before hugging Sam.
Sam hugged her back and nodded. "Of course." He whispered.
"ARE YOU MARRIED YET?" Gabe exclaimed as he ran to the living room.
"Well that nap didn't last long." Sam commented.
Gabe got on Camila's lap. "Did you guys kiss?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows.
Camila blushed and chuckled as she hugged Gabe. "Mhmm." She said as Sam smirked.
"Definitely kissed." Sam assured as Camila glared at him before kissing the top of Gabe's hair.
Gabe smiled before nuzzling Camila's chest. "Good." He said as he yawned.
Camila smiled softly as she ran her fingers through her son's hair. "Wanna go home, bud?" she asked.
Gabe only hummed as he nuzzled Camila's chest again. Camila laughed softly before looking at Sam. "I guess that should be our cue to leave." She said as she got up with Gabe in her arms.
Sam nodded as he got up as well, walking them to the door. "I'll see you later." He smiled softly. "Remember what I said."
Camila nodded. "I'll remember." She assured as Sam opened the door and they left.
_________________________
"So how long are you here for?" Camila asked Lauren as they walked around the circus sharing grapes.
Lauren popped a grape into her mouth. "Two more weeks." She answered. "Then we head to three more towns and then we take a two week break before going back on the road."
Camila hummed. "Oh." She mumbled as she ate a grape.
Lauren turned to her. "You can still back out, you know." She reminded her.
Camila shook her head, remembering her conversation with Sam. "Of course not, I'm sticking around." She told her. "I just wish I had you for longer." She pouted slightly as she intertwined her fingers with Lauren's.
Lauren sighed and nodded. "I wish that too." She agreed. "But it's my circus, and someone's gotta run it." Lauren shrugged before smiling as she looked down at their intertwined hands, squeezing Camila's hand gently.
The two continued walking until they sat down on a bench they had, Lauren starting to play with Camila's fingers.
"I still have your camera." Lauren mumbled, running her fingertip over Camila's palm. "You must've left it after we printed out all your pictures." She said.
Camila hummed, watching Lauren play with her hand. "So that's where it went." She said in realization.
Lauren nodded as she traced shapes on Camila's hand.
"I have your letter." Camila said with a chuckle. "I barely found it."
Lauren looked up and blushed. "Oh, that thing."
Camila giggled. "Yeah, that thing." She teased. Camila smiled softly. "It made me cry, it was beautiful." She whispered, lifting up Lauren's hand and kissing it gently. "Did you mean every single word?"
Lauren nodded. "I would never lie to you." Lauren assured her. "I felt like you needed some reassurance...maybe some optimism that it wasn't the end for us. It sure did feel like it."
Camila hummed. "Well lucky for us, the universe chose us to find each other again."
Lauren smiled softly. "Lucky us." She whispered.
Camila kissed Lauren's lips gently. "You would tell me if something's going on, right?" she asked Lauren, biting her lip.
Lauren raised an eyebrow before nodding. "Yeah, why?" she asked, looking at Camila warily.
Camila nodded slowly. "Because...you're different. And if it's not a good different, I want to know. Because I want to be there, really be there."
Lauren sighed. "It's been 10 years, Camila, of course I'm not the same. Neither are you. Neither is anyone. There's nothing wrong with me, okay? I just get stressed sometimes with running the circus but that's it. I'm fine. You worry about things that are worth worrying about." She assured the girl.
Camila could see the obvious anxiety that surged through Lauren the moment she tried to get something out of her. "If we're going to make this work, and we're going to be something serious and permanent, then you can't stay quiet with me." Camila told her. "I'm always going to have stuff going on because I'm a mother and I have a career and all, but I'm always going to have time for you. Because we have time now. There's no five days, there's endless days if you want there to be."
Lauren looked at her and kissed Camila's cheek. "I'm fine." She whispered.
Camila didn't believe her.
__________________________________
When Lauren went to go get ready for the show later that night, Camila approached Selena who was putting on make-up.
"You wouldn't lie to me, right? You won't bullshit me if I ask you some questions?" Camila spoke up as she stood behind Selena.
Selena looked up and looked at Camila from the mirror. "No."
Camila nodded. "Is Lauren okay?"
Selena turned around to face Camila and shook her head. "No." she whispered.
"Then what's wrong with her? She won't tell me anything and I feel like I'm talking to a wall sometimes. She assures me everything's fine but I don't believe her." Camila sighed. "What's wrong?"
Selena sighed as she sat down. "When you left, she became very depressed and angry. She punched Halsey in the face once, even. It wasn't just because of you, though. You were just the last thing that helped set her off. Losing you just proved to her that she had no control over her life. She was really bad, really depressed. It's like we lost Lauren completely. And we almost really lost her." She gave Camila a look that made Camila quickly realize what she meant.
"She tried to kill herself?" Camila whispered, eyes wide. Her heart sank at the words and Selena looked at her with a frown.
Selena nodded. "Yes. We stayed at a hotel once and she tried to overdose." She said softly. "Ally and I found her." She bit her lip. "You can't blame her for not wanting to tell you."
Camila ran her hand through her hair and closed her eyes, feeling her eyes water. "Does she still feel this way?" she asked. "The thoughts to end her life?"
Selena nodded. "Sometimes." She said softly.
"Oh my god." Camila whispered to herself.
"Listen, I know this is a lot. But you can't start looking at her like a little mangled puppy. She's not. You can't change what happened and you can't change how she is now. You can only love her, but you can't change her. She has to change herself. You can't fight the battles of other people, Camila." Selena told her with a frown.
Camila closed her eyes. "What can I do? How can I help her?"
"Just love her. You have no idea how much a little love can do to a person."
Listen I've been meaning to get this chapter done but I got a little stuck and then I came up with this. ALSO I FINISHED SPEECH THANK GOD. So I have a few weeks off before I start the fall semester and die lol
As always
Tumblr: loovelikee-fools
Twitter: @jenniferdontpls
Love you guys...
-Jennifer