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I opened my eyes, hearing the repetitive beep of my alarm.
Dismissing it, I placed my phone back down, staring up at the white ceiling.
My fingers brushed across my forehead, first feeling the cotton from under the tape, then reaching the spot that I wouldn't forget.
I didn't know how long Vito had stayed last night, but I knew he was late. When it was time for him to go, he gave me a hug and planted a soft kiss on my forehead. The kiss was just under my hairline and to the right of my part, which was naturally down the center.
From what I could tell, his lips were soft and warm, along with the breath that he released on my skin as well.
My lips on the other hand, were stretched into a toothy grin on my face. I got up, walking into my bathroom to get ready.
After mentally debating on whether to change the dressing all together or to leave it, I decided I would replace it with a large band-aid.
Peeling off the medical tape, the cotton ball wanted to stick to the wound. I managed to pluck off most of it in one shot.
I peeled the wrapper off of the cloth band-aid, stretching it over the gouge in my forehead. Getting that out of the way, I could finish getting ready for my day.
*****
Class came, actually I should say English came.
I strolled into the room, finding my usual seat and sitting down. Vito was nowhere in sight, probably because he was making copies or something.
The last of the students filed in just as the bell rang.
I heard the all too familiar chuckle along with a few distant words. Clearly he was chatting with some of his fellow colleagues.
He came in, clearly focused on other things, he hadn't seemed to have made, or tried to make, the usual eye contact with me like he normally would have. I tried to shove the thought aside.
We had dinner last night, he came to my house claiming he was worried.
Okay, so what? He was caring for me.
Oh, and the kiss? Friends kiss. Especially since it was on my forehead. He could have been kissing my head better.
Clearly I was over reading into things... like I always did.
He may make comments that could show otherwise. But I highly doubt it's true. Because I am literal trash and deserve to be left in a dumpster. Most people avoid me it seems, or they just talk to me because they feel bad for me... or claiming they feel bad for the death of my father.
Though, Vito seems to be putting on a better act than the rest.
"Okay, so today you guys will continue working on your projects. Just please make sure you're using your time wisely. I'm tired of giving extra days. We seriously need to be getting this done. Presentations start tomorrow and I want them to be done by Friday. Four days is plenty. We need to be moving on to the next unit." He said, I obviously hadn't paid any attention to anything he was saying before, due to my retched thoughts.
I pulled out my chromebook and folder, pulling out the last of my notes along with my book. We had to make a presentation based off of Hamlet. The topics we had to cover were; Decisions and consequences, connections between the text and broader world applications, and we just had to work on citing our information orally and in writing.
Both of which I was good at.
While we got to work, a knock sounded on the door and a few girls entered.
Runners.
"Hi!" Vito greeted the girls, who were clearly better than I was. He thanked them when they gave him the papers. Following them out, I could hear him laugh as they held a conversation for a moment. With him holding the door mostly shut behind him, I couldn't hear a thing except his laughs. And when he reentered the room, he still had a smile on his face.
I would be lying if I said my heart didn't tear a little. I wouldn't call it jealousy..... I didn't know what I would call it. But not that.
I had a power-point just about finished, all I had to do was write out my notes... which I usually would do at home.
In the meantime, I did what I normally would do when I finish. Plug in my headphones and mess around. Occasionally looking up to see what Vito would be doing.
*****
"What's that?" A younger student asked me while I was working on the lathe.
"It's going to be a travel mug," I said, picking up the insert's box, showing an example of what it could look like, "I gotta have my coffee."
"That is so cool." He cooed before walking away to do his work, leaving me to return to one of my projects.
Woodworking was always calming for me, it's a form of therapy for me. I get into a zone and forget about everything in the universe. Too bad it's only a temporary fix to my problems.
As time passed and my work progressed, my mind remained blank. I didn't know what to think of at the moment.
The bell had rang, cutting me off from the project I had been working on. I knew I had work this evening, so I packed up my things, and left the building. The hypothetical dark cloud following me.
***
Having an hour until work, I sat in my room, not in a particularly happy mood. I still didn't know what was wrong. I shut my chromebook, cutting myself off from the work I had been doing, and I pulled out a piece of paper and grabbed my pen. I started to write, as writing was another form of therapy for me. Hence my journaling.
What if I told you
I wanted to die?
That I'm tired of living,
of being alive?
What if I said
it gets worse at night?
The thoughts get louder
and nothing is right.
What if I lied
and said everything was alright?
No I'm not crying,
I swear I'm alright.
What if i died?
I doubt you'd even cry.
Would you even care
if I took my own life?
I didn't write poetry much, but when I did, I just seemed to leave it sit on the side of my desk, in a small pile.
When I finished I sat in silence. I didn't know what to do, so I put on some music.
House of Gold
I sang along quietly while the sounds of the ukulele filled my room. But I couldn't stop thinking, so I pulled out another piece of paper and began to write.
We're taught to be carbon copies, but we forget that we're not just made of carbon.
Under pressure, we do not turn into diamonds, but, we break.
She's like a raindrop
on the window of a moving car—
the more people she embraced
the quicker she fell.
If it's for attention,
Why are we hiding?
Why are we lying?
Why are we smiling?
It feels like everyone else is moving on with their lives while I'm stuck in this hole I can't seem to climb out of.
It wasn't long before I filled the first side of the paper, leaving me to continue writing little notes on the other side.
I don't know how to tell you I'm broken without feeling needy.
I don't know how to open up without feeling judged.
I don't know how to cry when my tears feel like acid.
I just need you to see that I'm hurting without me telling you, because my words are bleeding out of my mouth, waiting for you to stitch me up and make me fine, although I know it's not your job and you're better off without me.
I just need you to see me one last time.
Before I knew it, I had to go to work. Shutting off my music, and taking a deep breath, I put my Daisy face on and walked out of my room.
***
"That's what she said." I called out when Ben made the comment he did.
"Oh that's real mature, Daisy." He said, obviously trying to hold back his laughter.
We continued taking turns, driving the forklift around the warehouse, getting things that needed to be stocked, and placing pallets on the floor.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, but I didn't pull it out, knowing I had things to be doing.
"Hey Ben," I said, my voice echoing against the walls, "What if I accidentally floored it towards you?"
"I'd report you to corporate." He said, clearly joking, "And then I would be promoted to your position." He added, winking.
"Well you wouldn't be able to report me if you died." I said, keeping my face as serious as possible while I lowered the forks, setting down the pallet with tiles down on the cement floor.
Silence filled the air before we broke out laughing.
"Hey, are you busy Friday night?"
"I'm not sure, why?"
"Well, I was wondering if you'd let me take you to dinner."
My brain froze, I didn't really know what to say. Ben was one of my great friends, besides my co-worker.
"I- I don't know. I mean we're co-workers and we should be keeping this professional." I said, trying to find the right thing to say.
I had never been asked out before. I didn't know how these things worked.
"So many co-workers have relationships, so what? As long as it isn't public we should be fine. Besides, it's just dinner. C'mon. You'll enjoy it. I'll pick you up, we'll go to dinner, maybe go back to my place for a movie. It doesn't even have to be anything special. It doesn't even have to be considered a date."
The thought of it all sounded nice, part of me wanted it to be a date, just so I could maybe feel a little better about myself.
"Can I think about it?"
"Of course. You have my number so just text me when you decide." He said warmly, giving me a smile. Only for me to muster one up myself for him.
We began to finish up in the warehouse. Once I had all of the pallets down, I parked the forklift and helped him finish cutting off the shrink wrap.
When it came down to the last half hour of my shift, my final task was to monitor the registers at the front of the store, make sure everything moves smoothly and help any cashiers with purchases.
My days at work are usually pretty repetitive, but they are also different in their own way.
"Hey, Daisy," Jane called me over to her register, "I feel like I'm on the brink of puking. Could I go home early?"
"Yeah of course. Hope you feel better." I said, relieving her from the position she maintained at one of the registers.
I stood in her place momentarily with no customers... but soon enough a familiar man approached me.
"Hi Daisy!!" Elliot, Audrey's dad, greeted me as he pushed his cart to my register.
"Well hi!" I greeted in return, a smile apparent on my face.
We chatted while I began to ring his items up.
"Yeah... these are obviously for Marie." He said, chuckling as I continued scanning the gardening supplies.
After I scanned each item, I placed them into the bags, and Elliot would return them to his cart.
"So what have you all been up to?" I asked, scanning the large bag of soil.
"Not much actually. Audrey has just been working. Actually she texted you earlier, my guess is you didn't open it up since you're working yourself. She was wondering if you'd like to come to a cookout on Friday night."
At first my instinct was to say yes, but then I thought that Alek would probably be there, and then I also thought about Ben and his offer. "I might be busy, I won't know right away. When do you need to know?"
"Whenever is fine, even if it's Friday morning, anything is good with us." Elliot insisted, pulling out his wallet before I finished scanning his items.
"I will be sure to let you guys know," I said, punching in a few numbers on the register, "Your total comes to $57.42."
When he swipes his card, I print off the receipt and hand it to him, asking him to sign and then giving him his copy.
He left with his items, only to leave me at my register.
I had to pinch my thigh multiple times, thinking I was in a dream when the next customer came. Or I should say customers.