Chapter 17
It’s been a week since the night at the party. Jess has been staying at Jake’s house whilst I clear my head about everything, I would sometimes go over there for a few hours to lighten my mood. My mum and I have been having some mother-daughter bonding. It’s feels great when we pretend as if there’s not going to be a tomorrow, because we live life – or what’s left of hers to the fullest.
I’ve also come to accept that my mum will eventually die and that there’s nothing I can do about it. It would be selfish of me to go back to California because I don’t want to be around when she passes. Also, I’ve got to think about how scared she must be, knowing she could die any time soon. She doesn’t show it but I can see it in her eyes, she doesn’t want to die and I think that the more bonding we do, the more scared she gets. But I can also see her need of me in her eyes, too.
Nathan’s called me all day yesterday and the days before that, ever since the party. He hasn’t called today because I turned my phone off; I’m not going to let him get in the way of why I actually came here – to support my mother. Also, I’m not going to let him back in to hurt me, again. Besides, it’s too late for his calls because he had the weeks before that to call me.
I’ve completely changed my mind about Jake; he’s actually quite the nice guy. I’m not going to lie, I still believe he’s a player and what not, I still believe when we leave, he’ll find another girl other than Jess but I’m pretty sure she’s aware of that too. He’s genuinely nice and he doesn’t at all seem like he’s using Jess either. Also, he’s been great comfort about the whole Nathan situation, both him and Jess.
“Lilian,” my mum called out from downstairs. I hopped down the stairs and in to the living room, where my mum was. “I’m going to the record store for some of my old favourites.”
“Oh, I could come?” I half asked. I didn’t want her walking around town by herself.
“Sure,” she said, picking up her back before ushering me out the door.
When we arrived at the record store, I was amazed by how big it was. I mean, I assumed it would be a tiny shop on a side road with an old man behind the counter. But no, it was rather huge. There was a girl who looked as if she were in her early twenties with black, almost blue hair with curls which passed her hip. She smiled at my mother and me as we walked inside the shop. Something that was as I expected was that it empty. There were people in the shop but it was empty, nonetheless.
I left my mum in the classical isle; she told me that she was looking for something to be played at her funeral. It was surprising that there were so many different types of records, big ones, small ones, yellow ones, pink ones, stripy ones and spotty ones all in the same shop. I was pushed out of gaze as someone bumped in to me, causing me to shuffle to the side a bit.
“Oh, sorry,” a soft, high pitched voice said. I turned to face her, it was Melissa. Her vibrant red hair covered half her face. “Lily...”
“Um, hey Melissa,” I greeted, awkwardly as she tucked her hair behind her ear. It was awkward because I sort of stole her boyfriend. I mean, they were over but I’m sure if I wasn’t around, they may have got back together. “I’m just picking up some records with my mum.”
“How’s Nate?” she asked me, her eyes looking dry as if she had been crying.
“Uh, I don’t know, sorry,” I apologised. It was true, I didn’t know exactly how he was doing accept he kept calling me.
“Aren’t you two together or something?” she asked, playing with her fingers. I felt sorry for her; I had pulled Nathan away from her grasp only to drip him.
“We were,” I informed her whilst shaking my head and looking to the floor. I heard my name being called out from the next isle. “Look, I gotta go. My mum’s waiting.”
She nodded before I turned around, walking in to find my mum in the next isle. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for Melissa, she sure did look upset. Turning around, I walked back over to Melissa who held a record in her hand.
“I know this is weird and we aren’t supposed to like each other but do you wanna come over to mine and just like... hang out?” I asked her, raising my eyebrows. Why did I do that? I don’t know. I guess I just felt like it was my fault that she was upset, my fault she couldn’t have Nathan.
“That is weird,” she confirmed, giggling slightly. A smile formed on my face as she laughed. “But yeah, sure. Why not?”
I smiled and held out my hand. She took it before following me over to my mum who had bought her records. I introduced my mum to Melissa, who complimented on her bright red hair. After that, we took the long walk home.
* * *
“I didn’t mean to do it, you know...” Melissa told me, not looking at me as she sat opposite me on my bed. Confused at what she said, I said,
“What?”
“I didn’t mean to cheat on Nathan...” she let out, sighing. “He just stopped paying attention to me... It was like I didn’t even exist to him. All he could talk about was you and how excited he was that you may have been returning to Ohio. I was having problems at home but he was too blind to see it.”
“I’m sorry,” I apologised, feeling worse about what I had done. I mean, it really and truly was my fault. She finally looked up at me. Her eyes were filled with upset, I could see it.
“But it wasn’t your fault I cheated on him...” she continued. Shame upon herself filled her entire face. “It wasn’t Jake’s, either. Jake told me that he couldn’t do that to Nathan because they were like brothers. But I thought that if I cheated then Nathan would pay more attention to me.”
“I’m sorry, you can have him...” I told her, looking down at my nails which had just been painted blue.
“But he doesn’t want me...” she said, her voice trailing off. “He wants you... He’s always wanted you.”
I couldn’t help but feel as if this was my entire fault. Melissa really did love him, but he wanted me. Well, she says that but he doesn’t go the right way about showing it.
“He doesn’t want me,” I told her, dully. “I mean, at times, he can make me feel on top of the world! But at other times, he’ll make me feel like I’ve done something wrong.”
“It’s not his fault,” she informed me, flipping her hair behind her.
“How isn’t it?” I asked taken aback. So, was she saying it was my fault?
“Don’t you know?” she asked, her eyes opened wide. “Nathan’s bipolar – I can’t believe you didn’t know...”
“He didn’t tell me...” I cried out, helplessly. Tears began to form in my eyes, how did I not know? Nathan, my baby, is bipolar. “When did he become bipolar?”
“He says that it runs through his family...” she said. I could remember Nathan having a bipolar aunt. “But he also said it triggered off when you left Ohio.”
“Ugh,” I groaned. How could I be so stupid? This was my fault. I should have known – this is my fault.
“But you didn’t know...” she explained, her voice becoming higher in pitch. “He loves you, Lily. It’s not easy being with him but it’s sure worth it. Nathan’s a great guy. I suggest you forgive him for whatever he’s done, I’m sure he’s sorry.”
“Maybe,” I smiled thinking of Nate and how we might actually get somewhere. For some reason, everything he done didn’t seem to matter. I think it’s because I love him.
“Anyway, I better get going,” she told me, coming to her feet. “My mum will be wondering where I am.”
Melissa left me there to think about what I had and could still have with Nathan. I mean, it wasn’t his fault he has bipolar, is it? He can’t control it, can he? I grabbed my phone from under my pillow and turned it on. Once it was on, I searched for Nathan’s number. Just as I was going to call, I read Incoming Call: Nathan. I smiled before answering the phone. Nathan began to apologise but I wasn’t listening.
“Shut up,” I ordered. He went silent and I carried on. “I don’t care about what you’ve got to say. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything! I’m sorry I left you, I’m so sorry. Can you just come over? I don’t want to fight. I love you.”
“I’ll be half an hour,” he told me. I could hear the excitement in his voice. “And Lily...”
“What?” I asked, smiling to myself.
“I love you too,” and before I could say anything else, he had already hung up.
I lay back down on my bed, letting the muffled sound of an old tune being played from downstairs run through my ears. For once in a long time, I was well and truly at peace.