We sat in silence as the ship descended towards the loading docks of the First Order base.
I was wholly disheartened by the idea that the war wasn't reaching its end. It meant that I would have to continue to go on missions, and the more missions I went on, the more likely it was that I would come face to face with Poe, or Rey, or even Finn, and despite my threats to Poe, I wasn't sure if I would have the courage to fight them. The question was whether or not they would have the courage to fight me, and I didn't have an answer to that.
I felt Kylo's eyes on me as I pondered the idea, and I knew that he was searching my thoughts. I flashed him a look, reiterating my irritation for when he did that. He watched me carefully, ignoring my discomfort.
"What did they tell you about me?" He spoke quietly.
"I met your mother. We talked for a while. She told me about y—Ben." I corrected myself before I could call Kylo by the wrong name.
"And?" His eyebrows rose slightly.
"A-And she asked me if I thought that there was any trace of him left." I wasn't sure if I should be telling him this, but he would have found it in my thoughts eventually, so it was probably best shared verbally.
"Do you think there is?" Kylo kept his face carefully expressionless.
I shrugged. "I didn't know Ben, so it's hard to really say. I've only ever known Kylo."
He gave a small nod, accepting my answer. There was a thump as the ship landed, and the ramp lowered. I squinted at the sudden light flooding in, and stood to deplane. A single glance at Kylo told me that he wanted me to follow him, that we weren't done discussing what had happened at the Resistance base.
I received some curious glances as I followed him to his room—most people probably thought they'd never see me again.
As soon as the door slid shut behind me, Kylo turned to face me again.
"What else did my mother tell you?" He didn't seem angry or nervous, merely curious.
"She told me about what happened to Calia." My voice was barely louder than a whisper. "That you killed her."
His eyes darkened. "And does that change how you feel about me?"
I closed my eyes for a moment, thinking. Kylo seemed to hold his breath as he awaited my answer.
"No." I said at last, and he tried to hide his sigh of relief. "It's not my place to judge you for your past. I can only pass judgments on what you've done since I've known you, and you are still my closest friend."
He sat on the bed next to me, his deep brown eyes searching my face. "Most people would have called me a monster and never spoken to me again."
I returned his gaze evenly. "It's a good thing I'm not most people, then."
A small smile quirked his lips. "I wanted to be the one to tell you about what I did." His eyes slipped past me and seemed to stare sightlessly at the wall behind me. "I just wasn't brave enough. I was afraid that you would leave."
"I've killed people, too." I reminded him. "My slate isn't completely clean either."
"Yes, but I killed my friends." He winced.
I frowned. "Friends? Plural?"
The blood drained from his face. "She only told you about Calia." It was a statement, not a question.
"Who else?" I regarded him carefully.
"Everyone." He whispered, shadows of shame cast over his features.
My eyes widened.
He ran his fingers through his hair. "They made me. They said that I had to do it to prove myself, that I didn't have a choice—" His voice was rising in pitch, and the words seemed to catch in his throat.
I put my hand on his shoulder. "Kylo."
Kylo spared a glance at me, his eyes shining with tears.
"It's okay."
He gave a slight shake of his head, a bitter laugh leaving his lips. "You probably think I'm a monster now, if you didn't think so before."
"You aren't a monster." My words were said with conviction. "Like I said, I'm not going to judge you for your past. That's not my place."
He stared at me for a brief moment before pulling me into a tight hug, my face pressing into the soft material of his shirt. I smiled softly and wrapped my arms around him in return, glad that I could provide some kind of comfort to him. I held him until he let go, which might have been mere seconds or entire minutes later, I wasn't entirely sure.
"Did you mean that? What you said earlier?" His fingers played with the end of one of my braids. Suddenly he seemed too shy to meet my eyes.
I frowned, trying to remember what I had said.
"That I was your closest friend?" His eyes darted to mine before returning to my hair in his hand.
"Of course." I gave him a strange look. "I thought you knew that."
"I guess I thought Mason..." Kylo trailed off, tugging lightly on my braid.
"That's different." I wasn't sure how to explain the difference, so I left it at that.
He gave a small nod, releasing my braid and letting it fall against my chest.
I watched him for a moment, trying to gage his reaction. Then a smile crossed my face.
"Can I braid your hair?"
Kylo rolled his eyes. "Get out."