I drew in a shaky breath, slowly turning around to face him. His face is upsetting to see, dull, green eyes with slight under eye circles. I look away from his eyes, walking slowly to my seat. He lets out a frustrated sigh. He walks over, my heart races as he is only a few inches away, he crouches down, meeting my eyes. He takes a deep breath, opening his mouth to say something, but shutting it, then reopening it, this time he does say something;
"Josie, please just listen to me, I shouldn't have told you all those things yesterday, but I-," I cut him off immediately. Fluttering my eyes close, I raise my hand and hold it up as to say stop.
"Please- just- don't." I whisper, taking weary breaths. I don't think I can bear to look at him right now, even though my eyes are closed, I can still feel that he is upset.
"But please let me explain myself, I can't go another day without-," once again, I cut him off. I am not prepared to hear what he has to say. So I choose not to hear at all.
"No, I don't want to hear it ok? I just want you to leave me alone." my voice trembles. Except, I don't want that. In fact, I don't even know what I want. I reopen my eyes, his eyes still locked on mine. His jaw is clenched, and his eyebrows furrowed, his breathing quick and heavy, his face a bright red from what I assume is anger. Although I cannot understand why he is mad.
"You want me to leave you alone?," he lets out a fake, harsh laugh. His tone is sharp and cold, almost heartless. It frightens me, yet it intrigues me how his mood changes from desperate for forgiveness to anger.
"How can you ask me to leave you alone after what happened between us?" He barks. My heart aches to say that I don't want that, that I want him. But apparently, my brain has other plans.
"Us? What is us? There was never an us." I swallow the lump in my throat. I immediately regret what I said, his expression turns to hurt and other emotions I can't tell. But anger is one of them.
He steps back.
"So what was that?," He asks, whispering, his brows still furrowed deeply. I can't stand looking at him, so I look down to the floor.
"What were those kisses? Were that nothing to you? The feeling in here," he points to his chest, where his heart is.
"That was nothing? All of it meant nothing to you?" He raises his voice, my eyes glaze over a fresh new set of tears, ready to pour. My heart tightens, compressed by my ribs and other organs around it. My breathing ragged and broken. Like my heart, I can't believe what I am saying:
"Of course not, you're my teacher, I'm your student. There was no us, and there will never be an us."
I head nothing more from him, only his footsteps as he walks away to his desk where he sits down. My throat tightens, I know I will burst any second, just in time I get a text from Mum.
From: Mum
I'm here. Come outside darling. Xx
I quickly grab my stuff and walk to the door. I stop at the door, my heart urging me to turn around and tell him that I'm sorry and that it meant everything to me, that I would love nothing more than for there to be an us. But no, I turn the knob and walk out. Tears spilling out, I sprint to my Mum's car. She waits inside, tapping on the steering wheel, looking pained. I quickly wipe my tears away, I run faster to the car, my face numbs by the harsh, cold wind that smacks me in the face, like a slap. I swallow the lump in my throat, opening the door, my fingers are cold and numb by now. I quickly slide in the backseat, slamming the door shut, prohibiting from anymore of the cold gust of air to get inside. My face slowly regains its warmth, losing its numbness. Like icicles in the summer, slowly melting, turning into warm water. Except, I don't melt away like I want to. I can't just precipitate like water when they form into a cloud, I can't disappear and float away. No, I have to face my problems, even if I don't want to. I have to face them one way or another. My fingers feel as they are being pricked by needles, like in a acupuncture appointment, except my fingers are being pricked by warmth. Mum turns to me, passing me a Starbucks cup full of some warm liquid, as well as a little paper bag with the logo on it. She looks concerned, saddened, and worried, things I've never seen before since Jade has past away. I quickly push the thoughts of her away, knowing that if I thought anymore of her, I would brake down. I don't want Mum to see that, I don't want to show weakness, not anymore.
"Let's go home, love, it'll be alright." She gives me a reassuring smile, the palms of my hands are really warm from holding the cup of the wonderful smelling substance. I want to believe her, I want to say that I would be alright, that I'm fine and it doesn't bother me, but I know that's all a lie. So, I keep quiet, nodding and looking forward as she turns around and turns the heat higher. I lift the cup to my nose, I immediately know what the drink is. Its my favorite, hot chocolate with extra whip cream, I smile softly, closing my eyes, trying to take in all the simpler things. I open the little paper bag and check what is inside, it's a brownie, cheesecake brownie to be exact. My mouth waters, I take a small piece from the brownie and raise it to my mouth. The smell filling my nostrils with a lovely scent that cannot be mistaken. The taste is even better, I almost forgot how good these taste. Maiken always watches her weight, makes sure she doesn't eat junk food, always tells me to stop eating and drinking Starbucks because it has too many calories. I don't understand why, she doesn't have to watch her weight, she has a slim figure. So, I stopped, I stopped eating all the good stuff, junk food, I ate more healthier, but now, now I'm going to do what I want to do. Not what anybody else tells me, not what they want me to do. For once, I'm not going to care about anybody, just me, because after all, I am the most important person. It sounds selfish, but if I care for others, I'll think too much for pleasing them and not me, and I'll end up getting hurt in the end. So, I'm done, I'm done caring for everybody, this time it's only me. If you thought I was independent and bitchy before, baby you haven't seen anything yet.
Before I even realised, I finished all the contents of my cup and paper bag. I lick my lips, wiping away any chocolate or gooey cheesecake goodness from the corners of my mouth. I also realise that we arrived at home. I quickly exit from the car, power walking to the door. I swiftly open it, knowing it is unlocked. Mum is like that, never locks the door, always saying that no one will ever brake in, like everything is still 1940's when everything is safe. But it's not, it's the year of 2013, and there's crime everywhere and it's not safe anywhere, not even at school. I jog upstairs, to my bedroom, slamming it shut. I lock it and throw my book bag to the corner of my room. I quickly dispose of the empty containers of what held Starbucks hot chocolate and a brownie. After that, I jump on my bed, grab my phone, sending a text to Lizzy and Justin and quickly turning it off. Flashbacks come back in my head.
Seeing dickwipe look hurt, saying all those lies, being the reason of why he looked that way. The chant, crying. So much in one day, in one hour.
I don't even know his name, for God's sake, I like my teacher and I don't even know his first name. All I know is his last name, and I don't even use it, I just call him dickwipe. Except he's not, he's a nice guy, he has feelings just like any other human being. Tears slowly slide down my face, I grab my laptop, clicking on safari. I go on the school website, I click on Staff, scroll down to teachers and to courses. I click on Drama. I scroll down and see his last name, Sykes. I click on his profile, I smile lightly. Amused.
Nathan Sykes.
It fits him well, it has a nice ring to it. An idea pops into my head, I quickly open a new tab and go on Facebook, I log in and begin my stalking. I search him up in the search bar, I scroll through all the Nathan Sykes', I find him.
Sadly, his profile is secured which meant I cannot access to any of his pictures or anything. I sigh, closing the lid of the laptop. I put it away, turning over and grabbing my stuffed animal, clutching it to my chest. I've really fucked up this time, and now I have no idea how to fix what's been done.
I wish I would've never said any of those things to him, I wish I could take all of it back. Tell him that I do like him, that I would love for there to be an us. But I can't do that.
I messed up everything, and I don't know how to fix it.
Next Morning
"Morning darling," I hear a deep voice, not dickwipes, duh. That would be odd for him to be in my bedroom, but nice. I recognise the voice to be my Dad's. How did he even get inside? I swear I locked it.
"Breakfast, full English." he sings, I flutter my eyes open, a tiny smile spreads across my lips. I groans and turn around, my eyes fall on the tray full of food. I point to the cup of tea he holds. He hands it over to me. I take a small sip, letting the warm liquid run down my throat.
"What time is it?" I wonder, taking the tray from him, tearing a small piece of toast and dipping it in the tea.
"10, you slept in, when I came up here, yesterday, I saw you fast asleep. And it was still early, no joke, you slept the entire day dude." he tries using an American accent, I smile.
"I love sleeping." Dad smiles back, still watching me, sitting at the end of my bed. I ignore his stare, still digging into my breakfast. He reaches over and grabs my laptop. He opens the lid and looks back up.
"Who's this guy you've searched on Facebook, huh?" my eyes widen, I snatch my laptop away from him. He looks surprised and playfully suspicious.
"No boyfriends, no nothing until I'm dead, got it?" I sputter out;
"That's my teacher." big fucking mistake. He looks even more surprised and now his fake suspicion is turned into real suspicion.
"Why are you searching your teacher on Facebook?" oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit, think of something fast.
"Erm- well I was uh- I needed to get some work from er- class." I smile falsely, he seems to believe it. He shrugs and smiles.
"Well ok, finish up, I'm taking you to the studio with me today, alright little duck?" I'm surprised, I smile brightly and nod eagerly.
"Really Dad?" he nods and smiles back.
"Yep, so hurry and wash up because we gotta go." he gets up, and walks out of my room, shutting the door behind him.
I'm grateful I have something to keep my mind off.
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Guys. My life is turning into this fanfic, like no joke, I have this teacher and he smiles at me and I'm like, "ugh- can you not?" and then he ignores me and then just- ugh no- just stahp.
Hope you've enjoyed this, comment, vote, share, love you lot
Josie xx
(this chapter has been edited and the name Josie Kingsley will change at the end of this series. Be aware.)