It's been a couple weeks since Carter first found me. Or I found him. We haven't quite decided who found who, but I guess it doesn't matter either way.
Ostford is the refuge they promised. We welcome all, we offer everything. It's a well-established camp that holds hundreds of survivors. They treat the wounded and put down the infected, but since we've got a new cure (with HUMANE experimental testing) on the way, they've been keeping the infected in another location just North of here. Although, they only keep those whom have relatives stationed in Ostford. Unfortunately, all the others get put down to avoid unnecessary and harmful accumulation of infected outside these walls.
Since Carter injected me with the blue liquid that cooled my veins, I've been healthier than ever. My yellow eyes are back to being boring and brown, and my reddening hair has returned to a faint auburn. The cut in my arm from the glass was stitched and healed, and all other cuts and bruises have faded. No more physical aches. But the mental and emotional ones have yet to subside. No amount of medicine could heal even a small fraction of those.
Carter is apparently one of the recruits who goes searching for survivors. Ostford has a schedule: some people go one day, others the next. Carter just happened to be out the day Dr. S's "cure" nearly killed me.
Carter explained how he memorized all the chemicals and mixtures necessary for making the VK-12, and from there he managed to make his own version (the blue liquid) to reverse the effects of the new unnamed drug Dr. S injected me with. After the Hazmats beat Carter to death's doorstep and left him for dead, he still kept his memory and replicated both concoctions. While I'd assumed he died after Dr. S "discarded his battered body," Carter recounted what actually happened:
"Yeah, I wrecked everything they owned. Destroyed the samples after taking a few of my own. So sad what happened to Lucy. You know she used to like me? Anyway, I was as good as dead. Dr. S reversed the immunity in me, too. But I garnered my remaining strength-maybe it was pure adrenaline, maybe I'm just that good-and traveled down the only road I saw. I'm surprised more people don't stumble across Ostford. The road goes straight to it. They took me in instantly, and I shared the samples and info with them. I actually got them to establish a safe experimental lab for creating the samples. Easy-peasy."
He explained everything with smug assurance, but when his eyes met mine, the smile faltered. I couldn't share his joy; couldn't celebrate the accomplishment. And I should've, because Carter broke the rules for once! Resisted authority! That should've been a milestone in my book.
But it was too soon. Hearing all that the day I joined Ostford? Too much.
I'm still reeling from all that's happened.
"Scarlett." A knock accompanies the voice. I look over my shoulder from the spot on my bed, fingers tightening over the small notebook in my hands. Carter watches me with serious concern.
"Yeah?"
"How are you feeling?"
I shrug. "Fine." I offer a smile and look back down at the notebook. A sharp pang in my chest pulses, but it's died down quite a bit the past few weeks.
Footsteps shuffle along the carpet before the mattress sinks in next to me. Carter keeps his distance but nods at the notebook. "Where'd you get it?"
I run my fingers along the spiral, my fingers tingling and aching to open it. "It belonged to a friend of mine."
"Ellis?"
I nod.
While I don't like mentioning the names of the fallen, Becca speaks openly about them like distant memories between friends who are only away for a short while. Over meals, a glowing smile will light up her face, her eyes radiant with heart and soul as she reminisces. "Oh, I had a friend-Ellis-who once told me this joke..." Or, "I actually fell from a stadium! Thank goodness Ellis was there..." Or, "Monty loved books, so I read him..." Everyone listens intently; when she takes the floor, it's all eyes on her. She lights the place up.
But only I manage to catch the pain in her eyes when everyone looks away. A tear she wipes away as swiftly as if she's brushing hair from her eyes. She'll meet my eyes and we share sad smiles and an understanding that no one will ever know. No one even asks what happened to all our "friends." Probably because everyone already knows.
I can't imagine what I'd do if I came here without her.
After Carter found me, I told him where to find Becca and the others were on it instantly. Becca broke down immediately when she saw me at the gates of Ostford, emotion overwhelming her small and fragile body. She was clutching my note, recounting the pain she felt when she thought I had died. Her emerald eyes were so pained... Her limbs were weak and she couldn't stand. Soot coated her cheeks and she broke down, finally grieving the loss of Monty, the loss of Ellis, the loss of...yeah.
Because she was so weak, Derrick helped Becca up and walked her inside. He cleaned her up and dried her tears, a gesture I longed for by a certain someone whose name I never mention. Since then, Becca hasn't cried and Derrick won't leave her side.
I can't help but speculate something deeper is going on between them, but every time I bring it up, Becca changes the subject.
"He...um..." I clear my throat, still stroking the notebook in my hands. Back to the present. "Ellis made things a little easier to get through."
Carter sits with me, his eyes trailing over my hands. "I'm sorry I wasn't there with you."
I look up at him. He's cut his hair so the bangs don't quite fall over his eyes now. Strands stick up in front like a certain someone I shouldn't keep thinking about. A permanent indentation caused by fracture deepens by his cheekbone where told me a hazmat hit him with a gun, and a scar runs down his collar bone and disappears under his navy shirt. Permanent injuries from the beatings. He's suffered just the same.
I shake my head. "Don't be sorry. You were there..." There wasn't a single moment his presence left me; I thought about him constantly. And while it's different than how I wanted it to be, at least he was there at my darkest hour.
Or darkest eternity. The pain still hasn't really left. I don't think it ever will.
"Yeah...you know what happened at the Safe House?"
"Somewhat."
He leans back on his arms, and once again his eyes trail up my arms where bruises once were, where I'd been poked so many times. He appears to want to reach out, but resists.
"You asked for pain meds, and I planned on getting them to you. But I passed the stairwell and heard... I don't know... thuds, noise, panicked voices. I went to see what was going on and found the Hazmats in the lobby. They didn't see me yet. I plotted to get you to the car somehow unnoticed and take off, but I had to search for another exit. While I searched, I had Millie lock your door from the inside in case they hunted for you. They spotted me instantly and I stood no chance at that point. They dragged Millie out next since she wouldn't let them take me."
Once again, his words should bring relief. Answers, answers, more answers. He feeds me the answers I once desired so much, so long, but now that I have them... I don't feel any more nourished than before. I'm a hollow shell. They don't fill me the way I thought they would. In fact, they only cut deeper. Reminders of what I fixated on to the point of obsession instead of letting things go. Leaving things as they were. Not that I should've given up searching, but maybe holding on only does more harm than letting go.
I needed to let go.
"How did you find your parents?" I ask quietly. Another question for another unfulfilling answer, but Carter's parents greeted me with open arms upon entering Ostford. I should at least show some interest in their well-being. They've taken me in so easily, offering warm smiles and listening ears. But I don't know what to say.
"After we lost contact at the Safe House, they panicked and thought something bad happened. They fought through quarantine with Derrick but the Safe House was gone by that point. They came straight to Ostford afterwards. I was lucky to find them here."
Lucky. Carter, the only lucky one out of all of us. Lucky enough to have his parents and brother. Lucky enough to not have lost anyone he truly loved. I know I shouldn't resent him for it-it's not his fault-but still, a flicker of anger ignites deep in my chest.
Carter meets my eyes hesitantly. "That's the last time we join any extra-curricular school activities, huh?" A crooked smile lifts at the corner of his lips as he nudges me gently. Again, I can't return it. It's only been a couple weeks. The pain is still fresh. The wounds are still healing. My memory refuses to leave me.
"Yeah." I lower my eyes.
He shifts on the bed carefully, giving me the China-doll treatment. As if I'll break at any moment. "The world...it's gonna get better. We spent so much time planning our futures after high school, but we still weren't prepared enough. But I know we have a future, despite all this. I don't know exactly what's gonna happen, but we'll be okay. We'll make it."
I really do hope so. "Thanks... Hey, I'm gonna sleep, would you mind shutting the door?"
Carter's face falls, a flicker of hurt behind his eyes. Why hurt? "Yeah, of course. You don't wanna go chill in the commons?"
"Maybe later."
He nods, though it's tight. "Sure. I'll be around." He rises from the bed and silently pads to the door, taking one glance back before slipping through.
The door clicks shut.
But only a split-second later, it flies open again. Becca takes his place, her emerald eyes wide with...exasperation?
"Scarlett! I knew you'd be here." Her blonde hair has finally been ridded of the knots; knots I had to help her cut out. She's combed it into a sleek side ponytail, little bangs framing both sides of her face. With showers, we're able to clean up. And she's wearing a pair of comfy sweats and a black t-shirt. Maybe even lip gloss?
"Hey, Becks."
She peers over her shoulder before rushing to my bed, plopping herself down. "I have news. Derrick tried making a move. Like, a lip move. Not even kidding!"
"Wait, he did?"
Frantic nodding. "I dodged it. So hard. I think he felt embarrassed, especially since I ran out of his room so fast-"
"Wait, you were in his room? Why?"
"That's beside the point. Well, I mean I was helping him clean up. Not important. But now I don't know what to do!"
I raise an eyebrow. "Do you like him?"
Her eyes widen. "Not even a little." She flushes. "You know what, I'm just gonna play the silent game. Monty played it well; I'll be a better silent player than he ever was." Again, humor in her words masking a touch of pain. She lowers her eyes then, catching sight of the notebook in my hands. A sad smile curls her lips. "Ellis."
"Yeah... I haven't read it. Have you?"
She shakes her head sadly. "Maybe one day. I..." She bites her lip. "I miss him."
"Yeah...me too."
"I never got to say goodbye."
I put a hand over hers. "He knew you cared. He'd be so happy to see you right now, all gigglish and whatnot. I mean, if I recall our confessions around the campfire correctly, you'd said you've always wanted a boyfriend."
A soft laugh, oozing with sorrow. The pain in her eyes condenses. "I knew my parents wouldn't be here, but the truth still hurts. Ellis was like a guardian to me."
He was like a mentor to all of us. And I can't say anymore, or I'll break down.
"I'm so, so sorry." Her words are a hollow whisper. "About...Ash. You haven't mentioned him since..."
"I know."
"He loved you."
"I...know."
"You know...when you left with Ellis, he was so lost without you. At the mall. He never let it interfere with his attempts to save my brother, but I could see it in his eyes. And when Monty stopped coughing long enough for us to assume he was stable, Ash told me how he loved you. He said you broke down his walls. You showed him how to have hope. How love can push through anything, with your unfaltering attempts to find Carter. He said you made him realize things about the world he never thought about before, and he would die trying to prove that same love to you."
And he did. In the end, he did. But I knew he cared for me even before then, when he followed me out of his house. My mind wanders back to our talk around the campfire. He'd said he wanted to change a life...save a life. Oh, Ash. You did, and you'll never know it...
"We should plan a memorial service," Becca says suddenly, her tone lighter. She grabs my hand tenderly. "I found out tomorrow's Friday. It would be perfect."
I smile. "We should."
Her pained eyes meet mine and she fights tears. "You should talk about him. Ash. Don't try forgetting him; he died for us. At least let the world know."
She's right. Yet once again, I can't speak. My throat closes up. "I know. Becca, I really miss him. Like, a lot." I look at the ceiling to blink back tears. "I couldn't stand him at first. He killed my parents...on accident. And I was in such a haste to find Carter, I... Maybe if we had stayed at his house, he'd still be alive right now."
"Yeah but you didn't, and you couldn't have known." She leans forward and wraps her fragile arms around me, and I hug her back. Tears fall. I let them.
And it feels so good to let it out. Becca and I formed a bond I hope never breaks. I will guard her with all that I have. We made a deal awhile back; a deal to protect each other. I'm holding onto that until the day we take our final breath-which hopefully won't be for a long, long time.
She pulls away first. "I have to go tell Derrick off now. But you and I share this room, so obviously you'll be seeing me later." She smiles her honest smile and pats my cheek. "Don't lose hope. Ellis wouldn't want us to give up. There is hope and there is a future, and you and I will help each other through it."
Her reassurance... Always my favorite quality. She's found hope and clinging to it.
"Okay. Go take care of business before it's too late," I joke. She smiles and rolls her eyes, already moving from the bed.
"I will. I got this. See ya 'round."
And then she's gone.
I turn my attention back to Ellis's notebook. Becca may not be ready to read it, but I am. I intend to bleed out my emotions and hopefully find some closure.
I open it up.
Ellis's Rules:
1) Hope can go a long way, but fate often works against it.
2) Love can survive the apocalypse even if the lovers don't. (Met some new friends! Ash and Scar. Ship name? Scash. Asscar? Ashlett? Wow these suck. I'll come up with something...)
*Note: I am not a fanguy, Becca.
3) Time doesn't stop moving for any of us.
4) Make a cool name for the apocalypse before telling anyone your real one. (Mine would have been Tank-from Left4Dead...cuz I'm a beast.)
5) But if you've already given your real name-know that our name carries more power than the history that makes it. ELLIS IS THE BEST.
6) Opening a door and letting someone in could save a life. (Pretty Little Liars can wait! At least, that's what good Samaritans will tell us.)
7) Don't declare war until you know what you're dealing with! (But letters from buildings ROCK for making bold statements.)
8) Celebrities and famous people are just people. They stand no more chance in the apocalypse than we do. (Except maybe Taylor Swift. She's my idol. And Harry? But the Directioners are probably more adamant for his survival than I am.)
9) Avoid Malls! (FYI, kids taught me that PROM is slang for 'sex'. Noted.)
10)
An honest smile curls the corners of my lips. Number ten... What was he planning to write? My mind flashes back to the moment in the hospital, when he was gonna add something. It was right when he was asking if I still planned to find Carter. It was something like-
Got it.
I take out the pencil and fill it in myself: Sometimes the best closure we get is not in finding all the answers, but letting go of our desperation to find them. Sounds about right. Oh, Ellis. What will we do without your wisdom?
I close the book and set it on the dresser where my other belongings are. My eyes catch on a tint of purple on my holster. I step closer to get a better look, and my heart stops.
The pansy. The purple pansy Ash gave me from the flower shop. After all this time, it's still here? The wilted flower clings to my holster for dear life-life it suddenly no longer has. I remember when Ash explained to me the meaning of a pansy: "They're flowers of remembrance. Usually, people put them on graves to symbolize still being with those who have passed."
I reach out and run my fingers over the stem, careful to not crumble the wilted petals. The stem got jammed and it never fell out. How ironic?
Oh, Ash. Why did you have to go?
Becca's right. I should certainly let the world know what he did for us. But I won't stop there.
I'll tell everyone how he shook up my world-quite literally-in the midst of our first war. I'll tell them how he locked eyes with me, and those sapphire eyes were guilty and fearful. I'll tell them how he officially entered my life when he stopped that man who attacked me at the flower shop, and I'll share the emotions that came with it. The shock, betrayal, pain... But also how I showed him my scars and he showed me his. I'll let everyone know the conflict we shared but how strong and fierce he was. How he didn't let pain get the best of him, even at the end.
And I'll tell them how he saved me. In so many ways, Ash saved me. He didn't have to, but he did. And I will be forever grateful.
He won't be forgotten. I'll make sure of it.
If this were a perfect world, maybe Ash and I would marry years down the road. Ellis would laugh and taunt us with words like, "I told ya so! Didn't I predict it?" We'd all laugh with him, we'd cry, we'd argue over wearing traditional wedding outfits or Prom outfits. Monty would be the ring bearer and Becca my flower girl-or Maid of Honor. Ellis would be the pastor and he'd crack jokes and probably make fun of our vows. Ash wouldn't dress up because he "doesn't do dressy," and I'd probably wear a red dress. Just because. And our new song would be 'Bleeding Love' by Leona Lewis. Ash might prefer the slower version, but I'd argue for the Jason Nevins remix, since I prefer fast beats. It would be so perfect.
But this isn't a perfect world and we don't always get what we want. Everyone makes sacrifices and it's up to us to decide which ones are worth making...and which ones we're better off letting go. Ash sacrificed his life for me. I wish I could say I did the same for him.
For now, Ostford is our hope and future. I can't spend it dwelling on the past, though some of my greatest lessons learned were from people of my past. I guess now I should just look forward. Towards the horizon. And while I can't imagine continuing on right now, I will. I have to move forward.
As Ash once told me, we need to stop and feel the moment; otherwise, we could miss out on something important.
Ashton Hunter, you will always be my mission.
~Scarlett