Beck had been asleep on Alice's shoulder for over an hour; she had an incredible ache in her shoulder and her butt was asleep. Still, she didn't move a muscle and focused in on Beck's slow breathing and heart rate. It was surprisingly comforting, although she was super uncomfortable. She even closed her eyes and tried to drift off, but the uncomfortable position did not allow for that. A knock on her door startled her, and she whisper-yelled that whomever it was could come in; she didn't care who saw Beck asleep on her shoulder at this point, it was part of her job, and nothing was happening between them.
It was Lewis, and she opened the door cautiously. As she spotted Alice and Beck, she was slightly surprised, but it was clear that she understood, and gave Alice a nod to show that she was not upset. Alice looked at Beck and tried to think of how she could get out from under his weight. Shifting slowly, she held his head in her hands and leaned him against the wall. When he stayed in that position, Alice stood up straight and looked at Lewis. The two left the room so that Beck could continue to sleep; everyone was lacking in that department and it was starting to become a problem.
"Lewis, I know what this looks-"
Lewis raised her hand and silenced Alice. "It looks like he fell asleep for the first time in a week; I don't care about where he falls asleep, but I need my crew to begin to function properly again. Rushing this sort of thing is awful, I hate it, but I am leaning on you being able to help me."
"Of course." Alice looked up into the Commanders eyes. "We're all taking this as well as expected, everyone is almost back on track with their assignments."
"And you?"
Alice's lips tightened, the colour draining slightly. "Working on Mark's assignments as well as my own is tough, more mentally straining, but that was expected."
"You could share it, you know," she told her. "Take turns working on Mark's assignments with someone else."
Nodding, Alice wondered who she could ask to help with his tasks. He had written up a book of "how to" procedures in the event that he was sick, or in this awful case, dead. There was nothing too extensive to it, mostly tending to the plants that were brought along. But Alice was having a hard time balancing that, her own tasks, her psych evals, and actually being there for the crew and helping them get through this tremendously difficult time. Everyone was going to cope differently, to overcome their grief differently, and what Alice had to do was ensure that they were being healthy about it, not bottling anything up. Beck was the first to break down in front of her, and she felt as though she had gained a level of trust between each crew member at this point. They were able to break down in front of her, to tell her how they felt. That was her job, after all, but it was always a heart-warming sensation to know someone trusted her on that level.
"I'll keep that in mind, although I will wait; I wasn't there..."
"This is as hard on you as it is us." Lewis placed her hand on Alice's shoulder. "You don't need to pretend as though this isn't hard on you, not being there when it happened makes no difference."
Alice took that as a warm hug of acceptance; she smiled lightly, although it felt misplaced. Watney was dead, that would never change, but Alice hoped she could change everyone's mindset on the Hermes, to get them back on their feet. "We'll be alright."
"I know." Lewis released her grip on Alice's shoulder and left her there. Alice leaned against the doorway of her room and sighed; Beck was asleep inside and she wasn't sure if she should go back in or not. If he woke and he was alone, he might be confused as to where he was. Alice composed herself, and slowly opened the door to her room. To her surprise, Beck was on his feet, his hand behind his head. A yawn took over, and Alice waited patiently as he composed himself. His eyes were still red, but he looked a lot better than he had when she had first seen him that day.
"Looks like you needed that," Alice said quietly.
"Yeah." He took a deep breath. "Thank you, Alice."
"It's my job."
"I know you're not doing this just because it's your job," he told her. "It's in your nature; you're good to people."
She blushed. "Yeah, well... not everyone would agree."
"You're good to the right people." He stepped up towards her, placing his hand gently upon her pink-tinted cheek. "You don't know what I'd give to be able to kiss you right now."
"I think I do," she said, closing her eyes for a brief moment to soak in the feeling of his skin upon hers. "But you know we can't. Not just because of the rules we'd be breaking, the ones Lewis specifically gave us. But we'd be taking it one step further and be breaking doctor-patient boundaries. And worst of all, I refuse to let this... relationship... be based on grief. The minute we start using it as a coping mechanism is the moment it falls apart. If we want anything to work out between us, I can't let it be built on that."
"You know it isn't built on grief," he said. "We laid the foundation a long time ago."
"Six months." She offered a sympathetic smile. "It's not that long."
A few weeks came and went, and they were that much closer to returning home. Alice felt that things were slowly coming together with the crew; each time she talked to them or they came to her with their troubles (most of them common issues masking the one stemmed from Mark's death) she saw improvement. NASA was happy to hear each report showed improvement, and applauded Alice for doing her job so well.
While everyone was coming together again, Alice felt as though she were coming apart at the seams. Before Mark's death, she had lost her relationship that she had put a lot of time and effort into. That was followed by Mark's death, and then the non-stop consoling of the crew members. She herself hadn't found the time to process her own feelings, and it was beginning to weigh down on her.
She started up a video chat with her brother, the first time the crew had been able to see their friends and family since before they went to Mars. It hadn't been a long time, but Alice needed to see her big brother before she snapped. Seeing his face appear on the screen, with Shauna next to him leaned back in a chair as her belly was getting quite big, she nearly burst into tears right then. However, with Shauna there, Alice kept herself together for the time being. An overwhelming gasp came from her lips when she saw them; both had sympathetic looks upon their faces.
"Hey Al, how are you doing?" Nick hadn't used her nickname since she was quite young, he only spoke to her like that when he was worried about her. It brought a warmth to Alice, and she realized that what she really needed was her family.
"I'm, uh..." she struggled to find the words, looking up at the lagging video. They was a long delay. "I'm pulling through."
"When we heard..." He sighed. "I can't imagine what you're going through."
Alice nodded, she didn't want to talk about it. "How's the fetus?"
Shauna laughed, Nick frowned. "Could you stop calling him that?"
Alice grinned, "Give me a name, then."
Shauna looked at Nick, and then back at Alice. Nick smiled lightly, his smile making Alice feel better already. "Andrew."
There was a moment of silence, and then Alice smiled. "You're naming him after Dad?"
"Yeah." He grinned. "Mum was coherent for a bit; she cried when we told her."
"Sorry, no more tears left in me," Alice joked, slightly sourly. "But that's beautiful. I can't wait to come home and meet him; the first thing I'll do is fly up there and visit, for a long time. I'm going to need it."
"Well the spare room is Andrew's room now," Shauna stated, trying to lean forward, but being unable to.
"I don't care, I'll sleep on the floor." Alice felt tears swell in her eyes. "I just want to see you guys."
"Hang in the Al." Nick smiled. "You're one tough son of a bitch."
"Hey, don't talk about Mum like that." Alice cracked a smile again.
"Love you."
"Love you."