This is the revised version of Attraction
I was thoroughly out of sorts. The feeling seemed to seep into my bones and make them heavier than normal. I should have been restless, bursting with too much pent-up energy, but instead I'd fallen into this hole. I hated that shit-fest of a dungeon, always had.
I cranked up the volume on the speakers I'd brought to Tom's place. They were another thrift store find, and the sound was sub-par—hollow and flat at the same time. It was all my sorry ass could afford until I was allowed to work. Lara had told me to be super careful while we waited for my papers to get properly processed. No more gigs with money under the table.
I could have called my friends, but I was afraid they'd ask too many weird questions about Tom. I was pretty sure they wondered why the hell I'd married a guy I barely knew, but I had a hard enough time questioning myself. If only Adam had been in town. He was off to some photo shoot with Cameron again.
At least Tom had a comfortable rug in the living room. I ran my fingers along the tufts, staring mindlessly through the window. Everything was vibrant outside, far more alive than inside this strangely soulless condo. All I saw were skyscrapers and the clear blue sky, but it was enough to know that people milled on the streets below. They had a purpose.
I let out a deep sigh, feeling more than a little bit tired of myself. The sharp edges of my shoulder blades finally tired of the rug, or perhaps it was the other way around. Anyway, it was time to do something else.
The blue leaflet lying on the counter seemed to scream at me to pick it up and make use of it. A girl wearing a bright red wig and oversized sunglasses had placed it in my hand with a wide smile two days ago. I had a feeling it was fate knocking on my door, but for some reason I wasn't all that interested in following up.
Auditions open.
The title was written in bold as if that alone would make me interested in drama. I loved acting, and had spent the better part of the last few years in different classes and various plays, but it felt as if I'd left that life behind somehow. Moving from one continent to another had changed everything, and it was a change I'd been desperate to make. Stockholm had drained me slowly but without any kind of mercy.
I read the leaflet again and checked my phone. Days had blurred together since Tom left, but as I expected, today was the last day of auditions. It would be terrible of me to show up unprepared and expect anything, but perhaps I could meet some people to mute the sound of loneliness.
It couldn't hurt, at least.
****
The dark room held all the characteristics of a rehearsal space for a pretentious-but-pissy drama group. I'd regretted my decision to come as soon as I'd stepped through the door, but since I'd come all this way my ego begged to be heard and seen. My drama queen had been hiding for too long. Or maybe not.
A guy clutching his script a bit too tight entered the makeshift stage, staring at the two people making notes. The woman who had introduced herself as director nodded in a brief command for the guy to begin. She had a bird's nest on her head which I thought suited the situation perfectly.
The poor guy radiated nervousness, white as a sheet with twitching fingers. He was kind of cute in that nerdy way that some people found adorable. I wasn't much of a fan. I liked my men calm and confident. Men like Tom.
His reading was appalling, which shouldn't have surprised me too much. The role he'd chosen was entirely wrong as well. You don't try Shakespeare if you can't get the rhythm right. At the same time, I was rather relieved that I wasn't the only one who would read something that had nothing to do with the obscure play they'd picked to perform. I didn't recognize the title, and the short session I'd spent on Google to find out more about the plot and the characters had proved rather fruitless.
I felt a twinge of annoyance at my attitude. I had no reason to sit here and be bitter when my irritation had to do with something entirely different. I'd gone here with the intent of thinking about happier things, not sit and whine even if it could be fun from time to time. I'd had a friend in drama class who had loved to pick on other people's acting skills. She'd been terrible of course, which had made it all rather hilarious, but perhaps not in the way she'd intended.
Another guy entered the stage. His white T-shirt appeared to shine beneath the lights, and it fell perfectly off his shoulders, allowing shadows to hint at a body that could tempt me any day. At least it would have had in the past.
He bestowed us all with a winning smile, white, perfect, and certainly calculated to perfection. He was a charmer, and he knew it. I sat back in the black plastic chair and studied him closer. His gestures were precise and measured as if he were entering his character before uttering the first words. There was something regal in his new poise, and I waited for a king to start addressing his loyal servants. It was kind of amazing to see the transformation from a regular guy to someone entirely different despite the torn blue jeans and tattooed forearms.
"Begin, please." The director seemed to have perked up slightly. Perhaps she wasn't as hopeless as I'd thought.
I heard him inhale—a slow breath readying a man for battle. A general. The smile on my lips tasted of victory.
He addressed us all. "I don't know what will happen now. We've got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn't matter with me now. Because I've been to the mountaintop."
I didn't recognize the words, but the way he delivered them held all my attention. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. I'd been right to come here.
****
"You're not going to try?"
I started in my seat. The only guy in the room who could act had sneaked up on me, claiming the spot right next to mine. He placed a hand on the back of the chair in front, leaning casually with an air completely different from the aura he commanded on stage. Up close, I could see that he had faint traces of old piercings. One on his nose, one below his lower lip.
He smelled of danger. Intoxicating.
"Nah, I'm not sure this is my crowd. Mostly here to kill time anyway." I tried to wave off the pheromones without being too obvious about it.
"Odd place to kill time."
"True. What was your scene from? Didn't recognize it."
He showed off that perfect line of teeth fit for a star in the making. "It's actually a speech from Martin Luther King Jr."
I'd never heard of anyone reading anything like that at an audition. My nose twitched while I watched amusement playing across his features. I wasn't sure it was such a great idea to invite more conversation.
"Cool." I said it anyway, even though I shouldn't have. Rolling the ring around my finger, I inched back as he inched closer.
"If you want to kill time, we could always do something else."
I thought about going back to the apartment, imagining a scene where I lay on the floor once again, staring up at nothing while life passed by outside. It wasn't like me to sink deeper when I needed to climb out of the pit.
"What do you suggest?" It was a dangerous question. A leap out into the unknown, but then, when had I ever been afraid of a challenge?
"It's Saturday. A couple of friends messaged me from a bar a few blocks from here. You should join."
Friends meant far less danger. Not that I was about to do anything with this guy, but still.
The guy inched closer again. "So, want to come?"
I could have made a joke. He appeared to expect it, or at least he seemed to wait of some kind of reaction.
"Sure. I'm not doing anything useful anyway."
"I'm Dave."
"Joachim."
****
The bar was crowded, but Dave moved with ease through the loud crowd until he found the right table. His friends waved at him, then at me by extension. I put on my best smile. Making new friends never hurt, and since Chris and Adam weren't in town to relieve me of my misery, I could at least give these guys a chance.
A girl with long brown hair on one side, and parts of it shaved away on the other, reached out with her hand. "I'm Janis."
"Joachim." I wondered how many times I would have to repeat my name.
Dave came to my rescue. "Guys, this is Joachim. I met him at the audition. He's a genius."
I snorted. "I didn't..."
He gave me a playful smile as if daring me to refute him. It didn't matter that he was lying, but it certainly didn't endear him to me. I knew his type. He'd be charming and altogether wondrous until someone caught him in a real lie—a vicious lie. Then his carefully crafted façade would fall apart and show the less than pleasant person beneath. Or perhaps I was wrong. He might be the exception to the rule.
He was far too charming, though. I didn't trust that act since I used it myself.
I sat next to Janis, eying the others around the table. Five more faces, five more names to learn and then unlearn if I never saw them again.
"So, Jonas, how much did Dave flirt with you from a scale from one to ten?" Janis curled a strand of hair between her fingers. The conspiracy shone bright yellow in her brown eyes.
"Joah," I corrected her. "I'd say he was pulling a three."
"He's getting better then."
"Better how?"
"You came, didn't you?"
"Yes." I clasped my hand around the green bottle. "I felt like having a beer."
She rolled her eyes. "You keep telling yourself that, sweets. He's got you hooked. No one resists Dave."
I wiggled my finger in the air. "I'm married."
Her face fell, and the others around the table paused their conversation for a second longer than necessary. I'd been right about Dave, then. He was a man-eater. The thought made a laugh bubble up from my stomach, through my throat, and delicately placed on my tongue.
Janis laughed as well. "Great joke, man." The way her eyes sparkled with amusement placed me firm and solid in my role. I wouldn't refute her. There was no use. They'd made up their minds, assuming that I was there to suck up to Dave and maybe suck his dick before the end of the night.
Dave leaned closer, brushing his lips along my ear. "Wouldn't it have been more fun if you were married for real?"
Adultery. Was this how it would happen? Someone whispering into Tom's ear, tugging at his earlobe with their teeth. Pulling their strings around him until he disregarded his promise to me. The empty promise.
Dave's words tasted of honey. Sugary seductive. It would have been easy to either walk away or give in, but for some strange masochistic reason, I remained, teetering at the edge with no intention of falling.
Tom would be home. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe Monday.
The warm touch of air caressed my ear. "Are you married, Joachim?"
I leaned back, meeting his challenging gaze. "Yes. And he bites."
The laughter rose higher than the ruckus around us. He grabbed my thigh beneath the table. "You're real cute."
Anger boiled at his touch. Cute. I didn't do cute when I was half-way down the road to a rampage. This was the very reason I hated feeling vulnerable. The reason I didn't want to go outside when I had nothing to protect me. They always knew. The predators could tell when I was slipping—they sniffed it out like the beasts they were, always looking for the kill.
My black hole would have been a safer bet than following this guy. I should have known better and stayed away.
I rose from the chair before the others could react. God, I hated people sometimes, and these were of the worst kind.
Dave called out behind me, still laughing while the others joined in. The crowd helped to shield me while I fled toward the exit. They were unaware, but rescuers nonetheless. Perhaps some of them would fall into a trap, maybe even Dave's trap, but they were on their own. I had to leave before the stifling air refused to enter my lungs.
The evening outside held none of the chill I desperately needed. It was warm, humid and far too noisy. Cars honked, people yelled, music played. The sound of rushing water echoed in my inner ear. The sound of panic. The waves of disaster.
I slouched against a brick wall, trying to focus on the pungent stench of piss from the alley on my right. Anything to reach out instead of inside.
Desperate to kill the waves, I got out my phone and called. I shouldn't have, but I did. I needed to hear his voice even though he didn't give a fuck. His voice would make me snap out of it because I never ever wanted him to see this side of me.
"Joachim?"
I almost dropped the phone.
"Hi, Tom."
"I'm just outside the apartment. The last concert was canceled."
He was home. Home.
"I'll be there soon." I almost clapped my shoulder at my performance. It didn't waver. It gave nothing away.
"Have you eaten?"
"No. Should I get us something on the way?" Normal. Completely normal. Nothing was wrong.
"Sure. There's a Chinese restaurant around the corner from here."
"Great." My heart was slowly calming down. The waves were gone. "How was your trip?"
"Good. But we can talk about that when you get home."
Warmth. Not waves, but warmth.
"Okay. See you soon."
I closed the call, staring at the display as it darkened, then at the bar. The crowd behind the large windows looked at ease—they hadn't seen a thing, and no one needed to know. My pain was my burden to carry, no one else's.
No one would know. Least of all Tom.
A/N I'm honestly not entirely sure what happened here. Joachim decided to take a deep dive, and I'm trying to pick him up. Perhaps this was the fall he needed to make for you to see how he's trying to hold it together. How he fights for it. Most chapters will be lighter than this, though :)
Also, important info on my profile if you want to buy a signed copy of Volatile or join my street team <3
I've received a lot of fan art :D I'll distribute it over a few chapters, but you can see art collected at the instagram account danteheron
This one is from ohlookitsmejamie <3 Lush is such a Joachim thing to say.
And the next one is from FriendofDarkness <3