Chapter 17: That's Where Romance Is
"What do you plan to do, Blaze? Like- what do you imagine your future?" I stared at the wall in annoyance. That seemed to be the most popular question lately. Everyone wanted to know what I was going to major in. 'When was I going to go to college?'' What job do I want?' 'What do I have a passion for?' And every time I'm questioned I always come up blank. It's embarrassing to have everyone know that you're a loser. That you have absolutely no ambitions in life.
"I don't know Jax; I'm kind of just winging it." I answered dejectedly, I didn't really want to have converse about that topic. I especially didn't want to talk about it with him.
"You know eventually you're going to have to stop living off your parent's money. I'm sure they have a lot but what happens when it all runs out. You'll be a person made up of old money, of your parents worth- not your own." And he was right. Jax wasn't on the same class as me, he was more middle class. I was rich, beyond rich, and everyone I was close with was similar. I didn't know how it felt to have less than a million dollars in my bank account for free access. I was just used to having money. But it wasn't my money; I never worked a proper day in my life. And when I did try to have a small job I failed at it and got fired, multiple times. I just sucked at everything. But I knew there was going to be a time when my parents couldn't pay for me anymore, when I had to start supporting myself- I dreaded that day.
"What do you do for a living? What's your future?" There was a pause after that. Jax was silent; he seemed to be contemplating something. The whole while I had been avoiding looking at him but I finally turned. We were on his bed in our underwear. We were supposed to actually fuck today, he was finally ready. But for some reason I just couldn't do it. Now don't get me wrong, all I felt was pleasure when he touched me. I was sure if it were to happen it would have been great. But there was something stopping me, I just couldn't do it. No matter how much I wanted to. It was annoying. And I had to be in the mood to do things, if I'm not in the mood it always ended up a disaster.
So, anyway, I used his lame excuse and told him I still wanted to wait. I told him that I was developing real feelings for him, something I never experienced, and he felt special. He stopped everything and settled for cuddling. It felt weird, the only people I ever cuddled with were Brooke and... Jay. But I didn't want to think about him. When his name came up my stomach would get all queasy and I would start to feel happy for some reason. I didn't like it so lately I have tried to stop thinking about him and have been avoiding him all together. He didn't seem to like it but Mayne seemed to love it.
"I want to be a business man, like a lawyer or something in the advertising business. But right now I'm- I'm uh." My eyebrows scrunched as I watched him stutter over his words.
"You what? Spit it out." I muttered slightly aggravated, I couldn't deal with the stuttering and hesitation. If you have something to say-say it.
"My family has a lot of debt and their really low in money so they don't have enough for me to go to college. And my job isn't paying me enough to cover tuition. So I have to get the money another way..." Jax trailed off, glancing at me to see my reaction as he spoke. I already knew what he did and I was just waiting for the right moment. I needed him to get comfortable with me then he would start to spill his guts.
"You sell drugs?" I suggested and his eyes widened in surprise. "I have nothing against that, Jax. I like drugs, I don't really take them, but they seem fun. As long as you don't get addicted or die that is. It's no big deal that you sell them. You have to get the money somehow." Jax sighed in relief, his plump pink lips moving into a smile.
"Exactly Blaze. So I sell drugs and I'm affiliated in this gang, it helps. The Boss is really generous; he really looks out for us." My ears perked at the mention of Brian, now we were getting to the good stuff.
"How long have you known this Boss? Like, how close are you to him?"
"He met my Dad in Florida like a decade or so ago. He's pretty close to my Dad so I would see him sometimes. He noticed that we were struggling and asked if I wanted to help. After that I got in and now I'm the second in command."
"Wow," I said, sitting up, acting shocked. A worried tremor flashed across Jax's eyes and he sat up too. His queen sized bed squeaked under our added weight.
"You can't tell anyone Blaze. People can die, I can die. No one can know about this." I could tell he was experiencing genuine fear so I nodded to reassure him. This was only a taste of information; I was going to be getting a lot more soon.
"Are you coming to the club tonight?" I asked Jax, placing my hand against his broad chest and pushing him back against the bed. He fell with a huff and a sexy smile stretched to his face.
"Clyde seems to be getting popular quickly. Everyone is going, so yeah I'' be there tonight." Jax notified me. Placing his hand up he stroked my cheek softly. I fought the urge to cringe away and instead leaned closer, bring my face to his. It was a promising kiss, a promise of which I did not know. He moved his lips against mine roughly but softly, and the way Jax held on to my neck, lightly but firm, sent me a message that I couldn't decipher.
"I can't wait." I said against his lips before diving back in.
~
"How much money do you have?" I asked Brooke while placing the key into the ignition of Jay's car. I bet you're thinking 'I finally talked to him!' but no- I didn't speak to him to get access to his car, I made Brooke ask if we could borrow it and I of course got a yes because everyone loves Brooke.
"I have half a million." Brooke informed me, taking out her card.
"I got about a million that I could spend," I responded, taking out my black one. "So we cut that in half and we get 750,000 each. That's a good amount for me to get a couple of dresses and heals." I stated placing my card back into my wallet and starting the car. I glanced back at the Brenalds house, seeing Jay walk out shirtless and in sweats. He was probably about to go jog. I looked away.
"Why do you need dresses and heals? You're normally in sweats and sneakers Blaze." Brooke asked, sitting back in her chair and pulling out her phone.
"My Dad is making me go to a lot of events and I need clothes to match the fancy rich people."
"Why are you starting to go now? Your Dad used to let you stay home. Why the change?" I side glanced at Brooke before looking back at the road. I didn't know what to say to that. I couldn't tell Brooke what was really going on. But, I knew she was starting to know the changes in my behavior. The only time I left my house was to go to a party or the supermarket. I rarely even liked to go to the mall. I had everything at home, I had a gym, three kitchens, my own room, a TV room, I basically had everything I needed to survive. There was no need for me to leave my home. But lately I had been going out more. I've been going with my father to his business dinners and events and to the Underground to train and have meetings. And of course Brooke was noticing all of this.
"I met a guy." I finally said and Brooke gasped.
"Do you mean you actually like a guy? Like you have actual feelings?" She practically yelled, jumping up and down in her seat.
"Yeah, I guess."
"Oh my Gosh! The last time you spoke of even a crush was like back in sophomore year. I can't believe this. Who is it?"
"Jax." Brookes face scrunched up and she looked at me with confusion.
"You mean Jay?" I almost crashed the car.
"What? No! Where did you even get that from? I said Jax. Jax, the guy who went to school with us? The hot guy that was a grade up."
"Oh," Brooke giggled, glancing at her again I noticed her face was red. "But why not Jay? He's nice and he's not exactly ugly." Why was she so interested on her punk cousin?
"Jay is too sentimental and clingy. I can't deal with that. Plus he's your cousin." Brooke was quiet for a moment; she just sat there and stared at me. I didn't understand why people were doing that.
"Blaze I think something is wrong with you."
"Wrong with me?"
"It's just weird how you have no feelings for like anything, you have a passion for nothing. It's like you don't really care about life, the fact that you're alive." For some reason my heart was beating faster and my palms were starting to get sweaty. I didn't get why. What Brooke was saying was ludicrous, outrageous, but why did I feel like I was going to have a panic attack. Why did I feel like what she was saying had some truth in it?
"Brooke, I do have a passion. I have a passion for sex." She dropped the topic after that. I was left feeling very annoyed so the shopping experience wasn't fun. I didn't like the questions that were being thrown at me lately. I felt like I was being attacked. Why couldn't people just mind their own business? Let me live my own life and figure myself out instead of trying to play therapist every day. If I wanted my brain evaluated I would've went to Mrs. Brenalds a long time ago.
Brooke and I had to leave the mall earlier than planned because I was starting to feel light headed from all the walking. Food and sleep were my best friend but lately I had been losing my appetite and sleep seemed to not come. Sometimes I would go about three days without sleep and sometimes I would sleep the whole day. My body was just weird like that. I bet in a good week my appetite would be back and I would be eating up a storm. But until then I was going to feel weak and drowsy for a little while. That also meant no sex which sucked.
The weird part was that lately I had been sleeping with Jay, literally. Before it would be a fuss but for some reason whenever he laid next to me and uh... held me I would go right into Dream Land. But, since I have been ignoring him Dream land had been closed. So, I was going to have to deal with the insomnia because I was definitely not going to Jay.
After he told me that really fucked up story about his sister I had stated feeling 'nice' towards him. I was starting to get this weird urge to comfort him, to hold him, constantly. I always wanted to know what he was thinking, how he was feeling, and I didn't like it. I felt like we were getting a connection beyond the sex and I couldn't handle that type of stuff. That amount of responsibility. Cutting the ties would fix everything. It was fixing everything.
~
"You look beautiful Alonza." I looked away from my untouched sandwich and at the man I despised. He was one of our security guards; he was hired just for me. He used to take me to and from school starting in grade seven. Unlike the other guards Mr. Lotto was not lenient towards me. He was strict and firm and followed my Dad's orders word by word. It got to the point where he thought he could order me around. I was very happy when I graduated. All of my Papa's selected guards were quiet, strong, and had a strictness to them. But, Mr. Lotto, he was very extra with the requirements.
"Thank you." I said stiffly, picking up my sandwich and taking a small bite to avoid conversation.
"You've grown wonderfully. I will be taking you and your friends to Clyde today." He said, placing one of his big hands on the small of my back. My breathe caught in my throat and I quickly moved away. Placing my sandwich down I turned so I could look at the Devil. He stood in a black suit, a mandatory dress instructed by my father. He was very tall and muscular, I often wondered if he was on steroids. My father told me he was once a part of the military but that was the only information I was given. Mr. Lotto was a blank that I disliked.
"Did Papa have no one else to take us?"
"Do you not want me to drive you, Alonza?" Mr. Lotto questioned me; I could hear the hard tone in his voice, the warning. I swallowed my smart remarks and turned away again.
"Thank you for being so generous." I stared down at the bread on my plate; I was definitely not going to eat that sandwich.
"I'll be outside, Alonza." I hated how he said my name. I hated how everyone said my name.
Sighing I picked up my full plate and threw the sandwich away settling on eating a banana. That would be my second banana, the only two things I ate today. But it was fine, I wasn't feeling sick or in pain so I would survive. I couldn't wait till this weird mood I was in changed because I was starting to miss eating. In the midst of eating my banana and listening to music I had spaced out. My trance was broken when a body was placed behind me and I hand on my waist. I immediately tensed but then I started to recognize the familiarity of the touch and relaxed. It was Jay.
"Are you done ignoring me, Blaze?" A laugh bubbled from my mouth without permission and I felt embarrassment kick in when blood started to rush to my face. Words between Jay and I weren't spared throughout the whole week. Just his voice, his touch, had my heart racing. It was awful.
"I'm not ignoring you. It's not like we talked before."
"But we talk now. What happened, Blaze? Why the sudden change? What did I do?" You're giving me emotions.
"You did nothing. We had sex a couple of times and that's it. What did you expect?" Jay paused, his mouth closing tightly. He was the third person to do the 'wait a minute before talking' thing and it was really starting to get annoying. The prolonging of conversations was starting to take a toll on me.
"You're right, we were just fucking. I don't know why I'm bitching." I bit down on my lip nervously; I was confused with his sudden change of mood. Jay now had a disinterested expression, like he didn't care. It was unusual. Normally his face expressed a wide range of emotions. He was like an open book whenever he was around me. Now he was nothing. I didn't know if it liked it or not.
"Well, now that that's settled, we're good. Is everyone done getting ready?" He sure was. Jay was in his signature button up shirt, with the sleeves rolled up, and slim dark washed jeans. His hair was in a messy bun today and some strands surrounded his structured outline. He looked gorgeous.
I settled for a simple dark look tonight. I was wearing very tight light washed and ripped skinny jeans with black bulky heels and a black off the shoulder long sleeved crop top. The outfit showed off my figure and required little to no work, it was perfect. I could also shake my ass without hassle.
"Mayne is coming down and we're going to pick up Brooke." I nodded ready to walk away but Jay of course said something else. "Brooke told me that you almost fainted at the mall today." I rolled my eyes, cursing the little angel in my head. She always over exaggerated things.
"I just felt a little tired that's it, I wasn't going to faint. When I came home I had a good nap and I felt fine." That was very true and not a lie.
"Are you not eating again? Did you catch something?" Jay questioned, reaching for me and pulling my body closer to his. Heat overwhelmed me as his eyes searched over me, his strong hand moving over my face.
"I just lost my appetite for a little while." I told him, desperately trying to pull away from his strong grip. I hated when he got like this. One minute he was acting like he didn't care then the next he was all over me like he was my Mother.
"Blaze, you need to eat something. Drink one of the protein shakes. Last time you did this you ended up having to go to the hospital." Jay scolded, shaking his head at me while he walked to the fridge, pulling out a French Vanilla protein shake.
"Jay, that was years ago." I cut in, taking the bottle from him.
"Sophomore year, I know." I said nothing and instead opened up the bottle, drinking about half of it to calm Jay's nerves down. I winced at the sudden heavy feeling in my stomach. "Blaze," Jay looked down at me with authority, pushing me against the island and caging me in. I felt suffocated. "Do you need me to start sleeping with you again?" I immediately shook my head, I definitely didn't need that.
"I've been sleeping like a sloth, I'm fine." I lied. I know how I said Jay rarely got to ever be in my room a while back. That was partly a lie. There were occasions I called him over just so I could sleep. He was a big cuddle bear, he calmed me. But I needed to throw away my bear and find a new sense of comfort because Jay was definitely not it.
"Okay, Blaze." He stared at me for a while, looking intensely into my eyes. But I didn't look away, for once I didn't look away. I desperately wanted to, I didn't like the way my heart was beating so fast, the way my palm was shaking, the way my body was getting so hot, the sweat that was starting to form was nerving me. I didn't like anything that involved Jay. I suddenly got lost in his blue eyes and I didn't even notice his face getting closer. And when his lips touché mine I didn't push away, I kissed him back. But it was a short kiss, a very short one, and he was the one pulling away. "I got you, Nena," He whispered, pressing a tender kiss to my forehead. Tingles spread from that one action and I shook my head, pushing him away and walking outside.
"I'll be in the car."