AN/: -----> I laughed soooo hard when i saw this remix of Snape hitting Ron over the head :):);)
Chapter 4: Snape’s Hot 4 Hermione…or is he?
A/N: Woot- woot another chapter of Bloody Hell! The randomness continues…
Disclaimer; HA-HA! I DO OWN HARRY POTTER *police gets handcuffs ready* ARGHHH I WAS JUST JOKING OKAY?! I DON’T OWN HARRY POTTER!!! I DON’T WANT TO GO TO JAIL *runs around in circles*
“I swear to Merlin that I’m going to kill those two one day! And when I do kill them, I’m going to go and learn voodoo spells to bring them back to life and kill them again!!!” mumbled Hermione as she walked into her dormitory and slammed the door.
Draco sighed angrily as he sat down in the Heads Common Room. I am so going to kill Dracoina and Potthead next time I see them he thought. Draco’s stomach grumbled rather loudly that even the portrait of Salazar Slytherin heard. “You better feed that stomach of yours, boy, otherwise it will eat your insides,” he said to Draco, who was not paying attention. Draco remembered that he had received a box of chocolates earlier this morning. Retrieving them from his bag, Draco opened them and popped one into his mouth.
Mmmmm it tastes like a- Draco’s thought was disrupted when he coughed out… yellow feathers? What in the Merlin’s saggy man boobs is going on? Draco thought as he looked at the feathers that were in his hands. His hands suddenly turned into yellow, feathery wings. He had just turned into a canary! Uh-oh I have got to get to the Hospital Wing. But before he could leave, a flash of light had been directed to his sight. “What the hell?!” he said as he turned around only to see Hermione with a camera, laughing her head off. “SHUT UP! IT’S NOT FUNNY!” growled Draco, throwing his arms, well wings in this case, up in the air causing them to flap. This made Hermione laugh harder than ever. Fuming, Draco left the Head Dorms to the Hospital Wing. Everybody were staring and laughing at Draco. I am going to kill this ‘secret admirer’ if I ever find out who she is.
Draco ran through the 1st floor when all of a sudden he bumped into someone. “Hey, it’s Big Bird! Why aren’t you living at Sesame Street anymore?” Harry asked. Finally, I found Potthead. Now I can kill him; wait first I’ll get an antidote for this and then I’ll kill him Draco thought. “Move out of the way four-eyes. I gotta go do something,” Draco said trying to move out of Harry’s way.
“Hey I got a bone to pick with you. How come you’re being mean to Elmo? All that Elmo wanted to do was to be friends with you and Grover and Oscar and Abby Cadabby and Cookie Monster,” whined Harry. OMIGOSH!!! I SWEAR I AM GOING TO DIE OF BOREDOM IF THIS BOY DOESN’T GET OUT OF MY WAY! Draco thought bitterly. Draco suddenly got an idea. “Oi, Potter, do you like Big Bir- I mean do you like me?” Draco said. Harry nodded his head enthusiastically. “Of course I do! I love you!” Harry said while running up to Draco and giving him a bone-crushing hug. Draco looked more disgruntled than ever “Well if you love me, then you better let me pass through otherwise I’ll die. And you don’t want me to die do you?” Draco said with a smirk upon his lips. Harry looked like he was going to cry. Releasing Draco from the bone-crushing hug, Harry said “NO I DON’T WANT YOU TO DIE BIG BIRD!! PLEASE DON’T DIE!! ELMO NEEDS YOU!!!” sobbing, Harry moved sideways to let Draco pass.
Draco, running away from the sobbing Harry, reached the entrance of the Hospital Wing. “Madam Pomfrey, do you have an antidote for this,” He panted while pointing at himself.
“Oh Mr Malfoy, it seems that you have fallen into a trick of the Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes. Canary Creams I presume” she continued “I’m sorry to say Mr Malfoy but you will have to wait a couple of minutes until you will ‘moult’ back to normal. You may stay in here if you like,” Madam Pomfrey said as she went back to her office.
Well at there is an upside to this; my secret admirer thinks that I have a delicious body. Who can blame her? Or him; OH MY MERLIN PLEASE LET IT BE A HER!!!
Friday18th September 1998
It has been days seen the ‘Canary Creams’ incident. Not even the bystanders that had witnessed Draco running in the school hall to the hospital knew that it was Draco. Everybody had found out that it was Draco who turned into canary because of Hermione’s picture. She had sent the photos to every single common room in the Hogwarts castle!
He has not received any chocolates from his ‘secret admirer’ yet, however, he has been getting flowers and love notes. Whoever this ‘secret admirer’ is they better not send me more love poems otherwise I’m going to throw up my lunch Draco thought. The last poem that the admirer had sent Draco went a little like this;
Goblins are greedy,
Hippogriffs are grey,
You have a sexy body,
Too bad you’re gay.
“Hey Big Bird.”, “What’s up canary?”, “Hey chicken.” Draco has been getting those types of greetings all day. He looked over to the Gryffindor table where Hermione was sitting. She was making fun at the picture that she had taken of Draco when he was in his canary form. Their eyes locked. She sent a cheeky wink his way and went back to making fun of his picture. Draco’s eyes narrowed I am so going to get her back for this...and I think I have just the solution. He picked up his bag and went to Potions earlier than he normally goes.
“Come in,” the Potions professor said. Draco walked in to Professor Snape’s office only to find him scrubbing the floors. “That damned Potter; writing ‘SNAPEMAN SUCKS’ all over my office floors. How the hell is he smart enough to put an everlasting charm on them! So now I have to scrub the floors the Muggle way to get this crap off!! Yes Mr Malfoy, what do you want?” Mumbled Professor Snape, still trying to remove the pink spray-painted ‘SNAPEMAN SUCKS’ from the floor.
“Um Professor Snape, I was wondering if you had the book on How to kill Banshees?” Draco asked. Professor Snape looked at Draco with a confused look on his face “Why would you want that book Mr Malfoy?” he asked.
“Well, sir, I wanted to do some extra reading, you know to help me on my N.E.W.T.S.” Draco said convincingly. Professor Snape eyed him suspiciously “Very well Mr Malfoy. It is located on the top shelf.” Draco nodded.
Walking over to the shelf, Draco picked up the large book and eyed it for a moment. His eyes then strayed to the Professor who was still scrubbing the floor. He silently walked over to him and hit him hard over with the book.
“Sorry Professor, but it’s for your own good…well for my own good but tamoto, tomato or whatever those muggle-borns say,” Draco said as he pulled a hair out of Professor Snape’s greasy hair then dragged him to the closet. “Colloportus,” whispered Draco as he magically locked the door. Man, I hope he doesn’t wake up soon. The only thing worse than Snape, is an angry Snape Draco thought as he rushed down to the Head Dorms.
Back in the Great Hall;
“Did you know that if you got in Big Bird’s way, he’ll die. After I finished crying, he came back and he saved me from Ghouly Filch and then we skipped through the halls and then we went to get slurpies and chocolates,” explained Harry rapidly. Ron, Dracoina and Ginny looked very confused. What the hell is this weirdo talking about? Dracoina thought. “Err, Harry, you do know that Big Bird isn’t real?” Ginny frowned.
Harry’s bottom lip trembled “Hi-his not re-real? Of course his re-real; I just saw him in the cor-corridor yesterday.”
“Sorry Harry but like we said, Draco ate a Canary Cream and then he turned into a large canary. Sorry babe but Big Bird doesn’t exist,” said Ginny with a sad face.
Harry started sobbing “BIG BIRD DOES TOO EXIST!! YOU KNOW I WAS RIGHT BEFORE, MAYBE I SHOULD DUMP YOU AND MARRY A CHOCOLATE FROG; AT LEAST THEY MAKE ME HAPPY!!” He ran away from his girlfriend crying. Ginny looked utterly confused. The entire group looked confused. Why would Harry dump me for a stupid Chocolate Frog? Being Harry, he’ll eat it within 5 seconds of their relationship Ginny thought while Dracoina was thinking of something else. LOL! Imagine that; Harry shagging a Chocolate Frog. Wait…wouldn’t the Chocolate Frog melt? Dracoina thought until she got a disturbing mental image in her head. She scrunched up her nose in disgust and pushed away her breakfast. The bell rang and Dracoina, Ron and Hermione got up and went to Potions, wondering what type of excuses Snape will use to deduct points from Gryffindor.
In Potions;
“Where’s Professor Snape? He’s never this late,” said Hermione while looking at her watch.
“Well I think that Snapeman is on a secret mission to kill the Joker with his sidekick Diaper King,” Harry answered as he looked over at Draco’s vacant seat. Hermione sighed at her friends’ stupidity. Suddenly, the doors opened loudly.
“Yo, yo, yo whuzzup, my class? Turn to page 394 fo’ shizzle dudes and dudettes. But before y’all do that, I would like to sing y’all a song, bros,” said Professor Snape as he strutted to his desk to face everybody. The entire class eyes widened at his actions and what he was wearing. He was wearing baggy yellow MC Hammer pants, a electro blue hat (that was turned side-ways) and a multi coloured hoodie. Overall… he was an eyesore!
“Yo my peeps I’m da Half-Blood Prince. Can I get a holler?” said Snape. Harry was the only one to respond “Holler, Snapeman. Where’s your rapping sidekick, Diaper King?” he asked. Professor Snape glared at him before continuing.
“This song is dedicated to the frizz head, know-it-all beaver in the front row.” Professor Snape said as he gestured to Hermione, who was highly wary now Hey, no one else but Malfoy calls me that… wait a second Hermione thought as she still looked at Professor Snape suspiciously.
“Yo, Potthead, can I get a beat?” Professor Snape asked. Harry nodded and started beat boxing.
(Think of Snape having an American rapper voice)
“Yo yoyo I’m da Half-Blood Prince, and I’m here to sing a song about da beaver.
She like da prettiest beaver in da castle,
She’s so hot I think I got a fever,
But she’s weirder than Moaning Myrtle,”
Professor Snape took off his hoodie and revealed a white t-shirt with large black writing and a heart saying ‘SNAPE’S HOT 4 HERMIONE’. He jumped onto the desk and started breakdancing
“But she got some faults in her,
Like she could really use a shower,
And she don’t even have big rack,
Don’t worry Granger coz you don’t even got back,
You ain’t even got booty,
Your nose is all stuck up and snooty,
But don’t worry babe, I still like you like ever,
Snape and Hermione 4ever, Word.”
He smirked as he finished the song. He looked at Hermione; she was looking murderously angry and flushed. He was about to say something else until he was interrupted by a voice.
“MISTER MALFOY, HOW DARE YOU HIT ME OVER THE HEAD WITH A BOOK AND LOCK ME IN THE POTIONS PANTRY!!!!! YOU JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF A MONTHS DETENTION MAL- HELL TO THE NO WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING,” roared the real Professor Snape as Draco (still disguised as Professor Snape) was trying to run away from the dangerously looking Snape.
“Word, my peeps,” Draco said as he was being roughly dragged out of the Potions classroom. He looked at Hermione and winked at her. Hermione’s bottom lip was trembling and her eyes were watering up. “What’s wrong Mione? If it’s about my freaking dumbass of a brother, don’t worry about him. We’ll take care of it so don’t you worry about - RONALD BILLIUS WEASLEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?! GET OUT OF THE CORNER AND HAND ME THE INK BOTTLE!!” Dracoina roared and stomped over to Ron who was smiling immensely at her. “Hey what’s up Dracoina? You know I think you’re hot and I like you,” he said dreamily. Hermione ran out of the classroom and to the Head Dorms, crying.
“I DON’T WANT YOUR EXCUSES RONALD –wait what??” she said looking slightly shocked and confused. “Did you just say that you like me?”
“Yup,” he said as he popped out the ‘p’. “And that’s not the ink fumes talking either.”
Dracoina just stood there, absorbing in what Ron said. I’ve always liked him but I was too chicken to tell him that and now he’s standing there saying that he likes me Dracoina thought.
“Hello, earth to smiley face- I mean Dracoina,” Ron said as he waved his hand in front of Dracoina. He stopped and examined his hand. “Blimey, my hand is so big and blue!!!”
Dracoina sighed. Those twinkle in his eyes and his smile was to die for Dracoina thought I just want to snog him right here right now! Oh what the hell. She leant forwards and crashed her soft lips on to his. As the minutes went on, many students started commenting.
“Ewww guys get a room.”
“Can you guys stop sucking each other’s face off and sit back down!?”
“WOW this might be better than when Snape hooked up with McGonagall.”
“THAT WAS JUST A RUMOUR AND NOTHING MORE. Now turn to page 254,” Professor Snape said as he once again entered the room. Harry ran up to Professor Snape and started talking rapidly to him. “Hey Snapeman, do you think you can give me a job as your personal beat boxer? If so, can I wear what you wore but only with different patterns? By the way it looks like your breakdancing moves need some help so why don’t I stick a pencil right up your-”
“THAT’S ENOUGH POTTER!! Go to your seat quietly and sit down. Now,” The greasy haired man said in a menacing tone. Sulking, Harry went back to his seat and sat there thinking. Stupid Snapeman! All I wanted to do was to help him on his breakdancing and rapping Harry sighed. Well I guess I’m gonna have to spray paint his room again. This time, I’ll wake him up in the morning and slap him over the face… or maybe I could dye his hair blue Harry scratched his head while he was thinking of new ways to prank Snape.
In Hermione’s room;
Hermione was crying her eyes out on her bed; of course she would because she was embarrassed in front of the entire class! That stupid maggot! How can he do that to me? She thought as she stifled as cream in her pillow. Why am I crying over this? It was only Malfoy’s prank-ohhhhhhhh now I know why he did that; it was because of the Canary Cream incident. Maybe I shouldn’t have made fun of him, yeah I still would have slipped him the Canary Creams but I shouldn’t have made fun of him…most of the time Hermione thought while fixing her appearance in the mirror. Her eyes and nose were still red and puffy from crying too much. She went downstairs to go to the kitchens when Draco came through the portrait hole. “Ah Granger, did you enjoy Professor Snape’s little song? I think that it was extremely paedophile-ish,” he laughed. “And I didn’t even know that he had the hots for you. Who would have the hots for a know-it-all beaver, anyways? I guess only creepy and paedophilic teachers.”
Hermione just glared at him. “WHY THE HELL DID YOU EMBARRASS ME LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS?!?!” she shrieked.
“Why did you make fun of me in front of the entire school when I turned into that Canary?” he retorted.
“…”
“Got nothing to say, eh? Well serves you right for making fun of me,” Draco as he smirked at Hermione. “I guess were in a war zone now?”
“Bring it on ferret,” she said as a slight smirk was brought upon her lips. “You are so going to be punished for this. Big time,” Hermione said staring straight into Draco’s eyes. Draco laughed “As if! I highly doubt it that you can even find something to get back at me.”
Hermione raised her eyebrows “Oh really? Nothing that I can do to…‘get back at you’?” she said as she seductively walked up to him. Draco gulped as he watched her hips sway towards him. “N-no, the-there’s noth-nothing that you can d-do,” he stuttered. She was about three inches from him “Are you sure,” she purred into his ear. Man, what’s she doing?!?! Oh my merlin, she looks so hot when she walks like that- WAIT, WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING??!! Draco mentally slapped himself. He nodded at Hermione “Oh really? Then how about this,” she said. And with that, she leant in and kissed him passionately on the lips. He moaned quietly into the kiss. It took him only a millisecond to respond back. It was passionate, it was rough yet smooth altogether, it was…WRONG! They pulled back after a couple of minutes and rested their foreheads together. Hermione was the first to speak. “You taste sweet…but revenge is sweeter. Bye Draco,” she winked at him and left to go to the kitchens. Draco stood there, dazed. He raised his fingers to his lips she is one hell of a kisser that’s for sure he thought.
Why the hell did I do that! Hermione thought as she past the portrait of the Hufflepuff Common Room and went to the kitchens. He might be an arrogant jerk face but he is one bloody awesome kisser! Hermione blushed as she recalled earlier events.