I'd never been able to explain how pain actually feels.
When mom died, I was young. It affected me in so many ways that I couldn't express. It broke my heart. When our cat Charlie got hit by a car outside the house, it broke my heart. Dad being in the hospital last Christmas, it broke my heart.
My heart was full of small cracks, and today is the day it'll shatter.
I'd been laying in bed all night, awake. I couldn't sleep. I heard Jaymi's light snores next to me and that was the only thing keeping me sane and quiet right now. I looked at my alarm clock on the nightstand.
06:12
The alarm was supposed to go off in three minutes.
I switched it off and rolled on my side, pulling the sheets over my mostly naked body. I ran my hand down Jaymi's cheek and his eyes fluttered open.
Immediately I felt my eyes water.
Today was the day that Jaymi left me.
I'm probably being extremely dramatic. Definitely being extremely dramatic. Considering a year ago, I couldn't stand this man. It was different now. Everything was different now.
I loved him.
I couldn't let him know that, it's only been a few months that we've been together. But I can't help loving every single part of him. Everything about him filled my heart with absolute love and joy.
I couldn't let him know that.
Especially not now.
I felt the tear slip out of my eye and I wiped it away quickly.
"Come on, it's time to wake up. We have to sneak you out of here." I chuckled, trying not to expose my emotions. I'd been hard over the past few weeks and I couldn't let him see me break now.
I sat up and pulled on my pajamas that were basically ripped off my body last night. I heard Jaymi doing the same thing on his side of the bed.
I watched Luna sleep in the corner in her fluffy bed and my heart felt whole. I felt Jaymi's arms around my shoulders and he pulled me back down into the bed.
"I'll be back at around nine for breakfast. We can go wherever you want." He told me, kissing my forehead and smiling down at me. I could see in his eyes the same sadness that mirrored my own.
I nodded and pushed him up. We snuck to the door and I watched as he snuck away and out the front door, quiet as a fox.
I went back into the room and took a warm shower. I spent extra time scrubbing my hair and conditioning it well. I also spend a good three minutes just sobbing silently. I slipped out of the shower, literally slipped. I just slid down to the floor and laughed at myself.
I pulled myself up and wrapped my hair up in a towel. I slipped on the clothes I had brought in with me and walked back into my room.
I honestly felt like kind of a robot. All of my actions just felt mechanical. I brushed through my hair, watching myself through the mirror. I looked dead almost.
I finished my hair and put it up into a pony tail, giving up on it. I slipped into my running shoes and poked at Luna until she woke up.
She looked up at me through sleepy eyes and yawned. I waved her leash in front of her face and she popped up and ran to the door. I popped the leash in place and we walked downstairs together. Grabbing an apple for me and a water bottle for the two of us, we left the house on our morning walk.
This had become our bonding time. When everyone else was awake, Luna would spend her time with the twins or Jaymi if he was around. But in the morning, I got all her attention and love.
We walked around the neighborhood in the early morning light. After a few minutes of walking, we started up on a light jog back down the street home. Luna needed a little more than a walk sometimes and I decided that a jog in the morning would do us both good.
We jogged down a couple of blocks to a park and I poured some water for her and took a drink for myself. A stray cat had walked up and took a drink from her bowl and Luna had let her. I took a picture of the pair and pet the cat until it ran away. My phone told me that it was already almost 7:30 so we started our walk back home.
By the time we got home, it was 8:00 and dad was up and awake doing his thing.
"Morning pumpkin. Did my favorite girls enjoy their walk?" He looked Luna and scratched her head. The little traitor ran to him the second we walked inside.
"We did. Luna made a new friend at the park this morning." I told him, showing him the picture I took of Luna and the cat and he awwed and picked her up.
I threw the empty bottle in the recycling can and walked upstairs, leaving the pair alone. I changed into a pair of jeans and a t shirt when I heard a knock at the front door.
I heard dad greet Jaymi and I walked back downstairs. He was wearing dark jeans and an army t shirt. I said a goodbye to dad because I wouldn't be coming home until late. I gave him a quick kiss and we left for breakfast.
The whole drive to the diner was silent. While we were there, we made small talk and picked at our food. It wasn't until the drive to Jaymi's house that we really talked.
He let out a deep breath that he seemed to be holding in.
"I can't fucking do this." He let out quickly. He grabbed my beans and pulled in front of his house.
I just stared at him, waiting for more to come out.
"I'm terrified. My stomach feels like it's going to fall out of my butt and this is only training. What's it going to be like when I actually get deployed." He inhaled quickly and looked at me.
"I've got no idea, but listen. This is something that's important to you. You want this, and I'm going to support you every step of the way." I wiped a tear from my cheek and hugged him.
"I needed this. I honestly needed to see you crack a little. You were getting pretty intense." He chucked in my ear. I slapped his shoulder and dug my face deeper into his neck. We sat there like that for who knows how long. It wasn't until Mrs. St. Cloud walked outside to put his stuff in the car that we slipped away from each other and went inside the house.
We had to leave for the airport in an hour so Jaymi spent that time playing with his sisters. The girls wouldn't be coming to the airport with us, so their aunt Sarah would be coming to stay with them.
I sat on the couch and watched as each of the girls made their way to Jaymi and just cuddled him. I heard small 'I love you's be exchanged and if we didn't leave soon I was going to lose my cool.
Thankfully Mr. St. Cloud announced that we had to leave. They girls all hugged Jaymi and he hugged them all back. We left the house and sat in the backseat of the car. I gripped his hand with my dear life and we set out to the airport.
There are a million other things more painful than this, I'm sure about that. But the idea of not seeing Jaymi for months takes my breath away and leaves me aching.
We arrived at the airport quicker than I wanted and I felt my heart thumping harder.
THUMP.
We parked the car and made our way to the terminal. In one hand, I held Jaymi's hand and in the other I had his carry on back pack.
THUMP.
Once we were inside he checked in and gave his bag to the attendant. He gave Jaymi his ticket and we walked over to where there was a small seating area.
THUMP.
THUMP.
I sat and watched as Mrs. St. Cloud smothered her son with love and kisses. His father just kept rubbing circles into his back.
THUMP.
THUMP.
I ran my thumb over his knuckles and I felt myself lose every ounce of control I had. I let out a whimper and covered my face to hide the tears that were flowing freely.
THUMP.
THUMP.
THUMP.
Ten weeks without Jaymi.
THUMP.
THUMP.
THUMP.
Then who knows how many months, or years without him.
THUMP.
THUMP.
THUMP.
THUMP.
His arms immediately wrapped around me and he quietly shushed me. We rocked together for a few minutes and I just looked up at him. I've never felt so small in my life than I do in this moment.
THUMP.
THUMP.
THUMP.
He kissed my forehead and looked at the clock behind us. I knew it was time for him to leave. He sat up and pulled me with him. We stood hugging for a few moments.
THUMP.
THUMP.
He pulled away and went to hug his mother and father. They both whispered quick I love you's and we started walking to the security check. I handed him his backpack and he pulled me close to him.
"I'll see you soon enough. We're going to be okay." He kissed me with enough passion to last me for these months that he'll be gone. Once he pulled away, he whispered a goodbye and hugged his parents once more.
THUMP.
We watched as he walked through the security check and looked back at us. I wiped my eyes and hugged onto Mrs. St. Cloud.
He blew us a kiss and walked off until he wasn't visible anymore.
THUMP.
THUMP.
THUMP.
And then, he was gone.
_______________________________
I'm literally crying, this chapter made me so damn sad.
I've really got no other words than, get ready. Some crazy stuff is about to happen. See you all in the next chapter.
Dedicated to: @His_Angel & @Lizzie5301
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I love you all!
xo.